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Diversity still the key to the Bush Cabinet. Just to give you an idea how diverse he's getting, he appointed Dr. Dre to Surgeon General.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Clinton named 3 things he'll like to do before he leaves Office - the Dixie Chicks! From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week the "New York Daily News" called George W. Bush the "Crying President" because he cried 5 times since being elected. "Crying President"? You see how many guys he executed? He should be called, the "Frying President." One of Bush's controversial appointments is Senator John Ashcroft for Attorney General. He's a fundamentalist, he doesn't believe in drinking, he doesn't believe in smoking, he doesn't believe in partying. The question is, how did he meet George W. Bush? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Senator John Ashcroft tried to answer charges that he is insensitive to minorities by having an African-American hold a press conference and speak for him. What better way to prove you're not insensitive to minorities than making a black guy work on Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday.... Former Labor Secretary nominee Linda Chavez apparently has let an illegal immigrant from Guatemala live in her home and do odd jobs around the house. But Linda Chavez says it's okay, but she was never actually paid for any of the work she did. I think that's called slavery.... Last week in Washington, the FDR Memorial was unveiled. It showed FDR in his wheelchair - something few people saw when he was alive. Back then the press had an unwritten rule that they would only photograph FDR from the waist up; a practice they brought back with President Clinton. Did you see President Bush dancing at those inaugural balls? It looked like it was against his nature - it's like watching Kobe playing defense. This has been a tough week for former President Bill Clinton. Last week he was president of the United States, this week he has nobody to do.... Al Gore has taken a job as professor of journalism at Columbia University. He is going to be what they call a visiting professor, which means he'll work about 3 weeks a year. So, it's about the same schedule he had as Vice-President.... The Wall Street Journal reported that the Republican Party is considering coming out with its own credit card. The way it works is that you run up a huge bill and you let the next guy pay it off. President George W. Bush has instituted a new dress policy for the White House - no blue jeans in the West Wing. It's very different from the Clinton policy - no pants in the Oval Office. Bush trying to win over the African-American voter. In fact, today he started using his rap name, Notorious DUI. February is Black History month, which led Jesse Jackson's wife to say to Jesse, "You're black. You're history." The "Washington Post," is reporting that after Al Gore's concession speech, he had a huge fight with Bill Clinton - actually screaming at each other. He blamed Clinton for causing him to lose because of his sex scandals and Clinton blamed Gore for running a horrible campaign. And for the first time, they were both right. Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. So, it's not just for male strippers anymore. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Looks like more problems for former President Clinton. A government lawyer in charge of pardons at the Justice Department said that the regular procedure was not followed in the pardon of Marc Rich. And today Clinton said, "What are you talking about? A guy gave money, I gave him a pardon. That is regular procedure...." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Russia has a serious problem: it seems the population of Russia is dying off and they need a dramatic increase in their birthrate immediately. Now that's a diplomatic mission that's perfect for Jesse Jackson. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to this week's "Time" magazine, President Bush is a serious fitness buff. Apparently, he works out 60 to 90 minutes a day. They say he adheres to the theory, "Healthy body, healthy mind." To tell you what great shape he's in, today Bush's doctors said although Bush is in his mid-50s, he has the mind of a 10 year-old. President Bush now defending his weakening of his environmental policies. He spoke very passionately today while eating a dolphin sandwich off his new ivory desk.... Bill Clinton is on his way to India and he stopped at Heathrow Airport and bought himself a $12 cigar. So apparently he's dating a better class of woman now.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Both President Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney released their income tax figures for last year. President Bush made $894,000. Dick Cheney made $36 million. The Vice-President made 40 times more than the President. That doesn't seem right - it's not like Dick Cheney is 40 times smarter than Bush.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week President Bush hosted a T-ball game on the White House lawn for 5 and 6 year-olds kids. They're not sure which team won because with T-ball you don't actually keep score - kind of like the voting in Florida. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Anybody hear about the runaway train in Ohio carrying hazardous materials - and when they finally stopped it, nobody was onboard the train. So, it was moving forward, endangering the environment, and yet nobody was in charge. Kind of like the Bush administration. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush has appointed a new drug policy director, a gentleman by the name of John P. Walters, who is known for his tough approach to fighting drugs. In fact, he will be George Bush's first drug advisor since college. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week Senator James Jefford from Vermont left the Republican Party and became an Independent. He said he did it to follow his conscience and principles. That's why he became an Independent. If you have a conscience and principles you can't be a Republican or Democrat. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Dick Cheney called last week for the construction of new nuclear plants and the swift re-licensing of older plants to increase the power supply. He said the American people have a choice: you can either sit in the dark or you can glow in the dark. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush told Florida officials that he was surprised they had blackouts in that state too. And then somebody told him, "It's just night time...." According to a recent report, Americans spend more money on pornography than they do on political campaigns. Last year we spent $11 billion on pornography and only $1.2 on politics. That's the great thing about Bill Clinton - with him you got both. The White House released their financial disclosure forms. Turns out vice-president Dick Cheney is worth somewhere between $20 million and $69 million. Try to be that vague on your tax return, because maybe you'll be serving somewhere between 10 and 25 years in prison.... Last week, President Bush was in Florida at the Everglades, and said the destruction of the environment is not inevitable. He said it requires the cooperation of the oil companies, the coal companies, and nuclear power all working together. Seems that Jenna "Anheuser" Bush has taken up a new musical instrument: she's learning how to play the breathalyzer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush is taking the issue of global warming very seriously. In fact, he said we're going to have to burn an awful lot of oil, gas, and coal if we expect to air condition this entire planet. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush is continuing his European tour. Last week he was in Spain, or as he call it, "the Capitol of Mexico." Hundreds of protestors demonstrated outside of NATO last week and a majority of them were against Bush. Which, of course, didn't bother him because the last time a majority was against Bush, he was elected President. Bush was in Belgium and said he has high hopes for the cease-fire in the Mid-East between the Israelis and Palestinians. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands the Middle East. He said this whole thing will work out if the Muslims and the Jews just started acting like good Christians. Bush said that being in Europe is not that big of an adjustment for him. He said in a lot of European countries they drink a lot and drive on the other side of the road. Just like he used to.... Bush told the European nations that the United States is responsible for 20% of the world's greenhouse gases and we will not rest until we are 100% responsible. The other night at the White House, President Bush had dinner with archrival John McCain. In fact, the staff at the White House said they haven't seen that many dirty looks over dinner since Bill and Hillary were eating together. President Bush working on his plan to give religious groups federal dollars. There's just some paperwork first, like what to do with the Constitution. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has just published a book on how to run your business called, "Rudy's Rules." This guy has admitted he's broke, he's impotent, he has massive legal problems, and his ex-wife is after him. Why would you want his advice on anything? Good news for environmentalists: the House passed a bill to protect rhinos and tigers from extinction. As you know, President Bush trying very hard to improve his image among environmentalists. He said in the next few years he would like to reintroduce rhinos and tigers back into our National Park system.... It is being reported that former President Clinton signed a deal to write two books about his life. That's classic Clinton, isn't it? The only guy in the world who tells two different versions of his own life story. In Washington this past weekend, someone walked into a Congressional Hearing room and stole a laptop computer. The guy was stealing from politicians. Today police charged him with irony. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The big controversy in Washington now is over vice president's Dick Cheney wanting the Navy to pay his $186,000 electric bill. Hey, they're getting off easy. They're lucky they don't have to pay his ambulance bill. Republican's want to know why the Navy won't pay for it, Democrats want to know why Cheney won't pay for it, and Californians want to know why his electric bill is so low.... President Bush met the with Queen last week for the very first time. I think they hit it off. The Queen never won the popular vote, she inherited the job from her father, and they both have embarrassing relatives. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The new "Planet of the Apes" movie opened this weekend. They're saying it's not a remake, it's not a sequel, it is a "retelling" - it's a totally different story using the original characters and the original setting. Kind of like what Gary Condit told the cops last week. President Bush said he would not sign the Democrats version of the Patients' Bill of Rights because he said that would allow unlimited lawsuits against insurance companies. Or, as they would call it in other countries, democracy.... For the past few days, Congress has been debating the ethics of cloning. For many in Congress this is their first experience with the subject - not with cloning, but ethics.... The House finally passed a bill that would ban all forms of human cloning. The Bill claims that cloning is irresponsible use of human DNA. And, if there's any body that knows about irresponsible use of human DNA, it's our United States Congress. Before he went on his month-long vacation, President Bush had a complete physical at Bethesda Naval Hospital. He had 12 doctors examine him and it turned out great, he's in tip-top shape. MRI showed nothing, CAT Scan showed nothing, x-ray of his head showed nothing.... President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said he thinks it's important for a president to spend time away from Washington. At least that's what Dick Cheney told him. President Bush went on a 4-mile hike down in Texas earlier this week in 100-degree heat. He walked 4 miles then finally admitted he didn't know where the ranch was. President Bush still trying to prove to reporters that he can still grasp international affairs while working at the ranch. Like the other day, he said he spoke to the King of Jordan and asked him about his return to the NBA. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week President Bush announced his decision on stem cell research. This was a tough one for Bush because no matter what decision he made, it was a no-win situation - kind of like what we had to go through during the last Presidential election. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The U.S. has decided to ban the cloning of human beings. Apparently, the great fear of cloning is that if you clone a human being, the 2nd generation won't have the same mental capacity as the first. Kind of like President Bush and his dad.... Although President Bush is on a month-long working vacation, aides said he does plan to read a number of mystery books. I think any book Bush picks up is a mystery book. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Gary Condit will be interviewed by Connie Chung on ABC's "PrimeTime Thursday." His people said he was considering giving the interview to Ed Bradley or Stone Philips, but he decided if he's going to lie to someone, he's more comfortable with women.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Economic picture not looking too good. They're now saying unless a budget deal is reached in the next 23 days, the Government will shut down on September 30th. If that happens, they send home all non-essential government employees - more vacation time for Bush! From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: An official in the Florida Democratic Party said they are very turned on by the fact that Janet Reno is entering the race. This is historic - this is the first time the words, "Janet Reno," and "turned on" have been used together at the same time. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Clinton said he is flew commercial flights four times last week to show America it's safe. Sounds like someone's got a crush on a flight attendant.... Bill Clinton revealed recently that while he was president, he kept a diary on tape - every day he would talk on the tape recorder. He has over 80 tapes, and now they're going to sell them. I believe it's $4.99 for the first minute, $2.99 each additional. Congressman Gary Condit has put his Washington condo up for sale for $130,000. It's a two-story condo: his story and the one he told police. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The other night in New York, President Bush got to throw out the first pitch of a World Series game. He's wearing a firefighter's jacket, he's throwing out the first pitch of the World Series, and he's President of the United States. He's living every 8 year-old boy's dream. The 53rd Annual Emmy's aired this weekend. The big winners were "The West Wing" and "Sex and the City." Remember the good old days when you had both show rolled into one with Bill Clinton? President Bush is urging American children to become pen pals with children from Islamic countries. That's a good idea - who's going to let their kid open a letter from Afghanistan…. President Bush was in Orlando last week to help boost tourism in Florida. While he was there, Vice-president Dick Cheney was helping to boost tourism in an undisclosed location. The news reported last week that president Bush had closed down a major terrorist organization that had been collecting millions and millions of dollars from the American people. I said, "Yes. The IRS is finished. Yes!" In Washington, there are still traces of anthrax in the Senate Office Building. Wouldn't it be ironic that after all these years living with Bill, Hillary catches something from the Senate? |
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