From Laughlines, Los Angeles Times (several months back...)
A man is walking down the street when he meets God (or your favorite deity). He asks God, "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God answers, "So you will love them."
Then he asks, "Why did you make them so soft?"
God answers, "So you will love them."
Then he asks, "Why did you make them so stupid?"
God answers, "So they will love you."
-1.11.95
From David Will:
Misers are no fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.
-1.13.95
A new study shows that on a daily basis men expend more energy than women. Actually, they both do the same amount of work...men just use more energy bragging about it.
-1.17.95
From Rev. Robert E. Fambrini, Laughlines, LA Times (a pretty long time ago...)
One Sunday, a pastor went to the pulpit in his church and told his congregation that he was being transferred, but not to worry.
After the Mass, he went outside and found several parishioners visibly upset, some even crying.
"I told you not to be upset," the pastor said. "The Bishop has promised a good man to take my place."
From the crowd, a young man shouted back: "That's what he promised the last time!"
-1.20.95
(from Al Lubel, a comic who appeared on The Tonight Show):
At age 30 our bodies are supposedly slowing down. I don't see that, unless what slows down first is my ability to notice things.
-2.01.95
From Jim Hayes, Laughlines, LA Times:
Parameters of friendship: "An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body."
-2.03.95
From Brad Slaight, Laughlines, LA Times:
My parents' dream was for me to have everything they didn't. Thanks to ozone holes, fear of AIDS, and no health insurance, their dream has come true.
-2.03.95
Wayne Cotter, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:
The government has this satellite 250 miles up that takes pictures so accurate, it can identify individual humans on the ground. I don't trust it. This is the same government that takes my picture 3 feet away and makes me look like a Klingon.
-2.21.95
Actual headlines from actual newspapers across the country:
1) Car repairman charged with battery.
2) Thought for the day: The best exercise -- reach down and pull someone up. Sponsored by Petersen Funeral Home.
-3.10.95
What machine at a health club would you be most likely to meet a supermodel?
The ATM machine.
-3.16.95
Backers of the reinstatement of the death penalty in New York claim that it'll make criminals think twice before shooting someone. I don't believe that. When New Yorkers think twice about shooting someone, it means they'll shoot them twice.
-3.17.95
A few days ago lawyer Alan Deschorweitz said that police are routinely trained to lie. That's the difference between lawyers and police. Police are trained to lie, but lying comes naturally to lawyers.
-3.17.95
According to a study of health clubs, men sweat more than women. Well sure. It takes a lot more effort to hold in the gut for an hour.
-3.20.95
Have you seen the commercial for those "Math-Made-Easy" tapes? Those ads really seem to take advantage of the poor math skills of buyers. One of the ads was selling the product for one installment of $29.95 or 4 easy installments of $18.95.
-3.22.95
According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, anything with mayonnaise, cheese, or meat is bad for you. Does that mean the healthiest thing in your lunch box was the twinkie?
-3.24.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:
My wife asked for plastic surgery; I cut up her credit cards.
-3.28.95
A survey shows that on a weekly basis, 42% of Americans spend less than $10 on romantic gifts. You know what researchers call this group? Men.
-3.30.95
From LA Times, Laughlines:
John and Bette had been married for 10 years when she asked what he would do if she died first.
"Would you get married again?"
"Well, I am only 36, so I might," he replied.
"Would you live here in our home with her?
"I suppose so," he answered.
"What about our bed, would you use that too?"
"Sure," he replied.
"What about my new golf clubs. Would you let her use those too?"
"Oh no," John said. "She's left-handed."
-4.03.95
Katie Couric, from the Today Show:
My husband calls a wedding band the smallest handcuff in the world.
-4.06.95
There's a new telephone 800 or 900 number where you can call and test your IQ. It costs $3.95/minute. I understand the test is pretty simple: If you call at all you're an idiot, if you stay on for 3 minutes or more you're a moron.
-4.27.95
From Los Angeles Times, Laughlines:
A ship captain told his small crew of 3 that their ship was sinking, and that the lifeboat could only hold 3 men. "Perhaps you have heard the old adage that the captain always goes down with his ship. That is hogwash! I, for one, will be in that lifeboat. Those of you who answer the following questions correctly will join me."
To the first he asked: "What was history's most famous ship-sinking?"
"The Titanic, Sir," he answered. "Correct," the Captain replied.
"How many people were on board?" the Captain asked the second. "There were 2,228 passengers and crew included, Sir," he said. "That is also correct," the Captain replied.
To the third the Captain asked: "What were their names?"
-Alan Weiss, Santa Monica
-4.28.95
A new study indicates that doctors' treatment of whiplash is usually ineffective and can often make the condition worse. According to the study, you're probably better off following your lawyers advice of applying fresh doses of money on the infected area.
-5.12.95
Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
According to an article in USA Today, children from single parent homes have much better verbal skills than children from two parent homes. However, children from two parent homes are far superior at bitterly sarcastic repertoire.
-5.17.95
Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I went to Toys 'R Us and bought my son a Jurassic Park action figure called the Thesaurus. The Thesaurus, if you don't know, was a tiny creature who often used flowery language to extricate himself from potentially life threatening situations.
-5.17.95
GM announced that it no longer was going to produce the big cars: the Cadillac Fleetwood, Buick Roadmaster, Chevrolet Caprice have had all production stopped. In fact, Ford was going cancel production of the Lincoln Towncar but didn't because of religious reasons. As you know, the trunk of a Towncar is a mob burial ground.
-5.19.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Actual headlines with unattended meanings:
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
-5.26.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
-5.26.95
California has replaced Florida as the number 1 tourist destination for foreigners. Last year 5.2M foreigners visited California...and so far 3 have gone home.
-6.02.95
The Marine Corp. is studying Wal-Mart's distribution network to help improve their ability to keep supplies flowing in the field. They've also got their cooks studying 7-Eleven to figure out how to get people to eat food that have been sitting on the shelf for 3 years.
-6.06.95
Scientists say they have found water in the sun. There are apparently large areas with moisture drops on the sun. You know what this means? It's not only hot in the sun, there's also that humid heat....
-6.06.95
There's a clinic here in Los Angeles that advertises they'll cure snoring and hemorrhoids with laser surgery. They're very busy, and doctors at the clinic say they're burning the candle at both ends.
-6.07.95
More fascinating medical news: Doctors are now starting to use maggots to heal wounds. This doesn't make any sense to me. When was the last time you saw an animal on the side of the road, covered with maggots, that looked like it was getting any better?
-6.07.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
-6.09.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Wholly Holy Bloopers (bloopers from various church bulletins and orders of service):
The ladies of church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.
-6.09.95
LA County's new slogan is: Together We're the Best. Los Angeles. Here are some slogans The Tonight Show staff came up with:
LA, the Other Silicon Valley
Come Taste the Air
Follow the Sun, and Bring a Gun
-6.14.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Mangled Modifiers (the trouble with misplaced modifiers):
Plunging 1,000 feet into the gorge, we saw Yosemite Falls.
The patient was referred to a psychiatrist with a severe emotional problem.
No one was injured in the blast, which was attributed to a buildup of gas by one town official.
-6.16.95
Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Many of my friends are getting engaged and are buying diamonds for their fiancé. What better to symbolize marriage than the hardest thing known to man.
-6.19.95
Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My friends have been trying to set me up on dates. They mean well, but it's always the same thing. They would say, "We found someone perfect for you." I meet the person and I ask myself, "What do my friends think of me?"
-6.19.95
Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me; I'm disappointed that they actually think I dress like that.
-6.19.95
Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Relationships are a lot like drugs. You develop a dependency and if you're not really careful you could wind up losing your house.
-6.20.95
Mike Dugan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Like all men, I like to watch sports, but I'm still trying to figure out boxing. That's a big tough man's masculine sport. But, you know what the prize money is called in a heavy weight boxing match? A purse. The two biggest, baddest men in the world fighting for a purse. A purse and a belt.
-6.20.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Last week I saw my psychiatrist and told him I keep thinking I was ugly. He told me to lie in the couch, face down.
-6.21.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I'm so ugly, as a kid, I once stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
-6.21.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I get no respect at all. My dad, he told me never to take candy from strangers, unless they offered me a ride.
-6.22.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife, she's the worse cook in the world. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.
-6.22.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
In this world, it's all happy people. It's best to give. I want to help people. I mean, I want to do a show for the homeless, but I don't know where to contact them.
-6.23.95
NBC's Dateline had a story about what cities had the most helpful people. Nashville finished first, but New York finished last. That's unfair. I think the people at New York are very helpful. They're always telling you where to go, where to stick it....
-6.30.95
From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Question: What is the best way to pick up a girl in a gym?
Answer: Pull-ups. You pull-up in a Porsche, pull up in a corvette...
-7.05.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I just can't get lucky. I'm sitting on top of the world and I got hemorrhoids.
-7.05.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I saw my doctor last week and told him I broke my arm in 2 places. He told me to stay out of these places.
-7.06.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
And he didn't help me lose weight either. He told me to run 5 miles a day for two weeks. I called him and told him I was 70 miles away from my house.
-7.06.95
A woman arrives at a surgeon's home and knocks on the door; the doctor's 4 year old daughter answers.
"Is your father home?" the woman asks.
"Not right now," the little girl replies. "He's performing an appendectomy."
The woman leans down and says, "That's a mighty big word for a little girl like you. Do you know what it means?"
"Yeah," the little girl answers, "About $3,000, not counting the anesthesiologist."
- K.C. Mitchell, 7.07.95
Did you hear about National Childfree Adult Day, which honors those who have chosen not to have children? Apparently, child-free couples celebrate by going out and buying themselves really ugly ties and really cheap perfume.
- Paul Steinburg, 7.07.95
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University:
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It had no references.
3) It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
4) Some doubt he wrote it himself.
5) The scientific community can't replicate his results.
6) He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
7) When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects.
8) Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.
-7.10.95
From Laughlines, LA Times:
An elderly man is walking in the country when he sees a frog on the road. The frog tells the man, "If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman and grant your every desire." The old man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and continues walking.
"Hey," says the frog, "You didn't kiss me!"
Replies the old man: "Well, I thought it over and at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
-7.11.95
From Richard Lederer's "Anguished English":
Classified Classics (classifieds that mean more-- or less -- than they intended):
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
-7.14.95
Student bloopers:
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in "I am loved."
A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
During the years 1933-38, there were domestic problems at home as well as abroad.
-7.14.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife left me for my best friend. Now I don't have a dog.
-7.21.95
(From a comedian's appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW:)
Some schools don't give tests in grade school anymore. According to some educators, tests would put to much pressure on kids, cause them to fail, and scar them for life. All they teach in grade school now is self-esteem. 10, 15 years from now we're going to have an entire generation of young leaders who don't know anything, but feel very good about themselves.
-8.08.95
From Late Show with David Letterman:
Last Sunday was also the 50th anniversary of V-J (Victory over Japan) Day. New York had a huge celebration down in Time Square. There must have been 10,000 people right between the big Mitsubishi billboard and the Jumbo Sonytron.
-8.16.95
Police in Concord, California have arrested two men who robbed a pizza delivery guy after he delivered a pizza to their house. How lazy are people getting in this country when they won't even leave their house to commit a crime?
-8.22.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new report says that most New York cabs are really noisy and have lumpy seats. Coincidentally, the same goes for their drivers.
-8.23.95
Comedian Dennis Regan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I was watching the news and they had one of those polls where you call in and vote on an issue. You can call in "Yes," "No," or "Undecided," and "Undecided" caught 6% of the vote. This means that there are people in the this country who'll take time and spend money to call and tell us they can't make up their mind.
-8.25.95
Comedian Dennis Regan, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I read that 60% of the people who were murdered in this country knew the person that murdered them. I think the message is clear: You should stay away from the people you know.
-8.25.95
Comedian Dennis Regan from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Ever watch the TV show Cops? It's actually a pretty educational show. The most important thing I learned from watching that show is the one way to avoid being arrested is to wear a shirt.
-8.28.95
Comedian Dennis Regan from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
There was a cop on last night that described what it felt like to be shot by a bullet. He said it was just like being hit in the chest by a sledgehammer. Really clears it up for me.
-8.28.95
In California, some high schools are requiring students to wear uniforms. They say uniforms create a safe, stable environment. You know, like the post office.
-9.05.95
From Laughlines, LA Times:
A Russian went to a new car dealer to order a vehicle. Accustomed to long lines and delays, he listened as the salesman told him the car would be ready on May 17, 2000 AD.
"Morning or afternoon?" the buyer asked.
Angrily, the dealer said: "Does the time matter? It's five years from now."
"Well," the man replied, "the plumber is coming."
-Sid Lindenbaum
-10.03.95
From Laughlines, LA Times:
A young woman hurried from her office to the corner drug store for lunch. After placing her order, she got out a pack of cigarettes. As she prepared to light up, an elderly woman sitting next to her watched for a moment, then said in disgust: "I would rather commit adultery than smoke a cigarette."
"So would I," said the young woman, "but I only have 45 minutes for lunch."
-Grace MacCrea
-10.03.95
An Arizona brewer has come out with a new "chili" beer. It's essentially beer flavored with chili. Now, who exactly is this for? People who feel they're not spending enough time in the restroom?
-10.06.95
Pope John Paul the II visited the United States last week and held mass at Central Park. The Vatican reported that the real reason the Pope was at Central Park was to do research. The Vatican felt that after spending just 5 minutes at Central Park the Pope would be able to see every sin known to man.
-10.10.95
A couple got married on a Continental Airlines flight last week. They had the whole service on the plane. That's kind of odd don't you think? All your life you dream about walking down the aisle, the big moment comes and your stuck behind the beverage cart.
-10.17.95
From Late Show with David Letterman:
The mayor of New York City suspects that the Fulton Fish Market, a long time New York City landmark, is now being controlled by organized crime. There may be something to that. Today I went there for lunch and I ordered lobster, and they served it tied-up, face down, in a pool of butter.
The biggest selling product in China now is a "weight-loss" soap. You actually lose pounds when washing with this soap. Let me tell you something. If you're so filthy that you drop pounds when you take a bath, maybe weight isn't your biggest problem.
-10.26.95
An airline called Western Pacific is offering round-trip tickets for $59. The only restriction is that they don't tell you what city you're going to. So basically, you become your luggage.
-10.27.95
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
(more on America's Atheist Leader)
Madeline Mary O'Hare, who has been missing for several weeks has been found alive. Her supporters said they never lost faith because they never had any to begin with.
-11.01.95
In Chicago this week, police intercepted a bomb that someone had disguised as a book and sent to a judge. Imagine if the bomber had done that in L.A., it might be years before that book was open.
-11.03.95
The Department of Agriculture says that two pellets of rat fecal matter is now acceptable in every 2 kilograms of breakfast cereal. Actually, do you know what the technical name for grain and fecal matter in food is? A hot dog.
-11.06.95
From The Late Show with David Letterman:
The parking situation in Los Angeles is just as bad as it is in New York. For example, it costs a quarter to park for 15 minutes. Can you believe that? What can you do in Los Angeles in 15 minutes...except maybe return a verdict of not guilty.
-11.07.95
According to a new survey, Los Angeles is the world's least friendly city. I disagree. You can commit murder here and people will forgive you.
-11.08.95
Last week a court of appeals in London, England upheld the British military ban on homosexuals in the service. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Homosexuals being told they can't serve their country by a government guy wearing a robe and a powdered wig.
-11.10.95
From Bob Milby, Laughlines, LA Times:
A young boy asked his mother to tell him her age, height, weight, and why she got divorced. She refused to answer any of the questions.
Later, a friend told the boy to look at his mother's driver's license because it had all the information on it. So the boy went back to his house and sneaked his mom's license from her purse.
Later, he told his mother: "You are 38 years old, 5 foot, 6 inches tall and weigh 118 pounds."
"Well, smarty," she asked, "why did I get a divorce?"
Her son replied: "Because you got an F in sex."
-11.17.95
When the dean of a local university was informed that students were revolting, he replied: "I don't care what they look like, they're here for an education."
-Seymour Kass, L.A.
-11.17.95
Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
My wife, she can't cook...at my house we pray after we eat.
-11.22.95
Doctors say that cold and flu season has arrived. You can always tell when cold and flu season is when you go to the Sizzler's and can't see the salad through the sneeze guard.
-11.29.95
Comedian Mark Schiff, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Doctors are the only people that if they don't find anything wrong they still charge you. You know what you should do? Next time look into your wallet and say you can't find anything either.
-12.05.95
From The Late Show with David Letterman:
Last year at this time, a Tiffany employee was suing her bosses for abuse and humiliation. So basically, they were treating her like one of their customers.
-12.06.95
This holiday season, the two most popular gifts from men to women are exercise equipment and perfume. What exactly is that saying? "I don't like the way you look and you don't smell good either."?
-12.22.95
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