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Things are not looking good for CBS. The head of their news department, Eric Ober, was fired last week. Here's the sad part: ABC News got the scoop first. "Nixon," starring Anthony Hopkins as Nixon and Bob Hoskins as J. Edger Hoover, is one of the year's most critically acclaimed and educational movies. For example, I didn't know that Nixon and Hoover were British. From Late Show with David Letterman: Movies seem to be getting longer and longer lately. For example, "Heat" was about 3 hours; "Nixon" was about 3 1/2 hours long. That's why I like Pauly Shore movies. His movies only last about 10 minutes to 1 hour, depending on when you decide to get up and walk out. Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley are getting divorced and some speculate it could be because of religious differences; Michael is a Jehovah's Witness and Lisa-Marie is an agnostic. So I guess on Sundays they go around the neighborhood and ring doorbells for no apparent reason. more on the Jackson-Presley divorce... The highlight of this week's Astronomy Convention at San Antonio, Texas is the announcement that they have found a place in the universe with 5 times as many burned out stars as previously thought. In fact, the last time anybody saw this many burned out stars was in an episode of the "Love Boat." O.J. is giving his first interview tonight on BET, the Black Entertainment Television. Although, there are concerns that ratings for the interview will be hurt because of Clinton's State of the Union address yesterday. They think viewers may not be able to sit through two nights of make believe. There's a trend now called "Exhale Parties." This is when people, especially women, watch "Waiting to Exhale" and sit around after the movie ends to discuss the film. I understand that now people are starting "Pauly Shore Parties." This is when you discuss what you did after you left the movie. Michael Jackson is very depressed by his divorce and his friends are trying to snap him out of it. Like yesterday, one of them tried to get him excited about going to Toy's 'R Us, but Michael said he didn't want to go there because those places are just meat markets. Anybody see O.J.'s interview on B.E.T.? Well, so much for those of you who thought O.J. couldn't act. Last week, Diana Sawyer spent 2 nights at a maximum security prison for women for a story on Primetime Live. I guess she's getting ready for that big interview with Hillary Clinton. Next week, a great, great episode of "The X-Files," and it's a true story. It's about the most famous case of alien abduction ever. It's the Lisa-Marie Presley case. Anna Nicole Smith has filed for bankruptcy. People are shocked. It's the first time she's ever gotten to Chapter 11 in anything. In a commercial for the LaToya Jackson psychic hotline, LaToya says she can help you with your career, with your finances, with your love life, and with your relationships. Now, why would you call LaToya? The woman has filed for bankruptcy, she has no career, she claims she's never had sex with her husband, and all her relatives hate her. Actor David Carradine says that even though he's taken over 500 acid trips, he can still learn the dialogue for his show "Kung-Fu" in about two minutes. That's pretty impressive, until you realize there's only 2 minutes worth of dialogue in the show. The tabloids are reporting trouble between supermodel Claudia Schiffer and magician David Copperfield. Apparently, she came home early one day and found him in bed with half a woman. O.J. Simpson has been using the phone so much he tried to get on that MCI Friends & Family Plan...but he's fresh out of both. O.J. was on CNN and one of the moderators asked him why he had $10k in cash in the Bronco during that slow speed chase. O.J. said he had the money because he was planning to take his kids to Disneyland. That's ridiculous. Every parent knows an adult and 2 kids cannot visit Disneyland for $10k. Barbie is a teacher now. But she's also been a nurse, a doctor, a cowgirl, and a ballerina. This is all part of Mattel's Barbie-Can't-Seem-to-Hold-a-Steady-Job line. The Snoop Doggy Dogg murder case has gone to the jury; and according to an inside source, the very first vote shows the jury split right down the middle: six voted good Doggy Dogg, six voted bad Doggy Dogg. O.J. Simpson said that if all American families were like his family, this country would be a better place. Well, it would certainly have a lot less people.... There are reports that O.J. is looking to buy a home in Ireland. The Irish people are not happy about O.J. showing up there with all those lawyers. St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, and here's O.J. bringing them back. Princess Di has agreed to divorce Prince Charles. Charles has remained understanding though, and is even encouraging her to see other people. In fact, today he gave her O.J.'s phone number. Princess Di and Prince Charles are getting a divorce and they have made arrangements for the children. I guess on weeknights they'll be with Diana's nanny and on weekends they'll be with Charles' nanny. Reporters are interviewing psychologists and counselors on television about the divorce. According to one expert, getting a divorce is the second most traumatic experience a member of the Royal Family can go through, next to getting a job. O.J. is said to be trying to market a line of O.J. Simpson toys and dolls. But Mattel has beat him to it...they've introduced a new 911 Barbie. Opera great Luciano Pavarotti has admitted that he is having an affair with his 26 year-old secretary. Is "admit" really the right word? If you're 60 years old, weigh 400 pounds, and you're having an affair with a 26 year-old, that's not admitting, that's bragging. Princess Di says she wants to go on television with Prince Charles to explain their marital trouble to the public. What's to explain? Most people realize it's hard to make a marriage work when both parties are dating other people. Michael Jordan is coming out with his own cologne called Michael Jordan. So I guess Madonna is not the only one to go out of the house smelling like a basketball player. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Pillsbury Doughboy celebrated his 35th birthday last Monday. The good news is that they had a huge cake for him; the bad news is he was the cake. We all know by now that the Best Picture winner is "Braveheart," Best Director is Mel Gibson, Best Actor and Actress are (respectively) Nicholas Cage and Susan Sarandon. But what about the Other Oscars? Here now are three awards that weren't mentioned yesterday: Mountain Dew won for Best Theater Floor Adhesive; Joe Eszterhas, the writer for movies such as "Showgirls" and "Basic Instincts" won for For Best Score, the Oscar goes to Christopher Darden for his work on Marcia Clark As you know, this month both Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls and attorney F. Lee Bailey received sentences. It's kind of interesting how the law works. Dennis Rodman got a 6 game sentence because of a head butt and F. Lee Bailey got a 6 month sentence for being a butthead. From The Late Show with David Letterman: The Pillsbury Doughboy is now 35. The next time somebody pokes a finger into him it'll probably be for a prostate exam. From Whoopi Goldberg, during the 68th Annual Oscar's telecast: Quincy Jones wanted to change the title of the show to Showtime at the Apollo 13. I said no because that forces me to say Whitney Houston, we have a problem. Michael Jackson and a Saudi prince have formed a company they say will promote traditional family values. Nothing says family values more to me than a middle-aged man in full make-up grabbing himself and walking backwards. Prince Philips says he likes to stay in shape by shooting. Don't laugh, people say he has the finger of a 20-year-old. From The Late Show with David Letterman: Kato Kaelin has got a book coming out. He wanted a book that reflected his personality. I guess that means the book has no spine. M.C. Hammer filed for bankruptcy. He owes money to his lawyers, to the water department, and to the IRS. You know what that means...it's slammer time. Here's the big story; I'm sure you all know about that guy who lives in the crude one room cabin up there in the mountains. He has no electricity, no plumbing, no heat, no telephone, no running water. But enough about M.C. Hammer. |
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