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According to officials at the Social Security office, more and more parents are naming their children after cars. This past year there were 353 girls named Lexus and 25 girls named Infiniti. You know who I feel sorry for? The 3 girls named Hummer. According to a new survey, 56% of women carry condoms; the other 44% are carrying babies. New book out called, "Are You Normal." According to the book, 76% of guys would rather watch an important football game than having sex. The other 24% said that's what half-time is for. A 96 year-old woman was arrested in North Carolina for selling crack. The cops said they would’ve found more drugs on her, but nobody wanted to go do the stripsearch. A man in the Dominican Republic checked himself into a hospital complaining of having an erection for six days. Do you know what you call a six-day erection in this country? Spring Break. According to a group of scientists, a new study claims that teenage lesbians have a higher chance of smoking than straight girls. And, another study also reveals that scientists who do studies would rather study teenage lesbians than anything else in the world. Down in Disneyland, a person in the Tigger costume got into trouble for fondling a young girl and her mother. He had his arms around them and was grabbing their breasts. Actually, it could’ve been a lot worse for the girls – he could have been Captain Hook. In New York City, to make up for the big revenue shortage, they are now considering taxing breast implants. If that happens, do you know what the best job in the world is? Tax appraiser. According to a new survey, one-third of German motorists say when they're stuck in traffic, they fantasize about sex. The other two-thirds fantasize about invading France. The city of Los Angeles now considering moving a small cross from the city’s official seal after being threatened by the ACLU with a lawsuit. It seems a small cross will be removed from the official seal of Los Angeles and replaced with something more representative – a small breast implant. “Playboy” is having an upcoming nude pictorial featuring the women of Home Depot. That makes sense. Both “Playboy” and Home Depot are for guys who like to do it themselves. A man in New York has been arrested for coating everything in his Motel 6 motel room with Vaseline. He opened fourteen big jars of Vaseline petroleum jelly and covered the walls, the floors, the mattress, and his entire body from head to toe. Not sure if he was going to have sex in the room or with the room. The latest issue of Cosmo has a cover story: The Three Things All Men Crave in Bed. Yeah. I think that would be called triplets. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “Men’s Health” magazine, one in five men say they’ve had sex at work. The other four guys said they want his job. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit against Bill O’Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes, and masturbation. The last straw was when he asked if her breasts were fair and balanced. Palm Springs, CA now has the highest syphilis rate in the country. Palm Springs. Isn’t that where old people go to retire? Remember the good old days when senior citizens would just get the clapper? According to “New Scientist” magazine, 1% of the population is asexual; that means they have no interest in sex. Do you know who these people are? They’re the ones that read “New Scientist” magazine…. In Australia, doctors discovered a female patient whose sleepwalking causes her to have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep. They would’ve diagnosed this years earlier, but apparently no guy has ever complained. According to “Sports Illustrated” magazine, 30% of male readers said they would rather watch a big playoff game than have sex. The other 70% said that’s what half time’s for. A man in Germany claims he has invented a process that straightens bananas. And he warns, if your banana stays straight for more than four hours, see your doctor. According to a new poll, 14% of Americans say they have had sex on the job. Breaks down to 90% of men compared to just 8% of women. So who are the guys having sex with? It seems to me a lot of these guys are self-employed. |
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