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From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: This is causing a huge controversy in the Middle-East. Seems someone has made the very first Arab-Israeli porno movie. It's a porno movie featuring a Palestinian woman and an Arab man. Wasn't that the Clinton peace plan? Democratic senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal injury attorney, has announced he is running for president in 2004. Good slogan, too: Elect me, there'll be one less lawyer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush said his new tax proposal will be fair to all incomes. The way it works is the more income you have, the fairer it will be. 43% of all new, incoming congressmen are millionaires. The other 57% are Democrats. They keep talking about this, but if Joe Leiberman wins, he will not be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands; that, of course, was Monica Lewinsky. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush said we will stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. That was the same policy he had in high school. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush said recently that the war is not about timetables, it's about winning. Worked in Florida…. We now have all of Saddam's palaces and residences. So, he has no place to live. If he thought president Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how the Republicans treat the homeless…. A lot of Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces; they're taking everything: the stationery, the ashtrays, even the grand piano. Reporters say they haven't seen looting like this at a presidential residence since Clinton's last days in office. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: I read that Al Gore wanted to visit the troops in Baghdad, but he canceled when he saw what they did to statues. Now that the war is over, a lot of people want president Bush to focus on the economy. Do you know who really wants Bush to focus on the economy? Syria. The "New York Post" is reporting that president Clinton is in Chappaqua, NY, writing his memoirs and Hillary Clinton is in Washington writing her's, which is amazing. Two people get paid millions of dollars to write memoirs about events they couldn't remember when they were under oath. Republican senator from Pennsylvania Rick Santorum is causing a lot of controversy with remarks he said about gays. He said, "I have no problem with homosexuals, I have a problem with homosexual acts." Maybe he's doing it wrong. Now that Saddam Hussein is gone, prostitutes have returned to Baghdad for the first time in 20 years. This proves that democratic government is right around the corner because anytime you have hookers, congressmen can't be far behind. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A new sing-along version of the "Wizard of Oz" will be coming to Broadway. An emcee will lead the audience through the movie's classic songs and then award prizes for the best costume. The show will make stops in L.A., Washington, DC, then goes to San Francisco for eternity. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: U.S. Treasurer Rosario Moran announced she is stepping down at the end of June. She didn't want to step down as treasurer, but when the government doesn't have any money, you don't need a treasurer. Congress has passed president Bush's $350 billion tax cut plan. The Bush Administration said this is great for people who don't have a job. You know, like the independently wealthy. President Bush is in the Middle East this week to promote his Middle East peace plan. I'm not quite sure Bush gets it. For example, he says everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush was at his parents' place in Maine and fell off one of those Segway scooter things. These things automatically balance, but Bush leans so far to the right…. …this is the first time that Bush has tripped on something other than a three-letter word. In Hillary Clinton's new book, she said she and Bill met at the Yale library. This surprised president Bush; he went to Yale, but he didn't remember a library…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Senator Hillary Clinton has called for a senate inquiry to review the credibility of the intelligence used to justify the war in Iraq and if the American people were misled. If there's something the Clinton's won't stand for, it's misleading the American people. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: At a $2,000 a plate fundraising dinner for president Bush the other night, Republicans dined on nachos and hot dogs. And at the event, president Bush said the economy is turning the corner. Well, of course he thinks the economy is turning the corner. He's surrounded by people who can afford to pay $2,000 a plate for nachos and hot dogs. The National Parks Conservation Association gave the Bush's administration a D- for the president's park policies; they're trying to humiliate Bush with this D-. I'm sure Bush is really worried…like this is the first D- he's received…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: This summer, experts are predicting extreme fire danger in Southern California. Meanwhile, up in northern California, Gray Davis is in extreme danger of being fired. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: On CNN, Governor Davis said he will not resign, he will not step down. Well, of course not. With the California economy…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Emmy award nominations were announced last week. How about president Bush…he got a nomination for Best Creative Writing for his State of the Union address. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The latest political rumor is that Ariana Huffington may run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor of California, which pretty much sums up California politics. You've got a Greek woman, an Austrian man, campaigning in English, in a state that speaks Spanish. Emmy award nominations were announced last week. How about president Bush…he got a nomination for Best Creative Writing for his State of the Union address. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: There's a new book out now that lists all the foreign countries that hate or resent the United States. It's called the world atlas. President Bush is in a lot of heat for using bogus intelligence. "Bogus Intelligence." Wasn't that Bush's nickname at Yale? The Vatican announced it is facing a $15 million deficit. I didn't know Governor Gray Davis was Catholic. Senator Bob Graham of Florida said that if we apply the same standards of impeachment to president Bush and Iraq as we did with Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, Bush would be impeached. I think these are two completely different situations. One president was invading Arab territory while the other president was invading Jewish territory. Former president Bill Clinton says he's coming to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign, which is ironic, isn't it? When Clinton was president, he couldn't recall anything. Political experts here in Los Angeles say they don't think LA mayor Jim Hahn getting a divorce will effect his standing with voters of LA. In fact, when asked if Jim Hahn getting a divorce would change how they feel about the man, 95% of the people in LA said, "Who the hell is Jim Hahn?" Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for the governor of California. What's amazing is that even his advisors said they were shocked by his decision to run. They had no idea. Who knew Arnold was that good an actor. Things are not looking too good for California governor Gray Davis. In the latest popularity polls, he is 3 points behind the movie, "Gigli." President Bush commented about the power outage last week. President Bush said we have to look at what went wrong, analyze the problem, and come up with a solution. Well, that's why he's President of the United States. Let's see what's happening with the recall election. As this gets closer, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a lot of challenges ahead of him. At some point sooner or later, he's going to have to pronounce the word, "gubernatorial." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed to get the budget under control. How bad are things in Sacramento when you need somebody from Hollywood to show you how not to go over budget? Have you heard Ariana Huffington's new catch phrase? No new taxes because I haven't paid the old ones. Donald Rumsfeld, our Secretary of Defense, has hired a gay activist as his special advisor on all major personnel decisions at the Department of Defense. Kind of a queer eye for the Pentagon guy. The Bush administration now wants to put a ban on gay marriages, and that could be frustrating. Always the wedding planner, never the bride. A company has come out with a George Bush action figure that commemorates his landing on an aircraft carrier earlier this year. The company says by posing Bush and making him talk, kids can get an idea of what it's like to be Dick Cheney. Arnold Schwarzenegger out today trying to get the minority vote. In fact, earlier today, Arnold told a group of African-American voters, "I'll be black." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Anybody watch the presidential candidates the other night? I don't want to say it was boring, but I asked my Tivo to record it and it asked why. Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante allegedly has taken $2.5 million from Indian tribes, all in quarters. According to the L.A. Daily News, Las Vegas odds makers are picking Cruz Bustamante to win the gubernatorial elections. How many casinos is this guy hooked up with? Peter Ueberroth has dropped out of the race for governor. People in the state are shocked - they had no idea he was running. Governor Gray Davis and former president Bill Clinton campaigned together this past Sunday in South-Central Los Angeles. As you know, Clinton is against the recall. In fact, for eight years when he was president, any time they asked him a question, he would say he didn't recall. Sesame Street and Merrill Lynch have teamed up for a program they call "Investing Pays Off." It's to teach 3 to 5 year-olds how to manage money. And, if it works there, they're going to try it up in Sacramento. President Clinton's cookbook came out last week; he got recipes from all these celebrities. And, of course since it's Clinton, every recipe features breasts and thighs. Al-Jazeera aired new footage of Osama Bin Laden calling Bush evil, calling him the great Satan, and calling him a warmonger. Basically, the same things we heard last week at the Democratic Presidential debates…. A federal appeals court postponed the recall election. The court said the ballot machines are outdated and prone to error. How ironic is that? The Terminator is screwed by the machines. Secretary of State Colin Powell says the U.S. cannot speed things up with Iraq. Powell says Iraq is not ready for self-government, at the moment can't be trusted to run a fair democratic election by itself. Apparently, neither can California. Recently a new cookbook written by former president Clinton came out. Think about this for a second: a couple of years ago did you ever think you would see the day where Bill Clinton would be writing a cookbook and Martha Stewart would be the target of an ethics probe? Bush's poll numbers appear to be slipping. They said if the election were held today, Bush has just a 4% lead over an unnamed Democrat. Which is pretty accurate because most people can't name any of the Democrats. How many watched the California gubernatorial debates this week? Arianna kept interrupting Arnold, attacking Arnold, going on…. I think I know why her husband turned gay. Cruz Bustamante keeps talking about his tough love policy for California. Don't confuse that with Davis' policy: that's tough luck. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Six women have come forward to say that over the last 30 years, Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. Once again, this just proves he'll be a hands-on governor. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: You are now starting to see a lot of negative ads about Arnold Schwarzenegger. But, you know, Arnold can take it. All his critics say he's not an administrator, he's an actor, he's not an environmentalist, he's an actor, he has no government experience, he's an actor. Arnold's thrilled, for the first time in his career, critics are calling him an actor. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: What do you call a Californian who can't figure out how to punch a ballot? A Florida voter. It is now being reported that when Cruz Bustamante finally got his college degree in 2003 he received credit for a class he never even intended. He said it wasn't an important course, ethics or something like that. Gray Davis' popularity is plummeting. Give you an idea how unpopular Davis is: today he called a prisoner on Death Row to pardon him -- guy wouldn't take his call. Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed his health care plan: every women gets a free breast exam. Do you know what Gray Davis is going to be for Halloween? Unemployed. Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California. We can now tell every other state that our governor can kick your governor's ass. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush says he wants to increase the number of Cubans allowed in the United States and says he is willing to help Cubans find safer routes to enter the country. I believe the first two routes are the American League and the National League. You know who sent condolences to the Cubs? Al Gore. He said he knows what it feels like to be screwed by Florida. Earlier this month was Bill and Hillary Clinton's anniversary. They celebrated by seeing the movie, "Kill Bill." National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice got in trouble last week when she referred to President Bush's stop in Japan as a layover. This angered the Japanese. They were so mad they were steamed at Rice. President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works because he's been testing it here since the day he took office. According to the "New York Post," Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad. Bush said the attacks on Iraq have caused terrorists to run. He's right. At last count, there were nine Democrats running against him. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Governor Gray Davis said the wildfires could be the worst disaster the state has ever faced. The good news for him: at least he moves down a notch. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush was in Disney World in Orlando and he spoke about his plan for healthcare for all Americans. I believe he delivered his address in FantasyLand. CNN admitted that they planted a question in the "Rock the Vote" debate last week. Seems they gave a college student from Brown University a question they had written. Luckily, it was a Democratic debate so nobody saw it. President Bush said his trip to England went so well that next time he would also like to visit the United Kingdom and Great Britain. At midnight Monday, almost all the electricity in Baghdad went out. The whole city, no electricity. Sounds like Gray Davis just started his new job. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: As part of his educational plan, presidential frontrunner Howard Dean announced plans to spend $110 billion on children, which, breaks Michael Jackson’s old record. American officials in Iraq are reportedly very frustrated with the Iraqi government because instead of making progress, the Iraqis are fighting over who’s going to be in charge and who’s going to make the most money. We said we wanted to give them an American-style democracy, sounds like they got it. The White House Christmas tree was delivered this week, an 18 feet tall fir tree from Wisconsin. President Bush said just the sight of it put him in the spirit of the season – the lodging season. Toy industry analysts say the talking Bill Clinton doll is outselling the talking President Bush doll. Actually, the Clinton doll is a better value because with the Clinton doll you get two answers to every question. According to “USA Today,” researchers now believe that as many as 5% of adults suffer from attention deficit disorder. Actually, a lot of famous people have attention deficit disorder; President Bush has it. You ever notice he has trouble focusing attention on the deficit. According to a new study, fourteen days of complete rest can be enough to drop your IQ by 20 points, which can be really scary when you consider Bush took almost the whole summer off. President Bush said he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get used to an environment where the air is unbreathable and there are no trees. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Saddam is being interrogated by the CIA and he’s claiming he doesn’t know anything about anything. So either he’s lying or his Vice-President ran the country, too. Want to wish our best to Secretary of State Colin Powell. I understand his prostate surgery was very successful. Although I understand now they’re going to change his name to Semi-Colin Powell. |
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