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The Secretary General of the United Nations said right now he can see no justification for a war with Iraq. I can think of five reasons: Texaco, Shell, Exxon, Mobil....
- 1.08.03

Five men of Middle-Eastern descent have allegedly entered the United States illegally from Canada. The FBI has warned the local authorities to be on the lookout for these five men; they're very dangerous. They're either planning a terrorist attack or attempting to form a boy band.
- 1.10.03

From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO:
The producers of "Joe Millionaire" say the show's message is that you don't need $50 millionaire to be happy. That's right - all you need is twenty beautiful women who think you have $50 million.
- 1.14.03

Big fires in Malibu this week. Turns out, it was just Governor Gray Davis trying to burn down the state for insurance money.
- 1.14.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
For the first time in history, NASA is going to be sending up an Israeli astronaut. As a result, just before launch, the tip of the rocket will be removed by a Rabbi.
- 1.17.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, UN inspectors found 12 empty chemical warheads in Iraq. The Pentagon is very worried because they distinctly remember selling Iraq 15 of them in the 80s.
- 1.22.03

Looks like Miller Beer has bowed to pressure and they announced they're going to make changes to that controversial "Cat Fight" ad, the one where the two girls get into a fight and they start ripping each other's clothes off. After it aired, it received a lot of complaints - from men. So, now they're adding another girl.
- 1.23.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Miller Lite has received a lot of complaints about a brand new commercial that features a cat fight between two women who wind up wrestling in bras and panties. Not surprisingly, most of the complaints was that the commercial was only 30 seconds long.
- 1.23.03

McDonald's announced plans to get their customers back. From now on, they're only going to serve fresh food and have clean restrooms. So…what were they thinking before?
- 1.24.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A federal judge threw out a lawsuit by a New York family that claimed McDonald's food made their two children fat. The children said they would protest the ruling, but not with a hunger strike.
- 1.24.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, 27 million people watched the first episode of "American Idol 2," making it the most successful show in the Fox Network's history. Even more historic, it was the first hit show on Fox that doesn't have the word "attack" in the title.
- 1.27.03

Two Irish men announced they are attempting to make the world's first journey across Antarctica on sleds pulled by kites. The Irishmen said they would have used sled dogs, but that's what sober guys would have done.
- 1.31.03

France announced last week that they will not help the United States remove Saddam Hussein from Iraq. Well, duh, they didn't help us remove the Germans from France….
- 2.18.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week the founder of the Holiday Inn chain past away at the age of 90. Unfortunately, he checked out after 3, so they charged him for an extra day.
- 2.18.03

According to a new Valentine's Day survey, 39% of women say the man doesn't have to pick up the check for Valentine's Day dinner. They say it all comes down to how comfortable the guy is with masturbation.
- 2.18.03

McDonald's said they are going to start pre-cooking their burgers to put the fast back in fast food. What about putting the food back in fast food?
- 2.20.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A lawsuit brought by a New York family claiming that McDonald's food made them obese was thrown out of court by a judge. Afterwards, the overweight family said it could've been worse - they could've been thrown out of a food court.
- 2.20.03

According to a new survey in the Los Angeles Times, Americans are eating 30% more Mexican food. Well, duh, that's because we have 30% more Mexicans.
- 2.21.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine lab from a retirement home. The staff became suspicious when several of the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm.
- 2.21.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the "TV Guide," last season's "The Bachelor," dump the woman he proposed to at a Starbucks near her house. The woman said she was so traumatized by the incident, she now uses the Starbucks across the street.
- 2.26.03

Scientists at the University of Illinois have developed a plastic that repairs itself. If it cracks or breaks, it automatically repairs itself. Do you know what this means? Women in L.A. can now live forever.
- 2.27.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A man in Virginia has been arrested and sent to jail for holding up a 7-Eleven with a banana. The employee said he didn't realize the man was holding a banana because he had never seen fresh fruit inside a 7-Eleven.
- 2.27.03

The overweight kids who sued McDonald's for making them fat have re-filed the suit. They now say that McDonald's food is so over-processed that they can't understand why it makes them so fat. What part of double-cheese don't they understand?
- 3.03.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
"Playboy" announced they're planning a nude pictorial called, "The Woman of Starbucks." Not surprisingly, "Playboy" said only women with grande or venti breasts should apply.
- 3.03.03

Mattel toys, the world's largest toy maker plans to consolidate its boys and girls division into one unit. You know what that means - transvestite Ken.
- 3.05.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Tonya Harding was fined $20 thousand to pay for damages to a house that she was renting. Apparently, Harding did so much damage to the house, its wheels fell off.
- 3.05.03

McDonald's announced this week they are going to start experimenting with selling fresh fruit. McDonald's sells so much processed food, anytime they sell something fresh it's called an experiment.
- 3.07.03

After eight years of not being available, the contraceptive, the "Today" sponge is back. You know what you don't want? Yesterday's sponge.
- 3.12.03

CNN said after the war there's a plan to divide Iraq into three parts. It'll be regular, premium, and unleaded….
- 3.12.03

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow, Operation Reelect Bush doesn't seem to cut it….
- 3.13.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job.
- 3.13.03

In London, an 85 year-old woman had the words, "Do Not Resuscitate," tattooed across her chest so that if her heart stops, she wants doctors to let her die. Here in America, it's a little different. If you don't want doctors to do anything, just have the letters, HMO….
- 3.14.03

Doesn't look good for Tony Blair. According to the latest popularity poll in England, he is now two points below dentistry….
- 3.17.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Today is St. Patrick's Day; they say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irsh, and the people that drive them home.
- 3.17.03

What do you call a French soldier in Iraq? Lost.
- 3.18.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Everybody's mad at the French right now. Last week, a man in New Jersey got so angry with France's policy towards Iraq, he poured $1,000 worth of French champagne down the toilet. Not surprisingly, the man's dog fully supports his decision.
- 3.18.03

Mexico still can't decide if they're with us on this Iraqi war. They think we might be moving too fast; Mexico thinks we should invade Iraq gradually, a few dozen people each night….
- 3.19.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a new poll, 67% of television viewers say that they are sick of reality TV shows. The other 33% are currently on a reality TV show.
- 3.19.03

In what must be the highest price in the nation, gas at El Cajon, CA is selling for more than $4 a gallon. I didn't know Starbucks was selling gasoline.
- 3.26.03

In Egypt, 21 men were arrested for attending a gay sex party. The men were each sentenced to three years in jail. Well, that should put an end to their gay sex party….
- 3.26.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Roman Polanski won the Best Director Oscar for his film, "The Pianist," although he couldn't come to the United States to pick up the statute. Apparently, Polanski said picking up something that small was what got hi in trouble in the first place.
- 3.27.03

Last week, Stealth bombers dropped two of those huge satellite-guided bunker-buster bombs. 4,700 pounds each; they were called Anna & Nicole.
- 3.31.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of hungry Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.
- 3.31.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Due to the war coverage, ratings at the cable news networks have shot through the roof. Executives at MSNBC are thrilled and said it's been years since both of their viewers tuned in.
- 4.09.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to the "New York Times," Baghdad has been racked by explosions, heavy gunfire can be heard through the city, and there is no electricity. However, the "New York Times" said the same thing about Newark….
- 4.09.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
One of Saddam Hussein's palaces captured by U.S. troops has 64 bathrooms. Which explained why the palace will be converted into Baghdad's first Taco Bell.
- 4.15.03

We've added a new phase of the war. We've moved from shock and awe to loot and scoot.
- 4.17.03

Doctors are reporting that a 65 year-old woman in India may be the oldest woman ever to give birth. They say the baby looks just like the father: bald, no teeth, and wears a diaper.
- 4.17.03

Kind of embarrassing moment at this year's Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn. Of all the people invited, Hans Blix was the only person who didn't find an Easter egg.
- 4.21.03

All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control, which is kind of ironic because all of the gas stations here are run by Middle-Easterners.
- 4.22.03

The leaders of France, Russia, and Germany have gathered for a summit on what their role will be in the rebuilding of Iraq. I think France should participate in the rebuilding of Iraq; I mean when it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than France.
- 4.22.03

The UN weapons inspectors say they want to go back into Iraq. And, now that the fighting's over, so do the French.
- 4.28.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it, the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called, "GI Joe Millionaire."
- 4.28.03

Richard Branson, the guy who owns Virgin Airlines, announced that he wants to be the first airline to establish regular flights to Baghdad; he wants London to Baghdad non-stop flights. That's a great combination: English food with Iraqi hospitality.
- 4.29.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen announced plans to build a multi-million dollar science fiction museum. Planners believe it will be the first museum in the country with no need for a girl's bathroom.
- 4.29.03

Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic surgeries down 12% this year. That's what they mean when they say the economy could get ugly.
- 4.30.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan went on to say, "Where else would I get a job in this economy?"
- 4.30.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan underwent surgery for an enlarged prostate last week. Doctors say the prostate showed moderate growth last quarter, but not the growth they expected.
- 5.02.03

According to the latest Gallup Poll, one-quarter of Americans are bilingual; the other three-quarters don't speak any English at all.
- 5.05.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A New York fitness expert has released an exercise book for nuns called, "Changing Habits: The Sister's Workout." The Vatican rejected the original title, "Nuns of Steel."
- 5.05.03

China is getting its first 24-hour news channel. It's going to be called MSGNBC.
- 5.06.03

In Beijing, to stop the spread of SARS, they've closed all the karoake bars. So, I guess some good has come out of this.
- 5.06.03

American Airlines now doubling the surcharge for a paper ticket to $50. They say they're doing this to increase ticketless travel. Why not, they already have comfortless travel.
- 5.09.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
George Wyle, the man who wrote the catchy theme song to "Gilligan's Island," passed away over the weekend. He is survived by his wife, two children, and the rest.
- 5.09.03

According to a British survey, 50% of men can't tell if breasts are real or fake. The other 50% don't care.
- 5.15.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The U.S. Treasury unveiled a newly designed $20 bill that includes more colors including light blue, pale green, and peach. The Treasury was responding to complaints that their currency wasn't gay enough.
- 5.15.03

According to a Norwegian study, good looking criminals are more likely to get off with lighter sentences. Or as they call criminals like that in L.A., celebrities.
- 5.16.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The U.S. Treasury unveiled a newly designed $20 bill that includes more colors including light blue, pale green, and peach. The Treasury was responding to complaints that their currency wasn't gay enough.
- 5.15.03

Some of the scenes in the new "Matrix" is unbelievable, like this one scene where Keanu Reeves uses a word with four syllables in it.
- 5.20.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Iraqi officials are complaining that since Allied troops kicked out Saddam Hussein, food prices in Baghdad have doubled. They say the typical family has to rob two museums just to make ends meet.
- 5.20.03

Have you seen this ad for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Deluxe with Extra Cheese where the ad says "Breath Deeply, You're Having a Macaroni Moment"? Let me tell you something, if you're breathing deeply after macaroni and cheese, you're having a heart attack.
- 5.21.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The team psychologist for the Mets quit his job. When asked about it, the psychologist said some people should have low self-esteem.
- 5.21.03

Nearly 13,000 high school seniors in Florida will not graduate this year because they failed the state achievement tests. However, many of them will go on to play football for Florida State.
- 5.23.03

High school phenom LeBron James is going to be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers. So, at least he'll get the chance to experience what it's like to play for a college team.
- 5.27.03

According to a newspaper poll, in New Jersey, 75% of New Jersey residents rate their state as a good or excellent place to live. The other 25% are reported missing.
- 5.28.03

Because of all these heart problems, McDonald's now selling a soy-veggie burger. I believe it's called the McTasteless.
- 5.30.03

The FCC voted to allow big media companies to own more television stations and newspapers. They believe this improves the American people's ability to get a single viewpoint instead of being confused by a whole bunch of different ones.
- 6.04.03

Last week, Queen Elizabeth celebrated 50 years on the throne. I didn't know they had a Taco Bell over there….
- 6.06.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This weekend the Yankees played the Cubs at Wrigley Field for the first time since the 1938 World Series. When they heard this, Cub fans asked, "What's the World Series?"
- 6.09.03

More talk on Mad Cow disease. They say Made Cow disease only spreads to humans by eating the brains, spinal cord, or eyes of an infected animal. Or as we call it, a hot dog.
- 6.11.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
The horse Empire Maker beat the favorite Funny Cide to win the Belmont Stakes. When asked about it, Empire Maker's jockey said it was thrilling, he felt 5 feet tall.
- 6.12.03

In Missouri, a guy goes into a K-Mart releases a hundred bees as a diversion for his shoplifting. The bees kept banging against the glass, trying to get out. It's like they knew they were at a K-Mart.
- 6.18.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In an effort to stop the spread of the Monkeypox virus, federal officials have banned the sale of prairie dogs. The ban drew protests from pet storeowners, animal groups, and New York City hot dogs vendors.
- 6.18.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
This week, Saddam Hussein's daughter told reporters that Saddam Hussein is still alive. Her exact quote was, "Somebody returned that tie I bought for Father's Day."
- 6.19.03
In Phoenix, AZ, the bishop of the Catholic Church there was arrested for hit and run. Talk about making a collar….
- 6.20.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Frank Keating, the former governor of Oklahoma, caused a huge controversy this week by comparing the Catholic Church to the Mafia. Experts say if Keating isn't careful, he could be sleeping with the loaves and fishes.
- 6.20.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Last week, the World Health Organization said the spread of SARS has been stopped dead in its tracks. That means the biggest health threat in Toronto is again acute boredom.
- 6.26.03

Researchers at Harvard University say taking a nap for an hour in the middle of the afternoon is totally refreshing. In fact, by the time you wake up from your nap, you feel so good, you're able to go out and look for your new job.
- 7.08.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to "Forbes" magazine, the best place to live in America if you're single is Austin, Texas. Not surprisingly, "Forbes" said the worst place to live if you're single is your parents' basement.
- 7.08.03

At a casino at Atlantic City, a 56 year-old former nun hit the jackpot on a slot machine and won $1.5 million. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot.
- 7.09.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new study, almost all the paper money in Europe has tested positive for traces of cocaine. As a result, the Euro is not only stronger than the dollar, but also louder and more obnoxious.
- 7.09.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that the uniforms designed for Iraq's new police force include belts made by Calvin Klein. A spokesperson for Iraq's police force said that can't stop looters, but they look fabulous.
- 7.15.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier this week, Major League Baseball held its annual All-Star game. Or, as the Mets call it, a quiet evening at home.
- 7.18.03

There's a horror movie out called "28 Days Later." It's about a virus called, "rage" that quickly turns people into violent zombies. 28 days then rage. Guys, does this sound familiar…?
- 7.21.03

There's a new book out now that lists all the foreign countries that hate or resent the United States. It's called the world atlas.
- 7.25.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Seattle, a man broke a world record when he scored almost 1 million points in the video game, Donkey Kong. As his prize, the man will get a trip to his favorite place in the world, 1986.
- 7.25.03

It's official: Kobe Bryant now officially charged with sexual assault. Kobe went from being on the Dream Team to needing a dream team.
- 7.21.03

There's a horror movie out called "28 Days Later." It's about a virus called, "rage" that quickly turns people into violent zombies. 28 days then rage. Guys, does this sound familiar…?
- 7.21.03

Social scientists say San Francisco's population is decreasing faster than any other city in the nation. The people of San Francisco are not reproducing. I wonder why…?
- 7.23.03

The FX channel has come out with a new drama called Nip/Tuck. They say it's the first TV show about plastic surgery. Really? What was "Baywatch"?
- 7.24.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
In Seattle, a man broke a world record when he scored almost 1 million points in the video game, Donkey Kong. As his prize, the man will get a trip to his favorite place in the world, 1986.
- 7.25.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Despite protests, CBS is still considering making a reality show about Hillbillies. The show will be called, "Big Brother Who's Also Your Cousin."
- 7.29.03

A female student at Griffiths University is doing a three-year study on blondes in order to get her Ph.D. In fact, she herself is a blonde; which explains why it's taking three years.
- 7.30.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new study by Italian scientists, eating one or more pizzas a week dramatically decreases the chance of getting cancer - mainly because it's hard to get cancer after dying from a heart attack.
- 7.30.03

Although many Iraqi citizens have seen the videos of the dead bodies of Uday and Qusai, they still don't believe they're really dead. We have the same problem here in Los Angeles with Dodger fans. They see it, but they just can't accept it.
- 8.04.03

An embarrassing problem for Clippers owner Donald T. Sterling. A former employee has sued him for sexual harassment after she claims he allegedly touched her breasts and unbuttoned his pants. This still isn't as embarrassing as owner the Clippers.
- 8.04.03

In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Do you know what his bail cost him? An arm and a leg.
- 8.08.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A congresswoman from Texas is complaining that hurricanes are never given African-American names. As a result, today the National Weather Service gave a shout out to Tyrell.
- 8.08.03

McDonald's says they are now testing a new way of cooking their hamburgers automatically using robots. They're going to have robots cook the food. Gee, I just hope it doesn't give McDonald's food that processed taste….
- 8.14.03

McDonald's also says they're going to be open 24 hours a day. Apparently, they're going after the lucrative transient-drifter market.
- 8.14.03

Baseball fans at a minor league game in Charleston, SC set a record by staying absolutely quiet for five innings. Is that really a record? Detroit Tiger fans have been doing that for years.
- 8.15.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new study, overweight motorists are more than twice as likely to be hurt in a car accident than people of normal weight, mainly because their airbags are filled with Doritos.
- 8.15.03

It's really true what they say about California: All the popular stuff starts here first then gradually filters down to the rest of the country. Like the power outages - we had them last year, and now everybody's doing it.
- 8.18.03

Did you see New York during the blackout? There were so many people on the streets in Times Square, a confused Dick Clark showed up to get a countdown going.
- 8.18.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
It's been reported that New York City is opening a high school exclusively for gay students. Officials say the school will focus on the 3 R's: reading, writing, and remodeling.
- 8.26.03

This week, the FBI has posted the names and faces of four known Al Qaeda terrorists. They say it is critical that we catch these people before they get back to California to get their free driver's licenses.
- 9.10.03

Saudi Arabia has banned Barbie dolls; they say Barbie dolls are immoral. The religious police in Saudi Arabia are very strict, they said any man caught selling a Barbie doll will wind up like Ken.
- 9.19.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Hurricane Isabel is headed up the east coast. Some meteorologist say it could hit New Jersey. Experts say if the storm hit New Jersey it could destroy hundreds of homes and do almost $5 worth of damage.
- 9.19.03

There's a new survey out on airport hygiene. A guy stood in the back of an airport men's room all around the country and recorded how often men washed their hands after using the restroom. In the Toronto airport, 5% of the men didn't wash their hands after using the restroom. At LAX, 30% of men did not wash their hands after using the restroom. And at Kennedy airport in New York, 50% of the men beat up the guy who was watching them go to the restroom.
- 9.24.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Two men successfully sued Taco Bell for $11 million because they claim they invented the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Not only that, Taco Bell is being sued by a third man who claims he invented diarrhea.
- 9.24.03

There are now reports that France may agree to train Iraqi soldiers. Why? I thought Iraqis already knew how to surrender.
- 9.25.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Earlier this week a tornado touched down in parts of New Jersey. Apparently, Jets fans were thrilled because it was the first touchdown of the year.
- 9.25.03

The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker.
- 9.29.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to a brand new poll, only 13% of people surveyed said that baseball is their favorite sport. Not surprisingly, this poll was taken in the Mets dugout.
- 9.29.03

Starbucks is finally opening up a store in France. It's very hard to get American stores over there because the French are very protective of their culture and their customs and their food; it took Starbucks years. In fact, they kept Starbucks out longer than they kept Hitler out.
- 9.30.03

According to the American Society of Microbiology, 41% of people in New York City never bother to wash their hands in the restroom. And the other 59% of New Yorkers never even bother to go to the bathroom in the restroom.
- 10.09.03

According to a survey on Match.com, 37% of single people think splitting the check is okay on a dinner date. The other 63% were women.
- 10.13.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A spokesperson for Yankee Stadium says they started selling Sam Adams beer last week to keep Red Sox fans happy but nobody's buying any. When asked why, Boston Red Sox fans said they were having enough trouble buying the fact that the Red Sox are in the playoffs.
- 10.13.03

McDonald's announced they are giving their Chicken McNuggets a makeover. Apparently they're adding chicken now.
- 10.15.03

Legendary gun maker Smith & Wesson coming out with their own line of jewelry, which seems odd - some people don't think gun and jewelry go together. Apparently those people have never been to the hip-hop awards.
- 10.29.03

According to a new study by the Census Bureau, 20% of people in the United States speak a language other than English. And, 98% of those people work in customer service.
- 10.29.03

The kiddy train here at Griffith Park derailed over the weekend. This was part of Amtrak's new "Youth Engineering Program."
- 11.06.03

One of the four-star hotels in New York City now featuring heated toilet seats in their rooms. Haven't we had those for years? They're called public restrooms.
- 11.06.03

Waiters in New York are now threatening to go on strike. Apparently, they have a union of nothing but waiters. Isn't that the Screen Actors Guild?
- 11.10.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
According to "USA Today," a chain of Christian health clubs have opened up in the South. Apparently, the motto is, "What would Jesus Bench?"
- 11.10.03

A medical group in Colorado now offering a beer for blood program; you donate a pint of blood, they give you a beer. Do you really want blood from a guy who is willing to open a vein for beer?
- 11.12.03

Anybody watch the NBC movie, "Saving Jessica Lynch"? if you notice, NBC had a disclaimer at the beginning that said the movie was based on a true story, but certain things have been changed - like the truth.
- 11.13.03

CBS cancelled their Reagan mini-series, but CBS said they did not cave into pressure from conservatives. Now you know what the BS stands for in CBS.
- 11.13.03

According to "Mondern Bride" magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, "Yeah, sounds good."
- 11.14.03

The third and final "Matrix" movie opened all over the world this Wednesday. What they found out was that people in other countries who couldn't speak English could watch this movie and still be as confused as we are.
- 11.15.03

Major League Baseball announced they will conduct mandatory testing for steroids next season after more than 5% of players tested positive. You know what you call the 5% that tested positive? All-Stars.
- 11.19.03

In New Zealand, a 99 year-old man has married his 84 year-old girlfriend. Some said it wouldn’t last…like their doctors.
- 12.02.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A classic rock station in New Jersey said they will no longer play Jethro Tull’s music after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people who display the American flag. When asked to comment, friends of Jethro Tull could not be found.
- 12.02.03

The coach of the Oakland Raiders, Bill Callahan, says the Raiders are the dumbest team in America. You know what that means? The Clippers have lost another title.
- 12.05.03

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what’s really bad? Second-hand meat.
- 12.09.03

I saw this movie the other night called “Timeline,” it’s about time travel. It made me want to go back in time – to get my money back!
- 12.09.03

There was an article recently in the Los Angeles Times about party consultants. They say the key to avoiding lawsuits at company office parties are: no alcohol, no kissing, and no dancing. Isn’t that church?
- 12.11.03

According to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), today’s turkeys are so fat that they can’t stand, they’re susceptible to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. I’m sorry, that’s us they’re talking about.
- 12.11.03

What’s the difference between Aerosmith and the Oakland Raiders? Aerosmith is playing in the Superbowl this year.
- 12.12.03

New York City’s Mandarin Oriental hotel claims to have the most expensive room in the city: $12,995 a night. They say it features a two-person shower. For that much money, it should include the second person.
- 12.12.03

Some doctors are now recommending virtual colon scopes for their patients instead of the old-fashioned exam. It’s a rectal exam done with a computer. Kind of like what USC got.
- 12.15.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Trista and Ryan got married last week and it was watched by 17 million Americans on ABC. Some people say the wedding couple isn’t too bright because they actually hired a guy to videotape it.
- 12.15.03

Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq over the weekend. He was captured in a hole under a farmhouse. It's ironic that they found him in a hole, since the term, "a-hole," has been used to describe him so many times....
- 12.16.03

What a downfall for Saddam Hussein. He went from living in a palace to living in a two-room mud hut with just a few pieces of clothing. Or, as guys in Beverly Hills call it, divorce.
- 12.16.03

The Secret Service is investigating Eminem because one of the lyrics in his song is “I rather see the President dead.” These agents were taken off a very important case to do this. They were this close to finding out who let the dogs out….
- 12.17.03

When they found Saddam Hussein, he had $750,000 in cash, a pistol, and 2 AK-47’s. they now believe he was trying to start a new career as a rap star.
- 12.18.03

Intelligence experts say [this is the way they break a guy down] we are probably giving Saddam only very bland food, we are depriving him of sleep, and making sure he doesn’t have any comfortable place to sit. Or, as we call it, coach.
- 12.18.03

The Iraqi governing council now includes a woman dentist, which is very controversial. The Iraqis don’t know how to relate to her because she’s a woman and the British don’t know how to relate to her because she’s a dentist.
- 12.19.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A graduate student in Michigan announced that after eight years of searching, his computer has discovered the longest prime number in history. Not surprisingly, the student has yet to discover a girl’s phone number.
- 12.19.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
A judge ruled that John Hinckley, the man who tried to assassinate former president Ronald Reagan, can visit his parents without supervision. The ruling was strongly protested by the Reagan family and John Hinckley’s parents.
- 12.24.03

From Late Night with Conan O'Brien:
Keiko, the killer whale who starred in the “Free Willy” movies, past away in the waters off of Finland. As a result, Keiko will be starring in a new movie called, “Free Sushi.”
- 12.26.03
 
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