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After over 125 years in business, last Thursday Montgomery Wards officially announced that they were closing all their stores. I was shocked. I thought Wards went out of business 20 years ago.... Doctors in Singapore claim they have delivered the first baby conceived using both frozen sperm and a frozen egg. The doctors said they knew the mother was going into labor when her ice broke.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Doctors in Singapore have delivered the first baby using both a frozen egg and frozen sperm. Mother and baby are doing fine. In fact, they're both at home chillin'. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: I watched the Lakers' game the other night. Shaquille O'Neal blocked 4 shots - 3 of them Kobe's.... Things aren't good with the Lakers. Kobe says he's the new star of the Lakers and Shaq is calling Kobe selfish. Give you an idea how bad things are going - the Lakers are thinking about bringing back Dennis Rodman as a stabilizing influence. Feel the earthquake last Saturday? It was so strong it actually knocked the ball out of Kobe's hand.... Sad news. Ted Mann, founder of Mann's Theaters, one of the biggest, largest movie chains in the country, died last week. Services will be Sunday at 12.15, 3.30, 6.45, and 9.... The man who helped developed products such as Clearisil, Vagisil, and Odor Eaters has past away. That's a dedicated guy. I mean, how would you like to go to work everyday knowing you're surrounded by people who are smelly, pimply, and have an embarrassing itch so private they can only discuss it with their doctors. News from the world of science: physicists say for the first time in history they have been able to stop light. Big deal. Southern California Edison has been doing that for the past 3 weeks.... According to "Newsweek," the big trend now among teenagers now is coed slumber parties. Slumber parties where they invite both sexes and the parents allow it. Actually, when I was in high school, I remember boys and girls slept together all the time. We called it algebra class.... These sleazy sex shows [Fox's "Temptation Island'], that's the popular thing now. CBS has its own version coming out called "Everybody Rubs Raymond." This year the Super Bowl was broadcast in 25 different languages - and that's just in Los Angeles. It was 86 years ago last week that Alexander Graham Bell made the first transcontinental phone call. It took 23 minutes for the call to go through, there was a lot of static, and then it went dead. So, I guess they had Verizon back then.... Police in Los Angeles are searching for robbers that robbed 12 Radio Shacks in a row. Do you know why they're robbing Radio Shacks? No witnesses. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Japan, a 70 year-old man was choking on a rice cake when his relatives stuck a powerful vacuum cleaner hose down his throat, turned it on, sucked out the rice cake, and saved his life. I bet this guy is glad he wasn't constipated. Recently a handwritten note was found in a home once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken owner Colonel Sanders. For several days it was thought to contain the Colonel's secret recipe. Eventually they discovered the recipe was a fake because it requires real chicken. The XFL premiered this weekend. In fact, the quarterback for the L.A. Extreme has a lot in common with Kobe Bryant - he doesn't know much about passing either.... Scientists say plans are underway now to clone a human being by the year 2003. I thought human cloning has already taken place - last year's Clippers are this year's Lakers. Do you know what Hannibal calls a Black, a Latino, and a Taiwan guy? A BLT.... Do you know why Hannibal doesn't eat kids from Beverly Hills? They're spoiled. Ratings have not been too good for the XFL. Last Saturday night, it got beaten by the Fox show, "Cops." Which proves people would rather watch NFL players get arrested than XFL players play football.... What does Hannibal call a person in a really good mood? A happy meal.... Watching the Discovery channel last week, and they had this show about mocking birds. They were telling how mocking birds steal songs from other birds. I didn't know they had Napster. In an interview with "Vanity Fair" magazine, 75 year-old Hugh Hefner now says he has 7 girlfriends - one for each night of the week. Somebody should tell Heff - those are called nurses. One of Hugh Hefner's 7 girlfriends has left him. A spokesman said she left Hugh to focus on her acting career. I thought to pretending to enjoy sex with a 74 year-old guy was her acting career. According to the Commerce Department, our trade deficit is at an all-time high. It seems like we're buying a lot more foreign products than they are buying American. In fact, they said if it weren't for that spy, we wouldn't have sold any American stuff to Russia last year. The TV show "Extra" did an expose on pay phones and how germ-infested they are. They said the average pay phone mouthpiece has over a hundred viruses on it, including saliva and other bodily fluids. They said a one-minute phone call is like spending a month on "Temptation Island." A big earthquake hit Seattle last week; luckily no one was hurt. The earthquake effected a lot of businesses. In fact, today Microsoft released their new computer program, Shattered Windows 2001. 6.8 earthquake in Seattle last week. That's big. They said one more earthquake like that and the government won't have to break-up Microsoft. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Daimler-Chrysler is importing a new SUV from Germany called the Unimog. It's 20 feet long and weighs over 12,000 pounds. The largest SUV we have now is 4,500 pounds. It comes with 3 rows of seating: first class, business, and coach.... San Francisco wants to become the first city in the nation to finance with city money sex change operations for their city workers. This is part of their new "Don't ask, can't tell" program. The NBA suspended Lakers player J.R. Rider for violating the league's drug policy. I don't know how he got the joint, but you can pretty much rule out Kobe passing it.... There's a new collectible Barbie called "Whispering Wind" Barbie. My advice? Don't buy the companion doll, "Breaking Wind" Ken. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Walt Disney has offered to pay $450 million for the rights to Winnie the Pooh. The last time anybody in Hollywood paid that much for Pooh was when NBC bought XFL football. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The XFL football league got a special award from the city of Los Angeles for energy conservation. Seem every time comes on, thousands of people turn their TVs off.... The Academy Awards are less than a week away. Producers are taking extra precautions to make sure the Oscars don't get stolen. In fact, to be doubly sure nobody takes them, each statute is being shipped in a box marked, "XFL Season Tickets." A TWA flight landed at the wrong airport in Colorado after the pilot got lost. Do you know what TWA stands for? The Wrong Airport.... Power blackouts are plaguing Los Angeles. Computer went out in a lot of state office buildings. Consequently, a lot of government workers were forced to play solitaire with real cards. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Bad week for the Lakers last week. Kobe got hurt pretty bad - twisted his ankle after making a pass to Shaq. Well, that's always going to happen the first time you try something. In Portland, OR, a woman charged with shooting her husband, cutting up his body into little parts, and then scattering his parts around the neighborhood, plead guilty to a lesser charge. What is the lesser charge? Littering? Did you all watch the Academy Awards on Sunday? Or as we call it, Crouching Wonderbra, Hidden Implants.... "Gladiator" won best actor and best picture. I'll tell you why "Gladiator" won. I think Hollywood was blown away by the whole concept of stabbing people in the front. A judge in Arkansas has thrown out Arkansas' law against sodomy. All of Arkansas is behind him now.... A McDonald's in Canada is being sued by a family that claims they found a severed rat head in their Big Mac. To make things worse, the rat had eaten all the cheese too. How many Southern California Edison workers does it take to screw on a light bulb? None - they're too busy screwing consumers. For the first time ever, white people are no longer the majority in California - except on Prime Time TV. It was this week in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and every postal worker carried a rifle. So basically, nothing's changed. American military experts are afraid the Chinese will reverse engineer [take apart and built their own] spy plane. Have you seen our spy plane? It has propellers on it. The Chinese said they're taking a hard stance. In fact, they say they're going to double the amount of MSG they put in our food. Last week Nick was voted off "Survivor." Nick was the last black guy on the show. So, now you got 6 people left, they're all white. Or, as we call it here on NBC, "Friends." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, he's working out. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Ku Klux Klan has been dropped from Missouri's adopt-a-highway program. A bunch of people sued to keep the Ku Klux Klan off the highway, and then last month the Supreme Court ruled they are an organization and they should allowed to stay in the program. Then state officials kicked the Klan out because they said the Klan did not properly maintain the highway they adopted. Apparently, the Klan was only picking up the white trash. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The rumor is Michael Jordan may return to pro-basketball. Hey, I'll be happy if the Chicago Bulls returned to pro-basketball. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Analysts say that gasoline may go to $3 a gallon. So your SUV might stand for stationary utility vehicle. According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a baby to college? A college professor in Columbia University in New York has found a procedure that can turn gay men into straight men. I think it's called parole. Last week, Robert Blake's attorney said they are focused on one thing, and one thing only: getting that O.J. jury back together.... You know what was the most popular line in the unemployment office this week? What XFL team did you play for? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NBC revealed its new Fall line up this week. Lots of innovative, new ideas. NBC has three new shows it thinks will be huge hits: East Wing, North Wing, and South Wing. Gas is going to be $3 a gallon this summer. This is unbelievable. When I was single, that was the price of good wine. They had the premiere of "Pearl Harbor" last week in Hawaii at the real Pearl Harbor site. A lot of the surviving American Pearl Harbor veterans were there. They even had some Japanese veterans there. Actually, they crashed the party.... A stripper who was linked to the FBI agent Robert Hansen, the one arrested for spying, said they never had any kind of sexual contact or relationship. She said he tried to convince her to change her life. He wanted to get her to stop stripping and start going to church. Being a traitor to your country is one thing, but getting women to stop taking their clothes off, that is un-American! From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Here's some good news: it looks like this summer, Californians will get early warnings of blackouts. Here's the bad news: the early warnings are June, July, and August. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: I guess we're hearing about this, the big, big story in the news: there has been a request for a stay of execution. But the NBA ruled, "No, the 76's have to play the Lakers." Firestone has severed its ties with Ford. Well, if there's one thing Firestone is good for, it's breaking up.... Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Australia are looking for ways to make auto parts out of hemp, which is a derivative of marijuana. You thought people liked the new car smell before.... Seems police in India found 86 human skulls and bones at a bus stop. And you thought the buses here were slow.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Nepal, when a King dies, it is customary for the people to eat the ashes of the King. Isn't that ironic? One minute you're the King sitting on the throne passing laws. The next minute you're on the throne passing the King.... NBC has another new show coming on in the Fall called, "Criminal Intent." The show challenges the viewer to solve the crime before the police do -- kind of like the Robert Blake case. "Consumer Reports" has rated the Mitsubishi Montero unacceptable because it can tip over during certain driving conditions - like when it's carrying passengers.... Mitsubishi has a new slogan: You'll flip over our new SUV.... According to "USA Today," filming for the second "Star Wars" prequel has been completed. George Lucas said less action, more romance in this next "Star Wars" film. And you thought Darth Vader did a lot of heavy breathing now. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to "Forbes" magazine, Bill Gates is still the richest man in the world - $58 billion. That just goes to show you how much money you can save when you don't have to buy computer software every six months.... He [Bill Gates] is so rich, instead of toilet paper, he has an ATM in his bathroom. Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant just bought a 16,000 square-foot house in Orange County, complete with a lake stocked with fish, bumper cars, and a replica of a pirate ship. Didn't that used to be called Disneyland? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Beijing, China has been chosen to host the 2008 Olympic games. And since it's in China, they said they would put a star next to the events that are really spicy. In Tokyo, a man who had been dead for 13 years was found in his son's freezer. The son kept his father in the freezer hoping to bring him back some day. Do you know what the son called him? POPsicle.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The FBI has admitted that they have misplaced 449 guns and 148 laptop computers. That's why FBI agents are called G-men. They keep going, "Gee. Where's my gun?" From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In New Jersey, 170 people have been charged with staging automobile crashes to collect the insurance claims. Between Firestone tires, Ford Explorers, and Mitsubishi Monteros, do we need to stage crashes anymore? Ford is now installing voice-activated cell phones in their cars and SUVs. Do you know how these things work? If you say, "office," it'll call your office; you say, "home," it'll dial your home; and if you say, "Firestone," it'll dial 911. Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers' is getting married. Do you know why he's getting married? It's the only chance he's going to get a ring.... Russia now is asking its citizens to have more children. Seems that the population is dropping below 0% population growth in Russia. In fact, they say if the trend doesn't change in the next for years, they're going to have to start their own NBA franchise. "Planet of the Apes" has a fast food tie-in with Taco Bell. Every burrito sold at Taco Bell this month will have a hair in it. According to a new medical study, the female sex drive peaks in the month of July. That proves that God is a big sports fan - he timed it so that it doesn't occur when there are any playoffs on TV. From The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The name of the new "Star Wars" movie was officially revealed last week. It's going to be called "Sorry About that Last One." New book came out said the worse airport in the country for passengers who experience air rage is in Las Vegas. Apparently, people who have lost their life savings get a little testy when charged $4 for a headset. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study, only 1 out of 4 8th graders in America demonstrate a sound understanding of math. Do you know what we call those kids? Asians. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Big shake-up at CBS. They're moving "Touched By an Angel" from Sunday to Saturday nights and they promised more action in the show. In fact, the new slogan is "Less Angel, More Touching." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A company in Pennsylvania now selling the world's first beer-flavored ice cream. Now you'll get brainfreeze and a hangover at the same time. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NBC premiered a brand new program last week called, "Lost." This is a show where they drop six people somewhere in the world, these people pair up, and the first team that make it to the Statute of Liberty wins $200,000. I think my grandparents played this game. It was called "Immigration." A moment of silence.... Some big economic news released last week. For the first time our country has 150 million people who are considered middle-class. The bad news: last week they were considered wealthy. Have you seen these commercials for these low jeans? They're cut so low, they're below the hip. They show these young women, these supermodels that are 80-pounds wearing them, and they're called super low jeans. Then you see real women wearing them and you call them overflow jeans.... My wife and I just wanted to get away this weekend. We just wanted to go to a quiet place where we could sit in solitude with nobody around. So, I took her to a theater showing "Glitter." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A former member of Bin Laden's group told ABC News that Bin Laden is prepared to die, which works out great, because we're prepared to help him. Some airlines announced last week they are stopping meal service on domestic flights. So you see, they are doing anything to get people to come back. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The latest word is that a sneak attack is being staged against Bin Laden. Rebel troops are massing in the north and U.S. and British special forces are collecting intelligence on his location. And Bin Laden knows nothing about this - unless, of course, he turns on CNN. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The "National Enquirer" has sent a reporter to Afghanistan to infiltrate the Taliban. When Bush said he would unleash our greatest spies, I'd just assume it was the CIA…. If you see them on TV, the Taliban leaders, they all smoke. And, the one's that don't smoke - they should be smoking pretty soon…. Thanks to all the coverage, Americans are finally starting to see just how oppressive the Taliban regime can be. In Afghanistan, there's no dancing, there's no singing, there's no music. It's just like the movie "Glitter." People are in the patriotic spirit. 10 days ago we had a flag shortage in this country, but in less than a week, we had millions of flags printed, sewn, boxed, and shipped here from Taiwan. There was a 5.0 earthquake in Afghanistan last week. So, good news: God has apparently joined the coalition. U.S. and British forces are dropping 37,000 food packets to the Afghan people. Actually, the U.S. food is for the Afghan people, the British food is for the Taliban. According to "Entertainment Weekly," the Pentagon has contacted Hollywood screenwriters and other people in Hollywood, they're trying to get ideas from them on what they think the terrorists next move will be. Actually, the Army got one good tip: the producers of "Glitter" showed them how to evacuate a building very quickly. The FBI now says that water supplies could be considered a logical target for terrorist attacks, which has Beverly Hills very upset. Because, if the terrorists put something in the water, this could damage the finish in the Mercedes when the chauffeur goes to the wash. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Over the weekend, Mike Tyson fought Brian Nielsen in Denmark. Long layoff for Tyson. This is the first fight in over 6 months that Tyson's had with a man. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A blonde Brazilian woman was awarded $1,300 after she successfully sued her boss for his repeated dumb blonde jokes. I don't even think the boss learned his lesson. He said if she had been a brunette, he wouldn't have had to repeat them so much…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Michael Jordan returned to the NBA this week. His only problem, the Washington Wizards returned with him. In Nashville for Halloween, health officials put together what they call "The Haunted House of Unsafe Sex." It's for teenagers to learn about risky sexual behavior. The tour includes pictures of male and female sex organs with syphilis and canker sores. If you miss it, you can just watch the final episode of Fox's "Temptation Island." According to a survey just out last week, 54% OF American lawyers said they would not represent terrorists on moral ground. The other 46% said, "Moral ground? What's that?" At the Emmy's this weekend, "Sex and the City" won for Best Comedy Series and "The Sopranos" won for best actor and actress. So much for Hollywood's pledge for less sex and violence. The latest speculation now is that terrorists are targeting California. Earthquakes, fires, floods, drive-by's, smog, gangs…get in line. A new poll of kids across the country show 40% of kids still believe Santa Claus exists, 30% of kids still believe the Easter Bunny exists, and 10% of kids still believe airport security exists…. Billionaire Michael Bloomberg is the new mayor of New York City. He said even though he is a billionaire, he'll still look out for the little people -- the millionaires. A professor of African-American studies at Harvard by the name of Cornell West has just released an album of hip-hop music. You can tell he's from Harvard because his rap name is Ph.D. Northwest Airlines has removed artificial sweeteners and powdered coffee creamers from all their flights because they could be mistaken for anthrax. The in-flight meals have also been removed for fear they might be mistaken as food. Now at security checkpoints at the airports, before they let you through with a cell phone you have to prove your cell phone actually works. That's got to be bad news for Verizon customers…. A report in "USA Today" said that Iowa's Amish community was not as shaken up by recent events as other Americans were. Do you think the fact that they don't have TVs or radios has anything to do with it? According to an amazing new study published in the American Heart Journal, prayer improves the outcome for heart patients by 30%. Unless, of course, you're in an HMO - then you don't have a prayer…. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said that he's worried Bin Laden may have fled Afghanistan. You see, Afghanistan has such porous borders that people can snake across back and forth without being detected. Thank God that couldn't happen in this country. The day before Thanksgiving is the biggest travel day of the year - 40 million traveled, and that was just members of the Taliban running back into the hills. Last week on the Discover Channel, they had a fascinating special on turkeys. Turkeys have been genetically engineered for the last hundred years to have tiny brains, huge breasts, and to peck their food. They're like the supermodels of the animal kingdom. This Harry Potter phenomenon - everything is Harry Potter. In England now they even have a Harry Potter toothpaste. That's how you know that Harry Potter is popular - when you sell toothpaste to the English. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to this week's issue of "Newsweek" magazine, Osama Bin Laden recently ordered and received a shipment of gas masks. Well sure, if you spend Thanksgiving weekend holed up in a cave with 20 guys, you'll want them, too. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Detroit Lions are now 0-12. No, I'm sorry, that's next week's joke…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: How do you keep Lions from attacking? Put up a goalpost…. More and more news coming about this American named John Walker, this kid who fought with the Taliban. Turns out he went to a terrorist school in Afghanistan. Or, as we call it over here, pre-law. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Zookeepers in China are showing tigers movies of other tigers having sex in hopes that this will get the tigers to mate. So far no tigers have mated, but the male tigers have learned how to fast forward to the good parts. The Detroit Lions won their first game of the year last Sunday, and you could feel the excitement. In fact, I got this Detroit Lions watch, but the guy told me it takes 12 weeks to start working. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study, 19% of doctors said they would be willing to administer a lethal injection to a patient. But they said the patient would have to be really, really behind in his payments. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Some sad news: NBC has canceled "Inside Schwartz." That's the show where they try to mix sports with comedy - kind of like what the Detroit Lions try to do. |
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