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According to the latest international study of test scores, American 15 year-old boys don’t do nearly as well in math as students in twenty other counties. However, our 15 year-old boys do better with their math teacher. The Anaheim Angels are going to change their name to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. They say having the name, Los Angeles, will boost attendance. I’ll mention that to the Los Angeles Raiders and Los Angeles Rams…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: It’s stopped raining in Los Angeles! A couple of nights ago, we had a huge storm – 8 inches of rain in Beverly Hills, 4 of them sparkling. In Amber Frey’s new book, she said Scott Peterson was a gentleman, but he was also a pathological liar. So…he’s just a regular guy. Amber Frey is out with her new book about Scott Peterson. In her book, she said Scott had her totally convinced that he was a nice, caring guy. It’s hard to believe that anyone could fool a blonde massage therapist from California. McDonald’s announced it is considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. They fatten them up now then they kill them. Which is pretty much what they do with their customers now, isn’t it? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new report, in England, cocaine is cheaper to buy than coffee. So apparently they have Starbucks, too. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Some colleges such as Rutgers University, are now beginning to offer dorms for recovering alcoholics. This is in contrast to regular dorms, which train you to be an alcoholic. A guy in Littleton, CO went to the dentist complaining about a bad toothache. An x-ray revealed a 4” long nail lodged into his head. Typical guy – he claimed it was an 8” nail…. NBC announced that it is bringing back the hit show “Medium” next season. If you haven’t seen this, it’s about a woman who can talk to the dead. In fact, today she talked to the Philadelphia Eagles. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Detainees at Guantanomo Bay claim that one of the methods used to get them to talk was to have female interrogators question them wearing thong underwear. I believe it’s called good cop/great cop. Chinese scientists say they have successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs. They say their goal is to create a human being with a lucky foot. A lot of American companies now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell, and Popeye’s Fried Chicken. So now instead of oil-for-food, we have oil in food. A 4.2 earthquake hit Arkansas. Over 200 cars fell off their blocks. A poll by the BBC showed 38% of British people didn’t care whether Charles married Camilla Parker and 2% had no opinion. Isn’t that the same thing? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Do you know what Jose Conseco gave up for Lent? Mark McGwire. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The state of Virginia has passed a new law that calls for a $50 fine for anyone who displays their underwear in a lewd or indecent manner. They’re calling this new law, “Just Say No to Crack.” So you can’t show your underwear in Virginia. Believe me, the plumbers’ union is going to fight this. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: “USA Today” is doing a series on the worse job in sports. Do you know who has the worst job in sports? Hockey players. Now they’re driving taxis, bussing tables, working at Taco Bell… From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates given an honorary Knighthood by Queen Elizabeth. I believe he’s known as the Duke of Nerds. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Sacramento, CA, a 30 year-old teaching intern was arrested for having sex in the back of her car from a 16 year-old male student. This shows how bad California public schools have gotten. Our kids aren’t even getting sex from certified teachers anymore. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Bubba, the 22-pound lobster that became a national celebrity, has died at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Friends and acquaintances who knew Bubba described him as delicious. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A man in Illinois is suing a woman, claiming she stole his sperm to have his baby without his knowledge. Now that’s a good pickpocket. The head of OPEC said they are concerned about high oil prices. Not concerned enough to lower them, just concerned. The makers of Wrigley Double Mint gum said they're bringing back the Double Mint Twins. You remember them - they were the Coors Light Twins before the breast implants. An Australia company says they plan to use kangaroo dung to make stationery and other paper products. That's something to think about the next time you lick that envelope. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In San Jose, CA, a woman bit into a piece of a human finger while eating a bowl of Wendy's chili. I didn't know Wendy's sold finger food…. They say the finger actually had a manicured nail on it. That's because Wendy's is more upscale than some of the others. Remember the grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary that sold on eBay for $25,000? Now the woman who sold it has posted on eBay the frying pan she cooked the sandwich in. They say if you buy it and look into the pan, you can actually see the reflection of an idiot. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Gas prices in California have reached $3 a gallon. In fact, gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and OJ are forced to carpool on their search for the real killer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A woman in California goes to Wendy’s restaurant, orders the chili, and bites into a severed finger that was already in the chili. Wendy’s defense is that this proves that their chili is handmade. In Malibu, road crew workers found a severed foot in a pile of dirt. They say it might have fallen off a delivery truck on its way to Wendy’s. According to a report on “60 Minutes 2,” three members of the Carolina Panthers are being investigated for illegal steroid use. You know what you call a pro football player who doesn’t take steroids? An Arena Football player. A woman in Ohio gave birth to a baby at a gas station. So apparently, now when you fill your tank they take your first-born. The Spice Girls were at the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. Did you know that Camilla Parker Bowles was an honorary Spice Girl? I believe she was Old Spice…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Everybody’s talking about how badly the Lakers are playing. Or, as they call it, Arena Basketball. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Good news for Lakers owner Dr. Jerry Buss. The IRS has ruled that he can write off the entire season as a total loss. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: In West Virginia, a guy gets in a fight with his girlfriend and he supposedly puts a container of gasoline in her microwave oven and set the house on fire. Isn’t that crazy? Doesn’t the guy know the price of gas now? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to a recent poll, 96% of Canadians describe themselves as being happy. Sure, all those cheap prescription drugs up there…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Last Friday was tax day. As you know, the government takes 40% of what you make. The other 60% of course taken by the gas station. The woman who said she found a finger in a bowl of Wendy’s chili says she’s decided not to sue. How ironic is that? All this trouble and fuss over this finger and now she may walk away empty-handed. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Another major case of identity theft this week, the Lakers have stolen the Clippers identity. This is the 50th anniversary of McDonald’s. Hard to imagine. It’s now 50 years-old. Pretty amazing company – they started out small and now they’re huge, just like their customers. According to a survey by “More” magazine, a third of women over the age of 40 are dating younger men. Most of them teach either English or social studies…. Wal-Mart announced they’re recalling about 220,000 children’s karaoke machines because of lead paint. Lead paint can lead to retardation. Well, so can karaoke, actually. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Subway crime is on the rise in New York City. It’s on the rise because a lot of people are stealing IPods. That’s terrible, isn’t it? People stealing from people who stole music…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Denny’s is being sued for $28 million by seven Arab-Americans who claim they were kicked out of a Denny’s in Florida and were compared to Osama bin Laden. These men say they are outraged because they’re successful profesionals. One’s a doctor, one’s a real estate agent, one’s an insurance agent. If they’re so successful, why were they eating at Denny’s? DirecTV announced they are now coming out with satellite TV service as an option for the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalade already have an incredible stereo, they have refrigerators, now they have satellite TV. You realize this thing is one bathroom away from being a mobile home. Electronics experts announced that by the year 2009, people will be able to watch TV programs on their cell phones. So we’re now exactly four years away from the biggest accident in history. Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride, could be charged with reporting a false crime and could face up to a year in prison. It’s going to be tough for her lawyer if she’s charged. How does he convince the judge she’s not a flight risk? Ed Schantz, the inventor of Botox, passed away last week at the age of 96. Many people in Hollywood were saddened by the news, but you couldn’t tell by looking at their faces. The tribal council of the Navajo Nation have approved a bill to ban same sex marriages among Native Americans. This is really bad news for Skipping Bull and Shopping Bear. Steroid use among young girls is on the rise. Girls as young as nine are taking steroids. Remember when girls were sugar and spice and everything nice? Now they’re strong as a bear with facial hair…. Canadian researchers now say they’ve discovered a way to determine how aggressive a man is based on his finger length. They say the shorter the index finger relative to the ring finger, the more aggressive he will be. And, he’s really aggressive if his middle finger is constantly extended. A small town in Brazil had officially dedicated May 9th as Orgasm Day. Or, as they say in Spanish, Screamo de Mayo. In New York City, three doctors have been charged with illegally supplying Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis to the Gambino crime family. Prosecutors describe these men as hardened criminals. One of the top movies last week was “Kingdom of Heaven.” It’s about the 12 Century crusades, a time when tensions between Christians and Muslims led to bloody violence in the Middle East. Well, thank God those days are over…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Today was a really hot day. I was sweating like a "Star Wars" fan trying to talk to a girl. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: New Jersey officials encouraging all state workers in New Jersey to lead healthier lifestyles because the state is spending too much money on health insurance. The healthiest thing you can do? Move out of New Jersey. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A 17 year-old boy was bitten on the foot by what appears to be a great white shark off the coast of New Jersey. As if great white sharks aren’t scary enough, they can now live in the waters off the coast of New Jersey. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The film, “Alexander,” being released on DVD. They say it will contain a lot of footage never seen before – like, the movie…. Phil Jackson returning to coach the Lakers. Phil is known as the Zen-Master, and he congratulated the Lakers on their Zen performance in the playoffs – they achieved nothingness. Out of the 4 million recorded songs, 1,090 of them have the word, “mother,” in the title. Even more if you count rap songs. In Middlefield, OH, they opened an Amish Wal-Mart. It’s doing pretty well; it’s doing a lot better than the Amish Circuit City they opened a few years ago. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The Supreme Court has ruled that the government has the right to seize your land. And today, Native Americans asked what else was new. (more about the Supreme Court ruling….) In less than two months, 11 people have been killed by vampire bats in Brazil; those are the most dangerous. You know what are the least dangerous bats in the world? The Dodger bats…. Mattel has announced plans for a live-action Barbie musical. They're holding a casting call to find somebody to play Barbie. Well, good luck with that. Where are you going to find a bleached blonde with plastic boobs in LA? Adidas is now selling a $250 running shoe that has a computer chip in the sole that can perform 5 million calculations per second. It's actually able to calculate all the things you could've done with the $250 you spent…. According to "Sports Illustrated," a winery now coming out with a NASCAR wine. I hear there are two type of NASCAR wine: the Red Neck or the White Trash. Catholic Bishops in America are calling for a code of ethics for priests. Didn't that used to be called the Ten Commandments? Mattel has announced plans for a live-action Barbie musical. They're holding a casting call to find somebody to play Barbie. Well, good luck with that. Where are you going to find a bleached blonde with plastic boobs in LA? A woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound, 12 oz baby girl. Doctors say the baby will be walking way before her mother. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Turkey, 452 sheep jumped off a cliff to their deaths. Actually, there could be twice as many as that, but the guy counting sheep fell asleep. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a recent study, kids who have TV sets in their bedrooms score much lower on tests than kids who don’t. Do you know which kids do best? The kids with teachers in their bedrooms. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Another hot day [in Los Angeles]. It was so hot that the team beating the Dodgers actually worked up a sweat. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The former WorldCom executive, Bernie Ebbers, got sentenced to 25 years in prison for running the biggest corporate fraud in history. The judge said this guy deceived more people than the patted bra. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A 70 year-old woman married a 30 year-old guy. She told all her friends that she had fallen for him and she can't get up. That proves that love is blind. It's also deaf, wrinkled, and incontinent. The president of CBS News has commissioned a staff to come up with an evening news format that favors more of a story telling style over the traditional newscast. So, it sounds like they’re bringing back Dan Rather. Congratulations to Lance Armstrong; 7th straight Tour de France. Did you know that he can ride 31 mph for 74 minutes? That’s more than the new Kia. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A bill was recently introduced in Congress that requires 10 million illegal immigrants to leave the country. Opponents of the bill say these workers are important to our economy because they only take the jobs Americans don’t want; which is true. You see, they can’t take the jobs we want, those jobs are already in India…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The governor of Missouri announced that the state will no longer pay for Viagra for poor or low income people. On the bright side, the poor people said they wouldn’t have any hard feelings about this. According to a recent poll, 56% of men say they feel sad the first two years after they get divorced. The other 44% have a pre-nup. A woman in Albany, Indiana, who is divorcing her husband, did not ask for alimony. Instead, she billed him for all the services she provided him for the last five years. $42,000 for cleaning, $53,000 for cooking and laundry, and another $5 for sex. Now I see where the problem is…. According to a new poll, 60% of doctors say they believe in some sort of afterlife. And, here’s the scary part – HMO doctors will actually send you there. Scientists announced recently that they have found trace levels of arsenic in the hair of King George III. They say this may have caused his madness. And you thought your HMO was slow in getting your test results back…. The movie, “Stealth,” is expected to have a blockbuster weekend. No, I’m sorry, it’s expected to be in Blockbuster by the weekend. Domino’s Pizza has a new slogan, “Get the door, it’s Domino’s.” Doesn’t it sound like something you might say on your way to the bathroom? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Cadillac announced that they are coming out with a line of Cadillac bicycles. That’s when you know the price of gas is getting too high. According to the latest statistics, gang membership in the United States is on the rise, some say by as much as 200,000 members. In fact, so many kids are joining gangs, they’re running out of tough gang colors now. A lot of these new gangs are stuck with colors like teal, lime green, and fuchsia…. Scientists at MIT have created the world’s largest number, and they did it without using a computer. They used a gas pump and a Cadillac Escalade. The Rolling Stones are going back on tour; tickets are over $100 a piece. The good news: Medicare will kick in half. Officials are now backing off a statement that terrorists were planning to use fuel trucks for attacks at major cities. Apparently, the fuel prices are so high the terrorists could not afford it. In Beverly Hills, gas is like $3.49 a gallon. I heard people complaining about it in line at Starbucks where they were waiting for their $5 cappuccino. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a poll in “USA Today,” 40% of Mexicans say they would move to the United States if they had the chance. The other 60% are already here. According to a new study in “National Geography,” 11% of Americans between the ages of 18-24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map? Mexico. The Center for Disease Control announced there are new batches of heroin on the East Coast that are filled with a dangerous additive. I believe it’s called heroin. According to the latest statistics, gang membership in the United States is on the rise, some say by as much as 200,000 members. In fact, so many kids are joining gangs, they’re running out of tough gang colors now. A lot of these new gangs are stuck with colors like teal, lime green, and fuchsia…. Wal-Mart says they plan to open over 90 stores in China. One will be a superstore, called the Great Wal-Mart of China. Researchers announced they have invented a technique that allows meat to be grown in test tubes for mass consumption. Don’t we have that already? Aren’t those called Slim Jims? Do you know the difference between FEMA and Social Security? There’s a chance you might actually live long enough to get help from Social Security. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The federal government now going to give $2,000 to each victim of the Hurricane, which they can use for anything they want – food, shelter, a tank of gas. The city of Los Angeles recently celebrated its 224th birthday. In 224 years, LA has grown from a sleepy little village with no housing or public transportation to a huge city with no housing or public transportation. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Both Northwest and Delta airlines have filed for bankruptcy, but they said don’t worry, it will not affect service – the flights will still be late, the food will still suck. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: It seems that over a $1 billion earmarked for defense in Iraq may have been embezzled by Iraqi businessmen and politicians. The good news is that it looks like Iraq is starting to finally adapt the American way of life. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Did you know that China every year holds a Miss Plastic Surgery contest? Or, as we call it here, the Emmys. A new show, “Bones,” premiered on Fox. Don’t confuse that with the UPN show, “America’s Next Top Supermodel.” Happy birthday to the Pillsbury Doughboy, 41 years old. He’s at the age now where now doctors will poke him from the other end. Gillette announced they are coming out with a new men’s shaver, five blades. The first blade gently lifts the whiskers back, the next four blades collect bone marrow. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Gillette has introduced their new “fusion” razor – five blades. Not to be outdone, Schick introduced their new riding mower for your face. A federal government spokesman said the United States government hosted an international conference of 65 countries to keep up with a way to stop this bird flu. They said a bird with the avian flu is the second most dangerous bird to threaten this country. You know what bird kills more Americans than any other? The fried chicken. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Federal health officials issued new warnings about the bird flu. They said to be on the lookout for weak, sickly birds, like the Philadelphia Eagles. Gas prices are getting so expensive in LA that guys have given up trying to impress women with what kind of car they drive. Now they just brag about having a full tank of gas. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Japanese scientists have for the first time captured on film a rare and elusive giant squid from the bottom of the ocean; 3,000 feet down. They described the creature as delicious. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new survey, 77% of women said they had a good time while on a blind date. The other 23% are missing. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Did you know that you don't need to be a lawyer to be a Supreme Court Justice? Same way you don't need to be a baseball player to be on the Dodgers. A lot of controversy over the fact that they are now showing condom commercials on the TV show, "Smallville." Is that the best show? Could be worse…could be "Deadwood." According to researches at Duke University, walking twelve miles a week improves cardiovascular health. Do you know what you call people who walk twelve miles a week now? SUV owners. Gas is so expensive, SUV now stands for Sports Utility Victim. The Air Force is now developing a non-lethal microwave ray that they can fire at enemy ground troops. It’s very sophisticated, and there are different settings for different countries. Like Turkey, you set it on high. For Chinese, you set it to reheat…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: This is now the 15th day of rioting in France. The rioters say they are upset because they are immigrants who have been treated poorly by the French. What? French people treating foreigners rudely? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: One of the oil companies made $100 billion [last quarter]. In fact, the only way the oil companies could make more money is if while they were drilling for oil, they struck Starbucks coffee. The Senate has now voted to allow drilling in the Anwar; that’s the Artic National Wildlife Refuge. Proponents of drilling say it’s possible to go after the oil without hurting the surrounding environment – like we did with Iraq…. According the Pentagon, Iraq detained 83,000 terrorists suspects, enough to fill a football stadium. Do you know what you call a football stadium full of terrorists in this country? Oakland Raiders game. A judge in Utah is in trouble for having three wives. Do you know what the penalty is for having three wives? Three mother-in-laws. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Doctors say to keep in shape, adults should take up skipping. If you want to lose weight, why don’t you try skipping a few meals? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A couple of new terms have been added to Webster’s dictionary this year – chick flick and bikini wax. And they have the same definition, “Incredibly difficult for guys to sit through.” From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A man from Boulder, CO is suing Home Depot claiming he spent 50 minutes stuck to one of their toilet seats after somebody put crazy glue on the toilet seat. He said he decided to sue after he realized he just couldn’t turn the other cheek. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The British carmaker MG has now been sold to a Chinese company. The new name is MSG. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: In Thailand, the director of the new Chang Wei Night Safari Zoo announced at the grand opening, they’re going to have a gourmet dinner featuring tiger meat, elephant meat, and giraffe meat. They said they’re having the dinner to raise money to buy more animals. How about not eating the animals you already have? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: New York City just put three hybrid taxis on the streets. The technology is amazing – they actually run on the driver’s B.O. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: |
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