Tragic news today: Family Feud
was taping one of those theme shows -- the cast of Baywatch against the cast from
Models, Inc. They asked them a math question and all their heads exploded.
-12.28.94
George Burns celebrated his 99th birthday
the other day. To give you an idea of how old that is, he remembers when there was no O.J.
on TV.
-1.24.95
The producers of Baywatch and Models, Inc. are thinking about producing
a spin-off that will encompass the story lines of both those shows. The new show's title
is: "DUH!"
-1.26.95
Just a thought: When prisoners watch shows like Cops, do they root for the
criminals?
-2.15.95
Details are starting to come out now of Baywatch's Pamela Anderson's secret
wedding. At the wedding she was wearing a white thong bikini. Call me old fashion, but
your wedding day is special; you shouldn't be wearing your work clothes.
-2.28.95
These past disasters have really brought the good people of California together. For
example, the Baywatch lifeguards are even saving the unattractive.
-3.20.95
The hottest movie out now is Outbreak, a movie about a killer virus which mutates
into an airborne version of itself and infects an entire California town. Medical experts
at UCLA, however, claim that there is very little chance of that happening here.
Apparently the air in California is so bad that it'll kill the virus instantly.
-3.23.95
From this Monday's Oscars' telecast:
Eat Drink Man Woman was a nominee for best foreign film. Ironically, these are
the same words Arnold Schwarzenegger uttered when he first asked Maria Shriver out.
-David Letterman, host of the Oscars.
Before the closing of Chasen's, a landmark
Hollywood restaurant, Elizabeth Taylor bought 5 gallons of chili. So if there's a rambling
in the morning...it was not an aftershock.
-4.07.95
From Late Night with Conan O' Brian:
Michael Jordan has returned, and here are last night's statistics...McDonald's up 3/4,
Nike up 1/8.
-4.13.95
The Fashion Cafe recently opened. It's run by supermodels Elle Macpherson, Claudia
Schiffer, and Naomi Campbell. I understand that its all-you-can-eat special is a raisin,
piece of wheat toast, and a bottle of Evian.
-4.14.95
Baywatch's Pamela Anderson is
going to star in her first feature length film. She plays the part of a bounty hunter.
Here's how it works: Once men find out she's after them, they turn themselves in.
-4.24.95
The Fashion Cafe, whose owners include supermodels Elle Macpherson, Claudia Schiffer, and
Naomi Campbell, is like any other cafe. Only difference is that if you find a hair in the
food, it's probably been styled, conditioned, and tinted.
-4.25.95
One of the army's female 4-star generals,
Patricia Hickerson, was on the news talking about what it was like being such a high
ranking female in the army. She said that people aren't used to seeing someone dressed as
a general and also wearing lipstick...unless of course, they've been to a Michael Jackson
concert.
-5.05.95
CBS announced plans for a 2 hour celebration for George Burns on his 100th birthday in
January. Is that something you can count on? With the way things are going at CBS, it
might not be around in January.
-5.05.95
George Foreman, the reigning heavy-weight champion, has a new book out. It's an
autobiography about what made him the man he is today. That must mean it's a cookbook.
-5.16.95
In an interview in Esquire
magazine, Heather Locklear said she likes it when her husband ignores her to watch
football because that let's her know she's with a real man. So women, next time you see
your husband stretched out on the couch like a big fat slob, with his pants unbuttoned, a
beer in one hand and a big of Cheetos in the other, watching TV, you could lose him to
Heather Locklear.
-5.22.95
Connie Chung was let go as one of the anchors of the CBS Evening News. The way
CBS told her about it though, was really, really cruel: They had Newt Gingrich's mother
whisper it into her ear.
-5.23.95
From The Jon Stewart Show:
The movie Forrest Gump has grossed over $650M world-wide. Paramount now says the
movie has lost them more than $60M. I guess Forrest not only starred in the movie -- he
was also the accountant.
-6.12.95
Batman can't fly, can't melt things with
his eyes, can't outrun a speeding bullet. Basically, all he's got to qualify him as a
superhero is a big mansion, a weird costume, and a boy wonder. So really, Michael Jackson
is a superhero.
-6.26.95
From Late Night with Conan O' Brian:
It was reported that Luciano Pavarotti is having an affair on the side. His wife knew
nothing about it because she was on the other side.
-7.17.95
Possible items on a CHP exam:
A CHP code word for a missing person is:
a) a "12-22"
b) a "Section 15"
c) an Erik Estrada
-7.20.95
The Teamsters are trying to organize the supermodels and get them to join the Teamsters
Union. You know what you call Kate Moss with a picket sign? A kite.
-7.31.95
Disney has bought ABC for $19B. For that much money, Kevin Costner could make two movies.
-8.04.95
Anna Nicole Smith, the 27 year old former Playboy centerfold and Guess
jeans girl, attended the funeral of her 90 year-old multi-millionaire husband. She was
wearing a low cut white dress with a big slit up the side. I don't think she quite knows
how a funeral works. Apparently, when she heard that people would be stopping by to view
the body, she though they meant her's.
-8.11.95
Anna Nicole Smith is still grieving over the death of her 90 year old multi-millionaire
husband. She said the thing she misses most was how they would sit together, side-by-side,
holding hands, writing checks together.
-8.17.95
From Late Night Conan O'Brien:
It was reported last week that Lisa-Marie Presley and Michael Jackson are splitting up.
She said he wasn't the man she thought he was and he said she wasn't the boy he thought
she was.
-8.22.95
New York currently pays jurors $15 a day and now they're raising it to $25 a day. Here in
Los Angeles, we only pay $5 a day, but here it's steady work and you get a better chance
of meeting celebrities.
-8.23.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Michael Jackson turned 37-years-old this week. He said, "I fee like a kid again, but
I better not."
-9.01.95
From The Late Show with David Letterman:
A designer in Oregon is introducing a line of ties inspired by the neckties that O.J.
Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran wears. The guy says they came in 50 different
varieties...kind of like O.J.'s alibis.
-9.15.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported Tuesday that John Bobbit's adult movie grossed over 10 million. I'm just
not sure whether that's dollars or people.
-9.15.95
Supermarkets are reporting that bacon sales are down because of the movie Babe.
They say since the movie came out, people actually feel bad about eating bacon. This isn't
the first time a movie has affected food sales. Hot dog sales went down when Remains
of the Day came out.
-9.18.95
Robin Williams is set to star in a new movie called Jack. In the movie, he
plays a student whose body develops four times faster than his mind. I think a lot of
women would rather call this movie "Men."
-9.19.95
There was a big accident on the set of Melrose Place. Apparently a bed
collapsed injuring 6 of the 10 actors in it.
-9.20.95
There's a new book out called Conversations Beyond the Light. In this book, the
author claims that after you die, you go to a place where everyone is 25, you can have sex
all the time without getting pregnant, and everybody drives an expensive car. So I guess
when you die you wind up in Melrose Place.
-9.21.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Prince is selling his Beverly Hills mansion for $3.5 million. Realtors are advertising it
as "The house formerly owned by the artist formerly known as Prince."
-9.21.95
The writers and director of Showgirls, which is a movie about Las Vegas lap
dancers, say the movie is not pornography: It is a realistic story of how beautiful young
women can fall into the hands of ruthless, manipulative people who convince them to appear
naked in exploitive productions -- like Showgirls.
-9.22.95
The screenwriter for Showgirls says the movie is really a morality tale about a
young woman who turns against the forces trying to corrupt her. Apparently the
screenwriter thought the best way to battle these evil forces was for her to throw her
clothes at them.
-9.22.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Kathie Lee Gifford announced she will no longer be hosting the Miss America pageant.
Apparently that call-in vote wasn't just for swimsuits.
-9.25.95
Peter Neufield and Barry Scheck are now working for a script for a television series for
CBS. I guess CBS figures that after making up all those alibis for O.J., making up stories
for TV should be a snap.
-9.26.95
It was announced last week that Mike Tyson's next fight in November will be on the Fox
Television Network. HBO has announced it's going to program Forrest Gump opposite
the fight. So that means you can watch Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump on HBO or you can watch
Tyson turn somebody into Forrest Gump on Fox.
-9.27.95
It is being reported that singers Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are getting a divorce.
It was really mean how he told her: "Houston, we have a problem."
-9.27.95
The star of Showgirls, Elizabeth Berkley, was the class president in the show Saved
By The Bell. I think I know why she was so popular.
-9.28.95
Lois, of Lois & Clark, after she found out would-be fiancé Clark was
Superman:
"When were you planning on telling me -- on our honeymoon? Our first anniversary?
When the kids started flying around the house?"
-10.04.95
Tim Taylor, of Home Improvement, on how women prefer conversation and men prefer
sex:
"That's why we call them the opposite sex. We like sex and they like the
opposite."
-10.04.95
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet, from Entertainment Weekly:
The Addiction. The story of a female vampire. In keeping with the theme the whole
movie sucks.
-10.04.95
Good Morning America's Spencer Christian, dissing his Today competitor:
"I don't want to suggest that Al [Roker] is large, but when he was a kid he could
only play seek."
-10.05.95
It seems like a lot of people are going to see the movie Showgirls for a second
time. I can understand that. There's a lot of stuff you don't see the first time around --
like their faces.
-10.06.95
Republicans are trying to convince Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for the governorship of
California. Just because a guy makes a movie called True Lies, they think he's a
politician.
-11.01.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Bad news for Fox TV: Mike Tyson has canceled his Saturday night fight with Buster Mathis.
Right now Fox TV is scrambling to find 30 seconds of replacement programming.
-11.03.95
Anna Nicole Smith's former bodyguard claimed that he was Anna's lover during her marriage
with that 90 year old billionaire. Today she denied it and said that he only comforted her
once when her husband died and a few times when he wouldn't die.
-11.09.95
Michael Jackson is currently reviewing his financial situation because of cash problems. I
guess now when he's grabbing himself he's checking for change.
-11.10.95
The Pillsbury Doughboy had his 30th birthday last week. You know, a lot of guys get
depressed when they turn 30, and the Pillsbury Doughboy is no different. They found him
this morning with his head in the oven.
-11.13.95
Actress/model Farrah Fawcett, who is nude in the December issue of Playboy, says
she is so shy, she won't even change her clothes in front of her longtime boyfriend.
That's got to be depressing for him. The guy lives with one of the most beautiful women in
the world but has to shell out $4.95 to see her nude.
-11.16.95
Scientists at Ohio State University say that because of Thanksgiving coming up, turkeys
have been bred to have such large breasts that some of them can't support their own
weight; and now they're in the middle of a project to build leg strength back into turkeys
so that they can at least stand up and walk around. In fact, they are working on a similar
project at Baywatch.
-11.21.95
In an interview with the BBC, Princess Diana said she would not divorce Prince Charles
because there are two children involved. Yeah, her and Prince Charles.
-11.27.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a poll of British citizens, 83% of British people say they forgive Princess
Di for her infidelity. Apparently, the other 17% has never gotten a good look at Prince
Charles.
-11.27.95
CBS has canceled the show Courthouse after only 8 episodes. They say it was in a
very bad time slot -- it was stuck between two other CBS shows.
-11.28.95
Beetlemania has arrived and is sweeping through the country once again. Not to be outdone,
New Kids on the Block is back. In fact, they were reunited at McDonald's recently
when they were all working the same shift.
-11.28.95
The Prime Minister of England is meeting with the Royal Family to see what kind of job
they can have Princess Di do. The hardest part, of course, is explaining to the Royal
Family what a job is.
-12.06.95
Next week on Lois & Clark is going to be the first episode in which they are
going to have sex. In the ad for it, Lois is wearing a see-through nightgown. Why? Doesn't
Superman already have x-ray vision?
-12.07.95
Good news: Michael Jackson's condition has been upgraded from bizarre to strange.
-12.11.95
From Laughlines, LA TIMES:
A car buyer is particularly impressed with one model, but notices that the radio in it has
no buttons or knobs. The salesman explains to the customer that it is voice-activated; all
he must do is shout what he wants to hear and the radio will play it.
Taking the car for a test drive, the man decides to try the radio. When he shouts
"rock 'n' roll," out blares Pearl Jam. He is impressed, so a short time later he
yells "country." The sounds of Garth Brooks fill the car.
Enjoying the song, he starts to pull on the freeway, but is petrified and furious when a
guy cuts him off and almost hits him. "Idiot," he screams.
In a flash, Howard Stern comes on the radio.
-12.12.95
There are reports that O.J. Simpson is out looking for work but nobody wants to hire him.
I don't understand why, he's got a killer resume.
-12.27.95
Scientists at Purdue University have conducted experiments on cows and have found that a
cows milk production decreases when they listen to heavy metal music. More startlingly,
when researchers played Michael Jackson music, the cows would milk themselves.
-12.29.95
Prince Charles said over the weekend that he has no intention of remarrying if he gets a
divorce. He says he'll just date. Since when did marriage ever stop a member of the Royal
Family from dating?
-12.29.95
Things are not looking good for CBS. The head of their news department, Eric Ober, was
fired last week. Here's the sad part: ABC News got the scoop first.
-1.03.96
"Nixon," starring Anthony Hopkins
as Nixon and Bob Hoskins as J. Edger Hoover, is one of the year's most critically
acclaimed and educational movies. For example, I didn't know that Nixon and Hoover were
British.
-1.05.96
From Late Show with David Letterman:
Because of the blizzard, 600 businessmen were stranded in Kennedy Airport, 500 businessmen
were stranded in La Guardia, and 400 businessmen were stranded at Madonna's place.
-1.11.96
Movies seem to be getting longer and longer lately. For example, "Heat" was
about 3 hours; "Nixon" was about 3 1/2 hours long. That's why I like Pauly Shore
movies. His movies only last about 10 minutes to 1 hour, depending on when you decide to
get up and walk out.
-1.18.96
Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley are getting divorced and some speculate it could be
because of religious differences; Michael is a Jehovah's Witness and Lisa-Marie is an
agnostic. So I guess on Sundays they go around the neighborhood and ring doorbells for no
apparent reason.
-1.22.96
more on the Jackson-Presley divorce...
Lisa-Marie filed irreconcilable differences as reason for their divorce. Didn't she know
before they got married that there might be some differences? When you meet a man in his
30s who hangs around kids, walks around in a Klingon's General outfit, paints his entire
body white, lives in an amusement park, and his best friend is a chimp, wouldn't you think
there would be irreconcilable differences?
-1.22.96
The highlight of this week's Astronomy Convention at San Antonio, Texas is the
announcement that they have found a place in the universe with 5 times as many burned out
stars as previously thought. In fact, the last time anybody saw this many burned out stars
was in an episode of the "Love Boat."
-1.24.96
O.J. is giving his first interview tonight on BET, the Black Entertainment Television.
Although, there are concerns that ratings for the interview will be hurt because of
Clinton's State of the Union address yesterday. They think viewers may not be able to sit
through two nights of make believe.
-1.24.96
There's a trend now called "Exhale Parties." This is when people, especially
women, watch "Waiting to Exhale" and sit around after the movie ends to discuss
the film. I understand that now people are starting "Pauly Shore Parties." This
is when you discuss what you did after you left the movie.
-1.25.96
Michael Jackson is very depressed by his divorce and his friends are trying to snap him
out of it. Like yesterday, one of them tried to get him excited about going to Toy's 'R
Us, but Michael said he didn't want to go there because those places are just meat
markets.
-1.25.96
Anybody see O.J.'s interview on B.E.T.? Well, so much for those of you who thought O.J.
couldn't act.
-1.31.96
Last week, Diana Sawyer spent 2 nights at a maximum security prison for women for a story
on Primetime Live. I guess she's getting ready for that big interview with Hillary
Clinton.
-1.31.96
Next week, a great, great episode of "The X-Files," and it's a true story. It's
about the most famous case of alien abduction ever. It's the Lisa-Marie Presley case.
-1.31.96
Anna Nicole Smith has filed for bankruptcy. People are shocked. It's the first time she's
ever gotten to Chapter 11 in anything.
-2.06.96
In a commercial for the LaToya Jackson psychic hotline, LaToya says she can help you with
your career, with your finances, with your love life, and with your relationships. Now,
why would you call LaToya? The woman has filed for bankruptcy, she has no career, she
claims she's never had sex with her husband, and all her relatives hate her.
-2.07.96
Actor David Carradine says that even though he's taken over 500 acid trips, he can still
learn the dialogue for his show "Kung-Fu" in about two minutes. That's pretty
impressive, until you realize there's only 2 minutes worth of dialogue in the show.
-2.08.96
The tabloids are reporting trouble between supermodel Claudia Schiffer and magician David
Copperfield. Apparently, she came home early one day and found him in bed with half a
woman.
-2.12.96
O.J. Simpson has been using the phone so much he tried to get on that MCI Friends &
Family Plan...but he's fresh out of both.
-2.13.96
O.J. was on CNN and one of the moderators asked him why he had $10k in cash in the Bronco
during that slow speed chase. O.J. said he had the money because he was planning to take
his kids to Disneyland. That's ridiculous. Every parent knows an adult and 2 kids cannot
visit Disneyland for $10k.
-2.13.96
Barbie is a teacher now. But she's also been a nurse, a doctor, a cowgirl, and a
ballerina. This is all part of Mattel's Barbie-Can't-Seem-to-Hold-a-Steady-Job line.
-2.13.96
The Snoop Doggy Dogg murder case has gone to the jury; and according to an inside source,
the very first vote shows the jury split right down the middle: six voted good Doggy Dogg,
six voted bad Doggy Dogg.
-2.21.96
O.J. Simpson said that if all American families were like his family, this country would
be a better place. Well, it would certainly have a lot less people....
-2.22.96
There are reports that O.J. is looking to buy a home in Ireland. The Irish people are not
happy about O.J. showing up there with all those lawyers. St. Patrick drove all the snakes
out of Ireland, and here's O.J. bringing them back.
-2.27.96
Princess Di has agreed to divorce Prince Charles. Charles has remained understanding
though, and is even encouraging her to see other people. In fact, today he gave her O.J.'s
phone number.
-3.04.96
Princess Di and Prince Charles are getting a divorce and they have made arrangements for
the children. I guess on weeknights they'll be with Diana's nanny and on weekends they'll
be with Charles' nanny.
-3.04.96
Reporters are interviewing psychologists and counselors on television about the divorce.
According to one expert, getting a divorce is the second most traumatic experience a
member of the Royal Family can go through, next to getting a job.
-3.04.96
O.J. is said to be trying to market a line of O.J. Simpson toys and dolls. But Mattel has
beat him to it...they've introduced a new 911 Barbie.
-3.05.96
Opera great Luciano Pavarotti has admitted that he is having an affair with his 26
year-old secretary. Is "admit" really the right word? If you're 60 years old,
weigh 400 pounds, and you're having an affair with a 26 year-old, that's not admitting,
that's bragging.
-3.06.96
Princess Di says she wants to go on television with Prince Charles to explain their
marital trouble to the public. What's to explain? Most people realize it's hard to make a
marriage work when both parties are dating other people.
-3.07.96
Michael Jordan is coming out with his own cologne called Michael Jordan. So I guess
Madonna is not the only one to go out of the house smelling like a basketball player.
-3.15.96
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported that Princess Di is having an affair with another horse trainer. Well, you
know what they say: When you fall off one horsetrainer, you gotta get back on another.
-3.15.96
The Pillsbury Doughboy celebrated his 35th birthday last Monday. The good news is that
they had a huge cake for him; the bad news is he was the cake.
-3.25.96
We all know by now that the Best Picture winner is "Braveheart," Best Director
is Mel Gibson, Best Actor and Actress are (respectively) Nicholas Cage and Susan Sarandon.
But what about the Other Oscars? Here now are three awards that weren't mentioned
yesterday:
Mountain Dew won for Best Theater Floor Adhesive;
Joe Eszterhas, the writer for movies such as "Showgirls" and
"Basic Instincts" won for
Saving money on costumes by having all the women in his movies appear
nude; and
For Best Score, the Oscar goes to Christopher Darden for his work on
Marcia Clark
As you know, this month both Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls and attorney F. Lee Bailey
received sentences. It's kind of interesting how the law works. Dennis Rodman got a 6 game
sentence because of a head butt and F. Lee Bailey got a 6 month sentence for being a
butthead.
-3.26.96
From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Because the divorce settlement for Princess Di is so exorbitant, Royal Family insiders are
saying Prince Charles may have to get a second job doing nothing.
-3.26.96
The Pillsbury Doughboy is now 35. The next time somebody pokes a finger into him it'll
probably be for a prostate exam.
-3.27.96
From Whoopi Goldberg, during the 68th Annual Oscar's telecast:
Women's roles were interesting this year. Elisabeth Shue played a hooker, Mira Sorvino
played a hooker, Sharon Stone played a hooker. How many times did Charlie Sheen get to
vote?
Quincy Jones wanted to change the title of the show to Showtime at the Apollo 13. I said
no because that forces me to say Whitney Houston, we have a problem.
Michael Jackson and a Saudi prince have formed a company they say will promote traditional
family values. Nothing says family values more to me than a middle-aged man in full
make-up grabbing himself and walking backwards.
-3.29.96
Prince Philips says he likes to stay in shape by shooting. Don't laugh, people say he has
the finger of a 20-year-old.
-3.29.96
From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Penthouse magazine apparently has video tape of Pamela Anderson having sex with her
husband Tommy Lee of Motley Crue. The strange part about this is that the videotape was
shot by a surveillance camera at 7-Eleven.
-4.02.96
Kato Kaelin has got a book coming out. He wanted a book that reflected his personality. I
guess that means the book has no spine.
-4.05.96
M.C. Hammer filed for bankruptcy. He owes money to his lawyers, to the water department,
and to the IRS. You know what that means...it's slammer time.
-4.05.96
Here's the big story; I'm sure you all know about that guy who lives in the crude one room
cabin up there in the mountains. He has no electricity, no plumbing, no heat, no
telephone, no running water. But enough about M.C. Hammer.
-4.08.96
From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Rumors in Hollywood is that there’s going to be a Rocky 6. Sylvester Stallone
is not only going to star in it, he’s going to be writing, producing, and directing
it all by himself. The other big rumor: he’s going to be watching it all by himself.
- 8.31.99
From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
A reporter was interviewing Sean Connery [on his 69th birthday] last week and
asked him how he kept his teeth in. Do you know what Connery said? Bond. Denture Bond.
- 8.31.99
The movie "What Planet Are You
From" opened this weekend. It's a movie about a dorky guy who is desperate to find
any woman on the planet to sleep with him. I think this was the Rick Rockwell story.
-3.06.00
Jennifer Lopez said that the dress she's going to wear for the Oscars is going to be more
conservative than the one she wore at the Grammy's. This one is going to be two-ply.
-3.07.00
According to the "New York Post,"
Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss is filing for bankruptcy. In fact, she's so broke now she's
calling herself "Planet Hollywood" Madame.
-3.15.00
In her People magazine interview this week, Kathie Lee Gifford said the prescription she
and Frank are using to get over his affair is lots and lots of sex. And Frank today said
he likes the prescription idea, he just wishes he could get it filled at a different
pharmacy once in awhile.
-3.16.00
According to the Enquirer, Shania Twain has joined a "no-sex" cult - or as
Clinton calls it, a terrorists group.
-3.17.00
In a TV Guide interview, the executive assistant to "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry
revealed she had a 15-year affair with him. She said she was a virgin until he boldly went
where no man had gone before.
-3.21.00
Frank Gifford is wearing a neck brace. Actually, there's nothing wrong with him, but he
has to wear the brace ever since Kathie Lee heard him talking on the phone to a friend
about the pain in the neck he's been living with.
-3.21.00
The stolen Oscars have been recovered. At first, police were wondering who would steal a
bunch of actors and they only had 2 suspects, Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van-Damme.
-3.23.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
After scheduling a big concert in Las Vegas, Luciano Pavarotti had a press conference and
admitted to reporters that he is very bad at gambling. Pavarotti said that the last time
he was at Las Vegas he lost $1,000 at the roulette table and $100,000 at the buffet table.
-3.29.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The other day Microsoft stock dropped so dramatically that Bill Gates was losing money at
the rate of $4.7 million per second. When reached for comment, Bill Gates said that now he
knows what it's like to produce a Kevin Costner movie.
-4.05.00
Jason Priestley arrested for drunk driving.
Police said his blood-alcohol level was 9-0-2-1-0.
-4.10.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Britney Spears is recovering from an accident during the shooting of one of her videos
where she suffered a concussion. Doctors said it could've been much worse, but luckily
Britney fell forward….
-4.10.00
Diana Ross has announced plans to tour with the Supremes. She's touring with the Supremes
again from June to August, although she's not touring with the original Supremes. I guess
the original Supremes got into some money dispute with Diana. Apparently, they wanted
some….
-4.13.00
Kathie Lee Gifford was on celebrity Who
Wants to be a Millionaire this week. She topped out at $32,000. Did you see the
question she missed: "What is minimum wage?"
-5.04.00
There's a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles that specializes in making people look
like the celebrity of their choice. One of his patients is a former sheriff who now makes
his living looking like Tom Arnold. How does he do that? Even Tom Arnold can't make a
living as Tom Arnold.
-5.17.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a brand new interview that just came out, Britney Spears was asked about breast
augmentation surgery. She said that personally she could never do it. She went on to say
that that was why she had a skilled surgeon do it for her.
-5.17.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been rumored that Brooke Shields is now engaged to a comedy writer she met on the set
of "Suddenly Susan." Which begs the question, "What was a comedy writer
doing on the set of "Suddenly Susan"?
-5.18.00
Congratulations to 21 year-old basketball
star Kobe Bryant. He just got engaged to his 18 year-old high school sweetheart. Her name
is being kept private for now. Kobe said he doesn't want to give out her name or address
-- he's afraid Michael Douglas might come down here and steal her away.
-5.25.00
According to "Entertainment
Weekly," Sylvester Stallone has finished the screenplay for "Rocky 6."
Stallone is getting up there in years. Apparently in this one, Rocky battles erectile
dysfunction.
- 6.01.00
Hugh Grant and supermodel Elizabeth Hurley have split up. Don't worry about Hugh, I'm sure
he'll find someone else - it might cost him $100, but he'll find someone else....
- 6.02.00
Congratulations to Kenny G., who turned 44 yesterday. Big party, all 5 of his brothers
were there: Kenny A., Kenny B.,....
-6.06.00
From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
O.J. Simpson said the other day that he's never been more angry than now because it was
circulated that apparently during the trial he took a lie-detector test and did not do
very well in it. Now he says he wants to do a lie-detector test on pay-per-view. The
problem maybe that nobody really is interested anymore. In Hollywood there's nothing worse
than a murderer except a has-been.
-6.08.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The latest celebrity rumor is that Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf got married this weekend.
Reportedly Agassi told her he will marry her, but only if she promises never to do a show
called, "Suddenly Susan."
- 6.12.00
Donald Duck just turned 66 years-old. Kind of a tough age. Now when you see him walking
around without any pants on, you don't know if he's acting or if he just forgot.
- 6.13.00
NBC has come up with what they say is the ultimate gameshow. In this one, contestants on a
deserted island try to answer Regis' questions and the survivor has to marry Rick
Rockwell.
- 6.14.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At the Billboard Jazz Awards, Kenny G. took home 6 trophies. Apparently, the people who
actually won the trophies are furious and want them returned immediately.
- 6.15.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The other day, Britney Spears told reporters that she plans on remaining a virgin until
she gets married. Apparently, Britney went on to say a few other things, but the reporters
were laughing too hard to hear.
- 6.16.00
Jane Fonda was on Oprah last week and she
said she's always confusing sex and intimacy. She said that some people can have sex all
their life without ever being intimate. You know what you call those people? Men.
- 6.19.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week Madonna purchased a $16 million mansion in London with high security. Apparently
there will be a man stationed at every entrance - just like on Madonna.
- 6.19.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Posh Spice said she was recently on a flight and someone stole her suitcase, which had
tapes of a solo album she's working on. After hearing this, the FAA declared that the
person who is now in possession of that suitcase is a terrorist capable of mass
destruction.
- 6.20.00
Arnold Schwarzenegger told "Access
Hollywood" last week that he is going to do a "Terminator 3." Although he
is getting a little up there [in age]. Instead of saying, "I'll be back," he
says, "Ow, my back."
- 6.29.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Roseanne has announced that she's planning to do a nude pictorial for "Playboy."
When asked about it, Roseanne admitted it wasn't her idea to pose nude for
"Playboy," the idea came from the publisher of "Penthouse."
- 6.29.00
A Los Angeles judge has ordered rap star Old Dirty Bastard to attend 6 months of drug
rehab. You know who I feel sorry for in all of this? Not the members of his group, not Old
Dirty Bastard. I feel sorry for his children - those little Bastards.
- 7.10.00
They have created a Britney Spears museum in her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. They
said the Britney Spears museum will have some of her old dresses and other articles of
clothing, including shoes. That's pretty much a closet, isn't it?
- 7.10.00
It was Richard Simmons' birthday yesterday; he's 52. Birthdays are a little different for
Richard. He refuses to blow out birthday candles because he feels that each candle has the
right to burn and shine as long as it possibly can.
- 7.13.00
They've just cancelled the Diana Ross/Supremes "Return to Love" tour. The main
problem with the tour was that they were having microphone problems. Apparently the
Supremes wanted microphones too.
- 7.13.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last Friday was Kathie Lee Gifford's last day on "Live with Regis and Kathie
Lee," and to mark the occasion, Mayor Giuliani named last Friday "Kathie Lee
Gifford" day. Which basically means nobody had to go to work except children under 10
years old.
- 7.31.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the "New York Post," when Jennifer Lopez got a massage, Sean Puffy
Combs came in with her and told the massage therapist not to touch her rear-end. The
massage therapist said he wouldn't have been able to massage Jennifer Lopez's rear-end
anyway because she only booked a half day.
- 8.02.00
Kathie Lee Gifford's last show drew huge ratings. The highest ratings in the history of
the show. Almost one-third of all the people watching TV at that time tuned in to watch
Kathie Lee say good-bye. Just goes to prove, give the people what they want and they turn
out in droves.
- 8.03.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Robert Downey, Jr. was released from prison last week and he was hired to play Calista
Flockhart's love interest on Ally McBeal this season. When asked about it, Downey, Jr.
said he definitely prefers her to the love interest his had the past 11 months.
- 8.18.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The ratings for "Live with Regis" are up 27% from a year ago when Kathie Lee was
still on the show. And, ratings could go even higher because producers have decided to
change the name of the show to "Live without Kathie Lee."
- 8.25.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported that Kathie Lee Gifford will be performing a concert this Fall outside the
Today Show studio. It's all part of her nationwide, "The Thing that Won't Go
Away" tour.
- 8.28.00
Because Jennifer Lopez wasn't at his annual
Labor Day BBQ, the big rumor is that Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy may have split up. You
know what makes him saddest about this - leaving her behind....
- 9.20.00
It was Meatloaf's birthday earlier this week. For his present he told his wife he wanted a
wild night of hot sex, and she said, "I'm sick of Meatloaf."
- 9.29.00
In the current issue of "Maxim" magazine, Charlie Sheen claims he slept with
over 5,000 women. He says he's had sex with porn stars as well as the girl next door;
which, in Hollywood, the girl next door is a porn star.
- 10.05.00
more on Charlie Sheen....
He [Charlie Sheen] also said he was so good in bed that women called him the machine.
Considering how many women were hookers, they're probably calling him the ATM machine....
- 10.05.00
27 years ago last Monday, Elvis and
Priscilla Presley divorced. I read that after they divorced, Elvis still had the cook set
a place for her every night - and then Elvis would eat both meals.
- 10.12.00
O.J.'s ex-girlfriend gave an interview and she said one night a dangerously coked-up O.J. actually reenacted the killings for her. You know what the sad part is? She said the acting was really bad.
- 10.20.00
Singer George Michael just bought a piano once owned by John Lennon for $2M. I thought he was an organ man myself....
- 10.25.00
Anna Nicole Smith was hospitalized after dropping a barbell on her arm while working out. She said that staying in intensive care brought back a lot of memories for her because that's where she first met her husband....
- 10.25.00
Daryl Strawberry was arrested once again for drug possession. The latest news is that his lawyer claims that he has diplomatic immunity from arrest and cannot be prosecuted. Apparently, Daryl has so much cocaine in his system that he is legally a part of the country of Columbia.
- 10.27.00
A lot of scary entertainment stuff this past weekend. You had "Blair Witch 2," "Shadow of a Vampire," and the new Kathie Lee Gifford CD....
- 11.01.00
Matthew Perry of "Friends" told "US Weekly" that he doesn't like always being famous. He says you don't exactly want to be recognized when you're going #1, or especially when you're going #2. You know, if you don't want to be recognized when you're going #2, close the door.
- 11.06.00
CBS's Dan Rather turned 69 last week. Hopefully this is the only time you'll hear the words Dan Rather and 69 together....
- 11.09.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported last week that sales of Kathie Lee Gifford’s new CD are
extremely low. In her defense, a spokesperson for the retail industry said
sales of gag gifts are down nationwide.
- 11.21.00
Paramount Pictures announced they are doing another "Star
Trek" movie; this is their 10th one. You can tell the crew
is getting old, too. The title for this one is, "In Search of
Sensible Shoes."
- 11.24.00
Congratulations to Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, they got married. I guess she finally turned 18....
- 11.29.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
On Monday, magician David Blaine is going to crawl into a block of ice and stay there for 2 days. Blaine has been preparing for the stunt by having an affair with Martha Stewart.
- 11.29.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has taken up boxing as part of her struggle to control her notorious temper. She said she got the idea of using boxing to control her temper because it's worked so well for Mike Tyson.
- 11.30.00
Things aren't looking good for Al Gore. In fact, more people say they are willing to stand behind Robert Downey, Jr. than they are Al Gore.
- 12.01.00
Actor Robert Downey, Jr. was arrested again for possession for cocaine
and crystal meth. Producers for the show "Ally McBeal" will write
Robert Downey, Jr. out of the show for 5 to 10 years.
- 12.08.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Kathie Lee Gifford plans to star in a TV movie called "Spinning Out of
Control" in which she plays an actress who becomes a junkie. Critics
say the role is a stretch for Kathie Lee not because she plays a junkie, but
because she plays an actress.
- 12.08.00
Mel Gibson is in a new movie called "What Women Want." In the movie, Mel plays a man who suddenly has the ability to read women's minds and know what they're feeling and thinking. Psychologists have a name for men like this - they're called gay.
- 12.21.00
The number 1 movie in the country continues to be Mel Gibson's romantic comedy "What Women Want," making $34M. that title only works with women though. You're not going to see a movie called, "What Men Want." If you did, it's pretty much just a porno film.
- 12.21.00
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
60 year-old Chuck Norris is leaving the show "Walker, Texas Ranger." Norris is reportedly angry because CBS wanted to change the name of the show to "Texas Ranger with a Walker."
- 1.24.01
A lot of stars at the Golden Globe Awards. Tom Hanks was there. Julia Roberts was there. Liz Taylor - almost there....
- 1.25.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Justin Timerlake of N'Sync announced that he is interested in doing some
solo work. Timberlake said because his girlfriend Britney Spears won't
sleep with him, he's been doing a lot of solo work....
- 1.29.01
According to "Allure" magazine, Jennifer Lopez is now the
highest paid Hispanic woman in film history, getting $9 million for her
role in the movie, "The Wedding Planner." And that's just up
front, on top of that she has a huge back end....
- 1.29.01
Madonna, who was nominated for a Grammy, told "Elle" magazine
she is a big fan of Britney Spears. But, she can't really compare herself
to Britney Spears because she says it's like comparing apples and oranges.
There's always the question of whether those are real apples or fake
apples....
- 2.01.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Michael Jackson announced that he will record 2 to 3 songs with his
brothers in an upcoming album. When asked about it, Michael said he was
doing it to show that black people and white people can get together....
- 2.01.01
Regis Philbin announced he's found a replacement for Kathie Lee, although Frank Gifford says he's still looking.
- 2.07.01
A spokesman for Puff Daddy confirmed that he and Jennifer Lopez have broken up. He said it's going to be tough to leave her behind....
- 2.16.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new computer virus is circulating around the Internet that disguises itself as an email from Anna Kournikova. Apparently, thousands of men have opened the email just so that they can brag about catching a virus from Anna Kournikova.
- 2.15.01
Britney Spears is joining Bob Dole as a spokesperson for Pepsi. What kind of ad campaign is that? 19 year-old half-naked virgin; 80 year-old guy on Viagra....
- 2.13.01
Willie Nelson has recorded a rap version of "On the Road Again" with some rap singers. The music is described as a combination of country and rap. I guess that would be "crap" pretty much.
- 2.13.01
More and more news on why Jennifer Lopez and "Puff" Daddy called it quits. According to some reports, Jennifer and "Puff" Daddy may have broken up as much as 6 months ago but have been maintaining a façade so that "Puffy" doesn't go to jail. Why not? Worked for the Clinton's....
- 2.19.01
Everybody's jumping on this "Hannibal" bandwagon. For example, this morning on the "Martha Stewart Show," Martha showed how you can feed a party of 12 by making it a party of 11.
- 2.20.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A spokesman for Sean "Puffy" Combs confirmed that he and Jennifer Lopez have in fact, broken up. It was a tough breakup. Apparently, "Puffy" dropped Lopez like a gun out of a speeding car.
- 2.20.01
In testimony in court, Anna Nicole-Smith said she and her husband were like 2 peas in a pod. 2 peas in a pod? Have you seen a picture of them? Looks more like 2 cantaloupes and a prune....
- 2.22.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
When Christina Aguilera was being interviewed just before the Grammy's, she said, "I am accustomed to all the 'hecticity' of these events." In a related story, it turns out that Aguilera is the main speechwriter for George W. Bush.
- 2.28.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to last week's paper, O.J. Simpson recently shot a porno movie where he has sex with 2 women. If the report is true, it will be the second time O.J. has gotten off in front of the whole country.
- 3.01.01
Michael Jackson is at home recovering from a broken foot. He can't perform. You know what you call a Jackson who can't perform? LaToya....
- 3.07.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Britney Spears said she would love to do a duet with Michael Jackson. Apparently, Britney feels a strong connection with Jackson because his nose and her boobs are made out of the same material.
- 3.07.01
According to a New Jersey poll, 92% of married women say they would marry the same man - Mel Gibson.
- 3.08.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was recently reported that Sean "Puffy" Combs lost 30 pounds. Apparently, "Puffy" lost the 30 pounds when he was just about to go through a metal detector.
- 3.08.01
The former cast members of the TV show "Gilligan's Island" announced plans to auction off momentous from the show and donate the proceeds to charity. I believe the name of the charity is "Former Cast Members of 'Gilligan's Island'."
- 3.14.01
I was at a great St. Patrick's Day party. The bartender was making the "Puff Daddy": 3 quick shots and you can still walk away....
- 3.20.01
More of a family feel to the Oscars this year; a lot of celebrities were there with their parents. Kate Hudson was there with her mom and dad. Ed Harris brought his father, Catherine Zeta-Jones brought her dad - wait, no, that was Michael Douglas.
- 3.27.01
Christina Aguilera has been signed to endorse Coca-Cola. Britney Spears does Pepsi. Actually, originally Coke wanted to hire Britney, but then they would have to drop the slogan, "It's the real thing."
- 4.18.01
There's now an Emimem action figure. Who's is that for? Guys who hate gays but still want to play with dolls?
- 4.20.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A judge gave Emimem two years probation for weapons charge. The judge was quoted as saying that his probation should be over about the same time as his career.
- 4.20.01
David Copperfield was pretty seriously injured and had to go to the hospital. While at the hospital, he did an amazing trick: he made the doctor and 3 of the nurses disappear. You know how he did that? Told them he was in an HMO.
- 4.24.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Michael Jackson has been dropped by his management company, which also handles the Backstreet Boys. Apparently, the management company dropped Michael Jackson because he also wanted to handle the Backstreet Boys.
- 4.24.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A snack food company has announced they're coming out with a candy named after N Sync called "N Sync Hot Heads." And, apparently, the N Sync Candy hangs out with the Britney Spears candy, but never gets inside her wrapper.
- 4.25.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The German government wants to pass a law that requires men who hire prostitutes to wear a condom. They're even doing an ad campaign that tells all German men to put a "Zeigfried" on their "Roy."
- 4.27.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Rapper Old Dirty Bastard has pled guilty to drug charges in New York City and he's going to have to go to prison. And apparently, Old Dirty Bastard's new nickname in prison will be Sweet Young Bitch.
- 5.01.01
It seems the principal of a Cincinnati school has sent a letter home to parents regarding allegations that a fifth grade class was swapping sex for soda money. Trading sex for soda. So apparently, that new Britney Spears' Pepsi ad is really working.
- 5.02.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
They're making a new "Planet of the Apes" movie and reportedly they needed to edit out a sex scene between a man and a chimp. However, the scene will appear in the upcoming film, "The Michael Jackson Story."
- 5.02.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Michael Jackson announced he wants to do a reunion concert with his brothers at Madison Square Garden. Michael said he enjoys working at Madison Square Garden almost as much as his brothers enjoy working at the Olive Garden.
- 5.03.01
Firestone is now offering free brochures on tire safety called, "Inflate, Rotate, Evaluate." Which is also the title of Britney Spears' autobiography....
- 5.09.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Mike Wallace of "60 Minutes" had his birthday earlier this week and turned 83. Apparently, Wallace says that 60 minutes now refers to how long it takes for him to pee.
- 5.11.01
Puff Daddy has a new interview in "Vanity Fair." Puff Daddy says he'll always love Jennifer Lopez and said if he was in a building that was on fire, he would run in to save her. Imagine Jennifer Lopez in a building in fire, talk about a rump roast.
- 5.21.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new study, actors who have won Academy Awards live 4 years longer than actors who were nominated and loss. The study also reveals that Pauley Shore has 6 months to live.
- 5.21.01
Robert Blake's lawyers say they have a list of B-list celebrities that Blake's wife had panned on trying to contact. Turns out it's the exact same list "Hollywood Squares" has....
- 5.24.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
New York Yankee Derek Jeter was spotted at a restaurant making out with supermodel Tyra Banks. Unfortunately for Jeter, he got thrown out going for second....
- 6.01.01
Have you seen this commercial for Claritin, where they show Mike Piazza and they say thanks to Claritin, a major league baseball player doesn't have to worry about red eyes and runny nose anymore. The fact that it works on Mike Piazza doesn't impress me. If it works on Darryl Strawberry, that impresses me.
- 6.07.01
The rap star known as Nelly has filed a complaint with TWA airlines claiming he was treated poorly on a flight because he's black. He said the flight was uncomfortable, the flight attendants were rude, and there weren't enough pillows. That's not discrimination - that's called coach.
- 6.15.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the New York Post, Britney Spears has been suffering from a bad case of acne lately and her face is all broken out. Luckily for Britney, no one's looked at her face in over 4 years.
- 6.15.01
It doesn't look like "Basic Instinct 2" isn't going to happen. But Sharon Stone is hopeful - she's keeping her legs crossed....
- 6.29.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, John Travolta says he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
- 6.29.01
Doctors say heat is hardest on kids and old people. This has got to be an especially hard day for Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
- 7.09.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a recent interview, Jennifer Aniston didn't sleep with Brad Pitt the first nine months they dated. When asked about it, Aniston said she wanted to, but the line was too long.
- 7.09.01
Ike Turner trying to turn his life around; he told "Entertainment Weekly" that he is a member of his Neighborhood Watch program. Actually, he's not really a member, he's the one everybody is watching....
- 7.12.01
Former Australian Outback "Survivor" Jeri posed nude in the September issue of "Playboy." She said about posing nude that it's a risk, but risks are what actresses take. Taking your clothes off does not make you an actress, taking your clothes off and having sex with a producer, then, then you're an actress.
- 7.30.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Jermaine Jackson that he won't be showing up for the upcoming Jackson 5 reunion because he thinks his brother Michael is charging too much for tickets. After hearing about it, Michael Jackson said to keep peace in the family, he would buy Jermaine a ticket.
- 7.30.01
Happy birthday to Mick Jaeggar - 58 years-old. He's at that awkward age in between being a Stone and passing one.
- 8.01.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Rapper "Old Dirty Bastard" was sentenced to 3 years in prison for drug related charges. Afterwards, his lawyers said this was very sad - they hope this doesn't ruin the good name of "Old Dirty Bastard."
- 8.01.01
The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn Bonus:
Nicole Kidman is 34 this year. There was a huge party, and the highlight was a giant piñata filled with half of everything Tom Cruise owns.
- 8.01.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The producers of "Nightline" announced this Fall that Ted Koppel is going to do a special series on gay life in America. The producers say the best thing about doing a gay-themed series is that Ted Koppel may finally meet a good hairdresser.
- 8.03.01
Mariah Carey, who checked into the hospital for extreme exhaustion, is doing better. Today her condition was upgraded from serious to slightly self-indulgent.
- 8.07.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Britney Spears says that the songs on her upcoming album will show everybody that she's not "a little girl" anymore. After hearing this, her boyfriend Justine Timberlake said, "Great. If only I could get her to show me she's not a little girl."
- 8.07.01
Mariah Carey says she believes there is an orchestrated conspiracy by a large number of people to keep her career and her record sales down. I think that's called the public.
- 8.10.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week in the southern half of the country, a fierce tropical storm forced the cancellation of several N 'Sync concerts. Scholars say this is the most conclusive evidence so far that God does exist.
- 8.15.01
MTV is 20 years old and has done so much for so many artists. Do you realize that if it wasn't for MTV, Vanilla Ice would be a total unknown than a famous has-been?
- 8.20.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Before a concert in Las Vegas recently, 80s pop star Rick Springfield fell and broke his arm. As a result, Springfield had to cancel the show and gave the money back to the fan.
- 8.20.01
In "People" magazine, Madonna said her life has been exhausting since she started her world tour. She said there isn't a second of her life that isn't taken up looking after her family or thinking of her show - her day is filled with problems of work and family. Someone should tell her, everyone else calls that, "life."
- 8.22.01
Singer Sinead O'Conner has gotten married. Remember a couple of years ago she said she was celibate, then a year later she said she was a lesbian. Either way, it doesn't sound like the guy's going to have a good honeymoon.
- 8.28.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that next month at Michael Jackson's Madison Square Garden concert, Ricky Martin is going to team up with Michael on "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough." And, they'll sing together, too.
- 8.28.01
According to the New York "Daily News," actor Hugh Grant is taking a break from acting. He said he's doing it because he wants to, "Find out what makes me happy." I think we know what makes Hugh Grant happy....
- 8.29.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Zeigfried and Roy have been chosen as grand marshal of a parade in New York at the end of the summer. Reportedly, the parade will go up 6th Avenue, up Broadway, then up Zeigfried and Roy.
- 8.29.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The city of Los Angeles is going to install portable pay toilets on their streets. City officials said they got the idea of making money off crap from Kevin Costner.
- 9.05.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The animal rights group PETA is angry at Britney Spears because she plans to perform with several wild animals during the MTV Video Music Awards. A spokesperson for PETA said it's cruel to subject wild animals to lip-synching.
- 9.07.01
People feel that Anne Heche (during Barbara Walter's interview) came across as ditzy, confused, and a bit of an airhead. Well, at least we know she's a natural blonde.
- 9.19.01
Italian tenor Luciano Pavarotti is on trial in Italy for income tax evasion. The government says he owes $26 million. Pavarotti currently on bail because he is not considered a risk to run.
- 9.20.01
Anne Heche said the night she met Ellen DeGeneres was the best night of sex she ever had. She said they made love for 17 hours. That's the difference between lesbians and men. Lesbians meet and 2 minutes later they spend 17 hours in bed. A straight guy spends 17 hours trying to get a woman in bed, it's over in 2 minutes.
- 9.20.01
Britney Spears has revealed that she and Justine Timberlake of N'Sync apparently are living together at a home in Los Angeles. But, she insists she is still a virgin. Do you believe her? Hey, her initials are B.S....
- 9.21.01
Michael Jordan said this week he is returning to the sport he loves. Let's just hope it's not baseball.
- 9.27.01
He's (Jordan) going to be playing for the Washington Wizards. Pundits and sports guys point out Jordan has not played professional basketball since 1998. But then again, neither have the Washington Wizards.
- 9.27.01
Saw the movie, "Glitter," the other night. I see why Mariah Carey was treated for severe exhaustion. I had to fight to stay awake during this thing; I couldn't imagine working on it....
- 9.28.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Over the weekend in L.A., Jennifer Lopez got married to one of her dancers in a private ceremony. Not surprisingly, when J. Lo's father walked her down the aisle, they had to walk single file.
- 10.04.01
Hugh Grant says he has dated 50 women since he broke up with Elizabeth Hurley, and he said none of them can compare with her. However, he also said if he can get #23 and #48 in bed together, that would be pretty close.
- 10.05.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Elton John said you couldn't pay him enough money to be heterosexual. On the other hand, Elton John said if you're a homosexual, his rates are quite reasonable.
- 10.05.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At a recent news conference, Michael Jordan said he was going to make a comeback to basketball because he has "an itch that still needs to be scratched." In a related story, Dennis Rodman says he has a rash he can't get rid of….
- 10.10.01
Madonna is starring in her husband's new movie, which is being filmed in Malta. And now, the Maltese government is worried she might be targeted by terrorists. Her acting isn't that bad….
- 10.12.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Madonna says she is more interested in a movie career than being a singer. Apparently, Madonna realized she was a great actress after seeing Mariah Carey in "Glitter."
- 10.12.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new product is about to hit the market called, "The Wonder Butt," which lifts and separates the butt. After hearing about it, Richard Simmons said that's fantastic because sometimes his arms get tired.
- 10.19.01
O.J. Simpson is on trial for road rage down in Florida and now they're putting together yet another O.J. jury. They have to find 12 people who don't know who O.J. is or what his background is. I know who those people are, they're called his girlfriends.
- 10.22.01
Dave Navarro, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, marrying Carmen Electra. He told "Jane" magazine that when he first spotted her at a restaurant, her eyes pierced his heart from 20 yards away. I don't think those were her eyes….
- 10.23.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was announced last week that Jerry Springer has been given a role in a Broadway show. In honor of Springer, Broadway's new nickname is the "Great White Trash."
- 10.23.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported last week that Jennifer Lopez is getting $12 million for her next movie. Not only that, Mariah Carey is getting $14 million for not making her next movie.
- 11.05.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week NBC announced that David Hasselhoff will appear in an upcoming episode of "Fear Factor." On the show, Hasselhoff becomes terrified when he finds himself surrounded by women with real breasts.
- 11.07.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week Britney Spear's third album came out. Critics describe it as "the album where Britney announces she's a woman." Coincidentally, critics said the same thing about Elton John's new album.
- 11.13.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
- 11.14.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Vice-president Dick Cheney said for the past 2 months he's been hiding out in one secret location after another. Cheney said he got the idea from Mariah Carey.
- 11.19.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Barry Manilow said he may be white, but in his heart, he's a black R&B singer. The strange thing is that Michael Jackson said the same thing….
- 11.20.01
Michael Jordan said he can't wait to see the Harry Potter movie. He's not a fan, he just wants to see what it's like to have the Wizards win once in awhile.
- 11.27.01
"Sex and the City" star Kim Catrell and her husband have written a book called, "The Art of the Female Orgasm." Of course, the biggest problem with the book is that men can't seem to finish it and women think it should be read repeatedly.
- 12.03.01
"Sex and the City" star Kim Catrell and her husband have written a book called, "The Art of the Female Orgasm." Of course, the problem is that bookstores don't know where to put it on the shelf. Men think it's fiction and women think it's self-help.
- 12.03.01
According to the New York Daily News. Madonna is now in negotiations to appear to appeal in the "Vagina Monologues." Talk about typecasting. With Madonna, it's more like the "Vagina Travelogues."
- 12.04.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The First Lady of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is suing the supermarket tabloid the "Star" for $50 million because they printed a story claiming Aretha abuses alcohol. After hearing about it, a spokesperson for the "Star" said, "$50 million? What is she, drunk?"
- 12.04.01
Shaquille O'Neal is taking special classes to join a police reserve unit. I think Shaq's uncle is a cop. And Shaq says he's always wanted to be a cop. I think Shaq would make a great cop - as long as he doesn't have to shoot anyone from the free throw line.
- 12.13.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Idaho, the Sun Valley Resort is renaming a ski run "Arnold's Run" after Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not only that, the resort is naming a straight-to-video store after Sylvester Stallone.
- 12.13.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported last week that a lot of travelers are complaining about being padded up and down by security guards at airports. They say it's really excessive and that it's a problem. In a related story, Richard Simmons says he flies 5 or 6 times a day.
- 12.18.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's really hard to believe - it's already December 19. Christmas is next week, or as Winona Ryder would say, there are only 5 shoplifting days before Christmas….
- 12.19.01
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In his latest report from Afghanistan - where he's been reporting - Geraldo Rivera says that Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan. Which means, the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.
- 12.20.01
Joan Collins is getting married to a man 32 years younger than she is. She said today she's fallen for him and she can't get up.
- 1.11.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Singer Eric Clapton married a 25 year-old woman who's half his age. Meanwhile, Keith Richards married a 50 year-old woman who's half his age….
- 1.11.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
After being arrested at a nightclub the other day, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter said simply, "I was at the wrong place at the wrong time." Which, coincidentally, is what people say after they've been to a concert by the Backstreet Boys.
- 1.15.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Pentagon officials said that they believe that Osama Bin Laden is still in hiding and they expect him to release some more disturbing videos. Then they said the same thing about Mariah Carey.
- 1.16.02
According to the latest poll, 39% of Americans say President Bush is the man they admire the most, the highest percentage in the history of the Gallup Poll. And, they say the figure could go even higher - they're just waiting for the results from Florida.
- 1.18.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Janet Jackson said last week that due to exhaustion, she might quit touring. Not only that, Tito Jackson said that due to exhaustion, he might quit the Red Lobster.
- 1.29.02
During the Superbowl, they had an ad of the movie, "Mr. Deeds," starring Adam Sandler and Winona Ryder. I understand she's pretty good in it. In fact, they say she steals the movie.
- 2.11.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Charleston Heston said that celebrities that have bodyguards are cowards - they should just carry guns like he does. In response, most celebrities say they have bodyguards because Charleston Heston carries a gun.
- 2.11.02
Anna Nicole-Smith told E! Online last week that she hasn't had sex in 7 years. She's still waiting for Mr. Right-About-to-Die.
- 2.12.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Catherine Zeta-Jones was named as the new spokesperson for Elizabeth Arden cosmetics. Zeta-Jones will help launch their new fragrance, "Creepy Old Guy."
- 2.12.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that 80s pop star Tiffany is going to appear in the April issue of "Playboy" and her publicist announced that Tiffany's had a boob job, which, in fact, is the only job Tiffany's had since the 80s….
- 2.13.02
A 3 year-old black miniature poodle named Spice Girl won first place at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York City. The dogs in the show are judged solely on their looks, there's no talent involved. Kind of like the real Spice Girls.
- 2.19.02
The "Skeleton" is back as an Olympic event after 54 years. They call it "riding the skeleton." Sounds like Anna Nicole-Smith's honeymoon.
- 2.20.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The latest rumor in the world of music is that Christina Aguilera is going country. When asked about it, Aguilera said that she's going to put the "ho" in hodown.
- 2.20.02
68 year-old Joan Collins and her new 36 year-old husband have been married now almost 2 weeks. He was quoted in the paper saying that every night before he goes to sleep, he feels old age creeping up on him….
- 2.27.02
Michael Jordan's undergone knee surgery. Michael's going to miss five games, if not the rest of the season; he blew his knee out. Actually, do you know what Michael Jordan was carrying when he hurt his knee? The whole team.
- 3.04.02
Last Wednesday, Michael Jordan had orthoscopic surgery to repair a torn cartilage in his knee. Teammates all went to visit him in the hospital - all the Wizards gathered around watching Michael. It was like being at the game….
- 3.04.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Kathy Lee Gifford has agreed to star in a play about a woman who murders her husband. When asked about it, Frank Gifford said that at this point, it doesn't sound so bad.
- 3.05.02
Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi says he writes a love letter to his wife Heather Locklear everyday. Big deal - I know a lot of guys who write a love letter to Heather Locklear everyday….
- 3.07.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported last week that Luciano Pavarotti has put on more weight and now he is well over 300 pounds. In fact, he is now two of the three tenors.
- 3.07.02
A Whitehouse source says that under a new proposal from President Bush, some women on welfare could get paid for getting married. This is known as the Anna Nicole Smith Bill.
- 3.08.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Fox network has announced that Paula Jones will take part in a televised celebrity boxing match next week. This means for the first time ever, we might hear Paula Jones and knockout in the same sentence….
- 3.08.02
The big news: David Letterman has agreed to stay with CBS for $31.5 million a year. There was talk of Letterman going to ABC, but ABC is owned by Disney - and they already had a guy working there named Grumpy.
- 3.13.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Spring training is underway and one of the players trying to make the major leagues this year is Derrick Hasselhoff - David Hasselhoff's cousin. You can tell he's Hassolhoff's cousin because after he hits the ball, he runs in slow motion.
- 3.13.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier this week, the Fox network aired a boxing special, where Tonya Harding fought Paula Jones, and Todd Bridges from "Diff'rent Strokes" fought Vanilla Ice. The only thing we know for sure is that they're all losers.
- 3.15.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Sally Jesse Raphael announced that after 19 years her show has been cancelled. Executives decided to cancel Sally Jesse's show after they realized it was still on the air….
- 3.21.02
There are rumors that Liza Minelli's husband might be gay. She felt she needed to release a statement in the "New York Post" that said her new husband is great in the sack. And if you don't believe her, she's got 10 guys who can vouch for him….
- 4.03.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that at a recording studio, Madonna got into a heated argument with George Michael. Apparently, they were arguing about who slept with more men….
- 4.03.02
More and more gossip coming out about Liza Minelli and her honeymoon. It was reported this week that on the first night of the honeymoon, her new husband hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door - but Liza came in anyway.
- 4.04.02
John Wayne Bobbit got married again. You remember John Wayne Bobbit, don't you? The only man in America to be married and separated at the same time.
- 4.06.02
Britney Spears opening "The Britney Spears Restaurant" in New York. Her friends say it's a great idea. They say her cooking is lip-syncing good….
- 4.08.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Celine Dion's record company issued a warning saying that playing Celine's new album on your computer's CD-ROM drive, could cause your computer to crash. And if nothing else, it will cause your computer to lose all respect for you.
- 4.08.02
It's been reported that for the big May sweeps edition of "Celebrity Boxing," Fox is lining up a fight between Joey Buttafuoco and John Wayne Bobbit. They say this will be the first time 2 boxers will be declared brain dead before the fight.
- 4.12.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that Michael Jackson is going to have a cameo in the sequel to "Men in Black." This will be the first time in 20 years anyone has heard Michael Jackson and black in the same sentence.
- 4.12.02
A new book out about Martha Stewart paints her as a ruthless, driven, stop-at-nothing, businesswoman. Or as men call that, successful.
- 4.15.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Kathy Lee Gifford has announced that she's writing her memoirs and says the book will be "painfully honest." As opposed to Kathy Lee's albums which are honestly painful.
- 4.15.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Arnold Palmer announced that after the Masters are over, he will retire. When asked what he's going to do, Palmer said he was just going to relax and play golf.
- 4.16.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Sally Jesse Raphael released a statement saying that she recently discovered that someone is selling fake autograph photos of her on the Internet. The really shocking part is somebody's buying them.
- 4.24.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week, Michael Jackson and former President Clinton appeared at the same fundraiser in Harlem. Reportedly, Michael Jackson and President Clinton were the only white people there….
- 4.26.02
One of the men Robert Blake approached about killing his wife was a stunt double from his TV series, "Barreta." How stupid is that - you get a guy who looks just like you to murder your wife.
- 5.02.02
According to Robert Blake's attorney, we should not take those two stuntmen seriously - you know, the one's that said that Robert Black hired them to kill his wife. He said whenever there's a high profile trial like this, there's always people who come forward, try to confuse the public with stories and comments, and obscure the truth. I think they're called lawyers.
- 5.02.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Kournikova's lawyers are suing "Penthouse" magazine because they claim the magazine's nude photos of Anna Kournikova are fake. If Kournikova wins the suit, it'll be the first time she's won anything.
- 5.07.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The minister at Britney Spears' former church is very angry at pictures of Britney smoking cigarettes because he says smoking cigarettes is a sin. The minister says he wishes Britney would quit smoking and focus more on dancing around half-naked.
- 5.13.02
The photographer who sold "Penthouse" magazine those topless photos of tennis star Anna Kournikova said he mistook the woman for Anna Kournikova because of the diameter of her nipples. That's a typical guy mistake - if you think how much easier it would've been to identify her if he had just looked at her face.
- 5.20.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week in court, the man who sold fake nude photos of Anna Kournikova to "Penthouse" said in his defense that he mistook the woman for Kournikova because of the diameter of her nipples. After carefully examining the photos, the judge said, "Do I have a cool job or what?"
- 5.20.02
Sportscaster Marv Albert recovering from injuries after his limousine hit a stalled donut truck on the highway. Everybody at NBC was concerned. Katie Couric wanted to know if Marv was ok. Matt Lauer wanted to know if the limousine driver was ok. And Al Roker wanted to know how were the donuts.
- 5.21.02
Tammie Faye Baker is now an advice columnist for a gay magazine. She's a good choice - gay guys see Tammie Faye and they feel they made the right decision.
- 5.28.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Cher announced at a press conference that she will be doing her final concert tour. Which is odd, because most of Cher's body will be doing its first concert tour.
- 5.28.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported that Michael Jackson will direct his first full length movie. It's a black and white film about a guy that went from black to white.
- 5.31.02
Lennox Lewis says his trainer has fully prepared him for his fight with Mike Tyson this weekend. He says he's trained to take body shots, block head shots, and in fact, he's even gotten his rabies shots.
- 6.05.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At a press conference this week, 63 year-old Evel Knievel said that he wants to make one more jump. When asked when the jump would take place, Knievel said right after "Matlock" and before "Diagnosis Murder."
- 6.06.02
According to the "National Enquirer," Robert Blake says wants to get a facelift before the trial. He probably wants to get the guilty look off his face.
- 6.10.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At a press conference last week, 63 year-old Evel Knievel said that he wants to make one more jump. Unfortunately, during the press conference, Knievel fell and broke his hip.
- 6.10.02
Pamela Anderson has called off her wedding to Kid Rock. The rumor is she got fed up with all his drinking. If you're choosing alcohol over Pamela Anderson, that is a drinking problem.
- 6.17.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Kevin Costner said that he recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend. Costner said the breakup was long, painful, and disappointing, just like his movies.
- 6.17.02
Michael Jackson has just had his sixth nose job. In fact, do you know what he calls all his previous nose jobs? The Jackson 5.
- 6.21.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space. A spokesperson for NASA said they're fine with the idea, the only problem is that Jackson insists on coming back.
- 6.21.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, "Wheel of Fortune" letter turner Vanna White announced she is divorcing her husband after 11 years of marriage. Vanna said there's no romance in their relationship - he hasn't bought her a vowel in years.
- 6.28.02
Scientists have now identified the shortest unit of time ever measured. It's the length of time between when Wimbledon begins and when Anna Kournikova is eliminated.
- 7.02.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week in Manhattan, Britney Spears hosted a part to open her brand new restaurant. You can tell it's Britney's place because nobody ever gets inside.
- 7.02.02
THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO Bonus:
They had the B.E.T. awards last week, the Black Entertainment Television awards. Alicia Keys won for best new artist, Ja Rule won for best hip-hop, and R. Kelly won for best underage score.
- 7.02.02
The FBI still investigating who is responsible for that string of anthrax mailings last year. They said the person who did it most likely made the anthrax themselves, is meticulous, good with their hands, and not very well liked. It's…Martha Stewart.
- 7.03.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Liza Minelli announced that next year her autobiography will be coming out. Not only that, Liza also announced that next year her husband will be coming out….
- 7.10.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week, David Hasselhoff checked himself into the Betty Ford clinic to treat a problem with alcohol. Hasselhoff said he knew he had a problem because he thought his car was talking to him.
- 7.11.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At her concert the other night, Cher referred to Britney Spears as a "bitch." In response, Britney Spears, during one of her concerts, lip-synced the same thing about Cher.
- 7.12.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the "New York Post," Halle Berry's husband, Eric Benet, has checked into a clinic to be treated for sex addiction. At the clinic, doctors explained to Benet that he's not a sex addict, he's just married to Halle Berry.
- 7.18.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Liza Minelli and her husband are going to be the stars of their own reality series. But, Liza's husband says there won't be any cameras in their bedroom; mainly because all the cameramen refuse to go into their bedroom.
- 7.29.02
The Anna Nicole Smith show that premiered over the weekend is called a "reality" show. That's what I love about L.A.: it's the only place a woman with bleached-blonde hair, collagen lips, fake boobs, is considered reality.
- 8.07.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The "Wall Street Journal" has apologized for mistakenly reporting that movie star Sylvester Stallone is overweight and currently weighed 278 pounds. The Journal also apologized for mistakenly reporting that Stallone is currently a movie star.
- 8.12.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Police in L.A. are out there trying to arrest Motley Crue singer Vince Neil because they claim he hit a man outside a nightclub. If Neil did attack the man, it would be Motley Crue's first hit since 1985.
- 8.13.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In England, a bunch of scientists that specialize in working with animals and animal intelligence have trained a crow to take a piece of wire and bend it into a hook in order to reach a piece of food. Scientists say that some day they hope to teach the same trick to Anna Nicole Smith.
- 8.16.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really bad taste.
- 8.26.02
Congratulations to Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie-Presley - they were married last month in Hawaii. When a reporter asked Michael Jackson if he was jealous, he said Nicolas Cage was too old for him.
- 9.03.02
Tonya Harding was sentenced to 10 days in jail for violating her probation by drinking alcohol. The judge was going to sentence her to house arrest, but then he realized she could've just gotten in her house and driven away.
- 9.03.02
Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.
- 9.13.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Liza Minelli and her husband have announced that they are going to adopt a baby. Not surprisingly, the baby said thanks, but no thanks.
- 9.13.02
CBS announced plans for a reality version of "The Beverly Hillbillies." They want to move a real trailer park family from the Deep South into a big mansion. Isn't that called "The Anna Nicole Smith Show"?
- 9.18.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that Keanu Reeves will play Superman in a new movie. In the Keanu Reeves version, villains don't use kryptonite to stop Superman, they just use big words.
- 9.18.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.
- 9.19.02
Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning. She showed people how to make bail.
- 10.07.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, Liza Minelli and her husband, David Gest, told reporters that their upcoming reality show will be nothing like, "The Osbourne's." Apparently, the main difference is that people watch "The Osbourne's."
- 10.07.02
Earlier this week, Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial was postponed. Apparently, she couldn't find anything to wear that wasn't evidence.
- 10.09.02
Actress Gwenneth Paltrow said in a recent interview that when it comes to dating, she avoids men with really nice shoes because they tend to be gay or married. That is, unless the shoes are really big.
- 10.10.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
80's rock star Adam Ant has pled guilty to hitting a man during a bar fight. If Adam Ant really did attack the man, it would be his first hit since 1986.
- 10.10.02
Over the weekend, authorities found a bomb in a movie theater here in Los Angeles. Fortunately, it turned out to be Madonna's new movie, "Swept Away."
- 10.16.02
Arnold Schwarzenegger is hiring consultants to predict his chances of being elected governor of California as a write-in candidate. Voters in this state can't even punch the hole in the right place; good luck spelling Arnold Schwarzenegger on the ballot.
- 10.16.02
How many people have seen Madonna's new movie, "Swept Away"; it stars Madonna and Adriano Giannini. Its an unlikely romance between two opposites, he's an actor….
- 10.18.02
The "Globe" is reporting that action star Vin Diesel has a crush on Anna Nicole-Smith, which makes sense. A guy named Diesel, attracted to a woman as big as a truck….
- 10.18.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The new Madonna film, "Swept Away," made only $375,000 during its opening weekend. Producers blamed the low box office on strong word of mouth.
- 10.22.02
Porn star Jenna Jameson has received a six-figure advance to write a book called, "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star." Why would you buy this book? How many guys would rather rent the video?
- 10.29.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, Martha Stewart launched a new line of furniture. Not surprisingly, Martha's new furniture consists of bunk bed and small metal toilets.
- 10.29.02
A security guard testified that Winona Ryder told him she was shoplifting because she was doing research for a role in a movie. I believe the movie is called, "The Winona Ryder Story."
- 10.30.02
What's Winona Ryder's favorite NFL football team? The Steelers.
- 11.01.02
Scientists say they have isolated the gene that causes obesity. They found it sitting on a couch, eating a bag of Cheetos, watching the "Anna Nicole Smith Show."
- 11.05.02
Winona Ryder's lawyers are now claiming that guards now lifted her top to search her, and she wasn't wearing a bra, which is ironic. She's probably the only actress in Hollywood where the breasts are her's, but her clothes aren't.
- 11.05.02
Congratulations to Tim Allen, "Santa Clause 2," the number one movie in the country, knocked "Jackass" from the top spot. So apparently, people would rather see a fat ass than a jackass.
- 11.07.02
(more on the movie….)
In the movie, the elves tell Santa Claus he has to find a wife and get married, but Santa doesn't want to. Do you blame him? He's single and he has a list of all the girls that have been naughty.
- 11.07.02
Guilty verdict this week in the trial of Winona Ryder. You can see why Winona is an Oscar-nominated actress. She said even though she was found guilty on two counts, she said it was still an honor just to be arrested.
- 11.09.02
Critics are raving about Eminem's performance in "8 Mile." They say this is the best acting since Winona said, "Not guilty."
- 11.12.02
The "L.A. Times" interviewed a whole bunch of psychologists about why Winona Would do what she did and the psychologists said stealing from Sak's is a mental disorder. I disagree-stealing from K-Mart, that's a mental disorder.
- 11.12.02
For most people, Veteran's Day is the day we recognize this country truly is the home of the brave. Except, of course, Winona Ryder, who thinks of it as the land of the free.
- 11.13.02
Bobby Brown said that he will plead not guilty to charges of possession of marijuana. He says he will swear on the Bible that he hasn't had a hit in 15 years….
- 11.14.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Jennifer Lopez has announced that she and Ben Affleck are engaged to be married. Lopez said she wants to have a short engagement followed by an even shorter marriage.
- 11.14.02
It was Tonya Harding and Sammy Sosa birthday last week. You know the main difference between Sammy Sosa and Tonya Harding? Sammy doesn't use an aluminum bat.
- 11.19.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
People who saw the Eminem film, "8 Mile," were surprised to see former rap star Vanilla Ice make a brief appearance. When asked about it, Vanilla Ice said that as a movie usher, he can walk into any movie theater he wants.
- 11.19.02
Jennifer Lopez is getting married again. This woman is amazing: she's got movies coming out, she's got a hit CD, she's got a TV deal, she's doing concerts, she's got her own restaurant, she has her own perfume line; yet she still finds time to get married, two, three times a year.
- 11.22.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In last week's "New Yorker," a political expert predicts that a war with Iraq would only last 2 or 3 months. Actually, the estimate was 2 to 3 months or the length of a Jennifer Lopez marriage.
- 11.22.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
After being given the humanitarian award in Germany, Michael Jackson made a speech stressing the common bond between Christians, Jews, Hindus, and Muslims. Then, to prove his point, Michael Jackson dangled a baby from each religion out the window.
- 11.25.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. In fact, it's the one day in the year that even Winona Ryder buys something.
- 12.02.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new survey found that most Americans actually enjoy eating Thanksgiving leftovers. When she heard about this, Anna Nicole-Smith asked, "What's a leftover?"
- 12.02.02
Winona Ryder's attorney called Ms. Ryder the classiest woman he has ever met. He's a lawyer - he spends all his time around criminals; is that really a compliment?
- 12.16.02
Winona Ryder was sentenced to three years probation and community service. As part of her probation, she was ordered to stay away from any places where people are known to use drugs or where people who use drugs congregate. That means no more Grammy's, no more MTV Awards….
- 12.16.02
Part of Winona Ryder's community service is helping the blind. She's trying to get them jobs as security guards at Sak's….
- 12.16.02
Last week in court, Nick Nolte pleaded no contest to drug charges. No contest - why sure, compared to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, there is no contest.
- 12.20.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A group of over 100 celebrities have signed a letter to protest the war against Iraq. The list of celebrities include Kim Bassinger, Martin Sheen, and Saddam Hussein.
- 12.20.02
Number 1 movie over the weekend, "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." They have these hobbits, and trolls, and ogres, and elves; it looked like Liza Minelli's wedding….
- 12.24.02
Jennifer Lopez's new album came out recently. She's had three albums out this year. Well, the first two were wedding albums….
- 12.27.02
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported that 68 year-old actress Sophia Loren has been asked to pose nude for "Playboy." Not surprisingly, she was asked by "Penthouse."
- 12.27.02
The "National Enquirer" now reporting that Jennifer Lopez is on a starvation diet to lose some weight before she gets married to Ben Affleck. She says she's put on a few pounds the last couple of years; ironically, from eating wedding cake.
- 01.03.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Nicole-Smith said her New Year's resolution is to lose weight. That's my resolution, too, I also want Anna Nicole-Smith to lose some weight.
- 01.03.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The other night, Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon renewed their wedding vows in a private ceremony and the Village People played at their wedding reception. The lead singer of the Village People said it was nice for once to be the normal people at a party.
- 01.06.03
Over the weekend, US customs service agents seized 133 pounds of cocaine valued at $6 million from a Panamanian oil tanker in the port of Corpus Christi. They think the tanker filled with cocaine was on its way to Houston, Whitney Houston.
- 1.22.03
Julianne Moore has two movies out, "The Hours," and "Far From Heaven," and in "Far From Heaven," she finds out her husband is gay. Far from heaven? Sounds more like close to Hollywood.
- 1.27.03
Sylvester Stallone has signed on for another Rocky movie, "Rocky 6." In this one, he's fighting glaucoma.
- 2.19.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a new interview, Michael Jackson claims he sees the face of God in children. Not surprisingly, God usually screams and runs the other way.
- 2.19.03
February is Black History month. That's why we've seen so much of Michael Jackson lately. At one point in history, he was black.
- 2.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Basketball legend Michael Jordan has turned 40 years old. You can tell Jordan is getting older because the new Air Jordan's are slippers.
- 2.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
There's a rumor in the music industry that the Spice Girls are thinking about getting back together. As a result, the orange alert has been raised to red.
- 2.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Madonna's husband, Guy Richtie, said they haven't watched TV for three years because they didn't want to hear anything negative about themselves. After hearing this, Michael Bolton said he hasn't had electricity since 1971.
- 2.28.03
Over 250 naked men participated in an anti-war demonstration in Australia. They said it was the largest gathering of nude men not in a Christina Aguilera video.
- 3.04.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck says he's changed: he no longer goes out every night and gets drunk. In another interview, Jennifer Lopez said she's changed, and she no longer goes out every night and gets married….
- 3.04.03
As of the week, three different men have testified in the Robert Blake trial saying that Blake tried to hire them to kill his wife. One said Blake asked him to pop his wife, the other said Blake asked him to whack his wife, and the third said Blake asked him to snuff his wife. Pop, whack, and snuff - sounds like some evil Rice Krispies cereal.
- 3.06.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that John Travolta is considering starring in a sequel to "Battlefield Earth." Or, to save time, Travolta said he might just set fire to $40 million….
- 3.06.03
Britney Spears recently hosted a nipple piercing party and they say these parties are all the rage now. Really? How popular can they become? You can only go to them twice…
- 3.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
On last week's finale of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, Chris Judd, was declared the winner. Coincidentally, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here," is also the last thing Lopez said to Judd.
- 3.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Intelligence reports from Pakistan say that Osama Bin Laden is constantly on the move and is always surrounded by an entourage of ten people. As a result, Bin Laden keeps getting mistaken for Jennifer Lopez.
- 3.14.03
According to a "Vanity Fair" article, Michael Jackson is almost bankrupt. Isn't that amazing? He's gone from a rich black kid to a poor white man….
- 3.25.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that John Travolta is considering starring in a sequel to "Battlefield Earth." Or, to save time, Travolta said he might just set fire to $40 million….
- 3.25.03
In the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" magazine, Lisa Marie Presley says that when she first maried Michael Jackson, he drunk, he cursed, he told dirty jokes. So apparently, he didn't just become a white guy, he became a redneck.
- 4.10.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Celine Dion recently began a three year singing engagement at Caeser's Palace in Las Vegas. Later, a spokesman clarified, it was actually a one year engagement that would feel like three.
- 4.10.03
Anna Nicole-Smith has lost 185 pounds. Her trainer quit.
- 4.18.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The ratings for the "Anna Nicole-Smith Show," are down 40% this season. A spokesman for E! explained the drop saying war coverage beat poor coverage.
- 4.18.03
Marlon Brando involved in a lawsuit; in the lawsuit he claims he has no money. According to court papers, three reasons given for Brando's lack of money: breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- 4.24.03
Rapper Q-Tip turned 32 recently. Now that he's in his 30s, he says he prefers to be called by his more adult name, Cotton Swab.
- 4.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yesterday was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." As a result, Michael Douglas spent the day saying, "No, she's actually my wife."
- 4.25.03
Michael Jackson is house hunting in Florida. He told the realtor his number one priority - a good school district.
- 5.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The latest news from Broadway is that Elton John is writing a brand new musical about vampires. When investors in the vampire musical were asked to comment, they said they were glad it was just about bloodsucking.
- 5.12.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a radio interview this week, New York mayor Bloomberg announced he has a crush on Jennifer Lopez. After hearing about this, Jennifer Lopez said that unfortunately she has a fiancé now, but there's always next year.
- 5.22.03
A professor at the University of London claims he has come up with a formula for making hit movies. He said it breaks down to percentages: 30% action, 70% comedy, 0% Madonna.
- 5.29.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A man who used to manage Demi Moore's ranch is claiming that Demi sexually harassed him. The man isn't suing, he just wants everyone to know.
- 5.29.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to "USA Today," there is a new clothing line that names its jeans after rock stars like Bob Dylan, Stevie Nicks, and Mick Jagger. The jeans come in large, extra large, and Meatloaf.
- 5.30.03
Most people say they don't want Martha Stewart to serve time in jail. The bad news: they want the death penalty.
- 6.09.03
As you know, the government is trying to prove that Martha Stewart made false statements…like she really shops at K-Mart.
- 6.10.03
Last week, Martha [Stewart] was formally charged with making false statements. That's against the law - unless you're trying to start a war.
- 6.10.03
Martha Stewart had an open letter to "USA Today" saying she knows she'll be exonerated. So apparently, she's still getting insider information.
- 6.10.03
Congratulations to actor Harvey Fierstein; went home with two Tony's the other night. One was the award, the other was the caterer.
- 6.13.03
Martha Stewart's lawyers are now saying prosecutors in her case are finding things that just aren't there. Sounds like we need them in Iraq.
- 6.16.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that five young men in Baghdad have started a boy band modeled after N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. If this is true, it means that Iraq may finally have acquired a weapon of mass destruction.
- 6.19.03
Harry Potter is fifteen in the new book, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." He's at that awkward age - too old for Michael Jackson, too young for Demi Moore.
- 6.24.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Anna Kournikova announced that she'll be unable to play at Wimbledon because of a back injury. The weird thing is that the odds of Kournikova winning Wimbledon remain exactly the same.
- 6.24.03
P. Diddy is designing his own line of Lincoln Navigator SUVs. It will have three DVD players, six TV screens, and a much better place to hide your gun than that last one.
- 6.26.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yankee manager Joe Torre is very upset with George Steinbrenner's meddling. Last week, he told reporters, "I know what I'm doing and I have four rings to prove it." In a related story, Jennifer Lopez told Ben Affleck the same thing.
- 6.26.03
According to a recent survey, 25% of women believe that Martha Stewart does all her own housework. Martha said today she'll like to know who these women are and get them on her jury.
- 6.27.03
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Jennifer Lopez recently fired her agent and her ma
