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62 year-old Harrison Ford is returning to star in Indiana Jones 4. I think this new one is called, “Indiana Jones: the Quest for Fiber.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NBC has a hit new show. It stars Patricia Arquette as a woman who helps solve crimes with her ability to communicate with the dead. So, she should get along very well with the rest of the NBC line-up. One thing I don’t understand about the show. The woman gets clues from the dead to help her solve crimes. Why do the dead just give her clues? Why don’t they just tell her who did it? Mel Gibson has put out a book version of the “Passion of the Christ.” A book version? Didn’t that used to be called, the Bible? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Donald Trump got married this weekend. Donald Trump’s wife did change her name. She’s now known as Trump – the Wife. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: There are reports that Michael Douglas is getting ready to start on his third “Romancing the Stone” movie. He’s getting a little older; this one is called, “Passing the Stone.” According to police reports, Michael Jackson gave underage kids red wine hidden in cans of Diet Coke. That’s just wrong – this guy signed a deal with Pepsi. They were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool for the Michael Jackson trial. They said it was 25% African-American and 75% white. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s Michael Jackson…. Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison. She’s now a lean, mean sewing machine. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: There are rumors that Madonna has been cut out of her husband’s new movie. I don’t want to say Madonna’s a bad actress, but it turns out it was a home movie…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martha Stewart said that when she gets out of jail this week, she wants to get on with the next step of her life – revenge. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The jury has been chosen in the Michael Jackson case. It is two-thirds female and mostly white – just like Michael Jackson. The Michael Jackson case now has a jury. There are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. That sounds like the worst basketball team in history. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Robert Blake’s lawyers have rested their case; in fact, Blake did not take the stand in his own defense. That’s how you know you’re a bad actor – when you can’t even get a speaking part in your own trial. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In a very moving Oscar speech last week, Jamie Foxx said the reason he’s a good actor is because his grandma whooped him. If spanking makes someone a better actor, shouldn’t Madonna have an Academy Award by now? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Rapper Nelly has been nominated for two Country Music TV Awards. Nelly collaborated with Tim McGraw on a song. It’s an interesting combination – Country and Rap. What do you call those together? Crap? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martha Stewart is under house arrest at her estate for the next five months and a 24-hour suicide watch has been set up. Not for Martha, for her staff. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martha Stewart said that prison was the toughest, most humbling place she’s ever been in…outside of K-Mart. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Martha Stewart will spend the next five months under house arrest. She will be allowed to receive her salary, but she won’t be able to socialize, or go out to dinner, or go shopping, or go to the theater. For women, this is punishment. For guys, it’s like winning the Lotto. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Michael Jackson showed up in court looking stiff, awkward, had difficulty moving - maybe he really is white. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: I feel great. I've been doing that new Robert Blake workout -- no matter what you do wrong, you just walk. Robert Blake told Barbara Walters he doesn't know who killed his wife. Apparently, he asked so many people to kill her, he doesn't know which one did it. At the [Michael Jackson] trial, a flight attendant testified that when Michael would fly on her airline, she had standing orders to serve him wine hidden in Diet Coke cans. it's an old trick he learned from pilots. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: On his taxes, Michael Jackson was able to claim his entire lifestyle as a liability. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Drew Barrymore is in a new comedy called, “Fever Pitch.” It’s about a Boston Red Sox fan who gets to see his team win the World Series. It wasn’t even written as a comedy. Years ago it would’ve been considered Science Fiction. The mother of one of Michael Jackson’s accusers testified that she saw Michael Jackson licking her boy’s head, but she explains she didn’t do anything about it because she thought she was seeing things at the time. Like dollar signs…. Congratulations to Britney Spears – this is her first child. And congratulations to her husband, Kevin Federline. I believe this is his first legitimate child. The Apprentice’s Omarosa and Jose Conseco are going to be starring on a new reality show. It’s going to be called, “The Bitch and the Snitch.” NBC has a lot of religious shows: we have “Revelations,” about a nun who hears prophecies, then we have a show called, “The Book of Daniel,” about a priest who talks to Jesus, and then, of course, we have “The Apprentice,” with Donald Trump who thinks he’s God. Paris Hilton is coming out with a line jewelry for dogs. I believe it’s called Paris Hilton, doggie-style. Paris Hilton and Nicole Ricci are no longer friends. They tried to have a meeting of the minds, but that wasn’t possible. In her new autobiography, Jane Fonda says she has implants back in the 80s but she’s since had them removed. You can learn all about her on a new cable show, “Flat Actress.” From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Paris Hilton is in a new commercial for Carl’s Jr. Is that the best choice for Paris Hilton? She seems more like an In ‘n Out girl to me…. Last week at Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in New York City, they had the unveiling of the Paris Hilton wax figure. The resemblance is uncanny – the wax figure just stands there and doesn’t do anything either. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The Tony nominations were recently announced, and nominated for best score – Paula Abdul…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new medical study by the State University of New York, being with your mate can lower your blood pressure. And, if your mate is Robert Blake or O.J. Simpson, it can drop it to 0. According to "In Touch" magazine, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ricci have been offered a $100,000 a week pay raise to kiss and make up so that they can star in next season's "Simple Life." And, the price jumps up to $200,000 if they kiss and make up on video. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: There’s a lot of talk that Michael Jackson, if acquitted, will leave the country. One report says he wants to go to Africa and disappear. Africa? I think he has a better chance disappearing in Sweden. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A media watchdog group called, “The Parents Television Council,” says that Paris Hilton’s new Carl’s Jr. commercial is inappropriate for television. They say it’s basically soft-core pornography. Well, for Paris, that’s an improvement. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Donald Trump has started his own online university. It’s a school where you don’t need to attend classes in person. Or, as Ohio State calls it, the football program. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Kim Catrell, from “Sex and the City,” wrote a book called, “The Art of the Female Orgasm,” that did so well, she’s now writing another book. This one is about the male orgasm. I believe it’s called, “The One Minute Manager.” Some legal experts believe [the Michael Jackson case] will be a lengthy deliberation; nothing is black and white, including Michael Jackson. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to “Entertainment Weekly,” Sinead O’Connor was talking about her sexuality and said that she was ¾ heterosexual and ¼ gay. Women can get away with that. If a guy is even 1/32 gay, he’s gay. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The “New York Post” says that Paris Hilton says she wants to do a movie with her fiancé. Movie? Doesn’t her stuff usually go straight to video? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Sources close to Michael Jackson say he's planning on leaving the country. He wants to live in either Africa or Switzerland. Why is everything either black or white with this guy? To celebrate the 70th anniversary of Monopoly, they've come out with a new version that reflects today's city and modern pricing. In Los Angeles, for example, instead of free parking, you have valet; the income tax is 40%; and only celebrities get the "Get Out of Jail Free" card. A new study says that women's brains actually shut down when they're having an orgasm. That could go a long way in explaining Paris Hilton. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The movie, “The Fantastic Four,” opened last week. Don’t confuse that with Paris Hilton’s movie, “Fantastic on All Four.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to scientists at the University of Calgary, they say that sex actually increases the levels of the chemical that fuels brain cell growth. They say sex can actually make you smarter. Finally, some good news for Paris Hilton. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are paying volunteers to stay in bed for twelve weeks as part of an experiment on muscle loss. I think we finally found a job for Britney Spears’ husband. In St. Petersburg, FL, an 84 year-old man was arrested for a drive by shooting. He went by the rap name, Can’t P Diddy. Michael Jackson announced he wants to record a song for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Michael said if he could touch just one child…. According to “Access Hollywood,” Paris Hilton and Collin Ferrell were auctioned off as dates to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. Collin Ferrell went for $20,000; Paris Hilton’s date, $200,000. So apparently, her date must include a video. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Chicken experts at the University of Georgia have discovered how to turn some dark meat into white meat. Nice to see Michael Jackson’s doctor working again. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Britney Spears had a baby boy. They baby is doing fine, the mother is doing fine, the husband still isn’t doing anything. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he plans to run for a second term, or as he calls it, a sequel. “People” magazine has a cover story on Kirstie Alley, who lost 50 pounds. Do you know how she did it? She’s on the FEMA diet. You ask for food and nothing shows up. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “USA Today,” the views of blacks and whites differ sharply on the disaster. White people think one thing, black people think another thing, and Michael Jackson can’t make up his mind. Supermodel Heidi Klum and her husband, Seal, had a baby boy. Which, I guess, that would make the baby a baby seal…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Paris Hilton was pulled over by the cops in Beverly Hills for speeding on Rodeo Drive, and now she’s in even more trouble. She told the cops she’s an actress and now they’ve got her for fraud. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Donald Trump will be a guest on the soap opera, "Days of Our Lives," and his hair will be appearing in the new WB show, "Supernatural." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Madonna is now in trouble with Jewish Rabbis for using the name of the founder of the Kabbalah in one of her songs. They say their leader’s name should only be used in a place where no one will profit. You know, like Madonna’s movies. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Fox Network has canceled Paris Hilton's TV show, "The Simple Life." Paris says now that she's just going to concentrate on her movie career. You know, having a boyfriend with a video camera is not a movie career…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: How about this rioting in France? It’s amazing how many cars have been destroyed. Rioters have now destroyed more cars than Lindsay Lohan…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: While at the premiere of her new film, “Pride and Prejudice,” actress Keira Knightley’s left breast popped out of her dress. When you’re 20, they pop out. When you’re 40, they fall out, and when you’re 60, they drop out. In an interview in “InStyle” magazine, Salma Hayek said when she was a little girl, she asked God to give her large breasts; she put her hands in holy water and touched her chest. How can anyone hear a story like that and remain an atheist? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: There’s now talk that either Warren Beatty or Rob Reiner will run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor. That gives Californians a real choice – romantic lead, sitcom star, or action hero. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Nike has announced that after dropping Kobe Bryant two years ago, they’re bringing him back to endorse a new line of shoes. They don’t make you jump higher, but if you’re charged with a crime, they can help you walk. Britney Spears’ husband, Kevin Federline, has his own rap album now. He works under the rap name, La-Z. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Rapper 50 Cent said in the latest issue of “GQ” magazine his next goal is to market his own line of condoms. Is that a good idea? What would make you feel more secure than a 50 Cent condom…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Paris Hilton coming out with her own line of watches. And you thought Timex took a licking…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: In an interview with “InTouch” magazine, Cameron Diaz says she is always 15 minutes late. No matter what she’s doing, she’s always 15 minutes late. Which is not so bad; I don’t think guys mind when women are 15 minutes late. When a woman is 5 weeks late, that’s a problem…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to a new study, being in an unhappy marriage can be bad for your health. Especially if you’re married to Robert Blake or OJ, then it’s really bad. According to a whole bunch of new studies, sitting on a bicycle seat for long hours at a time can reduce a man’s sex drive. Fortunately, this condition is offset by Sheryl Crow. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: |
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