Back to Top
From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO, Timely
Christmas Songs (December 23, 2001):
"It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like We've Won" (to the tune of "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas"):
It's beginning to look a lot like we've won
in Afghanistan
We're dropping the bombs in waves
onto Osama's caves
In hopes of ridding them of Taliban
It's beginning to look a lot like they've lost
Al-Qaida is no more
But the prettiest site you'll see
is Osama hung from a tree
Near his cave's front door
-------------------------
"You Better Be White" (to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"):
You better be white
We'll even take a tan
No brothers allowed
We act like the Klan
Cracker Barrel's at it again
-------------------------
Come they told me
par rum pum pum pum
The King of Pop to see,
par rum pum pum pum
He asked if he could touch my
rum pum pum pum
Back to Top
From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO, Clone Joke Lightning
Round (December 9, 2001):
What do you get when you cross Britney Spears with a sheep. Virgin wool.
What is a clone child's biggest fear. I'm turning into my parents.
Why would you clone Osama Bin Laden. So you can kill him twice.
Why did Kevin Eubanks have himself cloned. So he could have someone to hold after sex.
Why did Shaquille O'Neal have himself cloned. So when he misses a free throw he'll get the rebound.
What did Jesse Jackson say when he came out against cloning? What fun is cloning without the moaning.
What do you call a Backstreet Boys clone. N'Sync.
How can you tell a Michael Jackson clone is real. 'Cause the clone doesn't look anything like him.
Why do the Detroit Lions want a clone? So they would have somebody they could beat.
What does a clone call a turkey baster, a microscope, and tweezers? A family reunion.
Why is it easy for scientists to clone Hillary Clinton? The eggs are already frozen.
Back to Top
Advertising
Slogans for the Afghanistan Tourism Industry (November 5, 2001):
Afghanistan: Where every store is a Target store.
Afghanistan: Where the past comes alive. In fact, we're living in it.
Afghanistan: Tell 'em Satan sent you.
Afghanistan: Wrap up the wife and come on down.
Afghanistan: We'll put another infidel on the barbie for ya.
Afghanistan: Live free or die. OK, just die.
Afghanistan: Come with 2 hands, leave with 1.
Afghanistan: Live Nude Mules
Come golf in Afghanistan, we have 18 new holes every hour.
Back to Top
Renamed Afghanistan, from THE
TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO (October 12, 2001)
Possible names the government is mulling over for Afghanistan when we're finished fighting over there:
Halfghanistan
Pothole-istan
Jenniferanistan
Assbackwardstan
Green-Eggs-N-Ham-istan
Bye-bye-Talibanstan
Paki-Your-Bags-and-Leave-istan
Ass-Kicked-istan
Back to Top
Rodney Dangerfield, from THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY
LENO (last updated 12.01.01):
The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.
Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
My wife -- we have no sex life. Her favorite position is back-to-back.
When I got divorced, that was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. Abe Lincoln said all men are created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
Weight, it's always been a problem. When I'm hungry, I don't think right. The other day, I woke up, had a craving for nuts. So, I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.
If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
I'm getting old. At my age, with sex I like a threesome - in case one of us dies.
Why am I talking about sex for? I got no sex life; I'm old. I tried a Viagra pill -- my tongue got hard.
I got a dog, a cocker spaniel. He swallowed a Viagra pill -- now he's a pointer.
My wedding day, that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on, she gave me the wrong finger.
When we got married, I told my wife I like sex twice a day -- she said, "Me, too." Now we never see each other.
I found out my wife is faking orgasms -- four of my friends told me.
Last week my wife told me we were going to have Olympic sex. You know, once every 4 years.
With my wife, I gave up. The other night, I told her, "You win, you're the boss. When it comes to sex, it'll be in your hands." She said, "You're wrong, it'll be in your hands."
My wife, she can't cook at all. At my home, the roaches go out to eat.
Back to Top
Steve Martin's Jokes from the 73rd
Annual Academy Awards, March 25, 2001:
The astronauts are watching the Show [the Academy Awards]
from over 200 miles up, and right now there are 800 million
people watching us right now, and everyone is thinking the exact
same thought: that we're all gay.
Show business is a tolerant business; it's the most tolerant
in the world. You have black people, white people, Asians,
Hispanics, Jews, Christians, all working together, all because
of a single, common love: Publicity.
Ellen Bernstein did something that not many actresses would
do for a role in a movie. She made herself look 30 pounds
heavier and 20 years older. And Russell Crowe still hit on
her.
I love welcoming the young stars [referring to Kate Hudson]
to show business because it reminds me of my own death.
Don't you find it strange when you first become famous?
And it's so strange when you first start to get
recognized. Like, in the supermarket: "Are you
Steve Martin?" Or at the airport, "Are you Steve
Martin?" Or making love, "Are you Steve
Martin?"
Julia [Roberts], I miss our phone calls. But it seems
like ever since you got Caller ID you're never home.
If Tom [Hanks] wins tonight, that means between Tom and
myself, we'll have 3 Best Actor awards.
Tom [Hanks] and Rita have one of the most endearing marriages
in show business. And it's not easy to keep a marriage
together in Hollywood because, well, we sleep with so many
people.
Ang Lee, the director of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon." At first, I didn't realize that was a
movie. Because to me, crouching tiger, hidden dragon
sounds like something Siegfried and Roy do on vacation.
Ticket prices went to $10 in New York. And I understand
why -- Julia [Roberts]....
Maybe critics are right, maybe Hollywood movies are too
violent. I took a 9 year-old kid to see
"Gladiator," and he cried through the entire
film. Now, maybe it was because he didn't know who I
was....
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful
woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal
is out of town.
And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film
"Gladiator," and a man I like to call a close,
personal friend, but he told me not to....
Our next presenter is a very talented star. You loved
him in "There's Something About Mary," you loved him
in "Meet the Parents," and you were fine with him in
"Mystery Men."
There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length
of your film, it's how you use it.
- Ben Stiller
I saw the movie, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or
dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching
and hidden.
I wrote a novel this year called, "Shop Girl," and
several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a
movie. And I said, "If you think you're going to take
this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change
the ending, that's going to cost you."
I'm proud to introduce one of the great stars of Hollywood,
Mr. Tom Hanks, who in my book, took a shortcut to becoming a
movie star: he only made hits.
Back to Top
Jay's "Hannibal Lecter" Series of Jokes (last
updated 11.03.02):
Hannibal Lecter Jokes:
What does Hannibal Lecter call a CNN host over noodles? Larry a la King.
- October 2003
What happened when Hannibal Lecter ate the Pillsbury Doughboy? He got a yeast infection.
- October 2003
Why did Hannibal Lecter get kicked out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? He was licking other people's fingers.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Andy Rooney with rice? Rice-A-Rooney.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter say about Martha Stewart? She's toast.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call the Rolling Stones? Stewed prunes.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter like most about Domino's Pizza. The delivery guy.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter say when he ordered the George Foreman grill? Keep the grill, give me George.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Anna-Nicole Smith? An extra, extra value meal.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call three Clinton girlfriends in a hot tub? Chunky-style soup.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Whitney Houston and a scoop of ice cream? A coke float.
- October 2003
Why does Hannibal Lecter like to eat Jehovah's Witnesses? Free delivery.
- October 2003
Why did Hannibal Lecter's doctor tell him to eat John Tesh? Because he's on a bland diet.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Michael Jackson? The other white meat.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter get after he ate Carl Lewis? The runs.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Janet Reno on a bun? A man-wich.
- October 2003
What's the difference between Hannibal Lecter and Martha Stewart? One of them isn't in jail yet.
- October 2003
Why wouldn't Hannibal Lecter eat Joan Collins? Because she's passed her expiration date.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter get kicked out of his apartment? He put P. Diddy in a fry daddy.
- October 2003
What doesn't Hannibal Lecter eat Britney Spears? Doesn't like artificial topping.
- October 2003
Why wouldn't Hannibal Lecter eat Jerry Seinfeld? Because he tastes funny.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Heidi Fleiss' girls? A bottomless bucket of crabs.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Heidi Fleiss? Whore d'oeuvres.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call a supermodel from Wisconsin? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call a van full of senior citizens? Meals on Wheels.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Robert Blake? Killer shrimp.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter get together with Al Gore? To chew the fat.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call the singer Meatloaf? Meatloaf.
- October 2003
What did Hannibal Lecter call say to Pee Wee Herman? Hold the pickle.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Strum Thurman? A stale cracker.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Ted Williams? A frozen dinner.
- October 2003
How did Hannibal Lecter get brain freeze? Eating Ted Williams too quickly.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call "Puppetry of the Penis"? Weinerschnitzel.
- October 2003
Why did Hannibal Lecter invite Kevin Eubanks to dinner? Because he knew he wouldn't get any hair in his food.
- October 2003
What's Hannibal Lecter's favorite kind of Pepperidge Farm cookie? Alyssa Milano.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call eating Barry Bonds? A grand slam breakfast.
- October 2003
Why doesn't Hannibal Lecter eat Bill Gates? Too rich.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter like with scrambled eggs? Kevin Bacon.
- October 2003
What does Hannibal Lecter call Saddam Hussein? Deadmeat.
- October 2003
What do Hannibal lecter and a frieght train have in common? They can both "Chew Chew" with people inside.
(Thanks Wally R.)
Do you know why Hannibal Lecter won't eat members of the
Clinton family? Too slimy.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Hillary Clinton? Frozen
dinner.
- February/March 2001
Why did Hannibal have Hugh Rodham over for dinner?
Wanted to chew the fat.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call Al Gore? A square meal.
- February/March 2001
What did Hannibal say when he ate Monica Lewinsky?
"That went down fast."
- February/March 2001
How does Hannibal keep his teeth white? He eats
Republicans.
- February/March 2001
Why does Hannibal eat so many people? He's a humanitarian.
- February/March 2001
Why doesn’t Hannibal eat Californians? Too many artificial
ingredients.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call a train of New Yorkers? A
subway sandwich.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call a Jehovah's witness? Free
delivery.
- February/March 2001
Why does Hannibal ride along with the fire department?
Too lazy to cook.
- February/March 2001
Why won't Hannibal eat any hookers? Because tricks are
for kids.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal put on his pancake? Aunt Jemima.
- February/March 2001
Why does Hannibal like a woman in a thong? Because he
can eat and floss at the same time.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call a circus tightrope walker? A
well-balanced meal.
- February/March 2001
Hannibal is seeing someone new. She said in the paper
today that she hates talking to him when he's nauseous because
he keeps bringing up old girlfriends.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call people he doesn't like?
Hard to swallow.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call Mike Tyson? A wannabe.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call a boy band? An extra value
meal.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call Tommy Lee? A footlong.
- February/March 2001
Why won't Hannibal eat Kathie Lee? Doesn't like
artificial sweeteners.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call the singer Meatloaf? Meatloaf.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?
Pop tarts.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call eating Britney Spears? Dinner
at Hooters.
- February/March 2001
Why does Hannibal like Jennifer Lopez? He likes rump
roast.
- February/March 2001
Why would Hannibal eat Jennifer Lopez less? Because
there's always room for J. Lo.
- February/March 2001
Why does Hannibal sprinkle cinnamon on Jennifer Lopez's
chair? So he could make Cinnabons for dessert.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call George Michael? Beef jerky.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Michael Jackson? The other
white meat.
- February/March 2001
What's Hannibal's idea of a romantic dinner? Eating
Johnny Mathis.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call Richard Simmons? A flaming
dessert.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call John Goodman? Dinner for two.
- February/March 2001
How does Hannibal like Connie Chung? In plum sauce.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal get when he crosses the President of
France with George W. Bush? A French dip.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Doug Flutie’s arms? Buffalo
Wings.
- February/March 2001
What do you call Hannibal Lecter on "Survivor"
island? The winner.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call the women from
"Temptation Island"? Whore d'oeuvres.
- February/March 2001
Why is Hannibal sorry he ate the guy at the Texaco station?
Gave him gas.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call the picture of the athlete on
the Wheaties box? A serving size.
- February/March 2001
What is Hannibal's favorite part of the opera? The fat
lady.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call sex? Playing with your
food.
- February/March 2001
You know how Hannibal got straight "A’s" in
school? He buttered up the teacher.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call a supermodel from Wisconsin? A
quarter-pounder with cheese
- February/March 2001.
Why doesn't Hannibal eat Beverly Hill's high school kids?
Because they're spoiled. (Thanks Kit H.)
- February/March 2001
The other day Hannibal was going to have shish-kabobs, but
Bob never showed up.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call somebody in a really good
mood? A happy meal.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call it when you eat straight out
of the casket? Box lunch.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call a homeless guy? A hungry man
dinner.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal call the guy who runs the electric
chair? Chef.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call a telephone book? The menu.
- February/March 2001
You know what the hungriest Hannibal has ever been?
When he had to wait all day for the cable guy.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin?
Sweet and sour.
- February/March 2001
Why won't Hannibal Lecter eat any hookers? Because tricks are for kids.
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Hillary Clinton? Cold cuts.
- February/March 2001
What's the difference between Hannibal Lecter and Jerry Falwell?
The foot in Falwell's mouth is always his own.
- February/March 2001
Why won't Hannibal Lecter eat Keith Richards? Would you?
- February/March 2001
What does Hannibal Lecter call Whitney Houston and her husband Bobby?
Hash Browns.
- February/March 2001
