There are only three kinds of people in this world; those who can count, and those who can't.
-Unknown.  12.12.94

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
-Unknown.  12.12.94

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organized by the Italians.
-Unknown.  12.13.94

The Department of Transportation has ordered a car owner to change his personalized license plate. As of now, it reads: 3MTA3
A little bit of visualizing will tell you why DOT ordered the change.
-Unknown.  12.14.94

Entertainment Weekly Definition:
The office party: It gives the workaholics and the alcoholics a chance to spend time together.
-12.19.94

From Peter Zovak of Temple City; Laugh Lines, Los Angeles Times:
For those interviewers and former interviewees:
At a job interview, the personnel manager tells the applicant that his firm is looking for a person who is going to work hard for less than average pay, come to work early, and stay all night if necessary.
"What do you think about that?" he asks.
"Tell you what," the job seeker responds, "If you hire me, I'll help you look."
-12.28.94

From Laughlines, Los Angeles Times (several months back...)
A man is walking down the street when he meets God (or your favorite deity). He asks God, "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God answers, "So you will love them."
Then he asks, "Why did you make them so soft?"
God answers, "So you will love them."
Then he asks, "Why did you make them so stupid?"
God answers, "So they will love you."
-1.11.95

From David Will:
Misers are no fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.
-1.13.95

A new study shows that on a daily basis men expend more energy than women. Actually, they both do the same amount of work...men just use more energy bragging about it.
-1.17.95

From Rev. Robert E. Fambrini, Laughlines, LA Times (a pretty long time ago...)
One Sunday, a pastor went to the pulpit in his church and told his congregation that he was being transferred, but not to worry.
After the Mass, he went outside and found several parishioners visibly upset, some even crying.
"I told you not to be upset," the pastor said. "The Bishop has promised a good man to take my place."
From the crowd, a young man shouted back: "That's what he promised the last time!"
-1.20.95

(from Al Lubel, a comic who appeared on The Tonight Show):
At age 30 our bodies are supposedly slowing down. I don't see that, unless what slows down first is my ability to notice things.
-2.01.95

From Jim Hayes, Laughlines, LA Times:
Parameters of friendship: "An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body."
-2.03.95

From Brad Slaight, Laughlines, LA Times:
My parents' dream was for me to have everything they didn't. Thanks to ozone holes, fear of AIDS, and no health insurance, their dream has come true.
-2.03.95

Wayne Cotter, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:
The government has this satellite 250 miles up that takes pictures so accurate, it can identify individual humans on the ground. I don't trust it. This is the same government that takes my picture 3 feet away and makes me look like a Klingon.
-2.21.95

Actual headlines from actual newspapers across the country:
1) Car repairman charged with battery.
2) Thought for the day: The best exercise -- reach down and pull someone up. Sponsored by Petersen Funeral Home.
-3.10.95

What machine at a health club would you be most likely to meet a supermodel?
The ATM machine.
-3.16.95

Backers of the reinstatement of the death penalty in New York claim that it'll make criminals think twice before shooting someone. I don't believe that. When New Yorkers think twice about shooting someone, it means they'll shoot them twice.
-3.17.95

A few days ago lawyer Alan Deschorweitz said that police are routinely trained to lie. That's the difference between lawyers and police. Police are trained to lie, but lying comes naturally to lawyers.
-3.17.95

According to a study of health clubs, men sweat more than women. Well sure. It takes a lot more effort to hold in the gut for an hour.
-3.20.95

Have you seen the commercial for those "Math-Made-Easy" tapes? Those ads really seem to take advantage of the poor math skills of buyers. One of the ads was selling the product for one installment of $29.95 or 4 easy installments of $18.95.
-3.22.95

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, anything with mayonnaise, cheese, or meat is bad for you. Does that mean the healthiest thing in your lunch box was the twinkie?
-3.24.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:
My wife asked for plastic surgery; I cut up her credit cards.
-3.28.95

A survey shows that on a weekly basis, 42% of Americans spend less than $10 on romantic gifts. You know what researchers call this group? Men.
-3.30.95

From LA Times, Laughlines:
John and Bette had been married for 10 years when she asked what he would do if she died first.
"Would you get married again?"
"Well, I am only 36, so I might," he replied.
"Would you live here in our home with her?
"I suppose so," he answered.
"What about our bed, would you use that too?"
"Sure," he replied.
"What about my new golf clubs. Would you let her use those too?"
"Oh no," John said. "She's left-handed."
-4.03.95

Katie Couric, from the Today Show:
My husband calls a wedding band the smallest handcuff in the world.
-4.06.95

There's a new telephone 800 or 900 number where you can call and test your IQ. It costs $3.95/minute. I understand the test is pretty simple: If you call at all you're an idiot, if you stay on for 3 minutes or more you're a moron.
-4.27.95

From Los Angeles Times, Laughlines:
A ship captain told his small crew of 3 that their ship was sinking, and that the lifeboat could only hold 3 men. "Perhaps you have heard the old adage that the captain always goes down with his ship. That is hogwash! I, for one, will be in that lifeboat. Those of you who answer the following questions correctly will join me."
To the first he asked: "What was history's most famous ship-sinking?"
"The Titanic, Sir," he answered. "Correct," the Captain replied.
"How many people were on board?" the Captain asked the second. "There were 2,228 passengers and crew included, Sir," he said. "That is also correct," the Captain replied.
To the third the Captain asked: "What were their names?"
-Alan Weiss, Santa Monica
-4.28.95

A new study indicates that doctors' treatment of whiplash is usually ineffective and can often make the condition worse. According to the study, you're probably better off following your lawyers advice of applying fresh doses of money on the infected area.
-5.12.95

Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
According to an article in USA Today, children from single parent homes have much better verbal skills than children from two parent homes. However, children from two parent homes are far superior at bitterly sarcastic repertoire.
-5.17.95

Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I went to Toys 'R Us and bought my son a Jurassic Park action figure called the Thesaurus. The Thesaurus, if you don't know, was a tiny creature who often used flowery language to extricate himself from potentially life threatening situations.
-5.17.95

GM announced that it no longer was going to produce the big cars: the Cadillac Fleetwood, Buick Roadmaster, Chevrolet Caprice have had all production stopped. In fact, Ford was going cancel production of the Lincoln Towncar but didn't because of religious reasons. As you know, the trunk of a Towncar is a mob burial ground.
-5.19.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Actual headlines with unattended meanings:
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
-5.26.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
-5.26.95

California has replaced Florida as the number 1 tourist destination for foreigners. Last year 5.2M foreigners visited California...and so far 3 have gone home.
-6.02.95

The Marine Corp. is studying Wal-Mart's distribution network to help improve their ability to keep supplies flowing in the field. They've also got their cooks studying 7-Eleven to figure out how to get people to eat food that have been sitting on the shelf for 3 years.
-6.06.95

Scientists say they have found water in the sun. There are apparently large areas with moisture drops on the sun. You know what this means? It's not only hot in the sun, there's also that humid heat....
-6.06.95

There's a clinic here in Los Angeles that advertises they'll cure snoring and hemorrhoids with laser surgery. They're very busy, and doctors at the clinic say they're burning the candle at both ends.
-6.07.95

More fascinating medical news: Doctors are now starting to use maggots to heal wounds. This doesn't make any sense to me. When was the last time you saw an animal on the side of the road, covered with maggots, that looked like it was getting any better?
-6.07.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
-6.09.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Wholly Holy Bloopers (bloopers from various church bulletins and orders of service):
The ladies of church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.
-6.09.95

LA County's new slogan is: Together We're the Best. Los Angeles. Here are some slogans The Tonight Show staff came up with:
LA, the Other Silicon Valley
Come Taste the Air
Follow the Sun, and Bring a Gun
-6.14.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Mangled Modifiers (the trouble with misplaced modifiers):
Plunging 1,000 feet into the gorge, we saw Yosemite Falls.
The patient was referred to a psychiatrist with a severe emotional problem.
No one was injured in the blast, which was attributed to a buildup of gas by one town official.
-6.16.95

Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Many of my friends are getting engaged and are buying diamonds for their fiancé. What better to symbolize marriage than the hardest thing known to man.
-6.19.95

Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My friends have been trying to set me up on dates. They mean well, but it's always the same thing. They would say, "We found someone perfect for you." I meet the person and I ask myself, "What do my friends think of me?"
-6.19.95

Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me; I'm disappointed that they actually think I dress like that.
-6.19.95

Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Relationships are a lot like drugs. You develop a dependency and if you're not really careful you could wind up losing your house.
-6.20.95

Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Like all men, I like to watch sports, but I'm still trying to figure out boxing. That's a big tough man's masculine sport. But, you know what the prize money is called in a heavy weight boxing match? A purse. The two biggest, baddest men in the world fighting for a purse. A purse and a belt.
-6.20.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Last week I saw my psychiatrist and told him I keep thinking I was ugly. He told me to lie in the couch, face down.
-6.21.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I'm so ugly, as a kid, I once stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
-6.21.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I get no respect at all. My dad, he told me never to take candy from strangers, unless they offered me a ride.
-6.22.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife, she's the worse cook in the world. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.
-6.22.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
In this world, it's all happy people. It's best to give. I want to help people. I mean, I want to do a show for the homeless, but I don't know where to contact them.
-6.23.95

NBC's Dateline had a story about what cities had the most helpful people. Nashville finished first, but New York finished last. That's unfair. I think the people at New York are very helpful. They're always telling you where to go, where to stick it....
-6.30.95

From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Question: What is the best way to pick up a girl in a gym?
Answer: Pull-ups. You pull-up in a Porsche, pull up in a corvette...
-7.05.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I just can't get lucky. I'm sitting on top of the world and I got hemorrhoids.
-7.05.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I saw my doctor last week and told him I broke my arm in 2 places. He told me to stay out of these places.
-7.06.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
And he didn't help me lose weight either. He told me to run 5 miles a day for two weeks. I called him and told him I was 70 miles away from my house.
-7.06.95

A woman arrives at a surgeon's home and knocks on the door; the doctor's 4 year old daughter answers.
"Is your father home?" the woman asks.
"Not right now," the little girl replies. "He's performing an appendectomy."
The woman leans down and says, "That's a mighty big word for a little girl like you. Do you know what it means?"
"Yeah," the little girl answers, "About $3,000, not counting the anesthesiologist."
- K.C. Mitchell, 7.07.95

Did you hear about National Childfree Adult Day, which honors those who have chosen not to have children? Apparently, child-free couples celebrate by going out and buying themselves really ugly ties and really cheap perfume.
- Paul Steinburg, 7.07.95

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University:
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It had no references.
3) It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
4) Some doubt he wrote it himself.
5) The scientific community can't replicate his results.
6) He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
7) When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects.
8) Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.
-7.10.95

From Laughlines, LA Times:
An elderly man is walking in the country when he sees a frog on the road. The frog tells the man, "If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman and grant your every desire." The old man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and continues walking.
"Hey," says the frog, "You didn't kiss me!"
Replies the old man: "Well, I thought it over and at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
-7.11.95

From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
-7.14.95

Student bloopers:
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in "I am loved."
A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
During the years 1933-38, there were domestic problems at home as well as abroad.
-7.14.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife left me for my best friend. Now I don't have a dog.
-7.21.95

(From a comedian's appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:)
Some schools don't give tests in grade school anymore. According to some educators, tests would put to much pressure on kids, cause them to fail, and scar them for life. All they teach in grade school now is self-esteem. 10, 15 years from now we're going to have an entire generation of young leaders who don't know anything, but feel very good about themselves.
-8.08.95

From Late Show with David Letterman:
Last Sunday was also the 50th anniversary of V-J (Victory over Japan) Day. New York had a huge celebration down in Time Square. There must have been 10,000 people right between the big Mitsubishi billboard and the Jumbo Sonytron.
-8.16.95

Police in Concord, California have arrested two men who robbed a pizza delivery guy after he delivered a pizza to their house. How lazy are people getting in this country when they won't even leave their house to commit a crime?
-8.22.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new report says that most New York cabs are really noisy and have lumpy seats. Coincidentally, the same goes for their drivers.
-8.23.95

Comedian Dennis Regan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I was watching the news and they had one of those polls where you call in and vote on an issue. You can call in "Yes," "No," or "Undecided," and "Undecided" caught 6% of the vote. This means that there are people in the this country who'll take time and spend money to call and tell us they can't make up their mind.
-8.25.95

Comedian Dennis Regan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I read that 60% of the people who were murdered in this country knew the person that murdered them. I think the message is clear: You should stay away from the people you know.
-8.25.95

Comedian Dennis Regan from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Ever watch the TV show Cops? It's actually a pretty educational show. The most important thing I learned from watching that show is the one way to avoid being arrested is to wear a shirt.
-8.28.95

Comedian Dennis Regan from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
There was a cop on last night that described what it felt like to be shot by a bullet. He said it was just like being hit in the chest by a sledgehammer. Really clears it up for me.
-8.28.95

In California, some high schools are requiring students to wear uniforms. They say uniforms create a safe, stable environment. You know, like the post office.
-9.05.95

From Laughlines, LA Times:
A Russian went to a new car dealer to order a vehicle. Accustomed to long lines and delays, he listened as the salesman told him the car would be ready on May 17, 2000 AD.
"Morning or afternoon?" the buyer asked.
Angrily, the dealer said: "Does the time matter? It's five years from now."
"Well," the man replied, "the plumber is coming."
-Sid Lindenbaum
-10.03.95

From Laughlines, LA Times:
A young woman hurried from her office to the corner drug store for lunch. After placing her order, she got out a pack of cigarettes. As she prepared to light up, an elderly woman sitting next to her watched for a moment, then said in disgust: "I would rather commit adultery than smoke a cigarette."
"So would I," said the young woman, "but I only have 45 minutes for lunch."
-Grace MacCrea
-10.03.95

An Arizona brewer has come out with a new "chili" beer. It's essentially beer flavored with chili. Now, who exactly is this for? People who feel they're not spending enough time in the restroom?
-10.06.95

Pope John Paul the II visited the United States last week and held mass at Central Park. The Vatican reported that the real reason the Pope was at Central Park was to do research. The Vatican felt that after spending just 5 minutes at Central Park the Pope would be able to see every sin known to man.
-10.10.95

A couple got married on a Continental Airlines flight last week. They had the whole service on the plane. That's kind of odd don't you think? All your life you dream about walking down the aisle, the big moment comes and your stuck behind the beverage cart.
-10.17.95

From Late Show with David Letterman:
The mayor of New York City suspects that the Fulton Fish Market, a long time New York City landmark, is now being controlled by organized crime. There may be something to that. Today I went there for lunch and I ordered lobster, and they served it tied-up, face down, in a pool of butter.

The biggest selling product in China now is a "weight-loss" soap. You actually lose pounds when washing with this soap. Let me tell you something. If you're so filthy that you drop pounds when you take a bath, maybe weight isn't your biggest problem.
-10.26.95

An airline called Western Pacific is offering round-trip tickets for $59. The only restriction is that they don't tell you what city you're going to. So basically, you become your luggage.
-10.27.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
(more on America's Atheist Leader)
Madeline Mary O'Hare, who has been missing for several weeks has been found alive. Her supporters said they never lost faith because they never had any to begin with.
-11.01.95

In Chicago this week, police intercepted a bomb that someone had disguised as a book and sent to a judge. Imagine if the bomber had done that in L.A., it might be years before that book was open.
-11.03.95

The Department of Agriculture says that two pellets of rat fecal matter is now acceptable in every 2 kilograms of breakfast cereal. Actually, do you know what the technical name for grain and fecal matter in food is? A hot dog.
-11.06.95

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
The parking situation in Los Angeles is just as bad as it is in New York. For example, it costs a quarter to park for 15 minutes. Can you believe that? What can you do in Los Angeles in 15 minutes...except maybe return a verdict of not guilty.
-11.07.95

According to a new survey, Los Angeles is the world's least friendly city. I disagree. You can commit murder here and people will forgive you.
-11.08.95

Last week a court of appeals in London, England upheld the British military ban on homosexuals in the service. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Homosexuals being told they can't serve their country by a government guy wearing a robe and a powdered wig.
-11.10.95

From Bob Milby, Laughlines, LA Times:
A young boy asked his mother to tell him her age, height, weight, and why she got divorced. She refused to answer any of the questions.
Later, a friend told the boy to look at his mother's driver's license because it had all the information on it. So the boy went back to his house and sneaked his mom's license from her purse.
Later, he told his mother: "You are 38 years old, 5 foot, 6 inches tall and weigh 118 pounds."
"Well, smarty," she asked, "why did I get a divorce?"
Her son replied: "Because you got an F in sex."
-11.17.95

When the dean of a local university was informed that students were revolting, he replied: "I don't care what they look like, they're here for an education."
-Seymour Kass, L.A.
-11.17.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife, she can't cook...at my house we pray after we eat.
-11.22.95

Doctors say that cold and flu season has arrived. You can always tell when cold and flu season is when you go to the Sizzler's and can't see the salad through the sneeze guard.
-11.29.95

Comedian Mark Schiff, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Doctors are the only people that if they don't find anything wrong they still charge you. You know what you should do? Next time look into your wallet and say you can't find anything either.
-12.05.95

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Last year at this time, a Tiffany employee was suing her bosses for abuse and humiliation. So basically, they were treating her like one of their customers.
-12.06.95

This holiday season, the two most popular gifts from men to women are exercise equipment and perfume. What exactly is that saying? "I don't like the way you look and you don't smell good either."?
-12.22.95

A natural health expert says that before a night of heavy drinking and partying, here's what you should do: Eat one banana, 2 pieces of broccoli, an orange, red Jell-O, and a chocolate bar. It doesn't keep you from getting sick, it just makes it more colorful on the way back up.
-1.05.96

Last month, my aunt passed away. She was cremated. We think that's what did it.
-- Jonathan Katz
-1.12.96

Have you seen those commercials for Depends, where they show a couple dancing and the announcer says: "Depends, it's not just for people with bladder control problems." Who else are Depends for? Is this for guys who don't want to get off the couch during the whole Superbowl weekend?
-1.25.96

Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Some people are so dumb...they think the number before 0 is blastoff.
-1.31.96

Purdue University researchers now say that eating a lot of hamburgers can prevent skin cancer. That's good...because if you eat a lot of hamburgers, you might have a lot of extra skin to protect.
-2.01.96

UCLA decided this week that it is wrong to give preferences based on race. They now say they want college admissions to be based on traditional standards such as how well you can throw a football and how much your dad gives to the alumni association.
-2.01.96

Comedian Chris Bliss, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Do you realize that of all the major religions, Christianity is the only one that has a messiah and that it is also the only one that allows the unrestricted eating of pork? As Christians, not only do we believe we have the only god, he also eats bacon.
-2.15.96

According to the oldest person in the world, a 121 year-old French woman, the secret to long life is to start every day with a little bit of olive oil. That's not new, Popeye's been doing that for years.
-2.26.96

Rogaine is finally available over-the-counter. The ads say you just rub it in and it'll grow hair. Well, how come it doesn't grow hair on your hand?
-2.28.96

Comedian Paula Bell, from her appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
The men in L.A. are so rude, especially with all the lines they come up with. For example, if a man tells you he likes to go for long walks, it means he doesn't own a car. If he says he enjoys romantic dinners at home, it means he's broke....
-2.28.96

Last night, about 9 p.m., the doorbell rings. A bunch of kids were standing there wearing their gang colors and demanding money. You know, those Girl Scouts are unbelievable.
-3.08.96

According to scientists, your brain uses your nose as a compass to help you travel in the right direction. This means the next time you drive to work and see the guy next to you picking his nose, he just might be lost.
-3.28.96

President Clinton called the Tennessee woman's basketball team to congratulate them on winning the NCAA Women's Title. It's unfair that the women don't get as much respect as the male players. In fact, did you know that woman players only receive 67% of what men receive in under the table cash from the alumni.
-4.02.96

ATMs can now charge you for each transaction you make at a machine that does not belong to your bank. Do you know what ATM stands for? A Theft Machine.
-4.08.96

According to a program on the Discovery Channel, flies have the best sight of any creature. They say that their eyes can process visual information ten times faster than humans. So, here’s my question, if their eyesight is so good, wouldn’t they go around looking for something better to eat?
-8.27.99

Seems a lawyer here in Los Angeles has been sent to jail for running a brothel out of his law office. Do you know the difference between a lawyer and pimp? Neither do I.
-9.03.99

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Back when I first started comedy, I used to do a Chinese act, "On Too Long."
-3.09.00

Witnesses that saw the Southwest crash thought at first that it was a movie. That's what I love about this town. Where else than in L.A. can a plane skid down a runway, crash through a fence, slide across a road, almost hit a gas station, and have people go, "It's so fake…."
-3.10.00

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Hotels in Vegas didn't used to be so nice. I remember when I first started. I stayed at dumpy hotels. In fact, one hotel was such a dump they stole my towel.
-3.10.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new program in New Jersey discourages teen pregnancies by giving teenagers a computerized doll that simulates a real baby crying. The teens have to figure out if the baby's crying because its hungry, has a wet diaper, or simply because it lives in New Jersey.
-4.03.00

From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
Baseball is very different over there in Japan. For example, if you're on 3rd base, before coming into home you have to take off your shoes.
-4.04.00

According to the National Oceanic & Atmospheric administration, men are struck by lightning four times more often than women. It usually happens right after they tell women, "I'll call you."
-5.01.00

Looks like Darva "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire" Conger will pose naked in Playboy magazine. She says the photos will be tastefully done. And who else knows more about taste than a woman who marries a man she just met on Fox.
-5.08.00

In what could possibly be the cheapest Mother's Day gift is something called, "Send-a-Song" phone service. You send a song over the phone to your mom. Isn't that basically putting her on hold?
-5.15.00

From Changing Times:
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages 20 years.
-5.15.00

According to Redbook magazine, one of women's biggest fears is getting fat. That's also one of men's biggest fears, too -- that their women are going to get fat.
-5.16.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Police in Massachusetts are pulling motorists over to praise them when they notice courteous driving. Town officials say they're doing this because nothing says "thank you" like having your time wasted by a cop.
-5.16.00

The CBS miniseries, "Jesus," did great -- people really tuned in for it. At the end of the miniseries, CBS said if you want to learn more about Jesus, log on their web site. What about looking at the "Bible"?
-5.22.00

Last Thursday was the 20th anniversary of the Mount St. Helen's eruption, the biggest, most violent explosion in history not involving Bobby Knight.
-5.23.00

According to a recent study, the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day; the average man only speaks 2,000 words a day. And with guys, it's usually the same words over and over again: "I'm sorry. What did you say, honey?"
- 7.11.00

The average woman burns more calories walking around a shopping mall than she does walking around a track. That makes sense. At a shopping mall the women are dragging their husbands....
- 7.12.00

Toys 'R Us announced plans to open the worlds' largest toy store, a 101,000 square feet store. They say the store will include a life-size dollhouse. If it's a life-size dollhouse, doesn't that mean it's a regular house house?
- 8.07.00

A new medical study says drinking moderate amounts of alcohol can help a person think. In fact, they said drinking large amounts can help you think. You start thinking, "Where's my car?" "Who's this women?" "Why's my head in the toilet?"
- 8.07.00

Comedian Willie Barcena from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I just got back from Reno, where I was doing a little gambling. I hate it when I'm losing because I start talking to God - and I know it's wrong because I'm gambling. That's like getting on the phone and calling for a hooker and saying, "Lord, don't let her be ugly."
- 8.08.00

According to a recent study, the most popular fitness sport among Americans is bowling. Is this really a "fitness" sport? Any sport where you can drink beer and eat pizza while you're doing the sport is not a sport.
- 8.15.00

Comedian Jon Stewart from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Jews and Blacks apparently don't get along, which seems crazy to me. We come from the same history - years and years of persecution; we just express our sufferings differently as people. Blacks developed Blues. Jews complain, we just never thought to bring it to music.
- 8.30.00

From George Washington Carver:
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
- 9.01.00

Victoria's Secret said in the paper that 40% of the underwear they sell are thongs. In fact, that's why the models have that pouty look on their face, they're getting wedgies all the time....
- 10.11.00

Anybody watch that new fugitive show on CBS? In the beginning of the show, Dr. Richard Kimble saves the life of a young woman by draining blood out of her lungs and then after treating her for about 3 minutes, he leaves her there so she can receive help from somewhere else. So, apparently Dr. Kimble is also an HMO doctor.
- 10.17.00

Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. Do you think women watching the commercial go, "Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do all of that?"
- 11.10.00

Rulon Gardner, the kid that beat the Russian against all odds, turned down a $1M offer to wrestle professionally for the WWF. Apparently, Gardner has a condition that prohibits him from wrestling professionally. I think it's called self respect.
- 11.16.00

People are asking why it's taking so long to decide a President. Do the math. You've got politicians who have hired lawyers who get paid by the hour to investigate government appointees who are talking to retired people living in Florida.
- 11.17.00

The movie "Family Man" opened a last weekend. The movie is about a guy who has it all. He's got money, nice cars, he's got this fabulous bachelor pad, he's got women. Then he wakes up one day to find out he has a whole family of kids he never knew he had. "Family Man"? Sounds more like NBA Man.
- 12.29.00

I think women get more excited about New Year's Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don't keep. You see, men do that all the time, it's called dating....
- 1.02.01

I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises, instead it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those - it's called a window.
- 2.14.01

The big thing this year, instead of sending roses and chocolates, is to use your computer to send your girl a Valentine e-mail. Let me tell you something: if for Valentine's you sent your girlfriend a computer e-mail, you better be prepared for a month of computer sex.
- 2.16.01

The movie "Sweet November" opened last week. It's about this dying woman who invites a different man to live with her every month. A different guy every 30 days. Gee, I can't imagine why she isn't healthy....
- 2.21.01

President Grover Cleveland could write in Latin one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- 3.09.01

Here's something I saw on the Discovery channel. Scientists say plans can warn each other of impending danger. What good is a plant warning other plants about danger? Can they do anything?
- 3.23.01

54% of women said they would rather have a perfect body than genius IQ. With a genius IQ, you could do whatever you want, but with a perfect body, you could get somebody else to do whatever you want....
- 3.29.01

According to a study by the University of Nebraska, elderly people who drink beer or wine four times a week have the highest bone density. Well, they need it - they're falling down the most.
- 3.29.01

According to a new study, autistic children have longer ring fingers. Doctors say if a child's ring finger is his longest finger, he has a greater chance of being autistic. But, if his middle finger is his longest finger, he has a greater chance of becoming a cab driver.
- 4.11.01

From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Last week on Fox, Jared Fogle, the guy who lost 245 pounds eating nothing but "Subway" sandwiches, said when he was overweight, he had no social life and he didn't date much. Well, duh. What girl wants to eat every meal at Subway?
- 4.12.01

Have you seen these ads on TV for this new headache remedy from Excedrin called, "Tension Headache Cooling Pads." These are pads you put across your forehead to cool you off. You can understand the need for this product; it's not like every American has access to a wet rag....
- 4.13.01

A new reality show called "Chains of Love," aired on TV last week. One guy is chained to 4 women, and producers say it's just like "Survivor" because everyday someone gets thrown off the chain. If they want it to be like "Survivor," have the guy chained to 4 women with PMS.
- 4.23.01

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men: they're a bunch of liars.
- 4.26.01

In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don't translate to French either: military victory, deodorant....
- 5.04.01

Scientists say they have developed a pill that will restore the memory loss you get from drinking alcohol. Of course, if you're married, you won't need this pill because your wife will remind you of every stupid thing you've ever did.
- 5.07.01

Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
- 5.09.01

Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.
- 6.04.01

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
- Oscar Wilde
- 6.13.01

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.
- Longfellow
- 6.13.01

Too many of us speak twice before we think.
- 6.13.01

God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. 
- James M. Barrie
- 6.13.01

What the Caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly. 
- Richard Bach, [Illusions] 
- 6.13.01

The Senate passed a bill last week that they say will overhaul our nation's school system. Under the new system, students will not automatically be passed on to the next grade -- unless they're athletes.
- 6.22.01

Hilton Hotels has a new promotion now where they let guests keep the pillow. They figure if you stuff a pillow in your suitcase, you won't have room for towels, bathrobes....
- 6.27.01

A new survey of women in their 20s say that the number 1 quality a woman wants in a husband: the ability for him to share his innermost feelings. When these same women are asked the question in their 40s, they'll settle for a guy who doesn't make disgusting noises when he eats.
- 7.13.01

Comedian Arj Barker from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
The other day I saw this T-shirt that said, "I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is." Some people laugh at that, but I didn't think it was funny at all, so I told my girlfriend to take it off.
- 7.16.01

Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My daughter is dating a punk rocker. He has purple hair and no eyebrows. Then he said to me he's thinking about putting a safety pin through his nose. Then I said to him, "I'm thinking about putting a footprint in your ass."
- 7.16.01

Some people are asking why did Beijing, China get the 2008 Olympics. The word is China got the Olympics under the theory that giving a country the international spotlight will help them correct their human rights violations. It worked so well for Hitler in 1936....
- 7.19.01

In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the "Star-Spangled Banner," but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to "Oh, Canada," which is really pathetic considering the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh, Canada."
- 8.08.01

A new study says overweight people suffer heart attacks at a younger age than people of normal weight. I believe this study was conducted by the Center for the Incredibly Obvious.
- 9.04.01

From Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi:
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. 
- 9.12.01

From Charles Dickens:
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden on it to anyone else.
- 9.12.01

Anonymous:
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- 9.12.01

From Edwin Markham:
All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.
- 9.13.01

From Margaret Mead:
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
- 9.13.01

From Edmund Burke:
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
- 9.13.01

Shark experts say you should avoid swimming alone. They say it's always best to swim with a group of people - or as sharks call that, a buffet.
- 9.19.01

Comedian Arj Barker from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I don't have a serious girlfriend and my friends give me a lot of pressure to settle down. But I'm not worried about settling down. Why should I be? I'm 29, I'm in show business, and if things go well, my wife hasn't been born yet.
- 9.24.01

Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I'm going out with a homeless woman now. That's great - after a date you can drop her off anywhere.
- 9.24.01

A pharmaceutical company announced they have created a migraine headache machine, which they say doctors can use to feel what it's like to have a migraine. Don't we have that already? It's called a karaoke machine.
- 10.30.01

We're going after caves Bin Laden is known to hide in. is this a good idea? If you bomb the she and miss, aren't you just creating a new cave?
- 11.05.01

Apparently, the Red Cross has only given about 25% of the $564 million it raised for the September 11 attack. The Red Cross says there's a perfectly good reason for this, and as soon as they find out what it is, they'll tell us.
- 11.19.01

Now that the Taliban have fled, for the first time in 6 years men in Afghanistan are shaving. They're like the women of France….
- 11.21.01

The U.S. commander announced that the Marines have established a base in Afghanistan and the commander said, "The New York Ballet could not have orchestrated an intricate movement more flawlessly." Is this the best compliment to give a group of hardened Marines?
- 11.30.01

The new airline security bill calls for security employees to be federalized union workers. Not only will they be incompetent, they'll also be able to go on strike,too.
- 11.28.01

A tobacco company is now coming out with tobacco breath mints. Breath mints made from tobacco. How bad is your breath when tobacco is an improvement?
- 12.06.01

There's now a new drug they say is supposed to cure shyness. Didn't that used to be called alcohol?
- 12.11.01

Have you seen these magazine ads for the new Canadian Mist Whiskey Holiday Bottle? They say the bottle is easier to hold on to. Of course, the only thing you won't be able to hold on to is your job, your marriage, your license, your family….
- 12.17.01

The Pentagon said this week that they are reviewing their don't ask, don't tell policy. How do you investigate a policy when you can't ask anything and nobody can tell you anything?
- 12.21.01

You ever notice how some stores are located next to other stores that really shouldn't be located next to that store? Like at the Burbank mall here, the Haagan-Daz and Victoria's Secret are located next to each other….
- 12.27.01

Have you heard of this website called Giftcertificates.com? they say if you don't know what to give someone, give them a gift certificate to their favorite store. And, if you don't know what their favorite store is, you can give them something called a "super certificate" that is redeemable at any store. Isn't that called money?
- 12.28.01

Why do they pass out noisemakers on New Year's Eve? You've been drinking all day - do you need help making noise?
- 1.02.02

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse - you get drunk, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep, the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date….
- 1.02.02

The Department of Transportation announced last week that it is going to ease the requirements for hiring airport security. Airport security guards will no longer have to have a high school diploma. Does this make sense? Even terrorists make their people go to terrorist school.
- 1.07.02

K-Mart wants to make it clear: they will still honor all K-Mart gift certificates. That's when you know someone really doesn't like you. Not only do they make you shop for your own gift, they make you do it at K-Mart.
- 1.24.02

Looks like the "X-Files" going off the air. If you've never seen the program, it's about 2 federal agents who spent 9 years looking for aliens but never actually caught one. Just goes to show you how hard it is to fire someone from a government job.
- 2.01.02

"Lord of the Rings" continues to do pretty good at the box office. If you haven't seen it yet, it's about a little gold ring that a young man has in his pocket as he travels around the world - kind of like married guys on a business trip.
- 2.04.02

According to a new study, it is not a good idea to give a woman with PMS chocolate because it can make the condition worse. On the other hand, it's an even worse idea to take chocolate away from a woman with PMS…
- 2.08.02

According to a recent survey, 13% of women say they've said, "I love you," to a man just to get that man to have sex with her. The other 87% said "I love you," to a man just to get rid of the guy.
- 2.14.02

The average female figure skater weighs 90 pounds, or as supermodels call them, big fat cows.
- 2.22.02

According to the American Department of Agriculture, Americans are eating four times as much Mexican food as it did 20 years ago. Well, of course, we have four times as many Mexicans.
- 2.22.02

Two doctors in Britain have developed a line of sterile maggots for cleaning and disinfecting wounds. So apparently Britain has HMOs, too.
- 3.11.02

According to the latest statistics, a half a billion people currently using the Internet. But since most of them have AOL, only 20 or 30 of them actually get online….
- 3.14.02

From Dorothy Nevill:
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
- 3.25.02

From Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931):
My loneliness was born when men praised my talkative faults and blamed my silent virtues.
- 3.25.02

This weekend the Los Angeles Times hosted the annual "L.A. Festival of Books." Books in L.A.? When did that happen?
- 4.30.02

According to a new study at Duke University, depressed women live longer. Well, that should cheer them up - not only is your life miserable, it's going to go on for a long time.
- 5.15.02

Have you seen the ads for this new show called "Crime & Punishment"? they call it a real life "Law & Order," with real crimes committed by real people. Didn't that used to be called the news?
- 6.18.02

According to a new study, 50% of Americans are not getting enough exercise. We hear this all the time. You want Americans to exercise more, make the remote heavier….
- 6.25.02

According to a recent survey of job applicants, 44% said they had some lies on their resume. The other 56% had all lies.
- 7.09.02

According to a new "USA Today" poll, 79% of Major League Baseball players are in favor of testing for steroids. You know what you call the other 21% of the players? The All-Stars.
- 7.11.02

More and more talk on the use of steroids in baseball. You know one of the side effects of taking steroids? Shrinkage of the male reproductive organ. That's why baseball players are always grabbing themselves - just checking to make sure it's still there.
- 7.15.02

Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none.
- 7.24.02

Garbage trucks in Taiwan will soon be broadcasting English lessons from their loud speakers to help their citizens learn how to speak English. They said if it works, they might try it in Southern California.
- 7.24.02

According to a new survey, Germans are the best-behaved tourists in the world. It's only when they march into your country and want to stay forever, that's when it gets testy….
- 7.25.02

Pringles announced they are coming out with a new wide mouth can for their potato chips. They say Americans have been complaining that their hands are too fat to get them into the normal size can. Pringles new slogan is "From Our Wide Can to Your's."
- 8.01.02

Australian researchers say they have developed a powder made from a byproduct of cheese that heals wounds in lab rats at twice the normal rate. How frustrating is that? You get your head stuck in a trap and the only thing that can save you is just out of reach.
- 8.05.02

This one is in the refrigerator. The door's closed, the lights are out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard, and the Jell-O is jiggling.
- Chick Hearn, 1916-2002
- 8.06.02

According to a new study by the University of Georgia, people looking for love should be careful to avoid narcissists. They said these are people that talk endlessly about their social status and success, they're rude to people who they believe to be below them (like waiters and waitresses), they love to draw attention to themselves, and they proudly display their material possessions. So, in other words, if you're dating, stay out of L.A.
- 8.07.02

The "Wall Street Journal" reporting that women are paying up to $8,000 for nipple-enhancement surgery. The idea is to make themselves more attractive by having their nipples stick out under their clothes. Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to turn on the air conditioning?
- 8.12.02

Comedian Joston McKinney from his appearance on From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
You know what gets me? When a sick person commits a heinous crime and they try to get off all together, not even go to jail, by pleading insanity. The defense attorney gets up there, "Your Honor, my client doesn't belong in jail, he didn't know what he was doing. He's insane, he doesn't know the difference." Doesn't know the difference? Well, put him in jail and tell him it's the Sheraton.
- 8.27.02

From Saint Augustine (354-430):
People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. 
- 8.28.02

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW starring Johnny Carson:
I've got a dumb dog. Took me two years, I taught him how to sit, he forgot how to stand.
- 9.04.02

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- 9.11.02

Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called, "Ultra," which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker - aren't those called women?
- 10.15.02

According to a new study, children that snore get lower grades; especially if they're snoring in class.
- 10.24.02

According to a new survey, people who eat lobster are less likely to get depressed. Of course they're less likely to get depressed - they're eating lobster.
- 10.31.02

A new study released says the drug ecstasy can damage key areas of the brain. Here's my question: which part of the brain is not a "key area"?
- 10.31.02

I see an ad for the Chevy Avalanche, which is a fine vehicle, but is that the best name for a car? The Avalanche? Anything good ever happen to anybody in an Avalanche?
- 11.11.02

Two out of every five men said they would rather choose love over money and health. That's what every woman is looking for, a broke, sick guy to fall in love with.
- 12.24.02

A smile is a whisper of a laugh.
- Anonymous.
- 01.02.03

From George Bernard Shaw:
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 
- 01.02.03

According to a new study at Lehigh University in Pennsylvania, moms are better at baby talk than dads. Do you know what dad considers baby talk? "Here, you take her."
- 3.27.03

According to "Maxim" magazine, by the age of 85, the average New Yorker would have walked 100,000 miles. The average African-American New Yorker would have walked 500 miles because they can't get a cab.
- 5.02.03

The University of California, Berkeley, is not going to allow students from China or any other Asian country effected by the SARS virus to enroll for the summer session. This is wrong - if we start banning Asian students from our schools, who's the American students going to cheat off?
- 5.13.03

When a man becomes a woman, do you know what the most painful part is? The pay cut.
- 5.13.03

According to a Norwegian study, good looking criminals are more likely to get off with lighter sentences. Or as they call criminals like that in L.A., celebrities.
- 5.16.03

They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?
- 6.02.03

We're still looking for weapons of mass destruction. You know when I knew we weren't going to find the weapons of mass destruction? Remember after the war ended, a few days went by and we found all that pornography? If you find a guy's porn, that's it, there are no more hiding places.
- 6.19.03

According to the FBI, crime rates have dropped last year, though there were increases in murder, rape, and burglary. What else is there?
- 7.15.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
New York City says that the Mets owe them $4.5 million for the use of their baseball stadium. The Mets claim they don't owe the city anything because they haven't played baseball in three years.
- 7.16.03
A French designer announced he is introducing a line of cosmetics for men. Ladies, let me tell you something: if you come home and find your guy wearing cosmetics-for-men, he's wearing cosmetics for men.
- 7.18.03

Social scientists say San Francisco's population is decreasing faster than any other city in the nation. The people of San Francisco are not reproducing. I wonder why…?
- 7.23.03

The FX channel has come out with a new drama called Nip/Tuck. They say it's the first TV show about plastic surgery. Really? What was "Baywatch"?
- 7.24.03

Experts say when it's really a scorcher like this, the extreme heat is toughest on the very old and the very young. Which is basically every second marriage in Hollywood.
- 8.28.03

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet (1807-1882)
- 9.11.03

A bar in New York City is selling a martini for $63. The general manager said it's a way to reward yourself after a hard day's work. If you weren't spending $63 a drink, maybe you wouldn't have to work so hard.
- 10.28.03

According to the "Wall Street Journal," the trend in bars today are drinks with bits of food in them - like cocktails with blue cheese, cucumbers, a piece of ham. Alcohol with food in it. Didn't that used to be called vomit?
- 10.28.03

Why do they call miniature versions of candy bars fun size? I don't know who's idea it was to call something that's smaller, "fun size," but I'm sure it wasn't a woman.
- 11.04.03

An electronics company has just come up with a computer display that can be folded, rolled up, put in your pocket, and it can display black and white images. Didn’t that used to be called paper?
- 02.09.04

Welcome to Vegas, the only city in the world where Chinese take-out means an Asian escort service.
- 05.18.04

I saw a great heavyweight fight the other night: two women at a buffet line punching it out over a glazed ham.
- 05.18.04

A bakery in Portland, Oregon is now selling donuts filled with caffeine. Who is this for? People who want to stay awake during their bypass operation?
- 06.16.04

A comedian from his recent appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I'm all for women who decide to get plastic surgery. Plastic surgery allows you the opportunity to let your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance. Fake.
- 07.01.04

A comedian from his recent appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
You know what I love about the Internet? We now have rappers who used to be gangsters and thugs telling us not to download music because that would be stealing.
- 07.02.04

The women of Falluja, are they called Fallusies?
- 11.18.04

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday. This is the time when women show off their breasts for cheap beads. That’s Mardi Gras; do it now, don’t wait till next Monday, that’s Valentine’s Day. That’s when you need expensive jewelry for the same thing.
- 02.09.05

How come people want to take God out of Easter, but nobody wants to take Satan out of Halloween?
- 04.14.06

According to the newspaper, half of all Americans say they’ve had sex on the job. No wonder so many people are sneaking into this country looking for work.
- 07.19.06

Lifetime has a new reality show where single women have to guess if a man is gay, straight, or married. Actually, it’s a pretty simple test: if he listens, he’s gay; if he pretends to listen, he’s straight; and if he doesn’t listen at all, he’s married.
- 01.11.07