|
New Year's in Los Angeles can be scary. I heard so many gun shots, I thought I was at the White House. From Laughlines, Los Angeles Times: Bill Clinton is already preparing for 1996. He's gotten quotes from U-Haul, Allied, and Mayflower Movers. Al Gore recently learned how to balance a pencil on his nose, thus making him the most valuable vice president ever. Clinton's State of the Union was 81 minutes long, the lengthiest speech of its kind. The shortest State of the Union address was George Washington's, which was under 10 minutes. Well, of course, if a politician never tells a lie, there's not much to say. Clinton, in his State of the Union Address said we should try our best to end illegal immigration. California's already doing its part. We've got earthquakes, mudslides, riots, fires.... A man was trying to threaten Bill Clinton by sending him a mail bomb. The guy's not too bright though...he tried to fax it. Secretary of the Treasury, Robert Reuben, has endorsed a plan that would allow banks to merge with insurance companies, thus allowing them to produce a new race of super boring human beings. ABC is canceling the sitcom Full House. In its last episode, Newt Gingrich comes to place the kids in an orphanage. New York state has passed a bill to reinstate the death penalty. I guess this means all this time New Yorkers have been killing each other illegally. Clinton said that if baseball teams continue to use replacement players, he will not throw out the first pitch. Why's that? His whole cabinet is full of replacements. According to the government's General Accounting Office, the nation's parks are in deep financial trouble. In fact, Smokey the Bear is said to have started some forest fires for insurance money. Scientists say that monkeys can be taught to think, lie, and play politics in their community. Now, if we can teach them to drink and cheat, we can save millions in congressional salaries. A federal judge has ruled that the Clinton Administration's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy is illegal. Actually, "Don't ask, don't tell" didn't originate in the Clinton Administration. It began when somebody asked, "What's inside a hot dog?" Comedian Jack Coen, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW: President Clinton attended a fund raiser dinner at Steven Spielberg's house last weekend. It was a $25,000 a plate dinner. Here's the embarrassing part: Although it was $25k a plate, organizers apparently lost money because Clinton ate so much. Bob Dole made the announcement this week that he's running for President. He says he'll be a one-termer. I guess he must be running as a Democrat. Pete Wilson announced that he might be running for President. You know things are really bad in California when even the Governor tries to get a job out of state. There is now a monthly newsletter for people who have too much money and feel the psychological burden of being rich. A section of the newsletter gives advice on how to cope. For example, it says that you should get together with other rich people and talk about your problems with them. I think that's how the Republican Party first started. The Supreme Court has ruled that there is no Constitutional right to physician-assisted suicide. But if Bill Clinton wants to run for reelection that's his business. Last Thursday, on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," Newt Gingrich gave his daughter a chance to see and do some of the things he does. She toured the Capitol, shadowed her dad, and spent the rest of the day criticizing President Clinton's daughter. Officials at Novato, California are ordering cat owners to implant small microchips into their cats in case the cats wander off at night. In fact, it's working so well that Hillary Clinton ordered two -- one for Socks and one for Bill. Pete Wilson is fighting off accusations of having hired an illegal alien as a housekeeper. He blames his wife and says that he didn't know his wife had hired someone to clean the house. Wilson's just like every guy, thinking that the house cleans itself. It now looks like Pete Wilson's hiring of an illegal alien will be the first political scandal of the 1996 Presidential race. His defense is he never met her, and if he did, he doesn't remember her and can't even recall her name. Political experts call this the Clinton defense. Some senate Republicans have approved a bill that abolishes the national speed limit. This is good news for drivers of the Ventura Freeway. This means you may be able to get up to 8 mph. The Clinton Administration has proposed trade sanctions on Japanese cars that would double their sticker price. Car salesmen are furious. Doubling the sticker price is their job. The ethics committee is investigating whether Senator Packwood illegally used his influence to get his then wife a job. Personally, I think he did. If you're Bob Packwood and you're hitting on 20-30 women a day, you want to keep your wife as busy as possible. Dan Quayle said in a speech that he was going to do whatever he could to make sure Clinton remains a one-term president. I guess that means he's going to be Clinton's running mate. A pizza delivery man with a gun jumped the White House fence last week. He was apparently yelling, "Save the country! Save the country!" The Secret Service was shouting, "Save the President! Save the President!" Clinton shouted, "Save the pizza! Save the pizza!" President Clinton signed into law the Paperwork Reduction Act of 1995. He signed it in triplicate and had copies distributed to everybody. Senator Phil Graham is out campaigning for President. He said we should stop building prisons like Holiday Inns. He's right. Let's build them like Ritz's, charge the inmates $20 a cheeseburger, and see how they like being robbed. The NRA just held its annual convention at Phoenix. These are tough times for the NRA; because of budget concerns, they had to lay off 6 senators. It happened again. An unarmed man climbed over the fence of the White House last Friday. That guy must be out of his mind. Who would go into that neighborhood unarmed? McDonald's has introduced the "Superhero" burger, a tie-in to the new Batman movie. This is a burger with 3 meat patties in it. If the voters don't finish Clinton in '96, this will. After being rescued by the Marines, Capt. Scott O'Grady was invited to the White House by President Clinton. He may decline the invitation though; he's already had enough people shooting at him the last few days. President Clinton told rescued pilot Scott O'Grady that he was surprised O'Grady could survive for 6 days eating nothing but slugs, ants, and bugs. O'Grady told Clinton he was surprised Clinton could survive for a day eating just Big Macs, McNuggets, fries.... Apparently, the two got along fine and even exchanged war stories. O'Grady described how he avoided the Serb military and Clinton described how he avoided the American military. Do you think Batman would make a good president? It's hard to figure out what party he would be a member of. He's a millionaire who's tough on crime so he could be a Newt Gingrich Republican. Then again, he keeps changing identities so he could be a Bill Clinton Democrat. But then again, with those ears he could be a Ross Perot Independent. Senator Trent Lott on Meet the Press, said that Republicans use the right side of their brains, while Democrats use the left side of their brains. This confirms what we've said all along: No matter what side they're on, politicians are working with just half a brain. President Clinton announced that he is for affirmative action for women. If any women offer him action he will answer affirmative. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Chicago Congressman Mel Reynolds is being charged with having sex with an underage girl. Somehow I don't think this was what Chicago voters had in mind when he promised to make teenage pregnancy his number one priority. Reynolds' defense was that all he had was phone sex with the girl, no physical contact. That's typical of politicians. Most would rather talk about what they're going to do than actually do it. Jesse Jackson has announced plans to recall Governor Pete Wilson and has accused Wilson of spending too much time running for president. If there's one thing Jesse Jackson is an expert on, it's spending too much time running for president. Last week, Republicans beat Democrats 6-0 in their traditional softball game. Actually, politicians have a lot in common with professional baseball players. They're rude to the people who pay their salary, they both work only 2 hours a day, and at least once in their career they're both going to get caught stealing. Republican Congressman Jerry Lewis (not the actor) had his car stolen in Washington, D.C. for the forth time in 3 years. The car was parked at the Capitol and Lewis got there just as the thief was pulling away. When Lewis yelled, "Stop thief" a hundred congressmen just froze. Politicians are still pushing for the V-Chip, a chip that goes into your television and blocks out any shows that contain sex or violence. I don't think it's necessary. If you don't want people to watch certain programs, put them on CBS. From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher: According to Vanity Fair magazine, there are allegations that Newt Gingrich had affairs with campaign workers, had sex in car with a friend's wife, and had sex on a desk. We've all heard of Reagan Democrats, this may be the first Clinton Republican. There's been a whole slurry of broadcast mergers lately. As you know, Disney bought ABC and Westinghouse had made an offer to buy CBS. Now, there is speculation that the Home Shopping Channel is merging with C-Span. This makes it possible to buy a politician without leaving the house. From The Late Show with Conan O'Brien: Last Sunday was the birthday of former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. However, she said she didn't need a party, she could entertain herself. Part of Mike Tyson's strategy for his upcoming fight is to not have sex before his return to the ring. He said if you want to win, you should abstain from sex before a big event. If Mike Tyson's strategy is valid, I guess that means the 1996 election could be the toughest decision of Bill Clinton's life. Senator Bill Bradley said he would not run again for the Senate and instead hinted that he may run for President. You got to admire Bradley's confidence; he feels he can do anything. That's common among ex-professional athletes. In fact, some even think they can get away with murder. Senator Bob Packwood, in a stunning reversal, said he wants public hearings on these sexual harassment allegations. He said he feels some of his accusers are liars. He may be right. You don't spend 25 years in the U.S. Senate without knowing a good liar when you see one. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Remember Gary Hart? The former Senator says he's thinking about getting back to politics. That makes sense. Who better to fill the vacancy left by Bob Packwood and Mel Reynolds. We finally heard the tapes: It's offensive to Blacks, insulting to women, downright disrespectful to Mexican-Americans, but enough about Pete Wilson's presidential announcement. According to a new study, September is the month when men are their most sexually active. Oh...that's why Clinton sent Hillary to China. Democratic Governor Edwin Edwards of Louisiana is recovering from heart bypass surgery. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that procedure, a heart bypass is the first step a Democrat takes when he wants to become a Republican. Phil Gramm is running for President and says he's tougher on welfare than Bob Dole. This is the problem of having 8 conservative Republican candidates: They have to be more extreme to stand out from the other candidates. In fact, did you hear about Pat Buchanan's new immigration policy? He said if he's elected, he will invade Mexico and arrest illegal immigrants before they even come to the United States. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Hillary Clinton, in a speech at the International Women's Conference, criticized Third World countries for human rights violations, for mistreating women, for mistreating minorities, and for illegal police action. Aren't we lucky that kind of stuff doesn't happen in Los Angeles? The Senate Ethics Committee has voted 6-0 to expel Senator Packwood from the Senate. Personally, I find that unbelievable. Where do you find six senators who qualify to be on an ethics committee? People keep wondering if former General Colin Powell is going to run for president. Political analysts say the reason Powell would be a very popular candidate is because no one knows where he stands on the issues. Don't we already have a President like that? In his new book, General Colin Powell said that to be a successful politician requires a calling he does not yet hear. Here's my question: If Colin Powell didn't hear it, how did Sonny Bono hear it? Delegates at the World Conference on Women officially declared that women have the right to say no to sex. Today Clinton said he would veto that bill if it reaches his desk. Former Senator Bob Packwood has admitted to being a liar as well as a drunk. You know what that makes him in the Senate? Overqualified. John F. Kennedy, Jr. has introduced his new political magazine called George. In the issue, there's an article by Madonna called, "If I were President." Imagine Madonna as President. And you thought there were a lot of signs saying George Washington slept here. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Pete Wilson's campaign staff said that Pete Wilson is qualified to be President of the United States because as governor of California, he has presided over the four worse disasters in American history: the '92 Riots, the '93 Fires, the '94 Earthquakes, and the '95 Angels. According to the Federal Election Committee, 170 people and 1 dog have officially filed to run for the Presidency of the United States. Do you know why dogs don't make good politicians? They're loyal. The hot rumor in Washington, D.C. is that President Clinton and Hillary went skinny dipping in the White House pool. Here's my question: If Clinton does it, can you really call it skinny dipping? Actually, their skinny dipping was part of their 20th year anniversary celebration. In fact, Bill told Hillary that he wanted to celebrate by acting out a wild and crazy fantasy...Hillary is going to pretend to swear him in for a second term. Boris Yeltsin was caught harassing two female assistants as he walked into a meeting. I feel sorry for those Russian people: They got a president with low popularity and no foreign policy who can't keep his hands off of women. Well, they wanted an American-style of government. The White House had a screening of The Scarlet Letter last week. If you haven't seen it, the movie is about a woman who has an affair with a married man and to her dying day, no matter what they do to her, she doesn't reveal who the married man was. Today, President Clinton said he liked the movie and that for women she is an excellent role model. Newt Gingrich says he sees the whole problem between Quebec wanting to separate from Canada as a warning to the United States. He says that it shows what could happen in our country if the next generation uses two languages. I don't know what he's worried about. With the way the current education system is, the next generation will barely know one language. At a news conference last week, Powell said that he would not be running for president. He gave honest answers, spoke truthfully, and didn't evade any of the hard questions. So right there, you knew he wasn't presidential material. Colin Powell said running for president was a calling he does not hear; as opposed to Ross Perot, who keeps hearing a calling that just isn't there. They say now that Powell is out, Newt Gingrich may run for president. Here's what we know so far about Newt: He dodged the draft, has admitted to smoking marijuana, and was accused of having affairs with campaign workers. Here's the amazing part, he's the alternative to Bill Clinton. President Clinton announced that inspite of the budget impasse, he is leading us into a new chapter in American history -- Chapter 11. The U.S. Government is so broke that NASA has aimed the Hubbell telescope at Earth just to look for spare change. The big news is that the government shutdown is finally over...all government employees are back to work. I had a hunch they would settle the impasse this week; because you know, Thanksgiving is this Thursday and they didn't want to miss the 4 day weekend. On Monday, Bill Clinton is leaving for a trip to England. Boy, he doesn't waste anytime...Princess Di admits she plays around and Clinton's on the first flight out. Pat Schroeder announced she is retiring. It's nice for a change to see a woman calling a press conference to retire from Congress instead of a Congressman retiring because a woman is calling a press conference. According to a new study, more than half of American high school and college students lack a basic understanding of American history. That's good news for Oliver Stone -- he's got a movie coming out. |
| Copyright © 1994-2009 pht Contact Us | Subscribe | Terms of Use |