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President Bush met with all the former Secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has ever listened to anybody – well, if you don’t count the wiretap.
- 01.09.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
The Supreme Court hearing are about to start and the American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito, their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito has highest rating too because he called him super and duper.
- 01.09.06

According to the tabloids, president Bush has admitted to friends that he’s fantasized about other women since he’s been married, but has never acted on it. You know why? No exit strategy.
- 01.11.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
According to CNN, top Democrats have mixed feelings about Senator Hillary Clinton running for President. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea while the others hate it.
- 01.11.06

Florida governor Jeb Bush has just signed into law a bill allowing slot machines in the state of Florida; they're doing this because old people love to play slot machines. How come these people can play five to six slot machines at one time, but they can't work a voting machine?
- 01.17.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush was recently asked about Judge Alito the president said, "He is eminently qualified." Then the president said, "Unless the word eminently means not."
- 01.17.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King last week, president Bush called him one of the greatest Americans that ever lived. Bush asked how many people grow up to be both a doctor and a king.
- 01.25.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Last week, president Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things grew tense when the Prime Minister demanded the United States close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Bush quickly replied that the prison is closed; that’s how we keep them in there….
- 01.26.06

As has become a tradition, president Bush called the winner of the Super Bowl and president Clinton called the winner of the Lingerie Bowl.
- 02.08.06

If you watched the President’s State of the Union address, you know that president Bush promised to cut 140 programs that are performing poorly. Or, as NBC calls it, our Fall Lineup.
- 02.08.06

Hillary Clinton says she finds the Administration’s refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic.
- 02.22.06

The Bush Administration said the United Arab Emirates is the best qualified nation for the job [managing our seaports]. Who better to manage a seaport than people who live in the desert?
- 02.24.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush was in India where he was greeted by over 10,000 angry protestors. As a result, most Americans spent the whole day on hold with computer problems.
- 03.06.06

President Bush is back from his big trip to India. He said he accomplished everything he wanted to accomplish there. He signed a nuclear agreement, got a pledge to fight terrorism, and got his laptop fixed.
- 03.10.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
It’s been reported that vice-president Dick Cheney has donated $2 million to the cardiology center that treats him. Well, actually, in Dick Cheney’s case, it’s not really a donation; it’s more of an advance.
- 03.10.06

President Bush said his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straight-forward. Go after the evil-doers, track them down, find out where they’re hiding, and then sell them out seaports.
- 03.14.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
After two years working for president Bush, it was announced that the White House pastry chef quit his job this week. Or, as president Bush said, "Cookie man go bye-bye."
- 03.23.06

Clyde Allen, one of president Bush’s top policy advisors, resigned last month. He was arrested for swindling Target and Hecht’s department stores in a refund scam. He would steal stuff from the stores and then go to the refund department to try to get cash back. And he’s really conservative – he said he’s anti-gay and supports abstinence-only programs. He’s going to hate prison….
- 03.27.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that she started exercising when she married president Bush because it was already a part of his lifestyle. Which explains why she also stopped reading.
- 03.27.06

According to a survey in this week’s “Time” magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work at the White House.
- 03.29.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
President Bush was in Mexico last week, and while he was there, he was going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because he promised that FEMA would help the Mayans rebuild.
- 04.05.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
Last week, president Bush attended a summit in Mexico and thousands of Mexicans attended a rally to protest his immigration policies. The protest was cut short because the Mexicans had to get back to their jobs in Los Angeles….
- 04.06.06

President Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds-Chicago Cubs game. Like Bush it was high and into the far right.
- 04.06.06

Police and Senate officials said the U.S. Capitol was evacuated earlier this week after the electric power went out. People say it was the quickest loss of power in Washington since Al Gore.
- 04.07.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
While in Mexico last week, president Bush was greeted by protestors wearing president Bush masks. The President was overheard saying he didn’t know who those people were, but that their faces looked familiar.
- 04.07.06

Scientists say they may have located the Actual Noah’s Ark from the Bible in eastern Turkey. President Bush of course, very excited about this. He said this could lead to even bigger discoveries like finding the S.S. Minnow from “Gilligan’s Island.”
- 05.02.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
A recent issue of “Rolling Stones” magazine features a cover story about president Bush titled, “The Worst President in History.” President Bush said that wasn’t fair, he’s also the worst president in math, English, and geography.
- 05.02.06

The New Orleans Saints drafted Reggie Bush this weekend. The people of New Orleans hoping that this Bush will do something to actually help the city….
- 05.04.06

When president Bush was in New Orleans, he said “We pray there’s no hurricane this upcoming year.” this is what we call faith-based disaster management.
- 05.25.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
The Senate has voted to build a 371 mile fence along the Mexican border. Experts say a 371 mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long.
- 05.25.06

In an effort to try to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that there are more wetlands today than anytime since 1954. Yeah, if you count New Orleans….
- 05.26.06

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:
The state of Texas is considering raising some speed limits to 80 mph. The Texas legislature said they want to do this so that illegal immigrants can get to work faster.
- 05.26.06

In a commencement speech at the University of Oklahoma, president Bush told graduates the job market is the best it’s been in years. Well sure, take a look at the openings just in his cabinet.
- 05.31.06

The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approved of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, “Si.”
- 06.05.06

The Senate recently passed a limited ethics bill. Which is something Congress knows a lot about – limited ethics.
- 06.09.06

There’s a new reality show on the WB called, “Survival of the Riches.” Each week someone gets eliminated while on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
- 06.09.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush went to Nebraska and gave a big speech abot immigration. Of course, to people in Nebraska, immigration means moving to Iowa.
6.13.06

Former House leader Tom Delay officially left Congress this week; he stepped down. He said he's leaving Congress with no regrets, no shame, and no ethics.
6.14.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush said any attempt to deport 11 million illegal immigrants, "Ain't going to work." Then, when reporters asked president Bush what he was going to do the rest of the afternoon, president Bush said, "Ain't going to work."
6.14.06

Here’s a shocking statistic: one out of every 136 Americans is currently behind bars. Even more shocking: one out of every four Kennedy is in a bar.
- 06.27.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Before a recent trip, president Bush gave the commencement address at the Merchant Marine Academy and while he was there, a cadet who took six years to graduate surprised president Bush by giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, they said president Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate.
- 06.27.06

President Bush told “People” magazine that he is working on a solution to global warming and that it would be ready in six months. Yeah, it’s called winter….
- 07.17.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. President Bush credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself.
- 07.17.06

Washington, D.C. police chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in the city. He says crime is out of control and is caused mainly by two rival gangs – the Republicans and the Democrats.
- 07.20.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent speech, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil. Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like he supports lesbian independence for all….
- 07.20.06

Last week, Senator Hillary Clinton went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying he had a bad track record and asking why she should trust him. Get the feeling maybe she’s been burned by a guy before?
- 08.07.06

John Kerry said recently that if he were President, the current conflict in the Mideast wouldn’t be happening because he would be more involved in the Mideast. More involved? Hey, Bush invaded the place.
- 08.09.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Because Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has been out of sight for so long, there’s a rumor that he is dead. People are saying Castro is dead or he has a show on NBC.
- 08.09.06

President Bush had his annual medical exam last week. His doctor said his heart rate, blood pressure, and cholesterol numbers were all pretty good. The only bad number? His approval ratings.
- 08.14.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush denied that Iraq is close to a civil war, saying, “Civil war? What civil war?” Which, coincidentally, was the same thing Bush used to say in his history class.
- 08.15.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
While on vacation in Texas, Bush urged his staff to join the 100 degree club by running 3 miles in 100 degree heat. Experts say it’s proof that the president can come up with a bad idea at any level.
- 08.16.06

The White House announced recently that Donald Rumsfeld’s shoulder surgery was a big success. He should be back padding himself in the back by tomorrow.
- 09.12.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Yesterday the Democratic and Republican primaries were held all around the country. So far it’s evenly split between those who forgot to vote and those who chose not to vote.
- 09.13.06

In a speech to the nation this week, president Bush said we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent. And, anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor.
- 09.15.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During president Bush’s speech this week, he spoke directly to Osama Bin Laden and said no matter how long it takes, America would find him. Then the President uncovered his eyes and said, “Ready or not, here I come.”
- 09.15.06

President Bush’s approval ratings dropped another 3%. He is so unpopular now the Democrats are going to have to work really hard to screw up this election.
- 09.18.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During his [recent speech to the UN], the president of Venezuela called president Bush the devil, then the next day he called him a cowboy. President Bush was upset and said he’s making it really hard for him to choose his Halloween costume.
- 09.26.06

The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleeza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada’s foreign minister Peter McKay. Must be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, McKay had to promise Condoleeza that he would get permission from the UN before invading her.
- 10.04.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the latest polls in California, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is favored to win a second term. Or, as Arnold calls it, “The Sequel.”
- 10.04.06

The Senate has voted to approve the building of a 700 mile fence along our 2,000 mile border with Mexico. This is what happens when you let president Bush do the math.
- 10.05.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the White House, president Bush is going to spend most of October going city to city fundraising. Then, Bush will spend the last day of October going house to house trick-or-treating.
- 10.05.06

Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations that he sent explicit emails to underage boys. I don’t think Foley gets it though. Like today, he apologized and promised to turn over a new page.
- 10.06.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During president Bush’s recent trip to California, he and Republican governor Arnold Schwarzenegger went out of their way to avoid each other. Experts said this was bad news for the Republican party, but great news for the English language.
- 10.06.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush, angry about the congressional sex scandal, condemned congressman Mark Foley, and called for a thorough probe of the Congressional Sex Scandal. However, Foley says a thorough probe is what got him in trouble in the first place.
- 10.10.06

Former president Bill Clinton has now struck a deal with several major food companies to supply schools with snacks that have less fat, less sugar, and less salt. This is all part of Clinton’s new program, “No Child Left With A Big Behind.”
- 10.11.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
CNN reported that former congressman Mark Foley’s instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but also full of typos. In his own defense, Foley said it was hard to type with only one hand….
- 10.12.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a new study, voters are more likely to vote for a candidate who has good looks and charisma. If you want proof, just go ask that stud, Dennis Hasterd.
- 11.09.06

What an election. The GOP is now DOA.
- 11.13.06

(more on last week’s elections….)
You know what GOP stands for? Going out of power….
- 11.13.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was re-elected and he said he plans to use the next four years to showcase California as a one of a kind model of bi-partisan cooperation. Of course, it was much funnier when Arnold said it.
- 11.13.06

President Bush is on an Asian tour and everywhere he goes he’s greeted by protestors. So, at least they’re making him feel at home.
- 11.22.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush announced that he will host a White House conference on Malaria. President Bush told reporters that he’s looking forward to meeting with the “Malarians.”
- 11.22.06

A political group now raising money to have John Kerry become the Democratic candidate for President for 2008. Will it happen? I don't know...it depends how much money the Republicans can raise.
- 11.24.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush was in Ho Chi Minh city recently. Unfortunately, when president Bush addressed the crowd, he said, “Thank you Ho’s!”
- 11.24.06

President Bush is back from his big trip to Asia. In fact, this was the first time he was able to get out of Vietnam without help from his dad.
- 11.28.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier this week, president Bush met with the head of one of Iraq’s Shiite political parties. However, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, “Are you the Shiite head?”
- 12.06.06

According to our latest intelligence, Osama Bin Laden is losing his influence and power. I didn’t know he was a Republican.
- 12.08.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
White House Christmas decorations are up. This year, the White House Christmas decorations included a 10-foot tall nutcracker. Experts say this is the biggest nutcracker in the White House since Hillary Clinton.
- 12.08.06

Prince Charles has been traveling around England giving lectures on global warming. Is Prince Charles really the best guy to talk about global warming? He though Camilla was hot….
- 12.21.06

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush is putting together his Presidential Library and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book.
- 12.27.06

 
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