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The Internet’s main oversight agency has announced plans to make it easier for people to remember web addresses by going to single letters, like www.a.com, www.b.com. This should solve the problem for exactly 26 people…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Two “Playboy” Playmates were arrested after getting in a fight on Frontier Airlines. They were drunk and on a flight between Denver and San Antonio. They started wrestling with passengers and one of them even tried to have sex with the arresting officer. They say Frontier got six complaints and over 30,000 reservations. A film critic was questioning why more studios keep re-making “King Kong”; there’s already been 4 re-makes. One studio would make “King Kong,” then 20 years later, another studio would re-make “King Kong.” You know what I think? It’s just another case of monkey see, monkey do. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Former Major League Baseball relief pitcher, Jeff Reardon (he used to pitch for the Boston Red Sox), arrested and charged for armed robbery after he tried to hold up a jewelry store. Actually, what happened was that the starting pitcher held up the store and Reardon came in afterwards. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Last Thursday was National Smith Day, the day we honor the most common last name in the United States; except here in California, where we call it Sanchez Day. A disaster expert in England has come out with a list of the top 10 disasters British people fear the most. Do you know what number one is? A Charles and Camilla sex tape. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to research at the University of Toronto, women who drink six or more cups of coffee a day lower their risk of cancer. You thought cancer treatment was expensive before, now you’ve got Starbucks involved. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Last year, a record 24.9 million people visited Los Angeles. Half flew into LAX, the other half snuck across the border. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A very eccentric woman in Israel married a dolphin; and her mother was very upset. The mother told her [daughter] not to rush into this; there are plenty of other fish in the sea…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to the BBC, 1 out of every 10 Europeans was conceived on a bed from Ikea. The other 9 were conceived on the floor because their parents couldn’t figure out how to put the bed together. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Have you heard Ford Motor Company’s new slogan? Quality is Job 1; Job 2 is working at Wal-Mart. The NFL is ending its 3 year deal with Levitra. Apparently there were no hard feelings…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to a Harlequin romance novel poll, 7% of women believe online dating to be really effective. The other 93% are still missing. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to the ratings, 91 million people watched the Super Bowl. 91 million minus 5 if you count the referees…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The 99 Cent store in Burbank had a full page ad for 99 cent condoms and a 99 cent pregnancy test. If you’re going to use a 99 cent condom, you will need a 99 cent pregnancy test…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to government auditors, a lot of people in New Orleans spent their Hurricane Katrina debit card money on things like lap dances, liquor, tattoos, and condoms. And the rest of the money they just wasted. An execution was postponed here in California after a group of doctors refused to participate in the lethal injection. They couldn’t go ahead because there was no doctor present. Which is a good thing, because God forbid if something went wrong and the man died…. According to “Daily Variety,” the latest trend in Hollywood movies now is gay-themed movies. In fact, there’s one in production now called, “Dude, Where’s my Dude?” “March of the Penguins” up for Best Documentary. If they win, those penguins will not have to march 71 miles for sex anymore…. According to a poll in “Cosmopolitan” magazine, 13% of all men admit that they have tried on a bra. Here’s the sad part: 43% of all American men actually need one. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: More bad news for Bode Miller. On his way home from Torino, he didn’t catch his plane. He apparently missed the gate…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: “Crash” upset “Brokeback Mountain” to win Best Picture. Both “Crash” and “Brokeback Mountain” have similar themes. Whether you’re a driver in Los Angeles or a cowboy in Montana, keep checking your rearview mirror because you don’t know who’s coming up behind you. “Brokeback Mountain,” although it was a sad movie, a lot of people don’t know this, but “Brokeback Mountain” actually did have a happy ending. It was in the first act of the film…. “Brokeback Mountain” director Ang Lee was a little torn last Sunday night. On the one hand, he won Best Director; on the other hand, he lost Best Picture. So for him, a little sweet, a little sour. A new scientific study show that in prehistoric times, cavemen preferred blondes. Well yeah, they felt smarter that way. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: The number of cigarettes sold in the United States has fallen to its lowest level in 55 years. The reason – most smokers are dead. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to a Harris Poll, 64% of Americans say they are healthy eaters and follow a health-conscious diet. The other 36% had a stroke during the survey. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: In Chicago, during a confrontation with authorities, a man cut off his own penis and threw it at police. Police said today that the guy was just nuts. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Have you bought gas this week? Isn’t it unbelievable? You now have three choices – regular, super unleaded, and Starbucks. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Daylight Savings Time, we lost an hour over the weekend. Unless, of course, you went to see “Basic Instinct 2,” then you lost a total of three hours over the weekend. According to the latest statistics, there are now 11 million illegal immigrants in the United States. Here’s the part that surprised me – over half of them are on the Yankee pitching staff. According to a new report by the National Association of Realtors, 40% of homes purchased are second homes. The average American now has two homes; one here, and of course their original home in Mexico. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: A prostitute said in the “New York Times” that she keeps track of all her earnings and fills out a tax form each year and sends them in. She says she wants to do the right thing and be a tax-paying member of society. Isn’t that ironic? The only person in the world who refuses to screw the IRS and it’s a hooker. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: In St. Paul, MN, the city hall there removed a display of the Easter bunny and eggs and everything, and they took down the sign that said, “Happy Easter,” because they thought it might offend non-Christians. Good thing. You wouldn’t want anything Christian tainting a city called, Saint Paul. Wal-Mart opened a new experimental upscale Wal-Mart store they said would cater to the more wealthy Wal-Mart customer. They opened it up in Plano, TX. Do you know what you call an upscale Wal-Mart in Texas? Target. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to the British Cheese Association, cheese is a natural painkiller. How frustrating is that for mice? You’re there with your head in the trap and the thing that can help you is inches away…. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: According to the Oxford dictionary, the number of words in the English language now has surpassed 1 billion. No, I’m sorry. that’s the number of people in the United States who don’t speak any English. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Number 1 movie over the weekend, “Mission Impossible: 3.” Three? I’m starting to think these missions aren’t that impossible. This Mother’s Day, a real dilemma for some people – do you spend the $100 to get mom a dozen roses or do you spend the $100 to fill the car with gas to visit mom. The California State Senate wants to pass a bill that would require students to study gay history. Let’s see you get excellent grades in gay history. Do they call them straight A’s? From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Scientists say they are working on a device that will actually warn you when you’re being boring or irritating in a social situation. You now who could really use this? Scientists. Convicted terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui now says he lied about his involvement with 9/11. he wants to change his plea to guilty after he was convicted. Apparently, he expected the death penalty where he would’ve died and received 72 virgins, as opposed to life in prison where he would be placed in a cell with 72 guys looking at him as if he were a virgin. A new Senate report advises that FEMA should be abolished. That sounds a little drastic; what would we do without FEMA? I guess we could ask the folks in New Orleans…. According to a "National Geographic" survey, one-third of people responding to the survey could not find Louisiana on a map. And those were just people who work at FEMA. A California jury has awarded a 53 year-old woman $1.7 million for being spanked in front of her colleagues at work. All these years, that woman was sitting on a fortune and didn't know it. From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: From Late Night with Conan O’Brien: Kentucky Fried Chicken now has come out with what they call their Famous Bowls. It’s a bowl of mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, cheese, fried chicken, all mixed in together. Didn’t that used to be called left-overs? In Lorain, OH, an 8 year-old boy was kicked out of school for allegedly sexually harassing a girl in gym class. They say he would run up, touch her, and run away. That’s sexual harassment. In my day, it was called tag. World Cup soccer began last week and once again the American team not expected to win the big prize. I don't get this. Every week, 2 million people sneak across the border from Mexico; you'd think 11 of them could play soccer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: ABC is canceling the show, “Invasion,” about the invasion of the Earth. Of course, the tough part is getting the aliens to go home…. According to the "New York Post," scientists have now bred the world's first hypoallergenic cat. They're selling these cats for $7,000 a piece. $7,000 for a cat that doesn't make you sneeze. Of course, it'll make you cry everytime you realize you paid $7,000. Illegal border crossings along the U.S./Mexican have dropped 23% in the first ten days of June. They think it's because of the presence of National Guard troops or maybe the fact that everybody from Mexico is already here. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Congressional investigators say FEMA was conned out of $1.4 billion in bogus claims including people paying for season football tickets, tropical vacations, golfing outings.... I'm sorry, that was Tom Delay. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: For five days in a row, a black bear kept wandering the streets of an exclusive LA suburb until the police caught it. You know why the cops kept hassling the bear? Because it’s black. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Police in Brooklyn, NY said the man they were trying to arrest bit off his own tongue and spit it out. Here’s my question: do they still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: For years, they’ve been saying because soccer is so popular in Europe, one day it would be popular in the United States, too. That worked so well for the metric system…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Scientists have discovered a new hormone that can prevent people from fighting. That’s not new; I think the French discovered this about sixty years ago. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A woman in New Hampshire is charged with providing alcohol and sex to underage teenagers. She's charged with throwing an alcohol party with teenage boys and having sex with them. she's currently being held on $50,000 bail. This weekend the boys are holding a car wash to pay the bail. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The first ever beer health center has opened up in the Czech Republic. It’s a health center where people actually swim in beer; the pool is filled with beer. You thought people peed a lot in a regular community pool…. Over in Finland, their big amusement park, like Disneyland, a placed called “Santa Park,” had to fire all its full-time elves just to stay in business. That’s the problem with downsizing – it’s always the little people…. A woman in Spokane, WA being accused of using her boss’ credit card to pay for breast implants, furniture, and car repairs. Apparently, when the boss found out, he was furious about the furniture and car repair. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the American Psychiatric Association, marijuana can cause depression – especially when you run out of it. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Census Bureau announced that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, DC in population. Of course, the big difference between Vegas and Washington is that in Vegas people gamble with their own money. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new comprehensive study, Americans are becoming more socially-isolated. A surprisingly large number of Americans say they have no one to confide in. Really? Who are all these people talking to on these cell phones? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Did you know that Beirut, Lebanon is Los Angeles’ sister city? Make sense. It’s a desert with foreign speaking people and non-stop gunfire. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The situation in Lebanon is not good. Did you know we have 25,000 English speaking people in Lebanon? That’s more than in Los Angeles. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sammy Sosa, the former Chicago Cubs star, is now down at his home in the Dominican Republic and says he is considering coming back if the timing is right. You know, after they’ve done testing for steroids. A two year study presented at the National Academy of Sciences has determined it’s hard to learn anything if you try to study with the TV on. It would’ve been a one year study, but they had the TV on. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Senate voted against raising the minimum wage last week and Wal-Mart employees are furious – they said they would never have come to this country illegally if they knew they would be treated this way. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A Nobel-winning scientist has come up with what he says is a plan to save the world from global warming. He wants to fill giant balloons with sulphur and then release the gas by shooting ammunition at the balloon. Does that sound like a good idea? If bullets and toxic gas prevent global warming, LA would be the healthiest city. Scientists in Oklahoma said last week that arsenic can cause tumors. I find that hard to believe...there are scientists in Oklahoma? A British report says the average cell phone carries more germs than a toilet seat. But to be fair, I still would rather talk in a cell phone. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In medical news, doctors are now offering liposuction to people who have fat toes. You know the main cause of fat toes? Eating Chee-Toes, DoriTOS, FriTOs…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: There’s a cover story in a recent issue of “Seventeen” magazine called “690 Ways to Look Pretty.” Girls, let me tell you something – if you need 690 ways to look pretty, don’t even go outside. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The National Hobo Convention opened in Britt, Iowa recently. The town of Britt says the convention is expected to bring in over $18. Denny’s restaurants now serving the Extreme Grand Slam breakfast. They’ve doubled everything – it now has 1,270 calories, double the toast, double the eggs, double the bacon. The only thing cut in half? Your life expectancy. In what’s being called a miracle, a 24 year-old woman in northern Israel was saved during a Hezbollah rocket attack when the fragment from a rocket was stopped by her breast implants. So if breast implants can save your life, last weekend’s Emmy Awards was the safest place in the world. Leading astronomers have officially declared that Pluto is no longer a planet. How bad do you have to screw up to get kicked out of the universe? One of the ten most wanted men in America was captured in Las Vegas this week, wanted polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs. This Jeff’s guy allegedly had forty wives. Do you know what the penalty is for forty wives? Forty mother-in-laws. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new survey, 67% of men say they have at least $100 with them on their first date. The other 33% said the $100 was how they got the first date. According to a new book called the female brain, women use an average of 20,000 words a day while men only use an average of 7,000 words a day. But actually, it balances out because men only hear about half the words women say. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the Census Bureau, based on education rankings, the nation’s smartest city is Seattle. Why sure, they figured out how to make the rest of the world get in line to pay $6 for a cup of coffee. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Big scandal on the new “Survivor” series. The White, the Black, and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Big announcement from the Ford Motor Company. Quality is still job 1, however jobs 2 to 75,000 have been eliminated. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: “Gridiron Gang” was the number 1 movie at the box office, taking in $15 million. It’s about a juvenile detention camp that forms a football team. So, kind of like the Oakland Raiders, but they’re good. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Radical Muslims are still angry at [a speech made by] the Pope. As you may have heard, the Vatican has increased protection around the Pope. How ironic is that – a Catholic using protection. A company has just come out with a new energy drink called Cocaine. There’s no cocaine in it, but it’s supposed to give you the effects of having done cocaine. Did you ever think you would see the day when kids could go to the store, be denied spinach, but buy all the cocaine they want? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The big sports story reported last week was that Dallas Cowboy wide-receiver Terrell Owens tried to commit suicide. I didn’t believe it. Now, if he played for the Oakland Raiders, then I might believe it. Over the weekend, North Korean set off a nuclear bomb. We don’t know much about North Korea’s arms program; they keep their weapons top secret. By the end of the year, they could have as many bombs as NBC…. (more on the North Korean nuclear weapons test….) From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A Utah woman has set the world record for having the longest fingernails – 24 feet long. And you know what she does for a living? Proctologist. According to a new study, 50% of all published research papers are wrong. Half of all the new scientific and medical studies accepted to be fact eventually turn out to be wrong. The good news? This study has a 50% change of being wrong. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In England, an evolutionary theorist says in the next 300 years, most humans will have coffee-colored skin. That’s when you know you’re drinking too much Starbucks…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a story at Bringham Young University, analyzing a young girl’s hair can determine if she’s bulimic. For example, if the hair has vomit in it, she’s bulimic. In China, doctors have performed the world’s first penis transplant surgery. They said the most difficult part of the surgery – finding donors. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NBC recently announced that they are going to go with lower cost programming to save money. In fact, you know the show “Las Vegas”? it’s now going to called “Laughlin.” A new movie recently opened called “Stranger Than Fiction.” It’s a fantasy about a man who constantly hears a woman voice telling him what to do. Isn’t that called marriage? The San Francisco 49ers are now moving their team to Santa Clara, CA. They said they wanted to move a place that didn't have a professional football team. Hey, why not go to Oakland. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Baltimore, the nation’s top Roman Catholic bishops outlined the church’s new guidelines for gay outreach. It’s pretty simple – if you reach, you’re out. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Do you believe the long lines for the PS3? There have been riots, fist fights, people shoving, running into the stores as fast as they can. The sad thing is for most of these video game players, this is the most exercise they’d get all year. What’s ten blocks long and never had sex? The line for PlayStation 3. Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand of wine. It'll be available in two flavors: red and white trash. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Experts say Iraq's border is 90% under control. Which is pretty good considering our border in San Diego is only 20% under control. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Wal-Mart said its pre-Christmas sales were down in November. Thank God that doesn’t affect anything made in America. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Wal-Mart said its pre-Christmas sales were down in November. Thank God that doesn’t affect anything made in America. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: One of the plans being considered in Iraq right now is to divide the country into three parts. Grateful, ungrateful, and really ungrateful. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sony has just come out with a new Walkman that cuts out 75% of all outside noise. They say when you’re wearing it, all you hear is the music. I believe it’s called the new Sony Jogger Killer. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The most popular gift in America this year is gift cards. they are now developing a universal gift card that can be used at any store, anywhere in America. Isn’t that called money? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: An overweight passenger is suing Air France after being told he was too fat and would have to buy a second seat. Give you an idea how fat this guy was – both seats were window seats. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a study at the University of Ethics, 61% of high school students say they have cheated on a test. The other 39% were Asian students. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin are studying whether obesity is contagious. I think you can catch it from food, if I'm not mistaken. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: China has recruited the tallest man in the world, Mr. Bao, who's 7'9" to save a dolphin that accidentally ate a plastic bag. The man has 42" arms, reached into the dolphin's throat and pulled it out. Chinese officials say the dolphin is now healthy and safe to eat. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: |
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