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From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there said it was just like the Republican National Convention but with black people.
- 01.04.05

At the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, tourists can experience what it's like to take the oath of Office. Your image is up on a giant screen while an actor playing a Supreme Court judge swears you in. It's kind of like a fantasy camp for Democrats.
- 01.10.05

What a storm we had – almost as many trees were knocked down by this storm as has been knocked down by the Bush Administration.
- 01.12.05

Congress returned to session recently after about a month off. Did you even notice they were gone?
- 01.13.05

President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it’ll be very difficult for people to vote: the east, the west, the north, and the south.
- 01.18.05

In a recent addition of “Newsweek,” John Kerry said he didn’t lose the election, he just didn’t win it. That’s the kind of clear, decisive, thinking we look for….
- 01.18.05

At her confirmation hearing for Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice said it’s time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. You know what that means – guess we’re running low on ammunition.
- 01.20.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, Donald Trump admitted that the diamond ring he plans on giving his fiancée he got for free. Apparently, the jeweler gave Donald Trump the ring for free because he knows he’ll get it back in a couple of months….
- 01.20.05

Four people have been fired at CBS over the Dan Rather report on president Bush’s National Guard scandal. The network said the four employees were fired for sloppy reporting and incompetent fact checking. But the good news? All four of them got hired by the “New York Times.”
- 01.25.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Historians say that most Presidents have started their State of the Union address by saying, “The State of the Union is strong.” However, president Bush started his speech a little bit differently, he said that The State of the Union is strong-tastic!
- 02.03.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It’s been reported that Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It’s called, “Why I Never Got Close to Dick.”
- 02.04.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that Jenna Bush’s boyfriend is not a serious boyfriend. Laura Bush described him as more of a drinking buddy.
- 02.08.05

President Bush has said he wanted another $80 billion in military funding. So when he said Iraq wasn’t free, he wasn’t kidding.
- 02.11.05

President Bush was on a big tour of Europe. He said he had hoped to see the whole country.
- 03.04.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a speech, president Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said that’s ridiculous – they didn’t have plans when they attacked Iraq.
- 03.04.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The US Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected after it is retired.
- 03.18.05

Condoleezza Rice made her last stop on her foreign trip at Beijing. They went nuts for her. From their reaction, it's like people in China had never seen Rice before.
- 03.28.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The "New York Post" said Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar, she had to be helped outside by a bouncer. Afterwards, Chelsea said she was sorry, but she's very competitive with the Bush twins.
- 03.28.05

President Bush is combining First Lady Laura Bush’s campaign for literacy with his war on drugs in a new program he calls, “Just Spell No.”
- 04.07.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a recent speech, First Lady Laura Bush said all Americans should have a living well. After hearing this, MC Hammer said he didn’t even have a living room.
- 04.07.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush flew to the Vatican and told reporters that he has tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. Bush also added he was a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I.
- 04.11.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
When president Bush was shown on the giant TV screens during the Pope’s funeral, the crowds at the Vatican booed. When president Bush heard this, he asked what boo meant in Italian.
- 04.11.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
It’s been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating has dropped from 59% to 43%, or as Arnold explains it, he’s dropped from “Terminator” to “Jingle All the Way.”
- 04.22.05

Former Massachusetts Governor Robert Well is now meeting with top Republicans about running for the Senate in New York against Hillary Clinton. This will give voters in the Big Apple a real choice – do they want a New York senator from Arkansas or do they want a New York senator from Massachusetts.
- 05.13.05

In his biggest decision ever on the environment, president Bush has moved to open up a third of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial ventures. It’s all part of his no tree left behind program.
- 05.19.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently, he still hasn’t found Waldo.
- 05.19.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Recently president Bush gave a speech in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and he said, “The path of freedom you have chosen is not easy, but you will not travel it alone.” Apparently, the president’s speech was written by Yoda.
- 05.20.05

The Republican mayor of Spokane, WA, Jim West, who's being investigated for various sex offenses, says he's never masturbated in office. You snicker, but even a former President of the United States can't make that claim.
- 05.23.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush said he is still angry at "Newsweek" magazine for a story they ran about the army investigators flushing a Koran down the toilet. "Newsweek" is angry as well and wants to know who read the story to President Bush.
- 05.26.05

The US Army has a new program that will allow soldiers to leave the service a couple of years before their full four-year enlistment is up. This is based on a plan developed by president Bush when he was in the National Guard.
- 06.09.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
The paperback version of president Clinton’s memoir just came out and in it president Clinton admits that the hard cover version may have been too long. Clinton admitted his mistake in a 700-page introduction.
- 06.09.05

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has asked president Bush to join him in asking other countries to forgive Africa’s debt. Bush said he’d like to help, but he’s still trying to convince Americans to forgive him for our debt.
- 06.15.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a press conference last week, president Bush said he’s learned a lot about what it’s like to live in Africa from U2’s Bono. The president also said he’s learned a lot about what it’s like to live under water from SpongeBob.
- 06.15.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Last week, president Bush sent a congratulatory message to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished the president of Azerbaijan good luck on his fight against Harry Potter.
- 06.17.05

President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try to suppress the vote, power is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that's our system.
- 06.28.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a speech last week, President Bush said his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. Bush said his plan would help you if you're a billionaire or if you're just a millionaire.
- 06.28.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush has agreed to meet with a bipartisan group of senators to discuss who he will appoint to the Supreme Court. The president said so far he has it down to Judge Reinhold and Judge Judy.
- 07.07.05

The White House announced that next month Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy; it’s important you get those on a regular basis. The last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil executives up there.
- 07.18.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Recently, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress and Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This marks the first time Kennedy has come out against anything with rum in it.
- 07.18.05

The Karl Rove scandal is just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut.
- 07.21.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The White House says president Bush is standing by his top advisor, Karl Rove, even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However, the president did says he will fire Rove if he reveals the ending to "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
- 07.21.05

Condoleeza Rice was recently on a six-day trip to Japan. How about that? Did you ever think you would see the day when we would be sending Rice to Japan?
- 07.22.05

Vice-President Dick Cheney recently went to George Washington University Hospital and got a colonoscopy. Doctors say his colon is fine, but his esophagus is inflamed. Let me tell you something, if you finish a colonoscopy and you have a sore throat, that is a very thorough exam.
- 07.25.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Ralph Nadar's 2004 election coordinator was found guilty of election fraud. Apparently, Nader didn't really receive 6 votes, he got 5.
- 07.25.05

The White House announced today that president Bush is on the last page of the new “Harry Potter” book. So apparently, he’s reading it backwards.
- 07.29.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush recently went to Indiana to try to reach out to the state’s black voters. Apparently, Indiana’s black voters are divided – one likes Bush, but the other doesn’t.
- 07.29.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently spoke about the dangers of global warning. Schwarzenegger’s exact words were, “Fire. Hot. Bad.”
- 08.03.05

President Bush signed a free trade pact with Central America. He says he owes a lot to Central America because those red states helped him win the election….
- 08.08.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush left for an extended vacation. President Bush is planning to relax and take it easy on his ranch for five weeks, which is why president Bush’s new Secret Service name is Kevin Federline.
- 08.08.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush left on a five week long summer vacation, but the White House insists it’s a “working” vacation. For instance, this morning the President worked on a model airplane and a fort made out of Lego.
- 08.09.05

The energy bill passed Congress recently and it contains huge tax breaks for energy companies and oil companies. They said this was a historical bill. They said this was the first time a pork barrel was placed inside an oil barrel.
- 08.15.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush recently signed a sweeping one thousand page highway bill. Officials got the President to read all one thousand pages by calling it, "Harry Potter and the Highway Bill."
- 08.15.05

Eight cities in Texas now competing with one another to be the location for the George Bush Presidential Library. President Bush doesn’t really seem like a library guy, does he? I think the only thing Bush ever checked out of a library was Laura.
- 08.24.05

Last week was the 66th anniversary of the “Wizard of Oz.” The “Wizard of Oz” is quite contemporary, it’s a lot like Washington today: Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain, and the Senate needs some courage.
- 08.24.05

To his credit, president Bush took some of the blame for the slow relief effort of Hurricane Katrina. He said this is probably why he’s not running for a third term.
- 09.19.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During his testimony in front of the Senate, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said that his favorite movie is Dr. Zhivago. President Bush said he also loves Dr. Zhivago, especially the part where he talks to the animals.
- 09.19.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Democrats in California are trying to find a candidate to run against Arnold Schwarzenegger next year. Unfortunately, the only person as qualified as Arnold Schwarzenegger is Vin Diesel.
- 09.22.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House.
- 09.26.05

Late Night with Conan O'Brien Bonus:
The federal government asked the people of New Orleans not to return to the city because it’s still not safe. Then the government said the same thing to the people of Detroit, Cleveland, and Newark.
- 09.26.05

President Bush’s approval rating is now below 40%. President Bush hasn’t seen numbers this low since college.
- 09.29.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the latest polls, president Bush’s approval ratings are at an all-time low. In response, the president said his disapproval ratings are at an all-time high….
- 09.29.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush hinted that his next choice for Supreme Court nominee could be a minority. The president said it could be a Latino or it could be a Chinese-o.
- 09.30.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was striped of his Congressional leadership power. When asked how it felt like to lose all his power, DeLay said he felt like a Democrat.
- 10.04.05

Governor Schwarzenegger passed a law that bans junk food in school lunches. Childhood obesity in this state is a huge problem. For example, there are fewer kids in the classroom, but it’s more crowded.
- 10.07.05

Harriet Myers told the "New York Times" that president Bush was the most brilliant man she's ever met. You know, she has to meet more guys….
- 10.13.05

On MSNBC the other night, Alabama state senator Hank Irwin said he believes the hurricanes that hit New Orleans were sent by God to punish people for sin, gambling, and wickedness. That's ridiculous - God doesn't send hurricanes to punish people, he sends FEMA.
- 10.24.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The US Government announced it would not accept more than 300,000 meals donated to Hurricane Katrina victims by the British. A spokesperson for the US Government explained that the Hurricane victims have suffered enough.
- 10.24.05

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In California, the mansion that was used as Batman's house in the original Batman TV series burned down. When he heard about it, president Bush said that this time the Joker's gone too far.
- 10.27.05

President Bush called those who support terrorism evil but insane. As opposed to those people who just bought an SUV - they're insane but not evil.
- 10.28.05

President Bush outlined the United States Government plan to fight a bird flu outbreak. Apparently, his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here.
- 11.03.05

(more on the Bird Flu….)
In fact, do you know what he is calling his bird flu attack? Flock and Awe.
- 11.03.05

President Bush was in South America last week. He was in Argentina for the Americas Trade Summit, and they’re having riots. I haven’t seen the people of Argentina this angry since Madonna played Evita.
- 11.09.05

Political analysts say that this is an attempt by president Bush to try to improve his image by being more involved in foreign matters. Isn’t that what got him in trouble in the first place?
- 11.09.05

According to a new survey in “Glamour” magazine, 80% of women say they have been creeped out at the workplace when an older man tried to have sex with them. The other 20% got promotions.
- 11.16.05

President Bush’s popularity now at 35%. If he drops just three more points, he becomes a Democrat.
- 11.17.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a speech last week, president Bush said his opponents are re-writing the pages of American history. And what really makes him mad is that they are using big words.
- 11.17.05

“Bee Season” opened last weekend. It’s about the national spelling bees, or as president Bush called it, the scariest movie he’s ever seen.
- 11.18.05

President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to 37%. Now, when you’re down to 37%, is it still considered an approval rating?
- 11.21.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Former president Clinton gave a speech in the Middle East and said invading Iraq was a big mistake. In fact, Clinton called Iraq, “President Bush’s Hillary.”
- 11.21.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress are demanding that president Bush come up with an exit strategy for Iraq. Today Bush said he has an exit strategy – he’s leaving office in 2008.
- 11.22.05

A chunk of marble fell off the façade of the Supreme Court building. Engineers believe the chunk fell off because the Supreme Court building possibly leaning too far to the right.
- 12.08.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Last week, president Bush and the First Lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. It would’ve been 201, but someone told president Bush that Legoland wasn’t a real country.
- 12.08.05

Senator Hillary Clinton has now called for president Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. Left me tell you something – when it comes to telling the president when to pull out, nobody has more experience than Hillary Clinton.
- 12.12.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don’t have the words “Christmas” in them. In response, the president said, “You try spelling it.”
- 12.12.05

They say heating bills this winter are the highest they’ve been in five years. President Bush fortunately has a plan to combat heating bills – it’s called global warming.
- 12.19.05

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Last week at the White House, president Bush was very excited to show reporters his iPod. Reporters say they didn’t have the heart to tell the President that his iPod was really just a garage opener.
- 12.19.05

 
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