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I think women get more excited about New Year's Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don't keep. You see, men do that all the time, it's called dating.... I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises, instead it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those - it's called a window. The big thing this year, instead of sending roses and chocolates, is to use your computer to send your girl a Valentine e-mail. Let me tell you something: if for Valentine's you sent your girlfriend a computer e-mail, you better be prepared for a month of computer sex. The movie "Sweet November" opened last week. It's about this dying woman who invites a different man to live with her every month. A different guy every 30 days. Gee, I can't imagine why she isn't healthy.... President Grover Cleveland could write in Latin one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Here's something I saw on the Discovery channel. Scientists say plans can warn each other of impending danger. What good is a plant warning other plants about danger? Can they do anything? 54% of women said they would rather have a perfect body than genius IQ. With a genius IQ, you could do whatever you want, but with a perfect body, you could get somebody else to do whatever you want.... According to a study by the University of Nebraska, elderly people who drink beer or wine four times a week have the highest bone density. Well, they need it - they're falling down the most. According to a new study, autistic children have longer ring fingers. Doctors say if a child's ring finger is his longest finger, he has a greater chance of being autistic. But, if his middle finger is his longest finger, he has a greater chance of becoming a cab driver. From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Have you seen these ads on TV for this new headache remedy from Excedrin called, "Tension Headache Cooling Pads." These are pads you put across your forehead to cool you off. You can understand the need for this product; it's not like every American has access to a wet rag.... A new reality show called "Chains of Love," aired on TV last week. One guy is chained to 4 women, and producers say it's just like "Survivor" because everyday someone gets thrown off the chain. If they want it to be like "Survivor," have the guy chained to 4 women with PMS. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men: they're a bunch of liars. In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don't translate to French either: military victory, deodorant.... Scientists say they have developed a pill that will restore the memory loss you get from drinking alcohol. Of course, if you're married, you won't need this pill because your wife will remind you of every stupid thing you've ever did. Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. Too many of us speak twice before we think. God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. What the Caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly. The Senate passed a bill last week that they say will overhaul our nation's school system. Under the new system, students will not automatically be passed on to the next grade -- unless they're athletes. Hilton Hotels has a new promotion now where they let guests keep the pillow. They figure if you stuff a pillow in your suitcase, you won't have room for towels, bathrobes.... A new survey of women in their 20s say that the number 1 quality a woman wants in a husband: the ability for him to share his innermost feelings. When these same women are asked the question in their 40s, they'll settle for a guy who doesn't make disgusting noises when he eats. Comedian Arj Barker from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Some people are asking why did Beijing, China get the 2008 Olympics. The word is China got the Olympics under the theory that giving a country the international spotlight will help them correct their human rights violations. It worked so well for Hitler in 1936.... In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the "Star-Spangled Banner," but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to "Oh, Canada," which is really pathetic considering the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh, Canada." A new study says overweight people suffer heart attacks at a younger age than people of normal weight. I believe this study was conducted by the Center for the Incredibly Obvious. From Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi: From Charles Dickens: Anonymous: From Edwin Markham: From Margaret Mead: From Edmund Burke: Shark experts say you should avoid swimming alone. They say it's always best to swim with a group of people - or as sharks call that, a buffet. Comedian Arj Barker from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Comedian Tom Dreesen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: A pharmaceutical company announced they have created a migraine headache machine, which they say doctors can use to feel what it's like to have a migraine. Don't we have that already? It's called a karaoke machine. We're going after caves Bin Laden is known to hide in. is this a good idea? If you bomb the she and miss, aren't you just creating a new cave? Apparently, the Red Cross has only given about 25% of the $564 million it raised for the September 11 attack. The Red Cross says there's a perfectly good reason for this, and as soon as they find out what it is, they'll tell us. Now that the Taliban have fled, for the first time in 6 years men in Afghanistan are shaving. They're like the women of France…. The U.S. commander announced that the Marines have established a base in Afghanistan and the commander said, "The New York Ballet could not have orchestrated an intricate movement more flawlessly." Is this the best compliment to give a group of hardened Marines? The new airline security bill calls for security employees to be federalized union workers. Not only will they be incompetent, they'll also be able to go on strike,too. A tobacco company is now coming out with tobacco breath mints. Breath mints made from tobacco. How bad is your breath when tobacco is an improvement? There's now a new drug they say is supposed to cure shyness. Didn't that used to be called alcohol? Have you seen these magazine ads for the new Canadian Mist Whiskey Holiday Bottle? They say the bottle is easier to hold on to. Of course, the only thing you won't be able to hold on to is your job, your marriage, your license, your family…. The Pentagon said this week that they are reviewing their don't ask, don't tell policy. How do you investigate a policy when you can't ask anything and nobody can tell you anything? You ever notice how some stores are located next to other stores that really shouldn't be located next to that store? Like at the Burbank mall here, the Haagan-Daz and Victoria's Secret are located next to each other…. Have you heard of this website called Giftcertificates.com? they say if you don't know what to give someone, give them a gift certificate to their favorite store. And, if you don't know what their favorite store is, you can give them something called a "super certificate" that is redeemable at any store. Isn't that called money? |
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