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From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A study in the Washington Post says women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of the study: "Duh."
-4.05.95

A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain -- and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
-4.25.95

A new book on body shapes claims that men with love handles are stable and the most unlikely to fool around. As if they had a choice....
-5.11.95

Scientists studying the Laggard Turtle say it has a unique way of spending time under water. It actually slows down its brain activity so that it requires less brain energy. I believe the lifeguards at Baywatch do the same thing.
-5.12.95

A man in St. Louis, Missouri, has a business in which he cleans women's houses, in the nude, for $80. He's making a fortune on this -- not because he's naked, but because women want to see a man clean the house.
-6.13.95

According to a study in McCall magazine, the sexiest thing a man can say to a woman is, "Let me do the dishes." This is what I hate about these magazines -- they set impossible standards.
-6.16.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
To make a marriage work, you have to compromise: One night a week I go out with the boys, and one night a week she goes out with the boys.
-6.23.95

In the Netherlands, there's now a college there for prostitution. What's worse? Telling your parents you flunked out or you made the dean's list?
-7.18.95

A new study says that the female sex drive peaks in the month of July. In fact, this is where the concept of "the 4th of July" came from.
-7.27.95

According to a study, 25% of people use television to enhance their love life. Unfortunately for the remaining 75%, TV is their love life.
-7.28.95

A survey in TV Guide indicates that 21% of people make love with the TV on and they get in the mood because of what they're watching. They said that one of the movies that most turn people on is The Wizard of Oz. This seems rather strange. While the Scarecrow is looking for a brain, the Tinman is looking for a heart and the Lion is looking for courage, you're looking for some action.
-8.02.95

A line from JAY LENO's (would-be) romance novel:
Monica's hair was a deep dark brown...like the bananas at 7-Eleven.
-8.02.95

According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course, this is great for Italian men because they talk with their hands.
-8.04.95

A trial jury in Alabama has ruled that it is illegal for a male employee to harass another male employee. So, this really could make Alabama the first wedgie free state.
-8.15.95

A doctor examined a 90-year-old man and, jokingly, told him that he would have to give up half of his sex life.
"Which half?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Thinking about it or talking about it?"
-Tom Freeman, Palm Springs
-8.29.95

After an earthquake, two men were talking and one asked, "If there was another earthquake, and you knew the world was going to end, what would you do?"
The other guy said, "I'd have sex with the first thing that moves. What would you do?"
The first guy replies, "I'd stand very still."
-Comedian Fred Charles
-8.29.95

Dr. Ruth has a new book out called Sex for Dummies. You know, I tried it and I think I'll stick with humans.
-9.22.95

Johnnie Cochran said he hopes the jury will care and be compassionate when rendering their verdict. You know, lawyers are a lot like Spock on Star Trek when they talk about love and emotion: They can talk about it, but they never quite grasp it.
-9.28.95

In New York City, an enraged prostitute cut off part of a man's sex organ after he refused to pay for her services. Police said they found the organ, but are not sure if it belongs to the man. Only in New York would the police find a severed organ and not know who it belongs to.
-10.10.95

(In an unrelated story, I think...)
Doctors in New York could not attach a man's sex organ after he accidentally cut it off while making a guitar. Doctors say they couldn't attach it back because he let too much time go by before he reported it. Talk about a guy with a serious procrastination problem.
-10.10.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Scientists now say that a hormone found in sweat make men more attractive to women. This must mean my cab driver this morning is the sexiest man alive.
-10.19.95

Unknown:
If a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man it's $2.98 a minute.
-10.24.95

Doctors in San Francisco say there is no proof that silicon breast implants cause arthritis in women. But, they say breast implants do cause severe eye strain in men.
-10.27.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
On our wedding anniversary I made a toast to my wife: "To the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.
-11.02.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Before we were married, my wife told me I was 1 in a million. I found out she was right.
-11.02.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
I'm so ugly, when I told the doctor I wanted a vasectomy, he told me with a face like mine, I didn't need one.
-11.02.95

In a recent British survey, most Britons would rather argue than have sex. Actually, arguing is a lot like sex: First you get excited, then you start screaming, and when it's over, the man winds up apologizing.
-11.08.95

A teacher from Abbington, Pennsylvania has been charged with letting his students have sex with his wife as a reward with coming up with the right answers on tests. His lawyer claims that the guy did nothing wrong...he was simply teaching the kids to multiply.
-11.13.95

A survey said that Los Angeles is the most unfriendly city in the entire world. That is so unfair. I was on Hollywood Blvd. and the women over there would bend over backwards for you.
-11.13.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
Last week my psychiatrist told me my wife and I should have sex every night...now we'll never see each other.
-11.20.95

Rodney Dangerfield, from his appearance on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
With my wife, our relationship is always on and off...everytime I get on she tells me to get off.
-11.21.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
For the first time in over 100 years John is not one of the top 10 names given to boys in New York. It is, however, the number one name given to men in Time Square.
-11.30.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new study reveals that the average sexual encounter lasts for 16 minutes. I don't want to brag, but I think I can cut that time in half.
-12.08.95

A study in Men's Health magazine indicates that 73% of men surveyed said that at one time or another they have said "no" to sex. Do you know what doctors call these men? Inmates.
-12.13.95

A guy in Pittsburgh was arrested and accused of having sex with a deer. Police aren't releasing his name, they've just got him under as a John DOE.
-12.14.95

In the book Chocolate Sex, 86% of women surveyed have thought about chocolate while making love. They say it usually starts out with Hersey's Kisses and ends with the women shouting "Oh Henry!".
-12.20.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates' wife is pregnant. Gates explained that people shouldn't let the name Microsoft fool them.
-12.20.95

According to Glamour magazine, 63% of men surveyed say it is annoying when women tell them in the middle of sex how to satisfy them. Well, you know guys, they never want to stop to ask for directions.
-12.21.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Divine Brown is writing a book about her experiences as a prostitute. Apparently, the story is kind of confusing because there are over 400 characters named John.
-12.21.95

A new book called Snow White in the Boardroom and the Bedroom recommends that women think of the men in their lives in terms of the 7 dwarfs. That makes sense: Before a date a guy is Bashful and Dopey, during sex he's Happy, after sex he's Grumpy and Sleepy, and if she picks the wrong guy, she needs to see Doc.
-12.22.95

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A new scientific study reveals that drinking alcohol increases a woman's life expectancy by 17%. It also increases a man's chances of picking her up by 83%.
-12.27.95

A woman who runs a dominatrix phone sex line in San Diego, CA is running for Congress. I guess she feels since she's talked to so many congressmen on the phone she's capable of handling the job herself.
-12.28.95

John Wayne Bobbit has been ordered back to jail on January 2. He is to serve the remainder of his sentence for beating up his girlfriend, who is a topless dancer. I'm surprised they didn't get along better: She's topless, he's bottomless, they're the perfect couple.
-12.28.95

Men's Health magazine reports that having sex actually adds years to a person's life. The more sex you have, the longer you live. That sounds like the real Clinton health care plan.
-12.29.95

Men's Health magazine reports that having sex actually adds years to a person's life. The more sex you have the longer you will live. If that's true, men must be experts at self-preservation.
-12.29.95
 
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