The "National Enquirer" now reporting that Jennifer Lopez is on a starvation diet to lose some weight before she gets married to Ben Affleck. She says she's put on a few pounds the last couple of years; ironically, from eating wedding cake.
- 01.03.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Nicole-Smith said her New Year's resolution is to lose weight. That's my resolution, too, I also want Anna Nicole-Smith to lose some weight.
- 01.03.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The other night, Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon renewed their wedding vows in a private ceremony and the Village People played at their wedding reception. The lead singer of the Village People said it was nice for once to be the normal people at a party.
- 01.06.03
Over the weekend, US customs service agents seized 133 pounds of cocaine valued at $6 million from a Panamanian oil tanker in the port of Corpus Christi. They think the tanker filled with cocaine was on its way to Houston, Whitney Houston.
- 1.22.03
Julianne Moore has two movies out, "The Hours," and "Far From Heaven," and in "Far From Heaven," she finds out her husband is gay. Far from heaven? Sounds more like close to Hollywood.
- 1.27.03
Sylvester Stallone has signed on for another Rocky movie, "Rocky 6." In this one, he's fighting glaucoma.
- 2.19.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a new interview, Michael Jackson claims he sees the face of God in children. Not surprisingly, God usually screams and runs the other way.
- 2.19.03
February is Black History month. That's why we've seen so much of Michael Jackson lately. At one point in history, he was black.
- 2.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Basketball legend Michael Jordan has turned 40 years old. You can tell Jordan is getting older because the new Air Jordan's are slippers.
- 2.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
There's a rumor in the music industry that the Spice Girls are thinking about getting back together. As a result, the orange alert has been raised to red.
- 2.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Madonna's husband, Guy Richtie, said they haven't watched TV for three years because they didn't want to hear anything negative about themselves. After hearing this, Michael Bolton said he hasn't had electricity since 1971.
- 2.28.03
Over 250 naked men participated in an anti-war demonstration in Australia. They said it was the largest gathering of nude men not in a Christina Aguilera video.
- 3.04.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck says he's changed: he no longer goes out every night and gets drunk. In another interview, Jennifer Lopez said she's changed, and she no longer goes out every night and gets married….
- 3.04.03
As of the week, three different men have testified in the Robert Blake trial saying that Blake tried to hire them to kill his wife. One said Blake asked him to pop his wife, the other said Blake asked him to whack his wife, and the third said Blake asked him to snuff his wife. Pop, whack, and snuff - sounds like some evil Rice Krispies cereal.
- 3.06.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that John Travolta is considering starring in a sequel to "Battlefield Earth." Or, to save time, Travolta said he might just set fire to $40 million….
- 3.06.03
Britney Spears recently hosted a nipple piercing party and they say these parties are all the rage now. Really? How popular can they become? You can only go to them twice…
- 3.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
On last week's finale of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, Chris Judd, was declared the winner. Coincidentally, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," is also the last thing Lopez said to Judd.
- 3.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Intelligence reports from Pakistan say that Osama Bin Laden is constantly on the move and is always surrounded by an entourage of ten people. As a result, Bin Laden keeps getting mistaken for Jennifer Lopez.
- 3.14.03
According to a "Vanity Fair" article, Michael Jackson is almost bankrupt. Isn't that amazing? He's gone from a rich black kid to a poor white man….
- 3.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that John Travolta is considering starring in a sequel to "Battlefield Earth." Or, to save time, Travolta said he might just set fire to $40 million….
- 3.25.03
In the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" magazine, Lisa Marie Presley says that when she first maried Michael Jackson, he drunk, he cursed, he told dirty jokes. So apparently, he didn't just become a white guy, he became a redneck.
- 4.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Celine Dion recently began a three year singing engagement at Caeser's Palace in Las Vegas. Later, a spokesman clarified, it was actually a one year engagement that would feel like three.
- 4.10.03
Anna Nicole-Smith has lost 185 pounds. Her trainer quit.
- 4.18.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The ratings for the "Anna Nicole-Smith Show," are down 40% this season. A spokesman for E! explained the drop saying war coverage beat poor coverage.
- 4.18.03
Marlon Brando involved in a lawsuit; in the lawsuit he claims he has no money. According to court papers, three reasons given for Brando's lack of money: breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- 4.24.03
Rapper Q-Tip turned 32 recently. Now that he's in his 30s, he says he prefers to be called by his more adult name, Cotton Swab.
- 4.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yesterday was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." As a result, Michael Douglas spent the day saying, "No, she's actually my wife."
- 4.25.03
Michael Jackson is house hunting in Florida. He told the realtor his number one priority - a good school district.
- 5.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The latest news from Broadway is that Elton John is writing a brand new musical about vampires. When investors in the vampire musical were asked to comment, they said they were glad it was just about bloodsucking.
- 5.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a radio interview this week, New York mayor Bloomberg announced he has a crush on Jennifer Lopez. After hearing about this, Jennifer Lopez said that unfortunately she has a fiancé now, but there's always next year.
- 5.22.03
A professor at the University of London claims he has come up with a formula for making hit movies. He said it breaks down to percentages: 30% action, 70% comedy, 0% Madonna.
- 5.29.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A man who used to manage Demi Moore's ranch is claiming that Demi sexually harassed him. The man isn't suing, he just wants everyone to know.
- 5.29.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to "USA Today," there is a new clothing line that names its jeans after rock stars like Bob Dylan, Stevie Nicks, and Mick Jagger. The jeans come in large, extra large, and Meatloaf.
- 5.30.03
Most people say they don't want Martha Stewart to serve time in jail. The bad news: they want the death penalty.
- 6.09.03
As you know, the government is trying to prove that Martha Stewart made false statements…like she really shops at K-Mart.
- 6.10.03
Last week, Martha [Stewart] was formally charged with making false statements. That's against the law - unless you're trying to start a war.
- 6.10.03
Martha Stewart had an open letter to "USA Today" saying she knows she'll be exonerated. So apparently, she's still getting insider information.
- 6.10.03
Congratulations to actor Harvey Fierstein; went home with two Tony's the other night. One was the award, the other was the caterer.
- 6.13.03
Martha Stewart's lawyers are now saying prosecutors in her case are finding things that just aren't there. Sounds like we need them in Iraq.
- 6.16.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that five young men in Baghdad have started a boy band modeled after N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. If this is true, it means that Iraq may finally have acquired a weapon of mass destruction.
- 6.19.03
Harry Potter is fifteen in the new book, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." He's at that awkward age - too old for Michael Jackson, too young for Demi Moore.
- 6.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Kournikova announced that she'll be unable to play at Wimbledon because of a back injury. The weird thing is that the odds of Kournikova winning Wimbledon remain exactly the same.
- 6.24.03
P. Diddy is designing his own line of Lincoln Navigator SUVs. It will have three DVD players, six TV screens, and a much better place to hide your gun than that last one.
- 6.26.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yankee manager Joe Torre is very upset with George Steinbrenner's meddling. Last week, he told reporters, "I know what I'm doing and I have four rings to prove it." In a related story, Jennifer Lopez told Ben Affleck the same thing.
- 6.26.03
According to a recent survey, 25% of women believe that Martha Stewart does all her own housework. Martha said today she'll like to know who these women are and get them on her jury.
- 6.27.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Jennifer Lopez recently fired her agent and her manager. When asked why, she said she had to because she hadn't broken up with anybody in over a month.
- 6.27.03
One of Snoop Dogg's who was arrested the other night at the Black Entertainment Awards was an agent of the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Apparently, his job was to make sure that Snoop Dogg had enough alcohol, tobacco, and firearms.
- 7.03.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown want to co-star in a movie in which they play musicians who are also gangsters. Not surprisingly, the movie is called the Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown Story.
- 7.03.03
According to Joey Buttafuoco, he and O.J. Simpson have agreed in principle to a pay-per-view fight. They agreed in "principle." And believe me, when you think of men of principle, you think of Joey Buttafuoco and O.J. Simpson.
- 7.11.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
To prepare for an upcoming movie role, Renee Zellweger has been eating twenty donuts a day. After hearing about it, Anna Nicole-Smith asked who she was playing, Ghandi?
- 7.11.03
In a new interview, Mike Tyson said he is fighting serious demons. I though Tyson was a serious demon.
- 7.17.03
It's official: Kobe Bryant now officially charged with sexual assault. Kobe went from being on the Dream Team to needing a dream team.
- 7.21.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that Jennifer Lopez was unhappy with the way she looked on her latest movie poster so she insisted her rear-end be airbrushed. Not surprisingly, the guy responsible for airbrushing is being treated for exhaustion.
- 7.23.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that Jennifer Lopez was unhappy with the way she looked on her latest movie poster so she insisted her rear-end be airbrushed. Not surprisingly, the guy responsible for airbrushing is being treated for exhaustion.
- 7.23.03
The latest political rumor is that Ariana Huffington may run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor of California, which pretty much sums up California politics. You've got a Greek woman, an Austrian man, campaigning in English, in a state that speaks Spanish.
- 7.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Country Music Channel is coming under fire for airing a brand new video that features nudity. Normally country fans wouldn't be that upset, but the artist in the video is Willie Nelson.
- 7.28.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Madonna has signed a deal to be the new face of the Gap. As a result, their khakis now come in pleated, flat-front, and crotchless.
- 8.01.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that in Halle Berry's next movie, she plays an inmate and the movie includes a prison shower scene. The title of the film is "The Greatest Movie ever."
- 8.01.03
I'm sure you've heard: Mike Tyson has filed for Chapter 11. This is the first time Mike Tyson has gotten up to Chapter 11 in anything.
- 8.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week in Japan, Michael Jackson announced his own line of men's suits. Jackson said if the men's line is successful, he'll go into boys' pants.
- 8.12.03
Ben Affleck was on "The Tonight Show," the other night and he said he didn't think "Gigli" was a good movie. So, he's the guy who saw it.
- 8.21.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the Pentagon, Saddam Hussein has been moving his location three times a day to make sure he can't be found. The weird thing is, they're saying the same thing about Ben Affleck and J. Lo.
- 8.21.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A man is suing Best Buy Electronics after finding a tape in his new camcorder that showed several men having sex with each other. Today, the man received a formal apology from Best Buy and N'Sync.
- 8.27.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Singer Justin Timberlake's agreed to appear in an upcoming McDonald's commercial. McDonald's tried to get all the members of N'Sync, but most of them now work at Burger King.
- 9.09.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Over the weekend, just before they're wedding, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck broke up. Afterwards, J. Lo was very upset and said she isn't used to breaking up with someone before she got married.
- 9.17.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Big news out of California. This week, a judge in California said that the state must postpone its recall election until March of next year. After hearing this, Gary Coleman was thrilled because this means he could be in the news two years in a row.
- 9.18.03
According to "People" magazine, Mike Tyson getting his own reality show. It's going to be called Joe-Used-to-Be-a-Millionaire.
- 9.22.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
"Forbes" magazine came out with its list of the 400 richest Americans. Once again, Bill Gates is the richest man in the country. Not surprisingly, the richest woman is J. Lo's wedding planner.
- 9.22.03
Britney Spears and Madonna are teaming up to record a single together. That should start some tongues wagging.
- 10.02.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to fashion experts, the woman's thong is finally going out of fashion. Designers blame the thong's demise on changing styles, a more conservative public, and Anna Nicole-Smith.
- 10.02.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Roy's, of Siegfried and Roy, condition is improving. Today Siegfried said the show will go on with greater safety precautions. For example, in the new show they wrestle the Detroit Tigers.
- 10.09.03
Yoko Ono, who is 70 years old, will get naked on stage, in Paris, as part of an art show for peace. Hey, it could be worse - she could be singing.
- 10.14.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week Luciano Pavarotti completed his first ever music video. Pavarotti's video is called, "Oops I Ate it Again."
- 10.14.03
Because of all these allegations against Kobe Bryant, there's now talk of bringing in a so-called choking expert. Haven't the Chicago Cubs suffered enough?
- 10.23.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Kournikova announced that she is thinking about retiring from tennis next year and starting a career as an actress. When asked why, Kournikova said she believes if you put your mind to it, you can suck at anything.
- 10.23.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This Halloween, the most popular mask was the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. Here's the best part: with a mouthful of candy you'll sound just like him.
- 11.04.03
The "Globe" is reporting that according to sources close to Liza Minneli, Liza and David never had sex during their 16-month marriage. Can you blame either of them?
- 11.05.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week Justin Timberlake agreed to be a correspondent during NBA sports coverage. As a result, the show will be renamed, "Queer Eye for the Sports Guy."
- 11.05.03
Seems P. Diddy is being criticized by workers' rights group. They claim his clothing line is being produced by sweatshops in the Honduras. Let's follow me here: we have Central American brown kids, sewing clothes for North American white kids, so they can pretend to be African-American black kids.
- 11.07.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In an exclusive interview tonight on ABC, Martha Stewart is quoted as saying, "I don't know why people don't like me." Fortunately for Martha, it wasn't a call-in show.
- 11.07.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Oprah Winfrey said she realized she needed to lose weight when she went to a heavyweight fight and discovered she weighed more than the winner. Coincidentally, the same thing happened to Pavarotti at the Kentucky Derby.
- 11.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
CBS is currently negotiating with Michael Jackson to star in a music special later this month. When asked about it, Jackson said CBS was doing its best to attract young people…and so was he.
- 11.14.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A steamy sex video featuring hotel heiress Paris Hilton has been circulating across the country. Reportedly, Hilton's family is very upset about the video because it was shot at a Holiday Inn.
- 11.18.03
Court TV is reporting that a 12 year-old boy has accused Michael Jackson of sexual abuse. Police said they are searching Michael's house looking for anything unusual - like a girl.
- 11.20.03
CBS announced they are going to pull the Michael Jackson special that was going to run later this month. In place of it will be a new show, CSI: Neverland Ranch.
- 11.20.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Disney is in the middle of a really big controversy now because they are releasing a movie about Santa Claus where Santa is shown drinking, cursing, and having sex. When reached for comment, Santa said that was nothing - you should see his video with Paris Hilton.
- 11.20.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported this week that Paris Hilton wants to record an album, which makes perfect sense because Paris already has the number 1 video.
- 11.20.03
Rush Limbaugh back at work. Doctors said his rehab was successful, but it could be weeks before he's 100% self-righteous.
- 11.21.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the tabloids, Anna Nicole-Smith dropped 80 pounds. Apparently, the ham she was eating slipped out of her hand and rolled under the coach.
- 11.21.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the Santa Barbara police report, Michael Jackson is 5’ 11” but weighs 125 pounds. He’s really skinny. Apparently, Michael is able to keep his weight down because he always orders from the children’s menu.
- 11.24.03
MSNBC is reporting that Britney Spears is very upset because the new doll based on her doesn’t resemble her. Have you seen the doll? It has blonde hair, plastic breasts, and you pull a string and a pre-recorded voice comes out. What part did I miss?
- 11.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Britney Spears said that one of the songs on her new album is about masturbation because she thinks it’s something that should be encouraged. Then the reported told Britney not to worry because nobody has encouraged masturbation more than Britney.
- 11.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A London hospital reported that pop singer Meat Loaf is being treated for exhaustion after collapsing on state. Doctors say that Meat Loaf is fine but that they’ll never be able to fix the stage.
- 11.26.03
The Fox network is thrilled that Paris Hilton’s new reality show, “The Simple Life,” was number one the other night. This is a big change for her – usually her stuff goes straight to video.
- 12.08.03
The “New York Times” is reporting that Michael Jackson is $200 million in debt. They say Michael is so broke, he now has to dangle his kids from the balcony of Motel 6.
- 12.08.03
Looks like Johnny Cochran is going to join Michael Jackson’s defense team. The way it works is that the main attorney, Mike Geragos, will come up with the defense statement and then Johnny will come up with a sentence that rhymes with it.
- 12.22.03
Actually, Johnny Cochran spoke out about the Michael Jackson case today. He said compared to OJ Simpson, Michael’s case is just child’s play.
- 12.22.03
more on Michael Jackson….
There is talk that Michael Jackson may convert to Islam. Apparently, he is an admirer of Malcom X. He is also an admirer of “Malcolm in the Middle.”
- 12.22.03
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