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Over New Year's, security around the country was unbelievably tight. They had electronic sensors here in LA to detect biological attacks. They had sky marshalls on international flights. They had armed helicopters patrolling Vegas. They said we haven't seen security this tight since the last Hip Hop Awards. Three inch of snow fell on Vegas last week. So it’s official: hell was frozen over. Have you seen this commercial for the Norelco electric shaver where this guy is in the shower and he switches the shaver from normal to sensitive? Sensitive? What is he shaving in there? Here’s some good news: because the photos sent back show that everything seems to be quiet on the moon, today the Department of Homeland Security has downgraded Mars from the Red planet to the Yellow planet. A disgruntled employee of a Victoria’s Secret store in New York City is claiming that Victoria’s Secret takes back used underwear and then resells it. So maybe that’s Victoria’s secret. CBS announced there's going to be yet another CSI. This will be in New York; the show will be a procedural where criminal cases are solved in New York City. Or as we call it at NBC: Law & Order. Police in Czechoslovakia discovered a woman last week who had been sleeping next to her dead husband for two years because she could not accept his death. This proves just how long a marriage can last if a man just keeps his mouth shut. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Do you know why a Hummer is considered an off-road vehicle? Because you can’t afford gas to put it on the road. OPEC voted last week to cut oil production by a million barrels a day. And president Bush came up with what he thought was a very clever solution. He said we should just send them bigger barrels. Volvo says its new car, the YCC, is the first car designed and developed exclusively by women, for women. They say it is safe, it is fuel-efficient, and the exterior is designed to always make the trunk look as small as possible. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the “Wall Street Journal,” researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn’t for our brains, we would all be thin. That’s why supermodels are so skinny. No brain, no gain. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NBC airing a big TV movie next week called, “10.5,” about a huge 10.5 earthquake hitting California and what happens. You know what happens? Some really bad acting. Experts are predicting that gas could go up to $3 a gallon by the end of the year. But, the oil companies say no, no, no – it’ll go down to $3 a gallon by the end of the year. Researchers say they’ve successfully used stem cell implants to grow hair on mice. You know what this means? Furrier hot dogs. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Mexico City, a cook killed one of his buddies, chopped the guy up, and boiled him up with some herbs. Do you know what you call that recipe? Juan Ton soup. NASA says they have proof that parts of Mars were once submerged under water. If they can prove that there was water on Mars, that means it could have supported life. Of course, water doesn’t always mean intelligent life – you remember “Baywatch.” The porn industry totally shut down. They estimate that this porn shutdown has put over 6,000 actors and actresses out of work, 400 cameramen, and 1 writer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to "Science" magazine, humans may have started wearing jewelry as far back as 75,000 years ago. They think it all started when early man got into trouble with early wife. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Researchers say Canada is rising half an inch a year while the United States is sinking. Do we need anymore proof that we're fat? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A ship carrying 4,000 Hyundai automobiles sank after colliding with an oil tanker. Hyundai officials calculating the loss of cars to be over $3,000. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NASCAR announced that they are launching a new plan to attract more minorities to NASCAR racing. More minorities? What about one minority? MTV announced plans for an all-gay TV network. So far they have three shows lined-up: “Will & Grace,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and arena football. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week in Baghdad, four men were arrested for pretending to be journalists. This has got all the reporters at Fox News really worried. President Bush senior jumped out of a plane over the weekend. I didn’t even know he was a Laker fan…. People are criticizing the FBI and the CIA for failing to work together despite the fact that they’re on the same team. Do you know what we call that in LA? The Lakers. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week the second annual air guitar championship was held in Los Angeles; over 100 contestants. The winner received an imaginary check for $1 million. A female panda in Japan got pregnant after watching hours of panda porno films. You know what’s the trouble of watching panda porn? It’s all in black and white. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Have you seen the commercials for this new sleeping pill called Ambient? At the end of the spot, one of the side effects they list is drowsiness. Duh. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The 9/11 Commission report said the attacks occurred due to the government's failure of imagination. I think that's wrong; I think our government has a great imagination. We imagined weapons of mass destruction, we imagined we'd catch Bin Laden, we thought the Iraqi people would love us…. New photos from the NASA Cassini spacecraft reveal Saturn's rings are pink and gray. Scientists now think that Saturn could be the first all-gay planet. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Burger King announced they have hired the former president of Continental airlines to be their new CEO. How bad is your food when you have to bring in someone from the airlines to make it taste better? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: CBS now admits that the Bush National Guard memo was a fake. This has caused a huge shake-up at CBS. Now they're starting to question other shows, like does everybody really love Raymond. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last week there was a new victim on "CSI: Miami," NBC's "LAX." They say this could be the last season for the "West Wing." So next year's liberals won't even have control of the fake White House. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said that the economy is finally showing signs of traction. Apparently, jobs are leaving so quickly they’re leaving skid marks. US Air has filed for bankruptcy protection for the second time in two years. They say they may reorganize as a low cost version of the airline. Isn’t that Greyhound? Saddam Hussein is now reportedly depressed and begging for mercy. I didn’t even know he was a Mets fan. Anyone watch the new ABC series, “Lost”? It’s about a group of people who land on an island after a bizarre plane crash which doesn’t effect the female passengers hair or make-up, but strips off all their clothes. A new survey of new fathers in Britain show that when a baby cries, half the dads go right on sleeping or pretend to be asleep so that the mother has to get up. Isn’t that unbelievable? Only half? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last Saturday was National Bosses Day. It was started in 1958 by a secretary in Illinois who wanted a day for workers to honor their boss. I believe her name was Ms. Ass Kiss. Former Laker coach Phil Jackson has written a slamming tell-all book about his last season with the Lakers. According to experts, if people in California actually read books, this would be a best seller. A study shows that Buddhist that drink their own urine improved their overall health and slowed the aging process. On the downside, you get incredibly bad breath. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned his position last week. Evans said he didn’t want to resign, but when your country doesn’t have any commerce, you don’t need a secretary. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Denver public schools have a new idea. They are offering a course for teenagers on losing weight. Didn't we used to have this? It was called gym class. Discount retailer K-Mart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever made. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Now when you buy a beer at an NBA game, they ask you if it’s for here or to throw. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The movie about Alexander the Great not doing too well at the box office. In fact, by the weekend, it could be downgraded to Alexander the Video. Ron Artest, the Indiana Pacer [suspended for the rest of the season because he fought with fans], has a rap album coming out. I believe he recorded it under his rap name, Bust-A-Fan. Two California legislators have introduced a bill to make assisted suicide legal in California. Between the earthquakes, the traffic, the drive-by’s, living here is already assisted suicide. According to a new government report, over 40% of Americans are using prescription drugs. The other 60% can’t afford it. They’ve come out with a new sex patch for women with low sex drive. They say side effects include acne, high cholesterol, and unwanted hair. Well, that should make you feel sexy. The government issued a safety recall of 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: no one was hurt because no one has ever actually used a Bowflex.... From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The big thing in Hollywood is to have a personal shopper. That’s where you hire somebody to do all your shopping for you. If you’re a celebrity, it’s great because it let’s you focus on what’s really important to you this time of year – yourself. Officials at a maximum-security prison in Jefferson City, Missouri, have pulled 35 video games from their recreation center because the games contain simulated murders, car-jackings, contract shootings, and cop killings. Thank God they put a stop to that. Violent video games are not meant for criminals, those are meant for our children. Macy’s Department stores has ordered their workers to say “Happy Holidays.” You can’t say “Merry Christmas” anymore because that might offend people who might be atheist or other religions. In fact, you remember the classic movie, “Miracle on 34th Street”? Now it’s called, “Coincidence on 34th Street.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a study by the Center for Disease Control, married people are healthier than single people. That's why people in Los Angeles are so healthy; many have been married five, six times. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Doctors say sleep is the key to weight loss. Yeah, if you sleep through breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: |
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