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270 prominent scientists say within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don’t want to do; especially illegal robots from Mexico. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: VH1 is coming out with a new reality program called “The White Rapper Show.” It’s ten white guys who all want to be rappers and they all live in one house together. The winner gets to record an album and the losers have to listen to it. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The latest dating craze is something called “Cuddle Parties.” People spend $30 to cuddle with complete strangers. If you want to cuddle with strangers, fly Southwest. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Ashley Harder has resigned her title of Miss New Jersey because she is pregnant. So, I guess we know what her talent was…. A skull has been discovered over Romania that has both human and Neanderthal features. Anthropologists believe this could be the world’s oldest Oakland Raiders fan. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The price of orange juice is expected to double or triple because of the freezing temperatures. That’s why I only drink frozen orange juice; that shouldn’t go up…. The American Dialect Society has chosen the word “Pluto” as 2006 Word of the Year. To be “Plutoed” means to be demoted in value, like what happened to the planet Pluto. So it’s bad to be “Plutoed,” but to be honest, I’d rather be Plutoed than Uranus-ed. According to a new report from Nickelodeon, one out of five kids said they don’t need to be good spellers because they have spell check; the other four kids were Asian. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Arizona parents are still wondering how a 29 year-old adult sex offender was able to pass himself off as a 7th grader for four months. He faces up to 50 years of detention. An Italian designer has come out with a line of leggings designed especially for men. So ladies, word of advice: you come home and you find your guy wearing leggings for men, he’s probably wearing leggings for men. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A rare species of shark that lives 2,000 feet under the sea was captured by the staff of a Japanese marine park. Officials describe the shark as five feet long and delicious. A recent survey of drivers and their distractions found that 68% eat meals while driving, 73% talk on the phone while driving, and 98% filled out the survey while driving. Maytag has recalled 2.3 million dishwashers and the INS deported 50 more…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: For the first time ever, Kentucky Fried Chicken is now selling fish. They’ve introduced a new menu item called the fish snacker. When you think of seafood, you think of Kentucky. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Denmark announced it is pulling its troops out of Iraq. People are stunned – they didn’t even know Denmark had an army. According to a new report by the UN, livestock is more responsible for global warming than all the cars in the world combined. They say the methane gas from cows causes twenty times more global warming than carbon dioxide. That’s why my next cow is going to be a hybrid. It’s going to be a slow pull out. Lars will leave on Wednesday, then Olaf will come home sometime in August. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Prince Charles has been speaking out about the consumption of fast food. Prince Charles wants to ban McDonald’s in England – but you notice he didn’t say anything about Burger King. These royals, always sticking together…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new study, atheism is in decline around the world – although most atheists say they don’t believe it. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new poll, half of all college students admit to binge drinking. The other half was too drunk to answer the question. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A store called “Bridal Boutique” is now selling Disney-themed bridal gowns. The most popular bridal gown? Cinderella. The least popular? Dumbo. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Al Gore taking a little heat after it was revealed his home in Tennessee uses twenty times the energy of the average household. Now that’s an inconvenient truth…. Prince Charles wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. And who better to teach people that excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Romania, a 38 year-old woman needed medical help after she swallowed her lover’s false teeth after a passionate kiss. That’s something that could wind up biting you in the ass. The Walt Disney Company has started production on a new animated movie that will feature Disney’s first black princess. I believe it’s called, “Sleeping Bootie.” In Germany, a belly dancer has been given a huge cash settlement after a plastic surgeon giving her liposuction accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks. Talk about a half-assed job…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Postal Service announced they are about to issue a new line of postage stamps. Government officials are concerned about what might happen if they combine “Star Wars” lovers with people who love stamp collecting. They’re afraid they might create a race of super nerds. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “Glamour” magazine, women who drink too much on dates tend to gain weight. I believe it’s called pregnancy. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A man in Florida wants to stop paying alimony to his ex-wife because she recently had a sex change operation and is now a man. She still wants money from the guy even though she’s a man. Well, that takes balls…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: 28 people were arrested after an online investigation in Florida to catch older men soliciting sex from minors – one of the guys worked at Disneyland. I knew they shouldn’t have hired that new dwarf – Sleazy. Scientists now believe they have located a part of the human body that causes obesity. I believe it’s called your mouth. A man in Los Angeles is suing the Veteran’s Hospital for mistakenly removing the wrong testicle. As sad as that is, I hate to see such a fine facility brought down by one nut. A new poll shows that 29% of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. Do you know what the technical name of people who have little hope of getting Internet access? AOL customers. Funeral directors are complaining that people are so fat they cant’ fit in the crematoriums anymore. That means it’s just as hard to burn fat after you’re dead as when you’re alive. According to a new poll, 29% of Americans say they don’t have Internet access and have no plans to get it. Which answers the age old question: who still buy porn magazines at a newsstand? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In New York City, women are being paid as much as $1,200 to lie on a table in these fancy restaurants completely naked; the chefs cover them with food and then people come and eat the food off their naked body. You know what they call women that do this? Lazy Susans…. Scientists in England are now developing a pill they say will boost a woman’s sex drive and at the same time reduce her appetite. They say their goal is to develop the world’s cheapest dinner date. Los Angeles Times sports writer Mike Penner has announced he’s undergoing a sex change operation and will soon come back to work as Christine Daniels. Do you know what’s the most painful part about going from a man to a woman? The pay cut. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Earlier this season, the Milwaukee Brewers offered their fans free rectal exams in the parking lot. The Yankees have something like that – it’s called buying a ticket. The Milwaukee Brewers recently offered fans free rectal exams at the stadium. Everybody who got an exam got two free tickets to the game. And, you can tell which ones got the exam – they were the only ones standing during the whole game. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Three JetBlue employees at JFK Airport in New York City were arrested on charges of stealing credit card numbers from customers. They were release on bail – since they’re JetBlue employees, they’re not considered a flight risk. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Beauty spas across the country are charging $800 for what they call a “Butt Facial.” They remove your cellulite and lift your buttocks up higher. There are places that will only charge $400, but they do a half-assed job. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a study by the University of Washington, 90% of children under the age of 2 are couch potatoes. You know what you call these kids? Tater tots. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: MySpace just deleted the web pages of nearly a thousand known sex offenders. They were replaced immediately with thousands of unknown sex offenders. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In England, the Department of Health announced that soon nurses in England will be replaced by robots because they say robots are cheaper, more careful, and make fewer mistakes. Robots as nurses? That would change the porn industry as we know it. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A beer brew in Illinois just created a pizza-flavored beer. There are actual real pieces of pizza stirred in the beer. Didn’t that used to be called vomit? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Amsterdam, a 400 pound gorilla escaped from its enclosure, bit a woman, but everything’s going to be okay. The gorilla ran into a crowded restaurant and it took authorities a long time to find the gorilla because, frankly, nobody wanted to talk about the 400 pound gorilla in the room. Scientists are now trying to raise cows that give skim milk. They’re also working with bisexual cows to try and get half and half. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: An 18 year-old woman has been arrested for pretending to be a student at Stanford University. Do you know what you call somebody who pretends to be a college student? An athlete. A study by a University of Pennsylvania professor found that white referees called fouls at a greater rate against black players than white players. But, in their defense, it’s hard to call a foul when the white guy is sitting on the bench. McDonald’s announced they are going to eliminate trans fat from their menu within a year. The bad news – trans fat plans to eliminate McDonald’s customers in about four months. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A British man has broken the “Guinness Book of World Record” for sleep deprivation by staying awake 11 days and 11 nights straight. His secret? A futon. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Florida, a baby was born at a McDonald’s restaurant. She’s a healthy baby girl, weighing 6 pounds, 7 ounces, although by the time the kid left McDonald’s she weighed 38 pounds…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The annual Iranian Fashion Show was held in Tehran recently. Fashion experts in the Middle East say they expect veils and long robes to be in this year, as they have been for the last 3,000 years. The Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese has paid $660 million to settle sexual abuse claims. Plus, they also have to release all the priests personal confidential files. I believe they’re called pedo-files. According to recent reports, Al Qaeda is increasing efforts to sneak into the United States and they’re getting pretty serious. I understand now they’re learning Spanish. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the International Health and Sports Club Association, more than a million kids in America now have personal trainers. The trainers help the kids stay active and help them get exercise. They had something like that when I was a kid. They were called friends. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Wal-Mart is considering in investing in a retail business in China, but there are issues of slave labor, horrible working conditions, and brutal treatment. But China said Wal-Mart is welcome anyway. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: |
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