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A natural health expert says that before a night of heavy drinking and partying, here's what you should do: Eat one banana, 2 pieces of broccoli, an orange, red Jell-O, and a chocolate bar. It doesn't keep you from getting sick, it just makes it more colorful on the way back up.
-1.05.96

Last month, my aunt passed away. She was cremated. We think that's what did it.
-- Jonathan Katz
-1.12.96

Have you seen those commercials for Depends, where they show a couple dancing and the announcer says: "Depends, it's not just for people with bladder control problems." Who else are Depends for? Is this for guys who don't want to get off the couch during the whole Superbowl weekend?
-1.25.96

Dennis Miller, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Some people are so dumb...they think the number before 0 is blastoff.
-1.31.96

Purdue University researchers now say that eating a lot of hamburgers can prevent skin cancer. That's good...because if you eat a lot of hamburgers, you might have a lot of extra skin to protect.
-2.01.96

UCLA decided this week that it is wrong to give preferences based on race. They now say they want college admissions to be based on traditional standards such as how well you can throw a football and how much your dad gives to the alumni association.
-2.01.96

Comedian Chris Bliss, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Do you realize that of all the major religions, Christianity is the only one that has a messiah and that it is also the only one that allows the unrestricted eating of pork? As Christians, not only do we believe we have the only god, he also eats bacon.
-2.15.96

According to the oldest person in the world, a 121 year-old French woman, the secret to long life is to start every day with a little bit of olive oil. That's not new, Popeye's been doing that for years.
-2.26.96

Rogaine is finally available over-the-counter. The ads say you just rub it in and it'll grow hair. Well, how come it doesn't grow hair on your hand?
-2.28.96

Comedian Paula Bell, from her appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
The men in L.A. are so rude, especially with all the lines they come up with. For example, if a man tells you he likes to go for long walks, it means he doesn't own a car. If he says he enjoys romantic dinners at home, it means he's broke....
-2.28.96

Last night, about 9 p.m., the doorbell rings. A bunch of kids were standing there wearing their gang colors and demanding money. You know, those Girl Scouts are unbelievable.
-3.08.96

According to scientists, your brain uses your nose as a compass to help you travel in the right direction. This means the next time you drive to work and see the guy next to you picking his nose, he just might be lost.
-3.28.96

President Clinton called the Tennessee woman's basketball team to congratulate them on winning the NCAA Women's Title. It's unfair that the women don't get as much respect as the male players. In fact, did you know that woman players only receive 67% of what men receive in under the table cash from the alumni.
-4.02.96

ATMs can now charge you for each transaction you make at a machine that does not belong to your bank. Do you know what ATM stands for? A Theft Machine.
-4.08.96
 
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