The odds makers at Las Vegas are having trouble this year. With the Buffalo Bills out of the playoffs, they have no idea who'll lose the Superbowl.
-12.20.94

San Francisco lawmakers are creating legislation to ban discrimination against "transgenders" (transsexuals, transvestites, etc.). This would require creating three types of bathrooms: Men, Women, and Work-in-Progress.
-12.20.94

AMAZING statistics from Domino's Pizza (from the Food Section of yesterday's LA Times):
Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three times more often than any other topping.
People who have pierced noses, lips or eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23% more often than a meat topping.
Whatever day and time Roseanne airs is always the biggest half hour of the week for meat-topped pizza orders.
The number one pizza-ordering show is Melrose Place, which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas.
While The Simpsons is on the air, crank calls to Domino's go up 16%.
-12.30.94

From Laughlines, Los Angeles Times (a very long time ago...)
Jay Leno on Kim Jong Il being officially declared a god in North Korea: "This guy likes young women, fast cars, and whiskey. And now he thinks he's a god. Women, let me ask you something: Doesn't this sound like every guy from L.A. you ever went out with?"
-1.10.95

From Doug Babbit:
A survey shows that 87% of American people think that the decline of the work ethic threatens the future of the American dream. The other 13% were too lazy to fill out the questionnaire.
-1.13.95

A Dutch food and liquor maker is introducing an ice cream spiked with alcohol. Finally...a product that will destroy your liver and raise your cholesterol at the same time.
-1.18.95

The O.J. jury is now officially sequestered. Everything they do will be monitored. In fact, Judge Ito won't allow them to watch the new Star Trek show because part of O.J.'s defense may include science fiction.
-1.23.95

The O.J. trial starts today with Johnnie Cochran throwing out the first alibi.
-1.23.95

McDonald's has reintroduced their Monster Mac. It's essentially a Big Mac with 4 meat patties. I guess it's for all those people who want the fat and cholesterol of 2 Big Macs without the extra 1/2 of lettuce rammed in between them.
-1.25.95

Oscar Mayer has introduced a fat-free hot dog. It's not too bad once you top it with cheese and chili, order a side of fries, and buy a large shake.
-1.25.95

Johnnie Cochran is such a good lawyer...even O.J. thinks he didn't do it.
-1.27.95

O.J.'s new book is doing great...it's #1 on the fiction list.
-1.31.95

Scientists have invented a new genetically-altered tomato. This one can last for a month. Has it ever occurred to them that if they made tomatoes taste good, they wouldn't have to last a month?
-1.31.95

O.J.'s book is doing so well, they're thinking about doing an Alibi-a-Day Calendar.
-2.01.95

A company in Los Angeles is selling an alarm that gives a 30 second warning of an earthquake before it strikes. That's the good news. The bad news is that it rings at your insurance company first so they have time to cancel your policy.
-2.07.95

It's so cold in the east coast that people are spilling McDonald's coffee on themselves just to keep warm.
-2.07.95

Shapiro was assigned to question Denise Brown because he's the most compassionate of the O.J. lawyers. I didn't know scientists had instruments sensitive enough to measure anything that small.
-2.14.95

The Oscar nominations were announced yesterday...Johnnie Cochran was nominated for best actor.
-2.15.95

Valentine's Day cards from Jay Leno
    1) You are the sunshine of my life; very bright but hard to look at.
    2) Your love fills me to overflowing; sort of like a bad burrito.
-2.16.95

Taco Bell got a new line of fat-free dishes out. This way you won't have a heart attack while running to the bathroom.
-2.17.95

Al Cowlings has announced a new $3 a minute phone line about O.J.'s case. If he talks as slowly as he drives, he'll make a fortune.
-2.17.95

In Chicago during St. Patrick's Day, officials dye the river green. Isn't that desecrating a mob burial site?
-2.21.95

O.J. now stands for orange jumpsuit.
-2.22.95

The Marriott hotel chain announced last week that it plans to build a new hotel at Beirut, Lebanon. How'd you like to be the valet parking guy at that hotel?
-2.22.95

A few days ago, things in the O.J. courtroom got real intense. In fact, because of some inflammatory statements Darden made, Ito was thinking about holding him in contempt. I don't understand that. Don't all people hold lawyers in contempt?
-2.28.95

The D.A. expects more jurors to be replaced. However, legal experts don't think fans will come down to the courtroom to watch replacement jurors.
-3.01.95

In Brooklyn, New York, officials have busted a man for practicing optometry without a license. The D.A. says it'll be a tough case to prosecute because no one can identify him. In a related story, a Lenscrafters optometrist asked, "What license?"
-3.01.95

McDonald's replaced its old slogan, "What you want is what you get," with a new slogan, "Have you had your break today." Here are some other possible slogans:
1) McDonald's, when you haven't got time for nutrition.
2) Handing back the wrong change since 1953.
3) Our hamburgers are now larger than our pickle slices.
4) 40 years of providing jobs for philosophy majors.
5) You name it, we deep fry it.
6) You won't find a better minimum wage burger anywhere.
7) Food, folks, and first degree burns.
-3.02.95

Kato wants to be on the jury. With free hotel, free movies, and $5 a day, that's a better deal than he got with O.J.
-3.03.95

It's amazing the amount of memory computers have today. Some models have 520 MBs or more. But other models, like the Rosa Lopez model, have no memory at all.
-3.07.95

How replacement players will affect baseball:
    - Lifetime drug suspensions will now last only one week instead of two.
    - Umpires will be in better shape than players.
    - No need for trades, everybody sucks equally.
-3.08.95

Rolls Royce introduced the "Bentley Azur," its most expensive car ever ($340k). To give you an idea of how exclusive this car is, the cupholder is a guy named Charles.
    -more on the Bentley:
        In an accident, while the airbag inflates, the cellular phone
        automatically calls your lawyer.
-3.16.95

Because of the sarin scare in the subway systems of Japan, New York city subways have been put on alert. Authorities are telling people to alert them if they smell anything "funny" in nature. How does that work? Have you ever gone to the subway system in New York and not smell something "funny" in nature?
-3.22.95

Two west coast phone companies have won permission to merge into the cable business. Their goal is to provide the worse service this country has ever seen.
-3.23.95

During yesterday's O.J. trial, Deputy D.A. Marcia Clark asked Kato Kaelin where he was from 9 - 11. He said, "Uh...3rd grade."
-3.24.95

Researchers in Finland say men who are depressed are more likely to die prematurely. That should cheer them up.
-3.27.95

Late last year, an ice cream manufacturer had to warn the public about bacteria in its ice cream. Representatives suggested that people boil the ice cream before eating it.
-3.28.95

From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
The O.J. defense team says that they'll call Al Cowlings as a witness. He'll be testifying in July, so he should be leaving his house right about now.
-4.05.95

Scientists say that the bird population is decreasing at an alarming rate. I guess Kentucky Fried Chicken's rotisserie chicken is really catching on.
-4.06.95

According to a recent government report, there are six gun shops to every five gas stations. That means there are more people with guns than there are gas stations for them to rob. Thank heaven for 7-Eleven.
-4.07.95

F. Lee Bailey hasn't been seen in the courtroom recently. Word is he may be seeing a new client. Not a wise idea...we all know how jealous O.J. can be.
-4.10.95

William Armany, the former head of the United Way, was convicted of stealing $600,000.00 from the charity. He spent this on sex and gambling. Armany's lawyer claims that Armany suffers from a brain disorder that impaired his reasoning. The guy liked big homes, fancy cars, and young women. What guy doesn't have that brain disorder?
-4.10.95

In Britain last weekend, a museum of health and hygiene opened. This museum includes an exhibit that gives visitors a chance to handle imitation human waste and watch it flush down a toilet to see where it goes. Who says the British don't know how to have fun?
-4.12.95

Comedian Jack Coen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:
The prosecution is now focusing on O.J.'s blood. It was found in the Bronco, on the Bronco, in the driveway, on the carpet in the Brentwood house, in the hotel room in Chicago. I've cut myself before, but I've never let it bleed for 2000 miles.
-4.12.95

Easter is coming shortly. O.J. must be nervous. The last thing he needs is millions of kids running around, looking under rocks, searching behind trees....
-4.14.95

The latest tests show that LA students are getting the lowest scores ever in reading, writing, and math. According to the tests, LA students are lacking even basic reading and writing skills. The article was on the front page of the Times and could really hurt the morale and self-esteem of the students. Good thing they can't read.
-4.17.95

It's official: the Rams are moving to St. Louis. This must be an exciting time for the folks of St. Louis: One day you have no football team at all and the next day you're in last place.
-4.18.95

Tragic news: The Easter Bunny (or is it Easter the Bunny?) was shot last Sunday. Turned out some of the eggs were gang colors.
-4.19.95

Shapiro got in a little hot water over the weekend. He had to apologize to Criminologist Dennis Fung for making jokes that were offensive to Asians. Shapiro said he was embarrassed and felt sorry. At the end of his statement, Shapiro pointed out that he too was a member of a minority group: Lawyers who felt sorry.
-4.19.95

An entrepreneur has come up with the idea of a Kato Kaelin watch. It works for about 15 minutes and then stops working altogether.
-4.21.95

Things are once again starting to get heated at the O.J. trial. During one of the sidebars Johnnie Cochran told Christopher Darden that he should start acting like a lawyer. Darden did. He told a bunch of lies and gave him a big bill.
-4.21.95

According to Discover magazine, scientists have discovered what they believe to be 60M year old DNA. The bad news is they let Dennis Fung handle it....
-4.24.95

Meteorologists say that it's going to be a very hot summer this year. In fact, Disneyland officials are planning to create a new Dwarf: Sweaty.
-4.26.95

Bad news for the Menendez brothers. A judge has ruled that they cannot bring abuse experts to testify in their trial because the law only allows abuse experts to be used when the defendant is a battered woman. In rebuttal, their lawyer said that the brothers were actually women trapped in men's bodies.
-4.26.95

In New York, 20 students were disciplined for a hazing incident when new fraternity members suffered kidney damage when their backs were sprayed with some sort of toxic paint. The situation is pretty serious. Do you have any idea how important kidneys are when you're in a fraternity?
-5.01.95

In the latest national test of reading skills, students in California tested next to last. When asked to comment, school officials said, "Thank goodness for Louisiana."
-5.02.95

According to a book that Kato Kaelin has written about the O.J. case, Kato says that when he told O.J. he couldn't give him an alibi, O.J.'s stare melted him with fear. Well sure, at that point Kato realized he may have to pay for rent soon.
-5.03.95

As of June 1, Dunkin' Donuts will no longer allow smoking. The management said smoking is unhealthy. Apparently, smoking interferes with the body's ability to consume lard.
-5.03.95

A pub in Great Britain had a live Maggot and Earthworm Eating Contest. Here's my question: If someone brings out a plate of live maggots to eat, and you see a hair in it, do you send it back?
-5.04.95

More on the Maggot and Earthworm Eating Contest:
    Technically they don't call it a maggot and earthworm eating contest, they called it
    The Best of English Cooking.
-5.04.95

Today between 1pm and 4 pm Taco Bell will be giving away free their new light tacos and burritos. Of course you'll be paying for them between 5 pm and 9 pm.
-5.08.95

A Maryland man is suing McDonald's for $2M because of burns he suffered in the drive-thru after spilling hot coffee on his lap. Apparently, he was startled when the cashier handed him correct change.
-5.08.95

It was one year ago last Friday (May 5) that Michael Fay was caned in Singapore. You know what happened to him today? He sat down.
-5.09.95

Taco Bell has introduced some new menu items and were giving them away last Monday. I guess the EPA has been after them awhile to create a new cleaner burning burrito to cut down on emissions.
-5.10.95

More bad news for McDonald's. A guy is suing McDonald's for $2M. He claims he got eye strain trying to find the meat patty on the bun.
-5.10.95

The author of the best selling book, I'm Okay, You're Okay has died at the age of 85. Ironically, he had just finished writing, You're Okay, I'm Not Feeling Too Good.
-5.11.95

Dr. Robin Cotton, the prosecution's DNA expert, said the chance of a blood drop found at the crime scene belonging to someone other O.J. is 170,000,000 to 1. The real bad news for O.J. is that they found the guy and he has an alibi.
-5.12.95

According to Meat Processing magazine, the baseball strike caused the loss of over 6.7M hot dog sales. When this kind of thing happens, it's not just the hot dog industry that suffers. The nation's leading supplier of cow lips and rat hairs had to file for bankruptcy.
-5.15.95

The Hyatt restaurant at Columbus, Ohio, is going hi-tech. They're trying out a new restaurant without waiters. Customers can stop at various food stations, pick out what they want, and it's all totaled up through a computer card at a cashier. Pretty hi-tech, isn't it? I believe they're called CAFETERIAS.

In San Diego last Wednesday, a man stole a 60 ton tank from a national armory and was going down the freeway at 20 mph. This could only mean one thing: Al Cowlings joined the army.
-5.22.95

Jurors in the O.J. trial sent Judge Ito a note saying that the trial schedule is moving too slowly and that they're willing to work Saturdays. Well sure, at time and a 1/2, they'll be making $7.50 a day.
-5.24.95

United Airlines received their very first Boeing 777s, one of the biggest jetliners ever made. The plane is so big that they had to specially design beverage carts to block the aisles.
-5.24.95

To keep animals off of the road, transportation officials in Sweden have been spraying wolf urine along the side of highways. Here's my question: How exactly do they collect wolf urine? Do they wait until they fall asleep and put their paw in warm water?
-5.25.95

Last week, doctors on a 14 hour flight used a coat hanger to operate on a woman whose lung had collapsed. She's okay now, but that's the last time she's flying coach.
-5.30.95

Officials in the Florida Everglades have just finished production of a no frills prison. Actually, they didn't build it; they just bought a Motel 6 and added some amenities.
-5.31.95

The big social even of the year happened in Japan this Monday. The national sumo wrestling champion of Japan got married to Japan's most popular TV star. He weighs 500 pounds, she weighs 103. I believe her nickname now is Little Pancake.
-6.01.95

The author of Kato Kaelin's book claims Kato thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. I find that hard to believe. Kato thinking?
-6.02.95

The O.J. jurors got a chance to look at O.J.'s socks through a microscope. Gee, how tiny are his feet?
-6.05.95

A passenger aboard an American Airline flight from San Francisco to Chicago looked out the window and saw a hole on the wing of the plane. Airline officials said the plane got hit by a bird. The only bird I know that's tough enough to punch a hole on the plane is the bird they're serving in the plane.
-6.05.95

This is one of the worse years for allergies, with the highest pollen count in over 50 years. To give you an idea how much pollen there is, I saw a bee lying on the ground sneezing.
-6.05.95

Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued Pace University because the math in their computer course was too hard? They won $1000, but actually, the school got the last laugh. They gave the students $700 and told them it was $1000.
-6.12.95

A new study indicates that good people live longer than bad people. That is, unless, a good person were to upset a bad person....
-6.12.95

This weekend Johnnie Cochran said if there were another trial, he would represent O.J. again -- even if O.J. runs out of money. I'm sure he would, but you can bet the second trial will move a lot faster.
-6.14.95

There's a rumor that there will soon be a Kato Kaelin doll out on the market. We don't know much about it, but I'm pretty sure it's not an action figure.
-6.14.95

Last week, Cochran called prosecutor Darden paranoid. He may be right. When a guy who believes the police department, the coroner, the D.A., the sheriff, the bailiff, the courtroom janitor, are all in conspiracy against his client and calls you paranoid, he knows what he's talking about.
-6.27.95

A teacher in the Bronx was arrested in a sting operation for allegedly demanding bribes from a student in exchange for a passing grade in government. What crime did the teacher commit? He was just teaching the student about government.
-6.27.95

A new survey indicates that only 29% are closely following the O.J. trial. That's down 38% from January. The bad news is that this was just a survey of the jury.
-6.28.95

Police here in Los Angeles have started using macadamia nuts disguised as crack cocaine in drug sting operations. Buyers think the macadamia nuts are crack and they try to buy it from undercover cops. No wonder L.A.'s broke -- have you seen the price of macadamia nuts?
-6.28.95

San Francisco has installed its first self-cleaning public pay toilets. Of course men are completely puzzled by this -- they think all toilets are self cleaning.
-6.29.95

These toilets are 25 cents for 20 minutes. That's a great deal. It's 75 cents/hour, about $18/day. For that, you have a little room with a toilet that cleans itself. Throw in a phone and it's a Motel 6.
-6.29.95

Of course, New York has had these for years. Only there, they call them subways.
-6.29.95

Testifying at the O.J. trial last week was a hair and fiber expert. Hair and fiber expert? She must be running her own hot dog company.
-7.03.95

It was so hot today in Los Angeles, officials were passing around sketches of the Unabomber with his hood down.
-7.03.95

This is week 26 of the O.J. trial. Do you realize, this has been going on for so long that if O.J. does walk, he'll need a cane.
-7.11.95

It was O.J.'s birthday last Sunday. All of his lawyers chipped in and got him a new alibi.
-7.12.95

Robert Shapiro got a gift for O.J. worth over $30,000. I believe it was three seconds of legal advice.
-7.12.95

The Dodgers newest all star pitcher, Hideo Nomo, is the first Japanese citizen ever to play in an All-Star game. It's interesting how the Dodgers were able to sign him. Nomo and Lasorda are part of a cultural exchange program: In the summer, Nomo comes here to play baseball and in the winter Tommy Lasorda goes over to Japan as a sumo wrestler.
-7.13.95

From Late Night with Conan O' Brian:
Native Americans are angry over the historical inaccuracies of the movie Pocahontas. Apparently the real Pocahontas was much younger, much shorter, and rarely sang duets with her cartoon husband.
-7.17.95

Judge Ito said last week that baseball is boring. Actually, if you think about it, baseball is a lot like the O.J. trial: attendance is down at both, they both feature spoiled millionaires, and in both cases, you know someone's going to walk.
-7.18.95

A cruise ship in New York's east river capsized this weekend, tossing passenger and crew into the water. Here's the amazing part: although there were only 38 people in the boat, the rescue team fished 50 bodies out of the water.
-7.19.95

A cow in Brazil died last week after eating 90 lbs. of marijuana. I don't know what they did with the cow, but you know the $3.99 sirloin down at the Sizzler's? It now has a street value of over $70,000.
-7.19.95

On Monday, Oregon became the first state to sign a law which states that parents of children who commit crime will be punished. Good thing California doesn't have a law like that. You know how much trouble the Menendez brothers' parents would be in?
-7.20.95

The Rams are playing at St. Louis this year. Of course, the big change is they'll be losing their games two hours earlier.
-7.21.95

An Oakcreek, Wisconsin lawyer is suing his former fiancee to get back the $12,000 wedding ring he got her. The trial is going to be embarrassing for the both of them. He's got to admit he wasn't smart enough to get a prenuptial, and she's got to admit she was stupid enough to marry a lawyer.
-7.27.95

The LAPD photographer who took pictures of O.J.'s bedroom after the murders testified that he didn't see any bloody socks on the floor. Of course not. He's a man. Men never see dirty laundry on the floor.
-7.27.95

Disneyland is celebrating its 40th anniversary. As part of the celebrations, they have managed to track down some of the first people who visited Disneyland the very day it opened in 1955. They were easy to find. They were still in line for Pirates of the Caribbean.
-7.31.95

On Monday, 200 people in Anaheim, California set a new world's record by making the world's largest burrito. I tell you something, I don't want to know what the next record they want to set is.
-8.03.95

The makers of the S.A.T. have announced a revised scoring system. From now on a student can miss three or four questions and still get a perfect score of 1600. This is so unfair to those of us who got perfect scores. I got 1600 on my S.A.T. Actually, I took it 4 times and added up the scores....
-8.03.95

The O.J. defense is now trying to refute some of this DNA evidence by bringing in Nobel Prize winning expert Kary Mullis. Although he is a genius, he is an admitted frequent user of LSD. He is expected to testify about the melted ice cream, the melted Bronco, the melted faces of the people....
-8.04.95

The hottest selling item in Japan right now are bars of soap made in China that supposedly help people lose weight when they wash with them. If you drop a few pounds after washing, perhaps hygiene, not weight, is the problem.
-8.07.95

Hurricane season has started in south Florida. In fact, winds were so strong they actually knocked a player on the University of Miami football team into a classroom.
-8.08.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yankee pitcher Jack McDowell gave the finger to the crowd. He was fined $5k and given a New York City Cab license.
-8.10.95

Last week for the first time in 79 years, the Dodgers had to forfeit a game. Unruly fans were throwing objects on the field and the umpires considered it too dangerous to continue the game. It's nice to know that L.A. Raider fans have found something to do now that their team has left town....
-8.14.95

From Late Show with David Letterman:
Earlier this week, CBS aired the Miss Teen USA Pageant. Miss New York Teen's presentation for the talent competition included smoking a cigarette and reciting the Miranda Rights.
-8.17.95

Scientific journals report that anthropologists are having debates on whether all humans originated from Africa or China. Either way, this isn't going to make Mark Fuhrman happy.
-8.18.95

The Discovery Channel's top rated show is Fangs, which shows nonstop footage of animals killing one another: Lions mulling antelopes, Crocodiles eating flamingoes, etc. You wonder why animals are so violent? Look at their TV shows.
-8.18.95

Mark Fuhrman is fighting charges that he's a racist. I don't think he helped his case any when he said he does not have a racist bone in his superior white Anglo-Saxon body.
-8.24.95

The Gaza Strip over in the Middle East has opened its first amusement park. This has got to be a tough place for an amusement park. How do you come up with rides and exhibits that are going to scare people who have lived with terrorism their entire lives.
-8.24.95

Last week Japan apologized for World War II and today Germany apologized for Mark Fuhrman.
-8.31.95

Defense forensic expert Henry Lee testified there could've been two killers, but today O.J. said he didn't see any one else.
-8.31.95

Tonya Harding is set to make her professional singing debut this Sunday. Kind of funny how things worked out. I guess the singer who was supposed to perform got whacked at the knee.
-9.01.95

Both of L.A.'s former football teams won last Sunday. Both teams said the clean air in their new towns of St. Louis and Oakland made the difference -- not for breathing, but for being able to see the ball.
-9.06.95

Over the weekend, police in New York arrested a man who swallowed a $6,000 diamond, and now they're holding the guy until he passes it. I bet you these cops won't be accused of tampering with the evidence.
-9.07.95

Last week in Buffalo, New York, police arrested a man who overpowered a 7-11 employee, put on the guy's uniform then robbed the customers as they came into the store. Police said they first got suspicious when they noticed the guy spoke perfect English and was able to break a $20.
-9.07.95

The New York Giants lost by 35 points last Monday. On Sunday, the New York Jets lost by 38 points. New York is a lot like Los Angeles now -- they don't have a Pro-Football team either.
-9.07.95

The O.J. trial is starting to take a toll on O.J. He's in sitting in there day in, day out. Somedays he feels like he's the one on trial.
-9.12.95

The defense attorneys are still saying that the prosecution is guilty of a conspiracy of silence. Then they announced O.J. wouldn't be taking the stand.
-9.12.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent survey 86% of college fraternity members admitted they had at least 5 drinks in a row. The other 14% were out cold.
-9.14.95

According to the newest U.N. report, scientists for the first time now blame a rise in the earth's temperature on human activity. So women, the next time you see a guy sprawled out on the couch in front of the TV with a bag of Cheetos and a beer, he's not lazy, he's just environmentally friendly.
-9.15.95

Last week at the O.J. trial, 5 of O.J.'s defense lawyers were all wearing the exact same tie to show they're all united on O.J.'s innocence. Anyone notice the only one not wearing one of those ties was O.J.?
-9.18.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new study shows that the hole in the ozone layer is now twice as big as it was last year. Scientists are actually devising a plan to take the remaining ozone and combing it over the top.
-9.19.95

A man has just completed running across the entire United States while flipping a pancake in a pan along the way. Here's the embarrassing part: When he finally got to the west coast, turns out the guy he was bringing it to had ordered a waffle.
-9.21.95

Both the New York Times and Washington Post published the Unabomber's entire manifesto after he threatened to send another mail bomb. Here's my question: When he sent the manifesto to both newspapers, who did they get to open it?
-9.25.95

The Unabomber says he is against the use of sophisticated electronic equipment and he wants us to return to a simpler, non-technological time. So...he could be a Radio Shack employee.
-9.25.95

Here in California a man is facing 6 years in prison for impersonating a lawyer. Authorities first suspected that this guy was not a real lawyer when they found out that he would only take the cases of poor people who had no money or place to turn and defend them for free.
-9.26.95

More about the faux-lawyer:
Do you realize when he gets to court, he has the right to act as his own attorney?
-9.26.95

AT&T is splitting into three smaller companies. One will be in charge of making annoying calls to you during dinner, the other will be in charge of billing you for calls you never made, and the last will be in charge of making you wait all day for service.
-9.29.95

The experts were right. They said once the Unabomber got on the Washington Post, every lunatic in the country would start looking for publicity. And sure enough, Ross Perot announced he's forming a third party.
-9.29.95

Computer scientists say someday people will be able to watch baseball games at home by putting on a virtual reality headset. They say it will put you in the field right with the players. Isn't that pretty dangerous? I mean, if you're watching an Angels game you could wind up choking to death.
-9.29.95

It was reported that AT&T may lay off as many as 20,000 workers. The good news is that it looks like MCI will be gaining 20,000 new Friends & Families members.
-10.02.95

Comedian Al Lubel, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
A lady in San Diego was convicted of manslaughter for killing her husband, and was fined $20,000 by the court. She kills her husband, was not given jail time, and fined only $20,000. Evidently, the court is saying to angry wives: "Save up!"
-10.02.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A spokesman for Iran said they no longer want to find Salman Rushdie; their whole focus is now on Waldo.
-10.05.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A kid in Tennessee discovered a condom in his McDonald's cheeseburger. Apparently, McDonald's has really upgraded they're happy meals.
-10.11.95

John Wayne Bobbit, the man who redefined the phrase "Currently unattached," wants to get back together with his wife, Lorena. I think she made it pretty clear she doesn't want to see the guy. Does he really think they can get back together? He was lucky to get back together.
-10.17.95

The Menendez trial started last week. It turns out the Menendez brothers had initially thought of suffocating their parents, but they changed their minds when they realized people might start calling them the Smother Brothers.
-10.18.95

A Montana museum director is claiming he has the only known document with Chief Sitting Bull's signature on it. Here's my question: If this is the only known document with his signature, how do we know it's his signature?
-10.18.95

The number one selling costume this Halloween is the Judge Ito costume. The worse selling is the Mark Fuhrman costume...that's because most people already have white sheets at home.
-10.19.95

From Late Show with David Letterman:
Because of the crowds, O.J. Simpson has not been able to stay at his home on Rockingham, so what he's doing is every night he's trying to stay with a different friend. It's all part of his mansion-to-mansion search for the real killers.
-10.20.95

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
It is reported that O.J. Simpson has retained the services of 13 lawyers. In legal terms, that's called a "Liar's Dozen."
-10.24.95

Yesterday rap singer Snoop Doggy Dog went on trial for murder. He could get 25 years in prison, which of course is 175 years in doggy dog years.
-10.25.95

Universal Studios Hollywood just opened up a Waterworld attraction. It's very authentic. In fact, it's so realistic that it's already lost $100 million.
-10.26.95

There was a big fire last week at the exclusive Gucci store in Beverly Hills. $250,000 worth of Gucci merchandise was damaged, which Gucci officials estimate to be about 2 purses and a belt.
-10.30.95

From The Late Show with Conan O'Brien:
A group of Native Americans protested before last week's Cleveland Indians' game. They weren't offended with the logo, they just didn't want to be associated with Cleveland.
-10.30.95

Madeline Mary O'Hare, America's leading atheist, denied through her spokesperson last week rumors that she was dead. The woman had not been seen in public for awhile and people had thought she had died. She said she didn't understand why just because people didn't see her, they automatically thought she doesn't exist.
-10.31.95

A New York investment banker flying from Argentina took his pants off and "went to the bathroom" on the food cart of the plane. Rather than apologize, he is fighting the charges. In fact, his lawyer is plea bargaining the charges down from a number 2 to a number 1.
-11.03.95

The Royal Ice Cream company has had to recall some of their ice cream because of reports of bacteria contamination causing severe flu-like symptoms. Authorities are warning people that if they do buy Royal Ice Cream to boil it thoroughly.
-11.07.95

The Los Angeles Clippers coach is very optimistic about the new basketball season. He thinks if their defense holds up, if they get good perimeter play, if they stay injury free, and if hell freezes over, they may have a chance.
-11.07.95

People magazine said this week that O.J. prosecutors Chris Darden and Marcia Clark are going to get married. They would've gotten married already, but they couldn't find a reliable witness.
-11.08.95

Officials in North Carolina say that turkeys are dying of diarrhea in large numbers. To alleviate the problem, they are recommending that this year you may want to sew the turkey a little tighter.
-11.09.95

The Miller Brewing Company in Irwindale may use recycled sewer water while making their beer because the city claims it's more environmentally friendly. Don't we already have an alcoholic beverage that's made out of sewer water called Zima?
-11.10.95

British scientists say they can now freeze human eggs. Wouldn't this cause more problems for parents? It's tough enough telling a kid he was adopted. How do you tell a kid he was defrosted?
-11.15.95

A little rivalry is going on between Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran. Cochran is holding out on his book deal unless he gets more money than Marcia Clark. I think he should get more money. After all, fiction always sells better than nonfiction.
-11.16.95

The Washington Bullets are thinking about changing their name because they don't want to be associated with the image of crime. So from now on instead of the Washington Bullets, they will simply be known as the Bullets.
-11.21.95

A woman in France was convicted of shooting her husband to death because she claims he had too much flatulence. And do you know what's really ironic? She may get the gas chamber.
-11.22.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The average cost of a Thanksgiving Dinner for a family of five this year was $150. That included the turkey, the dressing, and the hour of psychotherapy needed afterwards.
-11.28.95

For the first time in 60 years, Campbell's is changing the formula of its famous Campbell's Chicken Soup. They're going to put chicken in it now.
-11.29.95

From the Late Show with David Letterman:
There was a 3 alarm fire at the Empire State Building last week. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, but fire officials say they haven't seen that many people choke since the Buffalo Bills were in the Superbowl.
-11.29.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The FDA has approved new pills that help you lose weight by making you feel full. The recommended dosage is about 5,000 pills a day.
-11.30.95

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
According to a new survey, 2 out of 3 New Yorkers feel safe. But, aren't 2 out of 3 New Yorkers muggers?
-12.05.95

The Postmaster General announced that the Post Office made $2B last year...not from delivering mail, but I guess they had a "turn in your guns for cash" program.
-12.07.95

A new medical study reports that men who eat 10 pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's probably because they're dead by age 40.
-12.08.95

The Galileo spacecraft sent a probe down to the surface of Jupiter on Thursday. That amazes me. We can send signals to a spacecraft 580M miles away. This signal will then launch a probe into the surface of another planet. And yet, I can't buy a cordless phone that works in the backyard.
-12.11.95

It was 20 below in Buffalo this weekend. In fact, Buffalo hasn't seen numbers that low since the Superbowl.
-12.13.95

Rodney King says he wants to meet the officers that beat him because he thinks it'll be healthy for him. Well, it'll certainly be healthier than the first time.
-12.15.95

In Utah, Death Row inmates get to choose between either death by lethal injection or firing squad. That's a tough choice. You wouldn't want to make the wrong decision and wind up regretting it for the rest of your life.
-12.19.95

O.J. Simpson has made a video that tells his side of the story. The news showed him standing in front of his driveway and shooting a video about why he's innocent. Well, I guess it's good to see him acting again.
-12.26.95

From The Los Angeles Times, the year remembered:
"Today's Special: Lack of Ram"
-- sign in front of the Catch restaurant across from Anaheim Stadium, upon the announcement in January that the Rams football franchise was moving to St. Louis.

"The words 'Oakland' and 'Raiders' are synonymous. It choked many people's throats to have to put 'Los Angeles' and 'the Raiders' together. And it wasn't just the smog that made that happen."
-- Oakland Mayor Elihu Harris, exulting at the football team's decision to return to the Bay Area.

"They're going to open this thing with great fanfare -- and I'm delighted to have it open -- but I don't believe there is going to be anyone to ride it because it doesn't go anywhere."
-- Los Angeles City Councilwoman Ruth Galanter, on the Aug. 12, 1995, opening of the $950-million Green Line railway between Norwalk and Redondo Beach.

"It's all in the laps of the gods. And if they fail us, there's always the engineers."
-- Galileo project scientist Torrence Johnson as the spacecraft prepared to complete its 2.3-million-mile odyssey to Jupiter.
-1.02.96

This New Year's, many of our prayers are with the American troops in Bosnia. These men and women are making a huge sacrifice. Think about it: We send them to a country they don't even know, to protect a people they've never met, for a length of time we can't specify, on behalf of a country that's broke and closed for business.
-1.03.96

The world population grew by a 100 million this year. That's like trying to fit another country the size of Mexico into the planet. That's bad news for California...we're still trying to fit the first Mexico in here.
-1.04.96

It was revealed that the former Orange County treasurer who lost $1.6B consulted psychics and astrologers before making any investments. Well, you see how Orange County got broke, those services cost $3.95 a minute.
-1.04.96

A class action suit was filed against Victoria's Secret claiming its holiday catalog mailed to men offered a larger discount than the same catalog mailed to women. I'm shocked...I didn't know women looked through the catalog too.
-1.05.96

The LAPD has announced that it is starting to put dummies in patrol cars along the side of the rode in an effort to scare speeding drivers. I don't think that's a good idea. Remember the last time they put a couple of dummies in a car? They had to pay Rodney King $3.8M.
-1.08.96

The University of Texas is considering expelling a 30 year-old man who allegedly assumed a fake identity so he could join the football team. The guy pretended he was a 22 year-old sophomore, won a scholarship, and played on the team. In fact, he is such a compulsive liar that they may revoke his football scholarship and change it to a law school scholarship instead.
-1.10.96

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
A lot of people think we're kidding about this blizzard. If you don't happen to live in this part of the country, you probably think we're making a big deal out of nothing. But I'll tell you, the snow is really, really deep. I'm walking to work and I see a dog with a metal detector trying to find a hydrant.
-1.10.96

Scientists at the University of Vermont have announced that they have developed an edible sandwich wrap. Do you think that's a good idea? Would you want to eat something that's used to keep dirt off your sandwich? Isn't that like going to the Sizzler's and licking the sneeze guard?
-1.12.96

A man in South Korea fell in a sewer and lived there for nine days before being rescued. He's writing a book about his experiences. I believe it's called "Looking Out for Number 2."
-1.17.96

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Scientists have announced that the sun is 5B years old. It just looks older because it's spent so much time in the sun.
-1.19.96

Jack Kevorkian now says he wants to open a chain of suicide clinics across the United States. Looks like Denny's is finally going to get some competition.
-1.26.96

From Late Night with Conan O' Brien:
Nine New York City kids have made the finals in a national science contests. Unfortunately, they all did reports on how to turn ether into rock cocaine.
-1.26.96

This week the FDA approved the sale of a new synthetic fat called Olestra. Opponents say the fake fat can cause diarrhea; although, manufacturers say it's fake diarrhea.
-2.02.96

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
New York City is introducing a brand new $150M 911 emergency phone system. The new system is actually based on the one currently in use in Los Angeles. Here's the way it works. When you call 911 the dispatcher will ask you 3 questions: Who are you, where are you, and what is O.J. doing to you.
-2.02.96

The statistics are starting to come in on Superbowl XXX. The week before the Superbowl, more Americans acquired new TVs than in any other time since the LA riots.
-2.06.96

Looks like accused murderer and eccentric millionaire John DuPont will have to close down his wrestling gym in his estate. You get the feeling where he's going there'll probably be a lot of guys who like to wrestle?
-2.08.96

In some parts of Iowa it was so cold that cows' ears were freezing and breaking off. You know what that means? Huge shortages in the hot dog industry.
-2.12.96

2500 pigs ended up drunk on a farm outside Stockholm, Sweden after the grain they were given went stale, fermented, and turned into alcohol. Do you know how to tell when pigs are drunk? They start acting like men.
-2.14.96

In Paris, city officials are planning a new form of public transportation. Cars can be borrowed at any time, driven to different locations, and left there so that somebody else can drive them. We have that in L.A., I believe they're called carjackings.
-2.14.96

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the police department, there's a new gun in New York that looks like a cigarette lighter. Only problem is, if you want to shoot someone you have to go outside.
-2.14.96

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new study shows that 3/4 of Americans are overweight. In fact, it's gotten so bad that 3/4s of Americans are now 9/10s of Americans.
-2.15.96

American Airlines is coming out with a cookbook of airline recipes called "Something Special in the Air." This, by the way, is also the title for the Taco Bell cookbook.
-2.16.96

Kevorkian's attorney announced that Dr. Kevorkian is threatening to go on a limited hunger strike. Isn't that called a diet?
-2.21.96

A woman in France is trying to marry a dead man. Apparently, this woman and man had a child together, he's dead, and now she wants to marry him so the boy will at least one day know that they were married. But the wedding got called off...I guess he got cold feet.
-2.28.96

Over the weekend, the first world conference on Auto-Urine Therapy was held. These people believe that you can cure diseases by drinking your own urine. And you thought hospital food was bad before.
-2.29.96

Hundreds of doctors and scientists from all over the world were at the Auto-Urine Therapy conference. They say to get used to the flavor, start with a glass of Zima.
-2.29.96

Las Vegas got an inch of snow. So for those of you waiting for hell to freeze over, there you go.
-2.29.96

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a new survey, 50% of teachers say that students get incorrect information from outdated textbooks. The other 50% said they are not aware of the problem, but they're sure the Nixon Administration will resolve it.
-3.08.96

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
There's a new computer software program that will name your baby for you. So far, the most popular boy's name is "Please Insert Disk."
-3.11.96

Paula Barbieri, O.J.'s ex-girlfriend, is now dating a Miami plastic surgeon. So, I guess she likes guys that are good with a knife.
-3.12.96

In a recent poll, 7 out of 10 high school students couldn't find Canada on a map. Well, I bet if they brought in the draft those kids would find it really fast.
-3.13.96

K-Mart is coming out with its own credit card. I guess it was invented so that people with Discover cards could finally have somebody to look down on.
-3.13.96

Yesterday in Egypt, more than 30 of the world's leaders attended an international anti-terrorism conference. They discussed ways to deter terrorism. For example, don't tempt terrorist with easy targets like putting 30 of the world's most important people under one roof.
-3.14.96

A dog in New Hampshire called 911 when its owner needed help. The dog dialed 911 and barked into the phone until the police arrived. Actually, the dog is not as smart as everyone thinks. Turns out he had to call information first.
-3.15.96

A company in Argentina has just come out with a new coffee that contains a laxative. This way it keeps you up while you're sitting down.
-3.25.96

The new K-Mart credit cards are experiencing a big problem with forgery. Apparently, people are too embarrassed to sign their own name.
-3.27.96

Hasbro is now marketing a new line of supermodel dolls. They're realistic too; pull the string and their heads turn and they completely ignore you.
-3.28.96

There's a new Amtrak ad that shows a man and a woman riding Amtrak and the guy asks if this is heaven or what. Well, if it's not, Amtrak will get you there soon enough.
-4.01.96

California, like England, also had an outbreak of Mad Cow disease...but we dealt with it differently than the English. Rather then kill the cows, we got a Beverly Hills therapist to bring the cows together and have them talk openly.
-4.03.96

Mad Cow disease from England has gotten very, very serious. Symptoms include nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, and stomach cramps. Don't all English food give you those symptoms?
-4.03.96

Mad Cow's disease is now getting wide press coverage. But actually, it's no longer called Mad Cow's disease. The new, more politically correct name is Hostility-Challenged Bovine Fever.
-4.04.96

"60 Minutes" did a huge investigation on a letter sent to Judge Ito claiming that one of the jurors on the O.J. trial was writing a book. "60 Minutes" thinks the letter is a phony, although a lot of people think it might have been somebody on the defense team that wrote the letter. The clues are there. One sentence at the end of the letter said, "If she's writing a book she must get the hook."
-4.05.96

Two of the largest banks in Los Angeles, Wells Fargo and First Interstate, have agreed to merge. The banks say they are going to pool their resources to make just one bank with the longest line in modern history.
-4.08.96

Former O.J. lawyer Alan Deschorweitz was on the news complaining that in the O.J. case he got paid less than he would have if he was a plumber. Actually a plumber has it easier than a defense lawyer. After a day's work, the plumber can just wash the slime off.
-4.09.96

Former O.J. defense lawyer Robert Shapiro is on a nationwide tour. He's going to New York, he's going to Boston, he's going to Texas, promoting his new book, "The Search for Justice." This proves, of course, if you want justice, you got to get as far away from Los Angeles as possible.
-4.09.96

Congratulations to Osaka, Japan for winning the Little League World Series. I understand they beat the Anaheim Angels 5-0….
-9.10.99

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Disney announced that they are canceling plans to make a new sequel to the movie Peter Pan, mainly because Peter is close to 50 now and it’s just too creepy that he keeps showing up in kids’ bedrooms.
- 9.13.99

According to a new report by plastic surgeons, too many implants now are springing leaks. That explains why no matter where you are in L.A., you can always smell the ocean.
-3.08.00

Scientists at the University of California Berkeley say they have created a chip that is half human and half silicone. Well, so are half the women in Beverly Hills.
-3.08.00

According to a study by George Mason University, 43% of college graduates said they would change their major if they could do it all over again. And, almost 90% of college football players said they would change their majors if they knew what it was….
-3.13.00

Beautiful weekend we had, 88 degrees. People were sweating like a guy with $30 in his pocket trying to fill up his Ford Navigator.
-3.14.00

In Los Angeles, education officials want to use part of Dodgers' stadium parking lot to build a high school. Forget the parking lot, use the stadium, the Dodgers aren't doing anything with it.
-3.14.00

John and Patsy Ramsey's book about the JonBenet Ramsey murder case came out last week, it's called "The Death of Innocence." For the book they set up a special section, "Alibiography."
-3.20.00

Education officials in L.A. said that they want to use part of Dodgers Stadium parking lot to build a new high school. The want to build a school with a cafeteria on the top level, classrooms in the middle level, and as usual the Dodgers are in the basement.
-3.27.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
On the Thursday before the Oscars, the Los Angeles police brought charges to one of the men that stole the Oscar statuettes. At the courtroom, the man told reporters that it was an honor just to be arraigned.
-3.27.00

Monica Lewinsky has fired her personal trainer after just one day on the job. Apparently he went to the media and bragged that he was her personal trainer and she didn't want that kind of publicity. I understand she's very tight-lipped….
-3.28.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier last week in a New York department store while Monica Lewinsky was making a personal appearance, she was heckled by a woman who had to be escorted away by security guards. Later the guards released the woman and she continued her campaign to be senator of New York.
-3.28.00

China has plans to make cable TV available to 800 million viewers. But they don't have the Spice Channel, they have the MSG Channel….
-3.29.00

It's becoming more common now that athletes are doing on the field can lead to criminal charges. Like today, while playing defense, the Clippers were arrested for loitering.
-3.30.00

Microsoft has lost its anti-trust suit against the government. The government said this week that they have to stop Microsoft because competition is the American way. Oh yeah. That's why the most popular game in America is Monopoly.
-4.05.00

There's a new book out for women called "How to Dump a Guy," tells you how to get rid of men you don't want to be around, and it says you should give the guy a lot of hints. Here's a hint: how's about letting him see you read a book called "How to Dump a Guy" ?
-4.06.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A federal judge ruled that Microsoft violated antitrust laws and as a result the stock has been plummeting all week. And, according to his wife, Bill Gates was so upset when he came home last night, he didn't even watch "Star Trek."
-4.06.00

From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
A 77 year-old woman in Las Vegas was attacked by killer bees and it took paramedics a firehouse to get the bees off of her and a crowbar to get her arms off the slot machine.
-4.12.00

The first child ever born from a frozen embryo turned 16 this week. Do you know how she spent the day? Chillin'.
-4.14.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last Friday, the Dow and the Nasdaq suffered their worse point loss ever. Apparently, Bill Gates spent the day building a Windows product he could jump out of.
-4.17.00

CBS announced this week that they are going to make a movie-of-the-week about Elian Gonzalez. And since it's CBS, it's going to be told from the grandmother's point of view.
-4.18.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Last week, a couple of guys busted into Bloomingdale's and stole 3,000 cashmere sweaters. Police are describing the suspects as armed and casual.
-4.18.00

Authorities in Jonesboro, AK say the new fashion trend among teenage boys is wearing prison jumpsuits. That's not surprising. Kids always like to wear the same uniform as their favorite NFL players.
-4.21.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A recent probe by law enforcement agencies has concluded that 90% of sports memorabilia is fake. People apparently started getting suspicious because a month ago some guy bought a copy of Ebony magazine signed by John Rocker….
-4.21.00

The San Fernando Valley is going to start converting wastewater from toilets into drinking water. This is called "From Toilet to Tap." That's wouldn't be my number 1 choice - or my number 2 choice.
-4.25.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week in the Supreme Court, the Boy Scouts of America defended their policy against homosexuality, saying they only exclude Scout Masters that are openly gay. One justice then pointed out that "openly gay" could be defined as any adult willing to be seen in that outfit.
-4.27.00

According to a new study by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, the most dangerous mid-size car in a crash test was the 1999 Daewoo Leganza. The good news: no one in America has ever bought one.
-5.02.00

Amtrak now has their own web site, but be careful though. I logged on and not only did my computer crash, it rolled off an embankment.
-5.02.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Thousands of people stood in line in New Jersey to buy lottery tickets for a jackpot of $150M. When asked what they'll do if they won, the one thing everyone could agree on was to move out of New Jersey.
-5.04.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
People lined up again to buy lottery tickets in New Jersey because nobody won the jackpot - it's now worth $200M. Apparently, the jackpot is now so large that the winner will know what it's like to divorce Ted Turner.
-5.08.00

From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
Elian Gonzalez's relatives are claiming that President Clinton is being blackmailed by Fidel Castro and that's why Clinton wants the boy here. Castro is blackmailing Clinton with telephone sex tapes. We can not let some foreign dictator blackmail our President about sex. That is the job of Republicans in Congress.
-5.09.00

Looks like there's a break in the "ILOVEYOU" bug. Authorities are getting ready to press charges against a 23 year-old man in the Philippines. I wonder how women feel about this. Here's the one guy in the world not afraid to say, "I love you," and they put him in jail.
-5.11.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week, thousands of New Yorkers crossed across state lines to New Jersey to buy tickets to the $325M big game drawing. Many other New Yorkers stayed home because they realized it isn't worth $325M to visit New Jersey.
-5.11.00

"Sports Illustrated" is saying that the NBA wants to start a minor league for players not yet good enough yet to compete in the NBA. Don't we already have that? They're called the Clippers.
-5.19.00

Physicians at the University of Washington have recalculated the mass of the Earth. They say it weighs 6 sextillion metric tons, which is actually lighter than the last time they weighed it. Researchers speculate that the Earth weighs more because the last time they weighed the Earth right after the holidays.
-5.19.00

Last week at a museum in Chicago, the largest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever on Earth, dinosaur Sue, went on display. The dinosaur weighed 7 tons, moves at a top speed of 15 mph, and turns really slowly. So really, this was the first SUV.
-5.22.00

According to a survey, 56% of college students plan to move back in with their parents after they graduate. The other 44% didn't plan it, it just ended up that way.
-5.23.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
The "Jesus" miniseries was very big for CBS. Last week, as a matter of fact, Jesus was on QVC selling a new line of sandals.
-5.24.00

Smoking is down in the United States. The number of cigarettes sold per person fell a record 8%. I wonder what happen to all those people that used to smoke....
- 5.30.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This year for the first time ever, a teenage girl has qualified to drive in the Indy 500. The girl said the hardest part was learning to take a turn at 150 mph while talking on the phone.
- 5.30.00
Last week, a L.A. Superior Court judge fined a 24 year-old man $810 for running onto the field at Dodgers' Stadium and mooning John Rocker. Once again, a young man's life is ruined by crack.
- 5.31.00

Daryl Strawberry and his wife are expecting a baby in June. It's going to be a natural childbirth. No drugs for mom, just drugs for dad.
- 5.31.00

Because of the great ratings of the "Jesus" mini-series, more religious programming is planned. Like at Fox, they're coming out with a more youth-oriented religious show - "Bethlehem 90210."
- 6.01.00

The Lakers and Trail Blazers had a very close game 7 last Sunday. To give you an idea on how close it really was, in the fourth quarter a Lakers fan actually put down his cell phone.
-6.06.00

Pitcher John Rocker has been sent down to the Minor League after apparently threatening the "Sports Illustrated" writer who wrote the story [about his racial remarks]. Actually, Rocker said he's pretty relieved to be in the Minor League - at first he thought they sent him to the Minority League.
-6.07.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A federal judge has ruled that Microsoft should be split into 2 different companies. One company will have the Windows operating system and the other will count will Bill Gates' money.
- 6.13.00

Here in L.A., a newspaper is advertising a law camp. You can send your kid to law camp for 2 weeks. Of course, it's run by lawyers, so they'll bill you for 3 weeks.
- 6.15.00

Last week on "Survivor" they voted the lawyer off the island because he was the one person reluctant to eat a rat. Well, of course, no species eats its own.
- 6.20.00

Last week was the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper (invited in 1904). To commemorate the anniversary of sandpaper, K-Mart is offering 25% off their generic toilet paper.
- 6.21.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
New York City has installed 3,000 security cameras in the subway. Already it's made a difference. And the difference is already 3,000 security cameras have been stolen.
- 6.21.00

After the Lakers victory on Monday over the Pacers, there was million of dollars in damages. And that was just because some of the cars they burned had full tanks of gas.
- 6.22.00

Car dealers are now selling the fire-damaged cars as 2000 Lakers Championship Editions....
- 6.22.00

More news from the Los Alamos Nuclear facility. Seems two employees from that lab there have been flown to Washington because they reportedly failed the lie detector test. They took them to Washington because apparently, that's where we keep all our liars.
- 6.23.00

Joey Buttafuoco and his wife Mary Jo have separated. Mary Jo said that she'll always have a soft spot in her heart for him...and a soft spot on her head, too.
- 6.26.00

The Ramsey's house in Boulder, CO is on sale for $1.2 million. It's a three story house: Patsy's story, John's story, and the police's story.
- 6.26.00

Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. Now that it appears that her marriage to a lying, cheating, adultery is over, she said she would take the next logical step: run for the Senate in New York.
- 6.27.00

From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher:
There's still fallout from the riot that followed the Lakers' NBA Championship last week. Authorities are calling it the ugliest basketball-related incident since Magic Johnson got a talkshow.
- 6.27.00

"Forbes" magazine has once again named Bill Gates the richest man in the world. On hearing this, Janet Reno said that Bill Gates should be broken up into 2 smaller rich men so as to eliminate a monopoly on that title.
- 6.28.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
There's a controversy going on with MTV's "The Real World." A Mormon cast member of the new season is about to be kicked out of Brigham Young University because of the show's co-ed living arrangement. A spokesman for the Mormon university said what she's doing is immoral unless she immediately marries several male cast members.
- 6.28.00

A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact, half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians.
- 6.30.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The California Prune Board says they want to change the image of prunes, so they got approval from the FDA to change the name of the fruit to "dried plums." They also got approval for a new slogan for prunes: "They're Number 1 for Number 2."
- 6.30.00

Last week in an historic decision, the Supreme Court ruled that a New Jersey Boy Scout troop can kick out their Scoutmaster for being gay. The other night, the gay scoutmaster was on Larry King and said that of course the whole ordeal was very painful for him because the whole world knows now that he's from New Jersey.
- 7.06.00

It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car....
- 7.12.00

The folks at McDonald's have a new slogan: We love to see you smile. This replaces the old slogan: Food, folks, and strokes.
- 7.14.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Health experts now say there are 70 million rats in New York City, and Mayor Giuliani said he intends to have the city trap and kill as many as possible. In a related story, Mayor Giuliani announced that this fall students will have new, meatier lunches.
- 7.14.00

Sexy lingerie retailer Frederick's of Hollywood filed for bankruptcy. Today the workers were given their pink slips along with matching panties.
- 7.17.00

Olympic track and field star, Ben Johnson (once the fastest man in the world), lost $7,000 while in Rome. A woman took his wallet and ran off with it. Tried to catch her but couldn't. Now the police want to arrest her. Arrest her? They should put her on the Olympic team.
- 7.18.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Right after "Survivor" is "Big Brother." CBS is watching 10 people. I'm thinking, what a switch - it's usually the other way around.
- 7.18.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Taco Bell is going to stop airing their commercials featuring that talking Chihuahua. A Taco Bell executive said the dog was okay as a spokesperson, but he was much better as a burrito.
- 7.21.00

Government officials are now studying the effects of radiation on the brain from the use of cell phones. The cell phones, manufacturer's say, are perfectly safe to use. It sure didn't take long for those people in the tobacco industry to find jobs.
- 7.26.00

According to a United Nations study released last week, half the people in the world do not have access to a toilet or even a decent latrine. I believe these people are called Exxon customers.
- 8.01.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
The new CBS show, "Big Brother," has 27 surveillance cameras. They have them in the dining room, they have them in the kitchen, they have them in the bedroom, they even have them in the bathroom. You know, if I want to see a guy urinate, I'd just go to the subway.
- 8.01.00

For the first time in years, you're going to be seeing more and more food items at the Sizzler restaurant. They're not changing the menu, they're just decided to clean the sneeze guard at the salad bar.
- 8.02.00

Yugoslavia is building the Yugo again. These new Yugo's have some deluxe features, like heated rear windows. This will keep your hands warm while you're pushing it home.
- 8.09.00

The number 1 movie over the weekend was "Hollow Man," starring Kevin Bacon. In the movie Kevin Bacon becomes completely invisible. Big deal - Vanilla Ice did this 8 years ago.
- 8.10.00

The number 1 movie this week continues to be "Hollow Man," the movie where Kevin Bacon plays the invisible man. I wonder what it's like being completely invisible. I guess you can ask the two Supremes who were with Diana Ross....
- 8.11.00

Firestone is recalling as many as 20 million tires because the rubber just peeling off the tires. Thank God they don't make condoms.
- 8.14.00

The phone company, Verizon, has almost settled their big phone strike. Did you know that on the East Coast now there's a backlog of over 100,000 repair requests. Although Verizon said that it's actually part of their call waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting feature.
- 8.23.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
I can identify with those "Survivors." I also know what it feels like to be marooned by CBS.
- 8.24.00

The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws said last week that 12 million adults regularly smoke marijuana and still hold down jobs. But since the big recall, Firestone will have to let a lot of them go.
- 8.28.00

According to a recent survey, a large number of men do not wash their hands before leaving the restroom. The survey-taker said he stood in the restroom for a week, observing men going in and out. 40% of the men wash their hands, 40% of the men did not wash their hands, and 20% of the men punched the guy in the face for watching them go to the restroom.
- 8.29.00

Custom Advertising, from THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Oscar Mayer's new slogan: Our wieners don't shrink in cold water.
Burger King's new slogan: I can get as fat as I want. I'm married.
McDonald's new slogan for the Big Mac: It's American and 70% fat, just like you!
Debeer's current slogan: Diamonds are forever.
Debeer's new slogan (for men): Two months' pay, for one night's lay.
- 8.31.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
China announced that they've cut 27 athletes from their Olympic team because some suspicious things showed up during drug testing. Apparently all 27 Chinese athletes tested positive for MSG.
- 9.19.00

A federal appeals court has ruled that police in London, CT did not discriminate when they turned down a candidate who scored too high on the IQ test to become a police officer. They said they didn't want cops who were too smart because they would get bored of the job and quit. So, the way it works there is if you fail the IQ test you can be a cop, if you pass the IQ test you can't be a cop, and if they catch you cheating on the IQ test, then they make you a lawyer.
- 9.22.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
One of the biggest modeling agencies was broken into and phone numbers and addresses of several supermodels were stolen. Apparently, much like the Watergate scandal, this break-in also leads directly back to the White House.
- 9.22.00

Big break in the Los Alamos nuclear spy case. Chinese scientist Wen Ho Lee has pleaded guilty to one felony count. He's one sorry Ho....
- 9.25.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Iraqi newspapers announced that Sadaam Hussein is planning to build a monument in Baghdad to commemorate the Gulf War. A spokesperson from the Pentagon said the monument is a great idea and that they can't wait to blow it up.
- 9.25.00

This month's issue of "Vanity Fair" claims that George W. Bush has dyslexia. He said he doesn't suffer from it often, only when he reads.
- 9.26.00

More on dyslexia....
Actually, research shows that 1 in 10 people are dyslexic - or maybe it's the other way around....
- 9.26.00
Motivational speaker Tony Robbins and his wife of 15 years are getting a divorce. Apparently, his wife caught him motivating another woman....
- 9.27.00

From The Late Show with David Letterman:
A report from the Mayor's office in New York reports that the infrastructure of New York City is crumbling. 67 buildings in New York are unsafe. In fact, the only thing holding these buildings together is pigeon crap.
- 9.27.00

The U.S. Men's Baseball team won the gold medal, defeating Cuba 4-0. The U.S. team got so excited that they lifted Tommy Lasorda - and that got them a gold in weightlifting.
- 9.29.00

Monica Lewinsky said she was offered $1M to pose in "Playboy" but she didn't do it, she turned it down. Which is too bad, because she would've been Miss October, November, and December.
- 9.28.00

Because of all these Olympic athletes failing drug tests, some people think it'll hurt the Olympics, others are optimistic, saying that it'll only make the Olympics better. I guess it depends if you see the cup of urine as half full or half empty....
- 10.02.00

NBC reporter Jimmy Roberts took viewers for a tour of an Australian brothel, and I guess a world record was set in the 100-meter dash by 9 married guys running outside to beat the cameras coming in.
- 10.02.00

Anna Nicole-Smith was on TV again last week. She looks great. She lost 50 pounds - her 90 year-old shriveled up husband....
- 10.09.00

Last week the Wal-Mart Corporation came out with its own brand of wine. Finally, a Chardonnay you can enjoy with a hot dog.
- 10.10.00

The FDA has approved that controversial abortion pill RU486. They've also approved another pill that men take during the woman's pregnancy, called RU-TheFather.
- 10.11.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Microsoft stock is dropping like a rock and has hit a 2-year low. Bill Gates is feeling so poor, he's decided to change his toilet paper from $50s to $20s.
- 10.18.00

President Clinton is back from Egypt. He's back from negotiating a cease-fire in the mid-east. Of course, we call it a cease-fire, they call it reloading....
- 10.19.00

The striking commercial actors have reached a tentative agreement ending their walkout, and all the actors that are in commercials are very excited. Well, as excited as people can be who are suffering from diarrhea, bad breath, hemorrhoids, yeast infections....
- 10.26.00

In the movie "Dr. T. and the Women," Richard Gere plays a gynecologist, but the film's not doing great. It's just not one of those movies that make women want to put their feet up and relax. 
- 10.27.00

Halloween is different here in L.A. For example, the trick or treaters in Beverly Hills are so snotty. In Beverly Hills, their idea of a haunted house is anything under $1.5M.
- 10.30.00

We've said this before, but in Beverly Hills, Halloween is just so different. The kids in Beverly Hills don't even have those wax lips, they just get a shot of collagen for the day....
- 11.01.00

I was in a restaurant for lunch today, and it still had the Halloween decorations up. It had the dust and cobwebs up on the wall, and then I realized -- these aren't fake cobwebs, this is Planet Hollywood.
- 11.02.00

Daryl Strawberry was arrested again for testing positive for cocaine. In fact, when he gave his urine test, powder came out.
- 11.09.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Next Fall, a new TV show is going to air, called "Who Wants to Date a Hooters Girl." Apparently it's the perfect show for people who say the questions on "Millionaire" are too hard.
- 11.10.00

The hot new game is the Sony Playstation 2's John Madden football. They say the graphics are so good, it's almost like you're playing professional football - kind of like the Cincinnati Bengals.
- 11.14.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A Florida judge ruled that state officials can cut off the vote recount in the Presidential election at 5 p.m. Apparently, the ballots had to be in by 5 so that the vote counters wouldn't miss the early bird special.
- 11.16.00

Researchers say they have come up with the world’s first marijuana suppository. This proves something that the government has been saying for years: Marijuana can lead to crack.
- 11.21.00

In downtown L.A., the Lakers were serving food to the less fortunate, the Clippers.
- 11.27.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Department of Transportation reports that many Americans are going to travel a hundred miles or more to spend Thanksgiving with family. Then they're going to spend the rest of the day giving thanks that they live a hundred miles or more.
- 11.28.00

In Peoria, IL, a prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated by the authorities after he took the leg off and used it as a club in a brawl with another inmate. Here's my question: when you take your leg off and beat him with it, technically are you hitting him or kicking him?
- 11.30.00

Researchers have come up with the world’s first marijuana suppository. You know who I’m sorry for – the drug-sniffing dogs.
- 12.06.00

According to a new poll, 7% of California drivers say they read a book while driving. Isn't that unbelievable? Californians reading?
- 12.11.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A woman is suing McDonald's claiming she found a fried chicken head in her order of chicken wings. In response, a spokesperson from McDonald's said that was ridiculous, they don't put actual parts of chickens in their chicken wings.
- 12.11.00

3 men in Taiwan managed to pull a 10-ton truck using only their penises. I'm surprised it took 3 of them....
- 12.12.00

The "New York Post" is reporting that people who sell fake, knock-off perfumes actually use human urine as one of the ingredients. So, that Chanel No. 5 you bought could actually be Chanel No. 1....
- 12.13.00

There's a big storm in the Midwest; 22 inches of snow in Chicago. In fact, O'Hare Airport has had more cancellations than NBC....
- 12.14.00

7-Eleven now has a special gift section where you can buy Christmas presents. This is for people who want to combine the quality of K-Mart with the prices of Neiman-Marcus.
- 12.22.00

Researchers at Stanford University say they've developed a drug called "Celexa," that helps women who are compulsive shoppers. They say it curbs the uncontrollable urge to shop. In fact, this weekend it goes on sale for 50% off....
- 12.27.00

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the "New York Daily News," bars all across the city are installing breathalyzer vending machines telling people whether they've had too much to drink. Apparently, if you're drunk the machine warns you not to drive, and if you're really drunk, it warns you not to call your ex-girlfriend.
- 12.27.00

After over 125 years in business, last Thursday Montgomery Wards officially announced that they were closing all their stores. I was shocked. I thought Wards went out of business 20 years ago....
- 1.04.01

Doctors in Singapore claim they have delivered the first baby conceived using both frozen sperm and a frozen egg. The doctors said they knew the mother was going into labor when her ice broke....
- 1.05.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Bill Gates is being sued by 7 Microsoft employees who claim that the company discriminates against minorities. Apparently, at Microsoft, a minority is any employee who has a girlfriend.
- 1.05.01

Doctors in Singapore have delivered the first baby using both a frozen egg and frozen sperm. Mother and baby are doing fine. In fact, they're both at home chillin'.
- 1.09.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, 250 ferry passengers got stranded for hours in the icy waters just off the coast of New Jersey. When asked to comment, the customers said it was tough, but it could've been worse - they could've made it to New Jersey....
- 1.09.01

According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be....
- 1.10.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A man in Utah was arrested recently after it was discovered that he had 5 wives. Ironically, he was sent to prison and now he has 5 husbands....
- 1.11.01

I watched the Lakers' game the other night. Shaquille O'Neal blocked 4 shots - 3 of them Kobe's....
- 1.15.01

Things aren't good with the Lakers. Kobe says he's the new star of the Lakers and Shaq is calling Kobe selfish. Give you an idea how bad things are going - the Lakers are thinking about bringing back Dennis Rodman as a stabilizing influence.
- 1.15.01

Feel the earthquake last Saturday? It was so strong it actually knocked the ball out of Kobe's hand....
- 1.18.01

Sad news. Ted Mann, founder of Mann's Theaters, one of the biggest, largest movie chains in the country, died last week. Services will be Sunday at 12.15, 3.30, 6.45, and 9....
- 1.22.01

The man who helped developed products such as Clearisil, Vagisil, and Odor Eaters has past away. That's a dedicated guy. I mean, how would you like to go to work everyday knowing you're surrounded by people who are smelly, pimply, and have an embarrassing itch so private they can only discuss it with their doctors.
- 1.22.01

News from the world of science: physicists say for the first time in history they have been able to stop light. Big deal. Southern California Edison has been doing that for the past 3 weeks....
- 1.23.01

According to "Newsweek," the big trend now among teenagers now is coed slumber parties. Slumber parties where they invite both sexes and the parents allow it. Actually, when I was in high school, I remember boys and girls slept together all the time. We called it algebra class....
- 1.23.01

These sleazy sex shows [Fox's "Temptation Island'], that's the popular thing now. CBS has its own version coming out called "Everybody Rubs Raymond."
- 1.24.01

This year the Super Bowl was broadcast in 25 different languages - and that's just in Los Angeles.
- 1.29.01

It was 86 years ago last week that Alexander Graham Bell made the first transcontinental phone call. It took 23 minutes for the call to go through, there was a lot of static, and then it went dead. So, I guess they had Verizon back then....
- 1.30.01

Police in Los Angeles are searching for robbers that robbed 12 Radio Shacks in a row. Do you know why they're robbing Radio Shacks? No witnesses.
- 1.30.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Baltimore Ravens defeated the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl. Each player on the Ravens will receive $52,000, or as they call it, bail.
- 2.02.01

In Japan, a 70 year-old man was choking on a rice cake when his relatives stuck a powerful vacuum cleaner hose down his throat, turned it on, sucked out the rice cake, and saved his life. I bet this guy is glad he wasn't constipated.
- 2.05.01

Recently a handwritten note was found in a home once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken owner Colonel Sanders. For several days it was thought to contain the Colonel's secret recipe. Eventually they discovered the recipe was a fake because it requires real chicken.
- 2.05.01

The XFL premiered this weekend. In fact, the quarterback for the L.A. Extreme has a lot in common with Kobe Bryant - he doesn't know much about passing either....
- 2.09.01

Scientists say plans are underway now to clone a human being by the year 2003. I thought human cloning has already taken place - last year's Clippers are this year's Lakers.
- 2.09.01

Do you know what Hannibal calls a Black, a Latino, and a Taiwan guy? A BLT....
- 2.19.01

Do you know why Hannibal doesn't eat kids from Beverly Hills? They're spoiled.
- 2.19.01

Ratings have not been too good for the XFL. Last Saturday night, it got beaten by the Fox show, "Cops." Which proves people would rather watch NFL players get arrested than XFL players play football....
- 2.21.01

What does Hannibal call a person in a really good mood? A happy meal....
- 2.22.01

Watching the Discovery channel last week, and they had this show about mocking birds. They were telling how mocking birds steal songs from other birds. I didn't know they had Napster.
- 2.22.01

In an interview with "Vanity Fair" magazine, 75 year-old Hugh Hefner now says he has 7 girlfriends - one for each night of the week. Somebody should tell Heff - those are called nurses.
- 2.26.01

One of Hugh Hefner's 7 girlfriends has left him. A spokesman said she left Hugh to focus on her acting career. I thought to pretending to enjoy sex with a 74 year-old guy was her acting career.
- 2.26.01

According to the Commerce Department, our trade deficit is at an all-time high. It seems like we're buying a lot more foreign products than they are buying American. In fact, they said if it weren't for that spy, we wouldn't have sold any American stuff to Russia last year.
- 2.27.01

The TV show "Extra" did an expose on pay phones and how germ-infested they are. They said the average pay phone mouthpiece has over a hundred viruses on it, including saliva and other bodily fluids. They said a one-minute phone call is like spending a month on "Temptation Island."
- 3.01.01

A big earthquake hit Seattle last week; luckily no one was hurt. The earthquake effected a lot of businesses. In fact, today Microsoft released their new computer program, Shattered Windows 2001.
- 3.05.01

6.8 earthquake in Seattle last week. That's big. They said one more earthquake like that and the government won't have to break-up Microsoft.
- 3.05.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Philadelphia's Mardi Gras celebration turned violent when crowds started smashing windows, looting, and fighting with police. Apparently, the crowd got angry when they realized they were celebrating Mardi Gras in Philadelphia.
- 3.05.01

Daimler-Chrysler is importing a new SUV from Germany called the Unimog. It's 20 feet long and weighs over 12,000 pounds. The largest SUV we have now is 4,500 pounds. It comes with 3 rows of seating: first class, business, and coach....
- 3.12.01

San Francisco wants to become the first city in the nation to finance with city money sex change operations for their city workers. This is part of their new "Don't ask, can't tell" program.
- 3.12.01

The NBA suspended Lakers player J.R. Rider for violating the league's drug policy. I don't know how he got the joint, but you can pretty much rule out Kobe passing it....
- 3.13.01

There's a new collectible Barbie called "Whispering Wind" Barbie. My advice? Don't buy the companion doll, "Breaking Wind" Ken.
- 3.13.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Fox network has bought the broadcast rights to "The Sound of Music" for the next 5 years. In order to make the movie more attractive to Fox audiences, they're going to re-title it, "When Singing Nazis Attack!"
- 3.14.01

Walt Disney has offered to pay $450 million for the rights to Winnie the Pooh. The last time anybody in Hollywood paid that much for Pooh was when NBC bought XFL football.
- 3.15.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Sports fans are excited because this week marks the beginning of the quest for the Final Four. Of course, by Final Four, I mean the last four viewers of the XFL.
- 3.15.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Because of the big blizzard that didn't happen last week, the mayor of a New Jersey town said that from now on meteorologists should be held accountable for inaccurate predictions. Forecasters say the mayor has a 30% chance of succeeding.
- 3.16.01

The XFL football league got a special award from the city of Los Angeles for energy conservation. Seem every time comes on, thousands of people turn their TVs off....
- 3.19.01

The Academy Awards are less than a week away. Producers are taking extra precautions to make sure the Oscars don't get stolen. In fact, to be doubly sure nobody takes them, each statute is being shipped in a box marked, "XFL Season Tickets."
- 3.19.01

A TWA flight landed at the wrong airport in Colorado after the pilot got lost. Do you know what TWA stands for? The Wrong Airport....
- 3.20.01

Power blackouts are plaguing Los Angeles. Computer went out in a lot of state office buildings. Consequently, a lot of government workers were forced to play solitaire with real cards.
- 3.22.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The army has announced that it is going to postpone the decision on a proposal to make all its troops wear black berets. Apparently, many soldiers were angry about having to wear the black beret and aid if they wanted to look gay, they would've joined the navy.
- 3.22.01

Bad week for the Lakers last week. Kobe got hurt pretty bad - twisted his ankle after making a pass to Shaq. Well, that's always going to happen the first time you try something.
- 3.26.01

In Portland, OR, a woman charged with shooting her husband, cutting up his body into little parts, and then scattering his parts around the neighborhood, plead guilty to a lesser charge. What is the lesser charge? Littering?
- 3.26.01

Did you all watch the Academy Awards on Sunday? Or as we call it, Crouching Wonderbra, Hidden Implants....
- 3.27.01

"Gladiator" won best actor and best picture. I'll tell you why "Gladiator" won. I think Hollywood was blown away by the whole concept of stabbing people in the front.
- 3.27.01

A judge in Arkansas has thrown out Arkansas' law against sodomy. All of Arkansas is behind him now....
- 3.30.01

A McDonald's in Canada is being sued by a family that claims they found a severed rat head in their Big Mac. To make things worse, the rat had eaten all the cheese too.
- 4.02.01

How many Southern California Edison workers does it take to screw on a light bulb? None - they're too busy screwing consumers.
- 4.03.01

For the first time ever, white people are no longer the majority in California - except on Prime Time TV.
- 4.03.01

It was this week in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and every postal worker carried a rifle. So basically, nothing's changed.
- 4.05.01

American military experts are afraid the Chinese will reverse engineer [take apart and built their own] spy plane. Have you seen our spy plane? It has propellers on it.
- 4.06.01

The Chinese said they're taking a hard stance. In fact, they say they're going to double the amount of MSG they put in our food.
- 4.06.01

Last week Nick was voted off "Survivor." Nick was the last black guy on the show. So, now you got 6 people left, they're all white. Or, as we call it here on NBC, "Friends."
- 4.09.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Big rumor in the entertainment business is that NBC is going to cancel the XFL as soon as the season is over. This news comes as a blow to XFL fans, both of whom are very upset.
- 4.09.01

According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, he's working out.
- 4.10.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new report, this year airline passengers have been subject to longer delays and ruder service than ever before. When asked about it, a spokesperson for the airlines said, "Shut up and get back in line!"
- 4.11.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week the Dallas Mavericks made NBA history by signing the first player born in China and apparently the player is 7'1". Unfortunately, he was quickly kicked out of the league because they found out he was one Chinese guy standing on another Chinese guy's shoulders.
- 4.13.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the Associated Press, a chemical plant in Russia went up in flames last Wednesday, sending thick toxic clouds into the skies above Moscow. And, as a result, Moscow has decided to change its name to Los Angeles.
- 4.12.01

The Ku Klux Klan has been dropped from Missouri's adopt-a-highway program. A bunch of people sued to keep the Ku Klux Klan off the highway, and then last month the Supreme Court ruled they are an organization and they should allowed to stay in the program. Then state officials kicked the Klan out because they said the Klan did not properly maintain the highway they adopted. Apparently, the Klan was only picking up the white trash.
- 4.16.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The crew of the United States spy plane has come home, but it's still unclear whether China is going to return our plane. Apparently the Chinese won't return our plane because they said they don't deliver outside a 10 block area.
- 4.16.01

The rumor is Michael Jordan may return to pro-basketball. Hey, I'll be happy if the Chicago Bulls returned to pro-basketball.
- 4.17.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week a maître d' at an exclusive restaurant in New York received a $16,000 tip from a Wall Street customer. Unfortunately, today the tip was valued at only $4,000.
- 4.18.01

Analysts say that gasoline may go to $3 a gallon. So your SUV might stand for stationary utility vehicle.
- 4.30.01

According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a baby to college?
- 5.08.01

A college professor in Columbia University in New York has found a procedure that can turn gay men into straight men. I think it's called parole.
- 5.11.01

Last week, Robert Blake's attorney said they are focused on one thing, and one thing only: getting that O.J. jury back together....
- 5.14.01

You know what was the most popular line in the unemployment office this week? What XFL team did you play for?
- 5.16.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The owners of the XFL announced that after losing $50 million they're shutting down the league. Reportedly, the XFL players are taking it really hard, and so is the fan.
- 5.16.01

NBC revealed its new Fall line up this week. Lots of innovative, new ideas. NBC has three new shows it thinks will be huge hits: East Wing, North Wing, and South Wing.
- 5.17.01

Gas is going to be $3 a gallon this summer. This is unbelievable. When I was single, that was the price of good wine.
- 5.24.01

They had the premiere of "Pearl Harbor" last week in Hawaii at the real Pearl Harbor site. A lot of the surviving American Pearl Harbor veterans were there. They even had some Japanese veterans there. Actually, they crashed the party....
- 5.30.01

A stripper who was linked to the FBI agent Robert Hansen, the one arrested for spying, said they never had any kind of sexual contact or relationship. She said he tried to convince her to change her life. He wanted to get her to stop stripping and start going to church. Being a traitor to your country is one thing, but getting women to stop taking their clothes off, that is un-American!
- 6.01.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a new study conducted at Columbia University, gay people can become straight depending on their motivation. Not only that, straight people can become gay depending on their cellmate.
- 6.04.01

Here's some good news: it looks like this summer, Californians will get early warnings of blackouts. Here's the bad news: the early warnings are June, July, and August.
- 6.05.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The federal government is considering a proposal that would update the warning label on beer and other alcoholic beverages. For instance, one of the new warnings says, "Caution: Excessive drinking could cause karaoke."
- 6.06.01

I guess we're hearing about this, the big, big story in the news: there has been a request for a stay of execution. But the NBA ruled, "No, the 76's have to play the Lakers."
- 6.07.01

Firestone has severed its ties with Ford. Well, if there's one thing Firestone is good for, it's breaking up....
- 6.08.01

Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Australia are looking for ways to make auto parts out of hemp, which is a derivative of marijuana. You thought people liked the new car smell before....
- 6.08.01

Seems police in India found 86 human skulls and bones at a bus stop. And you thought the buses here were slow....
- 6.13.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A retirement community in Arizona had to hold an emergency meeting because recently over 2 dozen senior citizens were caught having sex in public areas. Apparently, the seniors drank too much and started partying like it was 1899.
- 6.13.01

In Nepal, when a King dies, it is customary for the people to eat the ashes of the King. Isn't that ironic? One minute you're the King sitting on the throne passing laws. The next minute you're on the throne passing the King....
- 6.20.01

NBC has another new show coming on in the Fall called, "Criminal Intent." The show challenges the viewer to solve the crime before the police do -- kind of like the Robert Blake case.
- 6.20.01

"Consumer Reports" has rated the Mitsubishi Montero unacceptable because it can tip over during certain driving conditions - like when it's carrying passengers....
- 6.25.01

Mitsubishi has a new slogan: You'll flip over our new SUV....
- 6.25.01

According to "USA Today," filming for the second "Star Wars" prequel has been completed. George Lucas said less action, more romance in this next "Star Wars" film. And you thought Darth Vader did a lot of heavy breathing now.
- 6.26.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The city of Berlin, Germany, elected its first openly gay mayor. In his acceptance speech, the gay mayor said that now that the Wall is down, it's time to redecorate.
- 6.26.01

According to "Forbes" magazine, Bill Gates is still the richest man in the world - $58 billion. That just goes to show you how much money you can save when you don't have to buy computer software every six months....
- 7.02.01

He [Bill Gates] is so rich, instead of toilet paper, he has an ATM in his bathroom.
- 7.02.01

Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant just bought a 16,000 square-foot house in Orange County, complete with a lake stocked with fish, bumper cars, and a replica of a pirate ship. Didn't that used to be called Disneyland?
- 7.05.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A "Star Trek" fan in Britain has rebuilt his home and turned it into a replica of the star ship "Enterprise." And apparently, the "Star Trek" fan said the next thing he plans to rebuild is a replica of a girlfriend.
- 7.11.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Scientists in America are developing genetically engineered cats that won't bother people with cat allergies. However, the cats will still bother people by destroying their furniture and crapping in their bathtubs.
- 7.12.01

Beijing, China has been chosen to host the 2008 Olympic games. And since it's in China, they said they would put a star next to the events that are really spicy.
- 7.18.01

In Tokyo, a man who had been dead for 13 years was found in his son's freezer. The son kept his father in the freezer hoping to bring him back some day. Do you know what the son called him? POPsicle....
- 7.20.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It was reported this week that a 124 year-old women recently passed away in Florida. Not surprisingly, in her neighborhood in Florida, she was known as "The Kid."
- 7.20.01

The FBI has admitted that they have misplaced 449 guns and 148 laptop computers. That's why FBI agents are called G-men. They keep going, "Gee. Where's my gun?"
- 7.25.01

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Wisconsin, a man has been arrested for peeing in his boss' bottle of Mountain Dew. The man was later released when police found out he didn't pee in the bottle - Mountain Dew always tastes that way.
- 7.25.01

In New Jersey, 170 people have been charged with staging automobile crashes to collect the insurance claims. Between Firestone tires, Ford Explorers, and Mitsubishi Monteros, do we need to stage crashes anymore?
- 7.26.01

Ford is now installing voice-activated cell phones in their cars and SUVs. Do you know how these things work? If you say, "office," it'll call your office; you say, "home," it'll dial your home; and if you say, "Firestone," it'll dial 911.
- 7.26.01

Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers' is getting married. Do you know why he's getting married? It's