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President Bush said he is still eating beef. He said it’s safe and once we stop eating beef, that means the cows have won. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush gave a speech in Monterey, Mexico this week. It's the second largest crowd of Mexican citizens has ever addressed. The first time, of course, here in L.A. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon. Which would be a really big story if it were 1962. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush has announced plans to give green cards to millions of illegal immigrants who are willing to work in jobs we refuse to take – like coach of the Oakland Raiders. (more on green cards….) From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: As you know, earlier this week, President Bush gave his State of the Union address. It was interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words. President Bush said last night that Americans are the hardest working people in the world. Well duh, it's probably the economy -- everybody has to work two jobs. President Bush said that although robots have done well in space, humans still need to see, examine, and touch for themselves. You know who told him that? Arnold Schwarzenegger. President Bush also announced plans for a $1.5 billion election year drive to promote marriage. He also wants another billion dollars to send Americans to the moon. That’s when you know you have a big divorce problem in this country – when it costs more to keep a couple together than it does to send a man to the moon. President Bush said that American workers would need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the new skills we'll going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where all the jobs went. President Bush also spoke of the dangers posed by people who spread sexually transmitted diseases. Typical Republican -- always taking a shot at Clinton. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Here’s some good news: because the photos sent back show that everything seems to be quiet on the moon, today the Department of Homeland Security has downgraded Mars from the Red planet to the Yellow planet. President Bush came out against gay marriage. He came out for abstinence for teenagers and he came out against performance enhancing drugs. So he's against sex, drugs, and gays. Well, there goes California. Howard Dean announced that he will campaign in seven states. The states are rage, frenzy, fury, wrath, fervor, agitation, and delirium. I’m on the new Joe Leiberman diet: no matter what I do, I keep losing and losing. It’s starting to get nasty. During a recent debate, John Edwards said a President must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time. Shouldn’t the qualifications be a little tougher than that? One critic from the “Los Angeles Times” said the problem with John Kerry is that he looks like he’s thinking too much. This is one place where Bush has him beat. Former California governor Gray Davis has made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom, “Yes, Dear.” Must be nerve-wracking for him. Knowing that at any minute if he messes up he can replaced by an actor…again. President Bush expected to endorse a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. I don’t think President Bush really understands this whole gay marriage issue. Earlier today, he said he doesn’t have anything against gay guys, he just doesn’t want to see any of them marry his daughter. Former president Bill Clinton is all set to get $5 million for an upcoming episode of the reality show, “The Intern.” And that’s not even counting what he’s going to get under the table. Kerry is trying to appeal to the younger voter. The other night, he was on MTV’s “Choose or Lose,” and said he was fascinated by rap and hip-hop. In a related story, president Bush said he was fascinated by shiny objects. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Condoleeza Rice was Methodist, but became Presbyterian. You know what that means? She’s converted Rice. We have to thank president Bush – he made it a lot easier for people to do income taxes this year. No jobs, no income. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: They had a profile of John Kerry on the news the other day. They said his first wife was worth $300 million and his current wife is now worth $700 million. So when John Kerry said he was going after the wealthy in this country, that wasn’t just talk. One of John Kerry’s advisors said there are two John Kerry’s. There’s the Indoor John that agonizes over decisions and the Outdoor John that takes bold, decisive action. Outdoor John. Isn’t that a port-a-potty? President Bush is on a bus visiting small towns in Michigan and Ohio because he said, “I find it really fun to go to a place where they don’t expect the President to come.” So, the next place he’s going: a bookstore. John Kerry’s wife, Teresa Heinz, was on the cover of a newspaper magazine, and it said if he is elected president, she would be the oldest First Lady in American History. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry. He said that to him, she looks like a million bucks. According to Bob Woodward’s new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq. He quoted the Pottery Barn rule: you break it you bought it. President Clinton believed in the Home Depot rule: you either screw it or nail it. President Bush said the Iraqis are now in a position to take power. The bad news for President Bush, so are the Democrats. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Strip clubs in Wisconsin are organizing voter registration drives to get voters to vote for John Kerry because they are afraid of President Bush’s conservative agenda; Bush might close down the strip clubs. Well, I can see why strippers would be for John Kerry, they have almost as many positions as he does. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: John Kerry said that a vote for Ralph Nadar is a vote for George Bush. Today Bush said he was voting for Ralph Nadar. President Bush celebrated his 80th birthday last weekend by doing a parachute jump out of his airplane. He said he did it to prove that 80 year-olds can do fun and interesting things. I think Hugh Hefner already proved that. Last week John Kerry has been interviewing possible vice-presidential candidates. It’s not an easy process being John Kerry’s vice-presidential nominee. Each candidate is expected to have at least two answers to each question. President Bush said that the United States will make sure that Saddam Hussein stands trial after we hand control to Iraq at the end of the month. He said he will make sure that Saddam does not take advantage of the Iraqi justice system and get away with murder…like the way famous people do here. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Earlier this week, John Kerry threw out the first ball before the Yankee/Red Sox game in Boston. In fact, Kerry asked where they wanted him in the field because he could take any position. Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats because the Democrats are like the Red Sox: they're optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer, ready to choke in the fall. Earlier this week, John Kerry threw out the first ball before the Yankee/Red Sox game in Boston. In fact, Kerry asked where they wanted him in the field because he could take any position. Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats because the Democrats are like the Red Sox: they're optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer, ready to choke in the fall. The big story in Washington is that the Bush Administration is desperate to find Osama Bin Laden before the elections and it looks like they're finally using all their intelligence capabilities in this hunt. In fact, today they typed his name into Google. John Kerry said at a recent campaign rally that the middle initial, “W,” in Bush’s name stands for wrong. Bush fired back in his typical style and said the middle initial, “F,” in Kerry’s name stands for phony. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Clinton’s hospitalization is bad news for Kerry because Clinton was supposed to campaign for Kerry for the next few months. Today, Al Gore called John Kerry and said he could step in and do it and now Kerry’s getting chest pains. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Clinton was in the hospital for heart bypass surgery. They're going to bypass his heart...this could turn him into a Republican. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Clinton must've been a little groggy because when they told him he had acute agina, he told the nurse that she did, too. The candidates are arguing the exact format the Presidential Debates will take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium; Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The “New York Times” said the memo about president Bush and the National Guard were fake but accurate. Kind of like breasts in LA. Political analysts say that Bush is ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism, and the economy, but Kerry is ahead in grammar, pronunciation, and overall nuance. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In an interview in "Genre" magazine, Janet Jackson said president Bush used her wardrobe malfunction at the Superbowl to take the country's mind off Iraq. Or as Jesse Jackson might say, Janet Jackson used her rack to distract from Iraq. President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on three debates. Kerry wanted more, but Bush said no; he thought three was a good, even number. Today John Kerry campaigned in three states: Anger, Denial, and Brooding Indecision. John Kerry said that George Bush was incompetent in his handling of Iraq and president Bush said John Kerry can't make up his mind. You know what's really scary? They're both right. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In an interview in “GQ” magazine, John Kerry discussed what he looked for in a woman. You know what he said the most important thing was? Trust. As in trust fund. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The second presidential debate was in a town hall format. That's where everyday Americans, not just reporters, get to have their questions avoided. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: [During the third debate] the candidates were asked if they thought homosexuality was a choice. John Kerry said it wasn’t a choice. Good thing for him it’s not. If it’s a choice, he’ll still be going, “I don’t know. Maybe…?” According to a recent poll, China said overwhelmingly they would vote for Kerry. China? They can’t even vote in their own country. Earlier this week they began early voting in Florida, and once again Al Gore lost. Neither Bush nor Kerry have gotten flu shots and both of them said they weren’t going to get one. Ralph Nader said he’s not getting one either, although in his case he doesn’t really need one because he doesn’t come into contact with large crowds. Ralph Nader complains he’s being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they’re called the American people. Both candidates are now trying to scare voters in the last couple of weeks of the campaign, and I think they’re both doing a pretty good job of it. Voters are petrified that on November 2, they’re going to have to pick one of these guys. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A woman was caught trying to pass a counterfeit $200 bill with a picture of George Bush on it. Turns out there’s also a John Kerry bill. It’s pretty realistic – he’s on both sides. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Yesterday, president Bush received a very gracious concession call from John Kerry. Then he got a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Do you know the ironic thing about this election? Do you realize that the electoral college is the only college Bush has done well in? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush said the United States would be more than willing to help the Palestinians establish their own state – as long as it was a red state. President Bush said he will push to have a constitutional amendment stating that marriage should be between a man and a woman. President Bush said this is a mandate to prevent man dates. The head of Homeland Security may be ready to step down; he’s not sure. He’s somewhere between green and yellow. On ABC's World News Tonight, Charles Gibson said that Condoleeza Rice is so in sync with the president that she can finish his sentences. Which is pretty amazing when you realize that even Bush can't do that. The new Clinton library has two sections. There's the smaller wing to the left and the large area, which they call the vast right wing. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Bush was here in California this week, address the troops at Camp Pendleton. And while he was there, Bush took a moment to thank all the people in California who voted for him. That’s all it really took – a moment…. In one of Washington’s greatest ironies, president Bush has passed the Intelligence Bill. In an interview in "People" magazine, president Bush says he prays everyday but he does not ask others around him to join in. Kind of like the way he went to war in Iraq. |
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