|
Have you seen Bin Laden's last video? He is so thin and gaunt now that he's been asked by "Vogue" to be a cover model. Many of these Al Qaeda fighters that are being detained in Kandahar are now receiving medical treatment. In fact, they say most of these guys have never seen a doctor in their whole life, ever. Apparently, they have HMOs there, too. Guys, here's a great way to tell if you had a good time on New Year's Eve. Today is three days later and if your wife's still not talking to you, you probably had a great time. Passengers are now being asked to subdue terrorists [on planes]. Do you realize that people on airplanes this year made more tackles than the Detroit Lions? Still no word from Osama Bin Laden. See his last video? He looked near death - very frail, very gaunt. You think he's ready for 72 virgins? It doesn't look like he can handle one 72 year-old virgin. More details coming out about the guy who tried to light his shoe on fire, Richard Reed. Turns out he is part Jamaican, which is kind of ironic. When was the last time you saw a guy from Jamaica who couldn't keep something lit? Did you watch the Rose Bowl last week? The Rose Bowl determines the champions of the BCS, which stands for "Boy, Cornhuskers Suck." The [Rose Bowl] game was 34-0 at half-time. ABC almost didn't air the second half of the game. They almost didn't air it because they have that law where they televise an execution. Looks like India and Pakistan are on the verge of war. You know what that means - this could drive the price of Slurpees right through the roof. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Airlines say they're saving money by cutting back on in-flight meals. In fact, a lot of airlines eliminating the meals altogether. Well, that decision alone could save a few lives. More Al Qaida and Taliban prisoners were flown to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they're sedated, they're drugged, their feet are bound, they're chained to their chairs - or as Continental calls it, coach. K-Mart now in big trouble. They say now they're having trouble keeping up with their nearest competition. Which would be what? Garage sales? The Golden Globes are known as the most fun awards because it's the only place where the TV and movie actors appear together - not counting rehab…. Another group of Al Qaida prisoners have been delivered to Guantanamo Bay there in Cuba. Officials say the living conditions for the prisoners will be humane but not comfortable, which, I think, is Motel 6's slogan. There was a warning issued by the Federal Trade Commission. Some places are selling travel packages to the Superbowl that do not contain tickets to the game. They fly you to New Orleans, you get the hotel and you get the meals, but you're not able to go to the game. I think it's called the "Detroit Lions Package." Scientists are now saying that pigs fed a diet of potato chips are actually healthier. Pigs eating potato chips - or as women call it, a Superbowl party. During the halftime show at the Superbowl, NBC is going to feature Playboy Playmates confronting their biggest fears in a special episode of "Fear Factor." What would that be? Being forced to read? Do math? Amtrak announced this week they have lost $1.1 billion last year. And most of that was money falling out of people's pockets when the trains were upside down. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a professor from the University of California, one-third of the world's population has never made a phone call. So, I guess they must have Verizon, too. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Tyson-Lewis fight was rejected by Las Vegas and it looks like we'll have it in L.A. at the Staples Center. All Tyson needs to fight is a boxing license. Do you think they'll give it to him? We gave Rodney King a driver's license, Robert Blake a gun license, and O.J. Simpson a marriage license…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: They are giving out over 250,000 condoms at the Olympics, and most of those are expected to be used by athletes being screwed by the pro-Russian judges. Former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay went to church in Houston. On the way out of church, a reporter asked him how he was doing, and he said, "With God's help, we'll get through it." To which the Devil said, "Hey, wait a minute. I thought we had a deal…." The Heinz Ketchup Company has come out with the world's first chocolate french fries. I guess somebody decided our children weren't fat enough…. Jim Shea won the gold medal in men's skeleton. He says the key to his success is visualization. To go downhill quickly, he visualizes himself as a share of Enron stock. In speed skating, South Korea says it's considering filing a lawsuit against the judge who disqualified their speed skater. Boy, it doesn't take people long to figure out how things work in America. The FBI announced last week that it has confiscated over 30,000 counterfeit Olympic pins. They say these counterfeit pins are made in China, as opposed to the real pins, which, of course, are made in Korea…. If you get caught selling fake Olympic pins, you could be fined $2 million and get 10 years in prison. It's a good thing Ken Lay and the Enron guys were just screwing people out of their life-savings. NBC stands to make $75 million profit from the Olympic games. You know who made the second highest profit at the Games? Skating judges…. According to "Access Hollywood," the hottest new workout trend in Hollywood - lifting heavy objects. All the stars are lifting stuff like rocks, anvils, and sandbags. Everywhere else in America it's called work. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: It was a great night for African-Americans [at the 74th Annual Academy Awards]. It was kind of like an NBA game - all white audience watching the black people score. (more on the Academy Awards): A new law in Germany grants prostitutes the right to a 40 hour workweek plus stock options, and they said this has helped to divert a massive prostitute strike. Well thank God for them - last thing you want to do is visit some scab hooker…. How about this new show on ABC where they put this single guy with 25 women in a house then he goes through them one by one to try to find the perfect mate - it's called "The Bachelor." One guy in a house with 25 women; he has to find a woman who best caters to his needs and fantasies. Didn't that used to be called a whorehouse? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new report, the most popular music in Afghanistan right now is disco. Apparently, what we've done is a compromise - we took them out of the 13th century, but only brought them up to 1978. Another embarrassing immigration incident. This time authorities in Texas have arrested one of four Pakistanis who were allowed in this country by mistake, eventhough they didn't have Visas. Of course, all the world leaders are weighing in on this. The president of Germany said no one from his country has ever been allowed in the U.S. without a Visa. The president of France said no one from his country has ever been allowed in the U.S. without a Visa. And, the president of Mexico said, "What's a Visa?" Home Depot has announced they are going to open their first in a series of small format stores in Brooklyn, NY. We used to have these before Home Depot put them out of business. They were called hardware stores…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A former stripper who became the mayor of Georgetown, CO has been removed from office by a recount vote. What does she do now? She was a stripper, then she became a disgraced politician. What's next? Law school? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the Discovery Channel, there is a breed of tiger with no teeth and no killer instinct. I believe they're called the Detroit Tigers…. The CEO of Cracker Barrel restaurants says the discrimination lawsuit against his restaurants is really a case of miscommunication. He says that slow service and cold food, although perceived as discrimination, is really just slow service and cold food. That's a great defense - we're not a racist restaurant, we're just a really bad restaurant. The National Medical Association calling on drug companies to use more minorities in their prescription drug commercials. It's about time. How come it's always white people with herpes and bladder control problems? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Scientists say the are close to developing organic sensors that you can implant in food and it will change color to tell you when the food's gone bad. Don't we have that already? It's called mold. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In his latest video, Osama Bin Laden gloats about the damage he did to the U.S. economy. Let me tell you something - most of that damage was done by Americans at Enron! According to the latest intelligence reports, Osama Bin Laden escaped from Tora Bora last December and they say he's probably hidden somewhere even more remote like northern Pakistan or even out in Barstow. Last week the California Highway Patrol reported a number of cars crashed into each other on the Golden State Freeway when a nude woman was spotted walking along the side of the road. Drivers say they couldn't believe their eyes - somebody in L.A. walking…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: U.S. Cardinals say they're going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal with sexual molestation. Don't they have that already? I think it's called the Bible. Last Wednesday was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." You know who has it roughest on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"? NBA players. They have daughters in Seattle, Denver, Atlanta, New York,…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In "USA Today," the man who trains suicide bombers said he does not accept everyone who volunteers. In fact, some of the rejects get so depressed they actually lose the will to die. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: ABC now says they're taking applications for another show called, "The Bachelorette." This will feature one woman and 25 men. Wasn't that the whole plot of "Debbie Does Dallas"? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The French figure skating judge (the one involved in that huge Olympic figure skating controversy) was suspended last week for three years. That's very effective…considering the next Winter Olympics is in four years…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: "Spider-Man" had the biggest movie opening of all time - $114 million. It starred Tobey MacGuire. The role was pretty strenuous. In fact, he said to learn to be upside down for long periods of time, he practiced by riding Amtrak. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a British survey, 50% of men said they could not tell if a woman's breasts are real or fake - and the other 50% don't care…. According to the latest Gallup Poll, one-quarter of all Americans are bilingual. The other three-quarters don't speak any English at all. According to a study by the National Science Foundation, 70% of Americans do not understand science. Here's the real scary part: 30% don't even know what 70% means. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A woman from England claims she has seen the original "Star Wars" over 1,000 times. She said she never gets bored with it because there's always something you don't remember. I think that's her medication. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: New club in L.A. called Club Curves, it's a club that caters to plus size women. It is a great idea because there are a lot of beautiful, big girls out there; a lot of guys like the plus sized women. This is a place where they can go, meet a beautiful woman, get a drink, chew the fat.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a story in the "New York Times," people travelling by plane this summer are likely to face long delays, huge lines, rude service, and lots of inconveniences. So basically, airline travel getting back to normal. Federal transportation officials announced plans to set up a toll free phone number that air travelers can call from the plane if they are being hijacked. Is the toll free part that big a deal? According to "Glamour" magazine, women inadvertently eat about four pounds of lipstick in their lifetime. In fact, if it weren't for lipstick, most supermodels wouldn't get anything to eat at all. The ratings were huge [for the NBA Western Conference Finals]. Seemed like everybody was watching the series - except for the Refs…. An inventor has come out with a product called a safety turtle. It's the size of a wristwatch and you attach it to a child and it sends out a signal if the child falls in the pool. When I was a child, we had something similar to that. It was called a parent. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Over in the Middle East, they had their first gay pride parade in Jerusalem, but the Orthodox religious leaders condemned the parade saying it would drive holiness out of the city. God forbid. You wouldn't want to disturb the peaceful tranquility of Jerusalem. In Pennsylvania, a group of Amish people is refusing to put red triangle safety reflectors on their horse drawn buggies, as required by law. The Amish say it's against their beliefs to own or do anything that attracts attention - like a horse drawn buggy on the highway. McDonald's announced they are testing a new spam-based breakfast meal. It's spam, combined with scrambled eggs and rice. Or, as they call it down at the trailer parks, Chinese food. Over the weekend, Catholic Bishops voted 278 to 13 for a zero-tolerance policy. You know, maybe somebody should keep an eye on the 13…. A 5.0 earthquake hit northern Kentucky earlier this week. Luckily, no one was killed, but some homes were so badly damaged they were declared undriveable. Cadillac has announced they've just come out with a new Escalade EXT truck. It's over three tons, 220 inches long. Escalade is a Latin word meaning Honda-crusher. The crew of the Oscar Meyer wiener mobile was questioned by police after the wiener mobile accidentally strayed onto an access road next to the Pentagon. Even though it seems harmless, authorities were concerned about the wiener mobile because nobody know what's inside a hot dog. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week a federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled the pledge of allegiance is an unconstitutional endorsement of religion and cannot be recited in school. I bet a lot of people said amen to that. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Looks like Amtrak may be shutting down, which will hurt a lot of businesses: the ambulance business, trauma business, salvage train business…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Astronomers at Johns Hopkins University said after years of study, they've concluded that the color of the universe is not a dark green like they thought, but actually a cosmic, latte-beige. And this study once and for all, proves the existence of gay astronomers. Ted Williams' son wants to freeze his father's body and sell his DNA. You know what he's going to call them? Popsicles…. According to the latest figures, L.A.'s economy is bigger than all of Mexico. That's because we are Mexico. Former Hollywood super-agent Mike Ovitz - this guy used to be the most powerful man in town - says in the current issue of "Vanity Fair" magazine, he is no longer one of the most powerful men in Hollywood because of the gay mafia. You don't mess with the gay mafia - instead of your legs, they break your nails. The state of Nevada said they are considering legalizing small amounts of marijuana, but opponents of the measure say they are concerned that marijuana might attract the wrong element to Nevada. You wouldn't want anybody smoking a joint in front of the whorehouse…. MTV has a new show coming out called "Crashing With," which follows different rap stars. Doesn't FOX already have a show that follows rappers around? It's called "Cops." A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future by feeling their naked buttocks. I believe this is called "asstrology." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study on race relations, although the races seem to be coming together, in many areas blacks and whites are radically different - especially on the dance floor…. Scientists said this week they found a way to enlarge the brains of mice. You know what it means if we have rats and mice with bigger brains? You know what we'd have? Smarter hot dogs. This week, five executives of the Adelphia cable TV company arrested on charges of stealing from their own company. They stole billions. In fact, this is called the biggest cable rip-off since the last Tyson fight. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: This week, five executives of the Adelphia cable TV company arrested on charges of stealing from their own company. They stole billions. In fact, to teach them a lesson, when the police arrested them, they made them wait at the station house between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. A man in New York City is suing McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Kentucky Fried Chicken, claiming their food made him fat. And now he's suing Victoria's Secret for making him play with himself. This week, 23 young Cubans have defected to Canada. That's a sign that our economy is in bad shape, when Cubans are bypassing the U.S. and rowing directly to Canada. Have you seen this ad on TV for the bottomless bucket of crabs? I couldn't tell if this was an ad for Red Lobster or if they were bringing back "Temptation Island." Budget Rent-A-Car filed for bankruptcy last week. Apparently, they never learned to budget…. Anheuser-Busch has donated $5 million to the University of California at Davis to build an on-campus brewery; they're building a beer lab on campus. Didn't that used to be called a dorm? A doctor in Massachusetts has been suspended for leaving a patient in the middle of spinal surgery to go to the bank for 35 minutes to deposit a check. The patient was furious, he wanted to complain, but, he didn't have the backbone…. In business news, the Justice Department is now investigating the business practices of AOL. I think AOL now stands for "Ask Our Lawyers." A Houston woman has been arrested for running over her husband three times and killing him with her Mercedes. The woman claims it was an accident. Three times. That shows you what a smooth ride the Mercedes is…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab. That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone else. Last week in "TV Guide," Amanda from the ABC show "The Bachelor," said that Alex, the guy she got fixed-up with, lied to her on many occasions. She also said Alex was obsessed with a career in show business and is now taking lessons. That's got to break a young girl's heart. To know the guy you got fixed-up with on a TV show and had sex with on camera turned out to be shallow…. An estimated 9 million Americans suffer from depression. You know what the medical term for these people is? Baseball fans. U.S. Air, the seventh largest carrier, has filed for bankruptcy. Two more airlines filed last week, Midway and Vanguard. In fact, so many airlines are in trouble now, Boeing introduced their newest jet, the 7-Chapter 11. Death row inmates in Florida now suing the state of Florida over temperatures in their cells. Death row inmates say it's too hot to stay in their cells. Boy, they're going to hate the electric chair. A female scientist in Boston has invented a soft drink she says will cure PMS. In fact, if you mix it with vodka, you get a new drink called the Crabby Mary. McDonald's announced they're coming out with healthier French fries - 50% less fat. Which is great, now you can get two orders. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The city of Los Angeles turned 221 years old last week; it was founded back in 1781. Think about what it was like back then - it took all day to et across the city, there was danger everywhere, the natives only spoke Spanish - so nothing's changed really. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Internal Revenue Service is reporting that a number of their computers are missing; they can't find some of their computers. Let's hope they save their receipts…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time. At Clairemont, Kentucky, workers at the Jim Beam bottling plant are complaining they're only allowed four bathroom breaks per shift. They say it's not enough and some of them are wearing Depends. Is that a good idea? Their job involves filling empty bottles…. The "New York Times" is now running same-sex-wedding announcements. If you're reading wedding announcements in the paper and you're a guy, you're already gay. The man who started the Dunkin' Donuts chain has passed away at the age of 87. Doctors said they knew he was gone when his eyes just glazed over. (more on the Dunkin' Donuts….) More information coming out from Buffalo, NY about those six alleged Al Qaeda members that are being held on terrorism charges. One of the men arrested listed his occupation as telemarketer. Forget the terrorism, that alone should get him life in prison. The Washington State Supreme Court ruled last week that a creepy guy who videotapes women's skirts with a hidden is not violating the state's anti-voyeurism law; this is legal. The court ruled that the law only protects people from being videotaped in an area where there would be a reasonable expectation of privacy - like your crotch…? …more on the Washington State Supreme Court's ruling: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Congratulations to the Pillsbury Doughboy - turned 38 years-old, he's getting up there in age. Now, when somebody pokes him, it's to check his prostate. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to "Time" magazine, a Pakistani businessman claims he had a homosexual affair with American Taliban fighter John Walker Lynn. Say what you will, but when this guy decides to play for the other team, he goes all the way. A store in Copenhagen was robbed over the weekend. In the middle of the night, somebody drilled a hole through the display window, stuck the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner in the hole, and sucked out $12,000 worth of jewelry. This guy is like every women's fantasy come true - a guy who vacuums and then brings you jewelry. Boston is having trouble with rowdy teenagers hanging around the subway stations. To drive them away, they started playing show tunes; and it worked, the kids left. The only problem is, now they're attracting rowdy gay teens. HBO is coming out with a reality show that will be set at a brothel in Nevada. Don't we already have a show about hookers? It's called, "The Bachelor." The WB has a new kind of show coming out based on the MTV show "The Real World." This is "The Surreal Life," where they have celebrities all rooming together. Isn't that called rehab? According to a new study, almost 1/3rd of all Americans are obese. Looks like Sara Lee is kicking Jenny Craig's ass. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Toyota announced last week they are testing a new device that critiques your driving skills while you're driving. Don't we have this already? It's called your spouse…. There's a new book out called, "A Bitch in the House," a collection of stories by women about all the stress in their daily lives. It's a follow-up to the number one best seller, "That Bastard on the Couch." VH-1 is planning a weekly show called, "Music Behind Bars," which will feature thieves, thugs, and murderers playing music inside jail. The show will also be called, "Before They Were Rappers." From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new report, Southern California is experiencing its worse pollution season in years. Isn't that scary? Air pollution is now officially a season here in L.A. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The National Institute of Safety and Health says that sitting on a bicycle seat can cause impotence in men. You know what's even worse? Sitting on a bicycle without a seat. Psychologists at Duke University say putting Velcro mittens on babies helps them develop mentally quicker because they can pick objects and examine them more easily because of the Velcro. And, if you set him down on shag carpeting, he can't crawl away. According to researchers at the University of Maryland in Baltimore, women laugh more than men. You know what they're laughing at right? Men. A Singapore Airways flight from Singapore to London carrying 178 passengers made an emergency landing in New Delhi, India, after a package containing a toothbrush sparked a bomb scare. You see why the crew was frightened, they're British, they've never seen a toothbrush before. An amazing discovery was made this weekend in Houston, TX - the Bengals found the endzone. Voters in Durham, North Carolina who didn't have a ride to the polls were offered free limo rides from a local funeral home. A funeral home limo - isn't that called a hearst? For the first time since 1979, there's no curfew in Kabul, Afghanistan. Now the hard part - trying to find something to do. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Olympia, Washington, a 47 year-old mother has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for throwing a birthday party for her 16 year-old son that included marijuana, alcohol, and strippers. Now she's got even bigger problems - what to do for his 17th birthday. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the UN sanctions, Iraq must supply an accurate and honest accounting of all their weapons. Good luck - we can't even get that from Worldcom and Enron. Last week was the final episode of "The Bachelor." Now ABC should air the show that men want to watch: "The Bachelor Party"! According to Chinese scientists, garlic and onions may cut the risk of getting prostate cancer in half. You won't die, but you'll smell like you're dead. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: It's official: L.A. has now moved pass New York as the murder capital of the U.S. they say it's because of all the guns we have here in L.A. it's unbelievable, everybody in L.A. can shoot - except for the Lakers. Last Wednesday was the biggest travel day of the year, 40 million traveling; and that was just coming across Mexico. "Playboy" magazine announced they are laying off 8% of their workforce. You know which 8% is being laid-off? The guy who writes the articles. Looks like the Clippers got their wish: they're as good as the Lakers. UN weapon inspectors spent this past weekend visiting three alcohol beverage plants in Iraq. I think I'm beginning to understand why these guys haven't found anything yet. The man who started Winchell's donuts died at the age of 87. He died peacefully - people said his eyes just glazed over. The Archdiocese in Boston facing 450 sex abuse lawsuits. One priest fathered two kids, one traded cocaine for sex with boys, one had sex with teenage girls trained to be nuns. I think these guys looked at the Ten Commandments and thought it was some to-do list. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: "Maid in Manhattan" was the number 1 film and the number 2 film was "Star Trek: Nemesis." So the number 1 movie is a date movie and the number 2 movie is a movie for guys who can't get dates. Al Qaeda has issued new threats against the United States. They say we're not safe on land, sea, or in the air. I think Amtrak, Carnival Cruises, and United took care of that already. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig met with Pete Rose to discuss reinstating him to baseball. The talks were going pretty good until Ross asked Selig what his odds were. Police in the Netherlands sealed off ten Ikea stores after two small bomb were found. Police said if the bombs had gone off, it would've taken weeks to assemble all that furniture. The US military is funding research to make it possible for soldiers to go seven days and nights without sleep. They're studying dolphins because dolphins have the ability to keep parts of their brain awake while other parts of their brain sleep; especially male dolphins when the female dolphin is talking about her day. |
| Copyright © 1994-2009 pht Contact Us | Subscribe | Terms of Use |