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Why do they pass out noisemakers on New Year's Eve? You've been drinking all day - do you need help making noise? Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse - you get drunk, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep, the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date…. The Department of Transportation announced last week that it is going to ease the requirements for hiring airport security. Airport security guards will no longer have to have a high school diploma. Does this make sense? Even terrorists make their people go to terrorist school. K-Mart wants to make it clear: they will still honor all K-Mart gift certificates. That's when you know someone really doesn't like you. Not only do they make you shop for your own gift, they make you do it at K-Mart. Looks like the "X-Files" going off the air. If you've never seen the program, it's about 2 federal agents who spent 9 years looking for aliens but never actually caught one. Just goes to show you how hard it is to fire someone from a government job. "Lord of the Rings" continues to do pretty good at the box office. If you haven't seen it yet, it's about a little gold ring that a young man has in his pocket as he travels around the world - kind of like married guys on a business trip. According to a new study, it is not a good idea to give a woman with PMS chocolate because it can make the condition worse. On the other hand, it's an even worse idea to take chocolate away from a woman with PMS… According to a recent survey, 13% of women say they've said, "I love you," to a man just to get that man to have sex with her. The other 87% said "I love you," to a man just to get rid of the guy. The average female figure skater weighs 90 pounds, or as supermodels call them, big fat cows. According to the American Department of Agriculture, Americans are eating four times as much Mexican food as it did 20 years ago. Well, of course, we have four times as many Mexicans. Two doctors in Britain have developed a line of sterile maggots for cleaning and disinfecting wounds. So apparently Britain has HMOs, too. According to the latest statistics, a half a billion people currently using the Internet. But since most of them have AOL, only 20 or 30 of them actually get online…. From Dorothy Nevill: From Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931): This weekend the Los Angeles Times hosted the annual "L.A. Festival of Books." Books in L.A.? When did that happen? According to a new study at Duke University, depressed women live longer. Well, that should cheer them up - not only is your life miserable, it's going to go on for a long time. Have you seen the ads for this new show called "Crime & Punishment"? they call it a real life "Law & Order," with real crimes committed by real people. Didn't that used to be called the news? According to a new study, 50% of Americans are not getting enough exercise. We hear this all the time. You want Americans to exercise more, make the remote heavier…. According to a recent survey of job applicants, 44% said they had some lies on their resume. The other 56% had all lies. According to a new "USA Today" poll, 79% of Major League Baseball players are in favor of testing for steroids. You know what you call the other 21% of the players? The All-Stars. More and more talk on the use of steroids in baseball. You know one of the side effects of taking steroids? Shrinkage of the male reproductive organ. That's why baseball players are always grabbing themselves - just checking to make sure it's still there. Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none. Garbage trucks in Taiwan will soon be broadcasting English lessons from their loud speakers to help their citizens learn how to speak English. They said if it works, they might try it in Southern California. According to a new survey, Germans are the best-behaved tourists in the world. It's only when they march into your country and want to stay forever, that's when it gets testy…. Pringles announced they are coming out with a new wide mouth can for their potato chips. They say Americans have been complaining that their hands are too fat to get them into the normal size can. Pringles new slogan is "From Our Wide Can to Your's." Australian researchers say they have developed a powder made from a byproduct of cheese that heals wounds in lab rats at twice the normal rate. How frustrating is that? You get your head stuck in a trap and the only thing that can save you is just out of reach. This one is in the refrigerator. The door's closed, the lights are out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard, and the Jell-O is jiggling. According to a new study by the University of Georgia, people looking for love should be careful to avoid narcissists. They said these are people that talk endlessly about their social status and success, they're rude to people who they believe to be below them (like waiters and waitresses), they love to draw attention to themselves, and they proudly display their material possessions. So, in other words, if you're dating, stay out of L.A. The "Wall Street Journal" reporting that women are paying up to $8,000 for nipple-enhancement surgery. The idea is to make themselves more attractive by having their nipples stick out under their clothes. Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to turn on the air conditioning? Comedian Joston McKinney from his appearance on From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: From Saint Augustine (354-430): Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW starring Johnny Carson: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called, "Ultra," which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker - aren't those called women? According to a new study, children that snore get lower grades; especially if they're snoring in class. According to a new survey, people who eat lobster are less likely to get depressed. Of course they're less likely to get depressed - they're eating lobster. A new study released says the drug ecstasy can damage key areas of the brain. Here's my question: which part of the brain is not a "key area"? I see an ad for the Chevy Avalanche, which is a fine vehicle, but is that the best name for a car? The Avalanche? Anything good ever happen to anybody in an Avalanche? Two out of every five men said they would rather choose love over money and health. That's what every woman is looking for, a broke, sick guy to fall in love with. |
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