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According to a new report by plastic surgeons, too many implants now are springing leaks. That explains why no matter where you are in L.A., you can always smell the ocean. Scientists at the University of California Berkeley say they have created a chip that is half human and half silicone. Well, so are half the women in Beverly Hills. According to a study by George Mason University, 43% of college graduates said they would change their major if they could do it all over again. And, almost 90% of college football players said they would change their majors if they knew what it was…. Beautiful weekend we had, 88 degrees. People were sweating like a guy with $30 in his pocket trying to fill up his Ford Navigator. In Los Angeles, education officials want to use part of Dodgers' stadium parking lot to build a high school. Forget the parking lot, use the stadium, the Dodgers aren't doing anything with it. John and Patsy Ramsey's book about the JonBenet Ramsey murder case came out last week, it's called "The Death of Innocence." For the book they set up a special section, "Alibiography." Education officials in L.A. said that they want to use part of Dodgers Stadium parking lot to build a new high school. The want to build a school with a cafeteria on the top level, classrooms in the middle level, and as usual the Dodgers are in the basement. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Monica Lewinsky has fired her personal trainer after just one day on the job. Apparently he went to the media and bragged that he was her personal trainer and she didn't want that kind of publicity. I understand she's very tight-lipped…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: China has plans to make cable TV available to 800 million viewers. But they don't have the Spice Channel, they have the MSG Channel…. It's becoming more common now that athletes are doing on the field can lead to criminal charges. Like today, while playing defense, the Clippers were arrested for loitering. Microsoft has lost its anti-trust suit against the government. The government said this week that they have to stop Microsoft because competition is the American way. Oh yeah. That's why the most popular game in America is Monopoly. There's a new book out for women called "How to Dump a Guy," tells you how to get rid of men you don't want to be around, and it says you should give the guy a lot of hints. Here's a hint: how's about letting him see you read a book called "How to Dump a Guy" ? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher: The first child ever born from a frozen embryo turned 16 this week. Do you know how she spent the day? Chillin'. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: CBS announced this week that they are going to make a movie-of-the-week about Elian Gonzalez. And since it's CBS, it's going to be told from the grandmother's point of view. From The Late Show with David Letterman: Authorities in Jonesboro, AK say the new fashion trend among teenage boys is wearing prison jumpsuits. That's not surprising. Kids always like to wear the same uniform as their favorite NFL players. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The San Fernando Valley is going to start converting wastewater from toilets into drinking water. This is called "From Toilet to Tap." That's wouldn't be my number 1 choice - or my number 2 choice. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, the most dangerous mid-size car in a crash test was the 1999 Daewoo Leganza. The good news: no one in America has ever bought one. Amtrak now has their own web site, but be careful though. I logged on and not only did my computer crash, it rolled off an embankment. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher: Looks like there's a break in the "ILOVEYOU" bug. Authorities are getting ready to press charges against a 23 year-old man in the Philippines. I wonder how women feel about this. Here's the one guy in the world not afraid to say, "I love you," and they put him in jail. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: "Sports Illustrated" is saying that the NBA wants to start a minor league for players not yet good enough yet to compete in the NBA. Don't we already have that? They're called the Clippers. Physicians at the University of Washington have recalculated the mass of the Earth. They say it weighs 6 sextillion metric tons, which is actually lighter than the last time they weighed it. Researchers speculate that the Earth weighs more because the last time they weighed the Earth right after the holidays. Last week at a museum in Chicago, the largest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever on Earth, dinosaur Sue, went on display. The dinosaur weighed 7 tons, moves at a top speed of 15 mph, and turns really slowly. So really, this was the first SUV. According to a survey, 56% of college students plan to move back in with their parents after they graduate. The other 44% didn't plan it, it just ended up that way. From The Late Show with David Letterman: Smoking is down in the United States. The number of cigarettes sold per person fell a record 8%. I wonder what happen to all those people that used to smoke.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Daryl Strawberry and his wife are expecting a baby in June. It's going to be a natural childbirth. No drugs for mom, just drugs for dad. Because of the great ratings of the "Jesus" mini-series, more religious programming is planned. Like at Fox, they're coming out with a more youth-oriented religious show - "Bethlehem 90210." The Lakers and Trail Blazers had a very close game 7 last Sunday. To give you an idea on how close it really was, in the fourth quarter a Lakers fan actually put down his cell phone. Pitcher John Rocker has been sent down to the Minor League after apparently threatening the "Sports Illustrated" writer who wrote the story [about his racial remarks]. Actually, Rocker said he's pretty relieved to be in the Minor League - at first he thought they sent him to the Minority League. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Here in L.A., a newspaper is advertising a law camp. You can send your kid to law camp for 2 weeks. Of course, it's run by lawyers, so they'll bill you for 3 weeks. Last week on "Survivor" they voted the lawyer off the island because he was the one person reluctant to eat a rat. Well, of course, no species eats its own. Last week was the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper (invited in 1904). To commemorate the anniversary of sandpaper, K-Mart is offering 25% off their generic toilet paper. From The Late Show with David Letterman: After the Lakers victory on Monday over the Pacers, there was million of dollars in damages. And that was just because some of the cars they burned had full tanks of gas. Car dealers are now selling the fire-damaged cars as 2000 Lakers Championship Editions.... More news from the Los Alamos Nuclear facility. Seems two employees from that lab there have been flown to Washington because they reportedly failed the lie detector test. They took them to Washington because apparently, that's where we keep all our liars. Joey Buttafuoco and his wife Mary Jo have separated. Mary Jo said that she'll always have a soft spot in her heart for him...and a soft spot on her head, too. The Ramsey's house in Boulder, CO is on sale for $1.2 million. It's a three story house: Patsy's story, John's story, and the police's story. Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. Now that it appears that her marriage to a lying, cheating, adultery is over, she said she would take the next logical step: run for the Senate in New York. From Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher: "Forbes" magazine has once again named Bill Gates the richest man in the world. On hearing this, Janet Reno said that Bill Gates should be broken up into 2 smaller rich men so as to eliminate a monopoly on that title. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact, half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week in an historic decision, the Supreme Court ruled that a New Jersey Boy Scout troop can kick out their Scoutmaster for being gay. The other night, the gay scoutmaster was on Larry King and said that of course the whole ordeal was very painful for him because the whole world knows now that he's from New Jersey. It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car.... The folks at McDonald's have a new slogan: We love to see you smile. This replaces the old slogan: Food, folks, and strokes. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sexy lingerie retailer Frederick's of Hollywood filed for bankruptcy. Today the workers were given their pink slips along with matching panties. Olympic track and field star, Ben Johnson (once the fastest man in the world), lost $7,000 while in Rome. A woman took his wallet and ran off with it. Tried to catch her but couldn't. Now the police want to arrest her. Arrest her? They should put her on the Olympic team. From The Late Show with David Letterman: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Government officials are now studying the effects of radiation on the brain from the use of cell phones. The cell phones, manufacturer's say, are perfectly safe to use. It sure didn't take long for those people in the tobacco industry to find jobs. According to a United Nations study released last week, half the people in the world do not have access to a toilet or even a decent latrine. I believe these people are called Exxon customers. From The Late Show with David Letterman: For the first time in years, you're going to be seeing more and more food items at the Sizzler restaurant. They're not changing the menu, they're just decided to clean the sneeze guard at the salad bar. Yugoslavia is building the Yugo again. These new Yugo's have some deluxe features, like heated rear windows. This will keep your hands warm while you're pushing it home. The number 1 movie over the weekend was "Hollow Man," starring Kevin Bacon. In the movie Kevin Bacon becomes completely invisible. Big deal - Vanilla Ice did this 8 years ago. The number 1 movie this week continues to be "Hollow Man," the movie where Kevin Bacon plays the invisible man. I wonder what it's like being completely invisible. I guess you can ask the two Supremes who were with Diana Ross.... Firestone is recalling as many as 20 million tires because the rubber just peeling off the tires. Thank God they don't make condoms. The phone company, Verizon, has almost settled their big phone strike. Did you know that on the East Coast now there's a backlog of over 100,000 repair requests. Although Verizon said that it's actually part of their call waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting feature. From The Late Show with David Letterman: The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws said last week that 12 million adults regularly smoke marijuana and still hold down jobs. But since the big recall, Firestone will have to let a lot of them go. According to a recent survey, a large number of men do not wash their hands before leaving the restroom. The survey-taker said he stood in the restroom for a week, observing men going in and out. 40% of the men wash their hands, 40% of the men did not wash their hands, and 20% of the men punched the guy in the face for watching them go to the restroom. Custom Advertising, from THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A federal appeals court has ruled that police in London, CT did not discriminate when they turned down a candidate who scored too high on the IQ test to become a police officer. They said they didn't want cops who were too smart because they would get bored of the job and quit. So, the way it works there is if you fail the IQ test you can be a cop, if you pass the IQ test you can't be a cop, and if they catch you cheating on the IQ test, then they make you a lawyer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Big break in the Los Alamos nuclear spy case. Chinese scientist Wen Ho Lee has pleaded guilty to one felony count. He's one sorry Ho.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: This month's issue of "Vanity Fair" claims that George W. Bush has dyslexia. He said he doesn't suffer from it often, only when he reads. More on dyslexia.... From The Late Show with David Letterman: The U.S. Men's Baseball team won the gold medal, defeating Cuba 4-0. The U.S. team got so excited that they lifted Tommy Lasorda - and that got them a gold in weightlifting. Monica Lewinsky said she was offered $1M to pose in "Playboy" but she didn't do it, she turned it down. Which is too bad, because she would've been Miss October, November, and December. Because of all these Olympic athletes failing drug tests, some people think it'll hurt the Olympics, others are optimistic, saying that it'll only make the Olympics better. I guess it depends if you see the cup of urine as half full or half empty.... NBC reporter Jimmy Roberts took viewers for a tour of an Australian brothel, and I guess a world record was set in the 100-meter dash by 9 married guys running outside to beat the cameras coming in. Anna Nicole-Smith was on TV again last week. She looks great. She lost 50 pounds - her 90 year-old shriveled up husband.... Last week the Wal-Mart Corporation came out with its own brand of wine. Finally, a Chardonnay you can enjoy with a hot dog. The FDA has approved that controversial abortion pill RU486. They've also approved another pill that men take during the woman's pregnancy, called RU-TheFather. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: President Clinton is back from Egypt. He's back from negotiating a cease-fire in the mid-east. Of course, we call it a cease-fire, they call it reloading.... The striking commercial actors have reached a tentative agreement ending their walkout, and all the actors that are in commercials are very excited. Well, as excited as people can be who are suffering from diarrhea, bad breath, hemorrhoids, yeast infections.... In the movie "Dr. T. and the Women," Richard Gere plays a gynecologist, but the film's not doing great. It's just not one of those movies that make women want to put their feet up and relax. Halloween is different here in L.A. For example, the trick or treaters in Beverly Hills are so snotty. In Beverly Hills, their idea of a haunted house is anything under $1.5M. We've said this before, but in Beverly Hills, Halloween is just so different. The kids in Beverly Hills don't even have those wax lips, they just get a shot of collagen for the day.... I was in a restaurant for lunch today, and it still had the Halloween decorations up. It had the dust and cobwebs up on the wall, and then I realized -- these aren't fake cobwebs, this is Planet Hollywood. Daryl Strawberry was arrested again for testing positive for cocaine. In fact, when he gave his urine test, powder came out. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The hot new game is the Sony Playstation 2's John Madden football. They say the graphics are so good, it's almost like you're playing professional football - kind of like the Cincinnati Bengals. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Researchers say they have come up with the world’s first marijuana suppository. This proves something that the government has been saying for years: Marijuana can lead to crack. In downtown L.A., the Lakers were serving food to the less fortunate, the Clippers. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Peoria, IL, a prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated by the authorities after he took the leg off and used it as a club in a brawl with another inmate. Here's my question: when you take your leg off and beat him with it, technically are you hitting him or kicking him? Researchers have come up with the world’s first marijuana suppository. You know who I’m sorry for – the drug-sniffing dogs. According to a new poll, 7% of California drivers say they read a book while driving. Isn't that unbelievable? Californians reading? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: 3 men in Taiwan managed to pull a 10-ton truck using only their penises. I'm surprised it took 3 of them.... The "New York Post" is reporting that people who sell fake, knock-off perfumes actually use human urine as one of the ingredients. So, that Chanel No. 5 you bought could actually be Chanel No. 1.... There's a big storm in the Midwest; 22 inches of snow in Chicago. In fact, O'Hare Airport has had more cancellations than NBC.... 7-Eleven now has a special gift section where you can buy Christmas presents. This is for people who want to combine the quality of K-Mart with the prices of Neiman-Marcus. Researchers at Stanford University say they've developed a drug called "Celexa," that helps women who are compulsive shoppers. They say it curbs the uncontrollable urge to shop. In fact, this weekend it goes on sale for 50% off.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: |
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