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From The Los Angeles Times, the year remembered: "The words 'Oakland' and 'Raiders' are synonymous. It choked many people's throats to have to put 'Los Angeles' and 'the Raiders' together. And it wasn't just the smog that made that happen." "They're going to open this thing with great fanfare -- and I'm delighted to have it open -- but I don't believe there is going to be anyone to ride it because it doesn't go anywhere." "It's all in the laps of the gods. And if they fail us, there's always the engineers." This New Year's, many of our prayers are with the American troops in Bosnia. These men and women are making a huge sacrifice. Think about it: We send them to a country they don't even know, to protect a people they've never met, for a length of time we can't specify, on behalf of a country that's broke and closed for business. The world population grew by a 100 million this year. That's like trying to fit another country the size of Mexico into the planet. That's bad news for California...we're still trying to fit the first Mexico in here. It was revealed that the former Orange County treasurer who lost $1.6B consulted psychics and astrologers before making any investments. Well, you see how Orange County got broke, those services cost $3.95 a minute. A class action suit was filed against Victoria's Secret claiming its holiday catalog mailed to men offered a larger discount than the same catalog mailed to women. I'm shocked...I didn't know women looked through the catalog too. The LAPD has announced that it is starting to put dummies in patrol cars along the side of the rode in an effort to scare speeding drivers. I don't think that's a good idea. Remember the last time they put a couple of dummies in a car? They had to pay Rodney King $3.8M. The University of Texas is considering expelling a 30 year-old man who allegedly assumed a fake identity so he could join the football team. The guy pretended he was a 22 year-old sophomore, won a scholarship, and played on the team. In fact, he is such a compulsive liar that they may revoke his football scholarship and change it to a law school scholarship instead. From The Late Show with David Letterman: Scientists at the University of Vermont have announced that they have developed an edible sandwich wrap. Do you think that's a good idea? Would you want to eat something that's used to keep dirt off your sandwich? Isn't that like going to the Sizzler's and licking the sneeze guard? A man in South Korea fell in a sewer and lived there for nine days before being rescued. He's writing a book about his experiences. I believe it's called "Looking Out for Number 2." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jack Kevorkian now says he wants to open a chain of suicide clinics across the United States. Looks like Denny's is finally going to get some competition. From Late Night with Conan O' Brien: This week the FDA approved the sale of a new synthetic fat called Olestra. Opponents say the fake fat can cause diarrhea; although, manufacturers say it's fake diarrhea. From The Late Show with David Letterman: The statistics are starting to come in on Superbowl XXX. The week before the Superbowl, more Americans acquired new TVs than in any other time since the LA riots. Looks like accused murderer and eccentric millionaire John DuPont will have to close down his wrestling gym in his estate. You get the feeling where he's going there'll probably be a lot of guys who like to wrestle? In some parts of Iowa it was so cold that cows' ears were freezing and breaking off. You know what that means? Huge shortages in the hot dog industry. 2500 pigs ended up drunk on a farm outside Stockholm, Sweden after the grain they were given went stale, fermented, and turned into alcohol. Do you know how to tell when pigs are drunk? They start acting like men. In Paris, city officials are planning a new form of public transportation. Cars can be borrowed at any time, driven to different locations, and left there so that somebody else can drive them. We have that in L.A., I believe they're called carjackings. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: American Airlines is coming out with a cookbook of airline recipes called "Something Special in the Air." This, by the way, is also the title for the Taco Bell cookbook. Kevorkian's attorney announced that Dr. Kevorkian is threatening to go on a limited hunger strike. Isn't that called a diet? A woman in France is trying to marry a dead man. Apparently, this woman and man had a child together, he's dead, and now she wants to marry him so the boy will at least one day know that they were married. But the wedding got called off...I guess he got cold feet. Over the weekend, the first world conference on Auto-Urine Therapy was held. These people believe that you can cure diseases by drinking your own urine. And you thought hospital food was bad before. Hundreds of doctors and scientists from all over the world were at the Auto-Urine Therapy conference. They say to get used to the flavor, start with a glass of Zima. Las Vegas got an inch of snow. So for those of you waiting for hell to freeze over, there you go. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Paula Barbieri, O.J.'s ex-girlfriend, is now dating a Miami plastic surgeon. So, I guess she likes guys that are good with a knife. In a recent poll, 7 out of 10 high school students couldn't find Canada on a map. Well, I bet if they brought in the draft those kids would find it really fast. K-Mart is coming out with its own credit card. I guess it was invented so that people with Discover cards could finally have somebody to look down on. Yesterday in Egypt, more than 30 of the world's leaders attended an international anti-terrorism conference. They discussed ways to deter terrorism. For example, don't tempt terrorist with easy targets like putting 30 of the world's most important people under one roof. A dog in New Hampshire called 911 when its owner needed help. The dog dialed 911 and barked into the phone until the police arrived. Actually, the dog is not as smart as everyone thinks. Turns out he had to call information first. A company in Argentina has just come out with a new coffee that contains a laxative. This way it keeps you up while you're sitting down. The new K-Mart credit cards are experiencing a big problem with forgery. Apparently, people are too embarrassed to sign their own name. Hasbro is now marketing a new line of supermodel dolls. They're realistic too; pull the string and their heads turn and they completely ignore you. There's a new Amtrak ad that shows a man and a woman riding Amtrak and the guy asks if this is heaven or what. Well, if it's not, Amtrak will get you there soon enough. California, like England, also had an outbreak of Mad Cow disease...but we dealt with it differently than the English. Rather then kill the cows, we got a Beverly Hills therapist to bring the cows together and have them talk openly. Mad Cow disease from England has gotten very, very serious. Symptoms include nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, and stomach cramps. Don't all English food give you those symptoms? Mad Cow's disease is now getting wide press coverage. But actually, it's no longer called Mad Cow's disease. The new, more politically correct name is Hostility-Challenged Bovine Fever. "60 Minutes" did a huge investigation on a letter sent to Judge Ito claiming that one of the jurors on the O.J. trial was writing a book. "60 Minutes" thinks the letter is a phony, although a lot of people think it might have been somebody on the defense team that wrote the letter. The clues are there. One sentence at the end of the letter said, "If she's writing a book she must get the hook." Two of the largest banks in Los Angeles, Wells Fargo and First Interstate, have agreed to merge. The banks say they are going to pool their resources to make just one bank with the longest line in modern history. Former O.J. lawyer Alan Deschorweitz was on the news complaining that in the O.J. case he got paid less than he would have if he was a plumber. Actually a plumber has it easier than a defense lawyer. After a day's work, the plumber can just wash the slime off. Former O.J. defense lawyer Robert Shapiro is on a nationwide tour. He's going to New York, he's going to Boston, he's going to Texas, promoting his new book, "The Search for Justice." This proves, of course, if you want justice, you got to get as far away from Los Angeles as possible. |
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