All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debates the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of trying to have things both ways -- which is ironic because Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years.
- 01.28.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a recent Democratic Presidential Debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, president Clinton said, "I wish."
- 01.28.08
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus in Iowa. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa’s black vote – a guy named Larry.
- 01.29.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany.
- 01.29.08
The price of oil recently closed at $100 a barrel. I don’t think president Bush really understands the issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, president Bush said it wouldn’t have much effect at all – most Americans buy their gas in little cans.
- 02.04.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The White House has announced that during president Bush’s last year in office, he’s going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he can accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center.
- 02.04.08
According to a new survey, 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. President Bush commented on this, asking why we needed our kids to find the U.S. on a map; they’re already here.
- 02.08.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a recent speech, president Bush said, "My job is a decision making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions." Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech.
- 02.08.08
John McCain’s the Republican front-runner. At his age, it’s tough for him to raise money at these fund-raising dinners because apparently no one else wants to eat at 4 pm.
- 02.27.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Recently in Ohio, president Clinton had an angry confrontation with a heckler who claims at one point Clinton made physical contact. Clinton denied any physical contact, but then again, he always does.
- 02.27.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The founders of Ben & Jerry’s announced that they are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. Apparently, Ben & Jerry decided not to endorse Hillary after they realized no one would buy a flavor called “Nutcracker Crunch.”
- 03.18.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A survey just came out that shows beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. It’s surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a cold one.
- 04.03.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new CNN poll shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked how much did they have to drink.
- 04.04.08
According to a survey by the History network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush’s presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster.
- 04.22.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a recent speech, president Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him a really fine man. Bush said he used to be reluctant to meet with him, but then he found out he’s not a real llama….
- 04.22.08
A new poll says that 58% of Americans don’t think Hillary is honest or trustworthy. You know what you call a politician with numbers like that? A politician.
- 04.24.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This Tuesday was Earth Day and politicians across the country all marked the country. For example, president Bush was photographed with a shovel and former president Clinton was photographed with a hoe….
- 04.24.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. When he saw that, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, she’s not very good at turning things on.”
- 05.12.08
Conan O'Brien Hillary Bonus:
In Zimbabwe, president Robert Mugabe has lost the election but refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. Mugabe says he got this idea from Hillary Clinton.
- 05.12.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Hillary Clinton said she isn’t dropping out because there are still six states that haven’t had their Democratic primaries. Barack Obama is favored in the states of Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota; and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
- 05.13.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
One of Hillary Clinton’s advisors says that the chance of Hillary conceding the nomination to Barack Obama and dropping out of the race is only about 10%. However, the advisor admits if Barack wins the presidency, the number goes up to 11%
- 05.20.08
The California Supreme Court says gays and lesbians can marry, and president Bush said he’s not going to stop this. President Bush said if you’re a gay guy and you want to marry a lesbian, that’s fine with him.
- 05.23.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a recent interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said that she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers look. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
- 05.23.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctors call it, Chapter 1.
- 05.29.08
Did you hear about the tribe they found in Brazil? It seems they have never been contacted by the outside world. The tribe has never read a newspaper, never listened to the news or watched the news. You’ve heard of Bushman? These were George Bushman….
- 06.06.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush’s press secretary wrote a book and in his new book, president Bush’s former press secretary said that Bush has a “lack of inquisitiveness.” When he heard this, Bush said he didn’t know what he’s saying and he doesn’t care.
- 06.06.08
John McCain’s doctors said that Senator McCain is decades younger than his age. But so is president Bush: president Bush is in his early 60s, but he has the mind of a 12 year-old.
- 06.10.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
There’s a lot of speculation about John McCain’s possible running mate. Experts say he wants someone who’s not afraid to attack Barack Obama. Which explains why McCain has decided to pick Hillary Clinton.
- 06.10.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Hillary Clinton announced the news to her supporters that she’s going to conceded at 2 in the morning. Hillary’s supporters were shocked because usually the only person on the internet at 2 am is Bill Clinton.
- 06.10.08
Barack Obama is now denying he is email pals with the beautiful actress Scarlett Johansen. He said it’s not true. In fact, his exact words were, “I did not have textual relations with that woman.”
- 07.16.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, Obama was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.
- 07.16.08
In a recent interview, president Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He said you don’t get a second chance to this over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about?
- 07.17.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
John McCain just announced that he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he’ll meet with the public. It’s all part of McCain’s “Speak Up, I can’t Hear You” tour.
- 07.17.08
Last week was the 106th anniversary of air conditioning. Or, as president Bush called it, “The solution to global warming.”
- 07.21.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In a recent speech, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Obama said not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie.
- 07.21.08
According to the latest Reuters/Zogby Poll, 10% of American’s are giving president Bush’s economic policy a thumbs up. The other 90% using a different finger.
- 07.22.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
At a recent campaign event, John McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra – mainly because all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy.
- 07.22.08
Last week, NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama; they’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. NBC News denied those claims – they said that’s ridiculous, they’ve never even heard of John McCain.
- 07.31.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Comedian Bernie Mac performed at a recent Democratic fundraiser, and after he performed at the fundraiser, Barack Obama told him to clean up his act because some of his jokes were about sex and prostitution. Unfortunately, Bernie Mac couldn’t hear Obama’s advice because Bill Clinton kept yelling encore.
- 07.31.08
Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day that what he’s looking for in a vice-president is a person who would tell him when they thought he was wrong. If that’s the case, wouldn’t Hillary be the best choice?
- 08.06.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A comic book publisher says he’s trying to increase voter turnout for the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. The publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first time voters and long time virgins.
- 08.06.08
Barack Obama now says he’s open to off-shore oil drilling. Apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.
- 08.18.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The “New York Times” says that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he’s a black man who doesn’t make white people feel threatened, which explains Obama’s secret code name: Al Roker.
- 08.18.08
George Bush recently announced there’s going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah…he’s leaving.
- 08.28.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Republican Convention is next week. John McCain’s campaign told president Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. He also told Bush that the convention starts in September….
- 08.28.08
As you all know by now, senator John McCain has picked Alaskan governor Sarah Palin to be his vice-presidential running mate, which from what I understand, president Bush is very upset about the choice. He said, “Alaska? Why couldn’t he have picked somebody from America?”
- 09.03.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
When John McCain introduced Sarah Palin as his running mate, she got up and referred to herself as a hockey mom. For those of you who don’t know, a hockey mom is a soccer man with fewer teeth.
- 09.03.08
A lot of people are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience; they say she won’t be able to deal with other countries. Is that a big deal? How many foreign countries even talk to us anymore.
- 09.10.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. Palin says everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people, it’s for pregnant teenagers.
- 09.10.08
Federal investigators said that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billion of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. You know, when Republicans said drill everywhere, I had no idea….
- 09.16.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, “Wait a minute. Now gays want to marry lesbians?”
- 09.16.08
According to the Associated Press, Sarah Palin’s church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays to heterosexuals through the power of prayer; they call it, “Pray Away the Gay.” It’s a lot better than the original title, “Think Outside the Bun.”
- 09.18.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballots in only 45 states. Nader said this was really disappointing because he wanted to embarrass himself in all 50 states.
- 09.18.08
The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Palin. That makes two Clintons trying to nail her.
- 09.24.08
John McCain wants to postpone Friday night’s Presidential Debate and he has temporarily suspended his campaign. He said he’d like to postpone the presidential debates until he’s ahead in the polls.
- 09.25.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a speech last night, president Bush told the country that we are suffering through a once-in-a-century crisis. Bush said we shouldn’t worry because this once-in-a-century crisis shouldn’t happen again for 10 to 15 years.
- 09.25.08
Barack Obama said that the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fundraisers to come up with that kind of cash.
- 09.29.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout recently and said, “If the money isn’t loosened up, this sucker could go down.” So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know president Bush is writing his own speeches.
- 09.29.08
The New York City health department announced that they gave away more than 39 million condoms last year. And apparently, the health department of Alaska didn’t give away any.
- 10.01.08
A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn’t care about Jews or black people. Palin insists that’s not true and says Alaska has one of each.
- 10.01.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It’s been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin.
- 10.02.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Everyone is still talking about Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was the regular court with extra cheese….
- 10.03.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
During a recent interview on CBS, Sarah Palin said, “One of my best friends is a lesbian and I love her dearly.” After hearing this, Bill Clinton told her to prove it….
- 10.09.08
President Bush said recently that he understands people’s anxieties. Understands it? He is their anxiety.
- 10.14.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new study has found that the number of illegal immigrants coming into the United States has declined as our economy has faltered. When he heard this, president Bush said, “Do I know how to fix a problem or what?”
- 10.14.08
Politics is just like sex: there’s always one side that’s horribly disappointed.
- 10.20.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. And it turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.
- 10.20.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read….
- 10.29.08
Things not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to Ikea because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet….
- 10.31.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off because they don’t have a job….
- 10.31.08
Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she’s not listening to their advice, she’s not taking their notes, and she’s going off on her own and saying what she wants. Then when the campaign is asked what they like most about her, they say it’s that she’s a maverick….
- 11.03.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In John McCain’s home state of Arizona, voters are being asked to decide whether there should be a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. McCain is even using the issue in an attack ad that says Obama-Biden share the same positions together…..
- 11.03.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Joe the Plumber was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally recently but didn’t show up. So apparently, the guy really is a plumber.
- 11.03.08
According to the latest AP polls, Ralph Nader is getting less than 1% of the vote. He’s actually losing to low-fat milk.
- 11.04.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Over the weekend, a comedian on the radio tricked Sarah Palin into getting on the phone by pretending he was French president Nicholas Sarkozy. The comedian says it was really difficult to trick Palin into believing he was Nicholas Sarkozy because she has no idea who that is.
- 11.04.08
There’s a good chance we could go to bed tonight and not know who’s running the country…just like it’s been the last 8 years.
- 11.04.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Joe the Plumber is now saying he wants to write a book. Joe’s book would be called, “The Five People You Meet Fixing Toilets.”
- 11.04.08
Joe the Plumber was asked recently what he felt about his role in the election and he said that he didn’t dream about becoming a household name, and now he’s up there with Ajax. Except the big difference is that Ajax works….
- 11.10.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to exit polls, 70% of bisexuals said they voted for Barack Obama. Of course, when pressed, 100% of bisexuals said they could go either way.
- 11.10.08
Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he’s already reaching out to the Republicans.
- 11.12.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk and they said that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.
- 11.12.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier in the week President Bush had a private meeting in the White House with President-Elect Barack Obama. Afterwards, Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.
- 11.13.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position of Secretary of State because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said it’s only fair because she denies him positions all the time.
- 11.21.08
The “New York Post” says that Ann Coulter has broken her jaw and her mouth is wired shut. Do you know what you call Ann Coulter with her mouth wired shut? Charming.
- 12.01.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power….
- 12.01.08
Talking about the economy recently, Barack Obama said there are no quick, easy fixes; to which Amy Winehouse said there are in her neighborhood.
- 12.02.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama’s wife and daughter codenames: Renaissance, Rosebud, and Radiance. Apparently the agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume business.
- 12.02.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s chairman. Unfortunately, neither man wants the job.
- 12.05.08
Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the auto companies can solve the problem themselves. Don’t you love watching congressmen lecturing auto executives on how to run their business? You’ve got people who put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt….
- 12.16.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, president Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. There was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles.
- 12.22.08
In a recent interview, president Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the bible – or the Constitution either.
- 12.29.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with president-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Bush said he invited all 43 guys but only 4 responded.
- 12.29.08
Congress recently gave themselves a pay raise: $4,700 each. But in their defense, members of Congress have expenses the rest of us don’t have: defense lawyers, bartenders….
- 12.30.08
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. The least admired profession: Governor Blagojevich’s barber.
- 12.30.08 |
