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George Burns celebrated his 99th birthday the other day. To give you an idea of how old that is, he remembers when there was no O.J. on TV. The producers of Baywatch and Models, Inc. are thinking about producing a spin-off that will encompass the story lines of both those shows. The new show's title is: "DUH!" Just a thought: When prisoners watch shows like Cops, do they root for the criminals? Details are starting to come out now of Baywatch's Pamela Anderson's secret wedding. At the wedding she was wearing a white thong bikini. Call me old fashion, but your wedding day is special; you shouldn't be wearing your work clothes. These past disasters have really brought the good people of California together. For example, the Baywatch lifeguards are even saving the unattractive. The hottest movie out now is Outbreak, a movie about a killer virus which mutates into an airborne version of itself and infects an entire California town. Medical experts at UCLA, however, claim that there is very little chance of that happening here. Apparently the air in California is so bad that it'll kill the virus instantly. From this Monday's Oscars' telecast: Before the closing of Chasen's, a landmark Hollywood restaurant, Elizabeth Taylor bought 5 gallons of chili. So if there's a rambling in the morning...it was not an aftershock. From Late Night with Conan O' Brian: The Fashion Cafe recently opened. It's run by supermodels Elle Macpherson, Claudia Schiffer, and Naomi Campbell. I understand that its all-you-can-eat special is a raisin, piece of wheat toast, and a bottle of Evian. Baywatch's Pamela Anderson is going to star in her first feature length film. She plays the part of a bounty hunter. Here's how it works: Once men find out she's after them, they turn themselves in. The Fashion Cafe, whose owners include supermodels Elle Macpherson, Claudia Schiffer, and Naomi Campbell, is like any other cafe. Only difference is that if you find a hair in the food, it's probably been styled, conditioned, and tinted. One of the army's female 4-star generals, Patricia Hickerson, was on the news talking about what it was like being such a high ranking female in the army. She said that people aren't used to seeing someone dressed as a general and also wearing lipstick...unless of course, they've been to a Michael Jackson concert. CBS announced plans for a 2 hour celebration for George Burns on his 100th birthday in January. Is that something you can count on? With the way things are going at CBS, it might not be around in January. George Foreman, the reigning heavy-weight champion, has a new book out. It's an autobiography about what made him the man he is today. That must mean it's a cookbook. In an interview in Esquire magazine, Heather Locklear said she likes it when her husband ignores her to watch football because that let's her know she's with a real man. So women, next time you see your husband stretched out on the couch like a big fat slob, with his pants unbuttoned, a beer in one hand and a big of Cheetos in the other, watching TV, you could lose him to Heather Locklear. Connie Chung was let go as one of the anchors of the CBS Evening News. The way CBS told her about it though, was really, really cruel: They had Newt Gingrich's mother whisper it into her ear. From The Jon Stewart Show: Batman can't fly, can't melt things with his eyes, can't outrun a speeding bullet. Basically, all he's got to qualify him as a superhero is a big mansion, a weird costume, and a boy wonder. So really, Michael Jackson is a superhero. From Late Night with Conan O' Brian: Possible items on a CHP exam: The Teamsters are trying to organize the supermodels and get them to join the Teamsters Union. You know what you call Kate Moss with a picket sign? A kite. Disney has bought ABC for $19B. For that much money, Kevin Costner could make two movies. Anna Nicole Smith, the 27 year old former Playboy centerfold and Guess jeans girl, attended the funeral of her 90 year-old multi-millionaire husband. She was wearing a low cut white dress with a big slit up the side. I don't think she quite knows how a funeral works. Apparently, when she heard that people would be stopping by to view the body, she though they meant her's. Anna Nicole Smith is still grieving over the death of her 90 year old multi-millionaire husband. She said the thing she misses most was how they would sit together, side-by-side, holding hands, writing checks together. From Late Night Conan O'Brien: New York currently pays jurors $15 a day and now they're raising it to $25 a day. Here in Los Angeles, we only pay $5 a day, but here it's steady work and you get a better chance of meeting celebrities. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From The Late Show with David Letterman: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Supermarkets are reporting that bacon sales are down because of the movie Babe. They say since the movie came out, people actually feel bad about eating bacon. This isn't the first time a movie has affected food sales. Hot dog sales went down when Remains of the Day came out. Robin Williams is set to star in a new movie called Jack. In the movie, he plays a student whose body develops four times faster than his mind. I think a lot of women would rather call this movie "Men." There was a big accident on the set of Melrose Place. Apparently a bed collapsed injuring 6 of the 10 actors in it. There's a new book out called Conversations Beyond the Light. In this book, the author claims that after you die, you go to a place where everyone is 25, you can have sex all the time without getting pregnant, and everybody drives an expensive car. So I guess when you die you wind up in Melrose Place. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The writers and director of Showgirls, which is a movie about Las Vegas lap dancers, say the movie is not pornography: It is a realistic story of how beautiful young women can fall into the hands of ruthless, manipulative people who convince them to appear naked in exploitive productions -- like Showgirls. The screenwriter for Showgirls says the movie is really a morality tale about a young woman who turns against the forces trying to corrupt her. Apparently the screenwriter thought the best way to battle these evil forces was for her to throw her clothes at them. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Peter Neufield and Barry Scheck are now working for a script for a television series for CBS. I guess CBS figures that after making up all those alibis for O.J., making up stories for TV should be a snap. It was announced last week that Mike Tyson's next fight in November will be on the Fox Television Network. HBO has announced it's going to program Forrest Gump opposite the fight. So that means you can watch Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump on HBO or you can watch Tyson turn somebody into Forrest Gump on Fox. It is being reported that singers Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are getting a divorce. It was really mean how he told her: "Houston, we have a problem." The star of Showgirls, Elizabeth Berkley, was the class president in the show Saved By The Bell. I think I know why she was so popular. Lois, of Lois & Clark, after she found out would-be fiancé Clark was Superman: Tim Taylor, of Home Improvement, on how women prefer conversation and men prefer sex: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet, from Entertainment Weekly: Good Morning America's Spencer Christian, dissing his Today competitor: It seems like a lot of people are going to see the movie Showgirls for a second time. I can understand that. There's a lot of stuff you don't see the first time around -- like their faces. Republicans are trying to convince Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for the governorship of California. Just because a guy makes a movie called True Lies, they think he's a politician. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Anna Nicole Smith's former bodyguard claimed that he was Anna's lover during her marriage with that 90 year old billionaire. Today she denied it and said that he only comforted her once when her husband died and a few times when he wouldn't die. Michael Jackson is currently reviewing his financial situation because of cash problems. I guess now when he's grabbing himself he's checking for change. The Pillsbury Doughboy had his 30th birthday last week. You know, a lot of guys get depressed when they turn 30, and the Pillsbury Doughboy is no different. They found him this morning with his head in the oven. Actress/model Farrah Fawcett, who is nude in the December issue of Playboy, says she is so shy, she won't even change her clothes in front of her longtime boyfriend. That's got to be depressing for him. The guy lives with one of the most beautiful women in the world but has to shell out $4.95 to see her nude. Scientists at Ohio State University say that because of Thanksgiving coming up, turkeys have been bred to have such large breasts that some of them can't support their own weight; and now they're in the middle of a project to build leg strength back into turkeys so that they can at least stand up and walk around. In fact, they are working on a similar project at Baywatch. In an interview with the BBC, Princess Diana said she would not divorce Prince Charles because there are two children involved. Yeah, her and Prince Charles. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: CBS has canceled the show Courthouse after only 8 episodes. They say it was in a very bad time slot -- it was stuck between two other CBS shows. Beetlemania has arrived and is sweeping through the country once again. Not to be outdone, New Kids on the Block is back. In fact, they were reunited at McDonald's recently when they were all working the same shift. The Prime Minister of England is meeting with the Royal Family to see what kind of job they can have Princess Di do. The hardest part, of course, is explaining to the Royal Family what a job is. Next week on Lois & Clark is going to be the first episode in which they are going to have sex. In the ad for it, Lois is wearing a see-through nightgown. Why? Doesn't Superman already have x-ray vision? Good news: Michael Jackson's condition has been upgraded from bizarre to strange. From Laughlines, LA TIMES: There are reports that O.J. Simpson is out looking for work but nobody wants to hire him. I don't understand why, he's got a killer resume. Scientists at Purdue University have conducted experiments on cows and have found that a cows milk production decreases when they listen to heavy metal music. More startlingly, when researchers played Michael Jackson music, the cows would milk themselves. Prince Charles said over the weekend that he has no intention of remarrying if he gets a divorce. He says he'll just date. Since when did marriage ever stop a member of the Royal Family from dating? |
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