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After that terrible incident over the Christmas holiday at the San Francisco Zoo, they are now reopening the zoo with new safety signs. So, let’s hope these new tigers can read…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A new Japanese government report says that Japan could have nuclear weapons within 3 to 5 years. The report also says that the Japanese nuclear weapons will be similar to American nuclear weapons but smaller and more efficient. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: All these Las Vegas casinos are installing heart defibrillators and are training their personnel to use them. I guess they realized a lot of their customers were dying before they lost all their money. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the Department of Agriculture, Americans are eating four times as much Mexican food as they did two years ago. You know why? We have four times as many Mexicans. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Defense Department is always trying to come up with new kinds of food for our armed forces; the latest one is something called the “liquid taco.” I always thought a liquid taco is something you got after eating a regular taco. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: 70% of all people who die in England are cremated. So apparently, the only thing English people know how to cook is other English people. 61% of people in Nevada are cremated. The other 39% are shot in the back of the head and dumped in the middle of the desert. In Tennessee, it is legal to eat road kill. Restaurants in Tennessee are cashing in on this. A Denny’s in Nashville just introduced a new Pontiac Grand Am breakfast. (more on Tennessee road kill….) (even more on Tennessee road kill….) Terrorists are using suicide donkeys to carry out missions; they pack them with explosives then detonate them. Let me tell you something: if you use a donkey for suicide missions, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. Anthropologists say that kissing really started with chimpanzees and orangutans well before the arrival of man; and that early man most likely learned kissing from orangutans. Early man? Sounds more like really lonely man. According to a recent poll, 75% of New Jersey residents rate their state as a good or excellent place to live. The other 25% are still missing. One in four Americans cannot locate the ocean closest to them. And here’s the scary part: the study was done in Hawaii. The big rumor is that Home Depot wants to open a series of smaller format stores on Main Street. Kind of like the stores we used to have before Home Depot put them out of business. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Gasoline close to $4 a gallon here in Los Angeles. There are advantages to high gas prices. Like, a friend of mine filled up his Kia and doubled the value of his car. A Japanese pharmaceutical company has just come out with a sleeping pill for children. A lot of people upset about this; none of them airline passengers. According to a new book coming out about Adolf Hitler, they say that Hitler suffered from chronic gas. They said that he had chronic gas so often that he would constantly leave a room if he had a problem. You know Hitler...he didn't want to offend anyone. The St. Regis Hotel in New York City is offering a $1,600 bath. You get a tub filled with rose petals, Cru champagne, and French chocolate truffles. Women who tried it said it helped them realize their inner peace. And men who tried it said it helped them realize they were gay. According to the Centers for Health Study, 70% of Americans do not get enough exercise. The other 30% are selling exercise equipment on cable. According to a new study in Harper’s Index, 61% of single women said they were willing to marry just for money. The other 39% don’t live in Los Angeles. According to “Self” magazine, 59% of Americans do not believe in reincarnation. On the other hand, 41% felt they’d been asked this question before…. According to “Cosmopolitan” magazine, 87% of men say it’s really sexy to date a woman who makes a lot more money than they do. The other 13% of men do not work at McDonald’s. Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the 79 year-old suicide doctor, planning to run for Congress. Talk about a politician with a lot of skeletons in his closet…. British scientists have created an embryo with three parents – one dad and two moms. That’s not that amazing – that’s like every kid in Beverly Hills. According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them bullets. The Drug Enforcement Agency says there is a new dangerous form of heroin on the streets; as opposed to the normal heroin found in health foods…. They now say that wine can help you lose weight. It’s not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it’s all the walking you do trying to remember where you live. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the San Gabriel Valley Tribune, because of the high price of crude, drilling for oil in Los Angeles is profitable and once again Los Angeles could see oil wells popping up all over the place. A lot of people say the oil wells will be an eyesore, but they say not to worry: they’re going to disguise them as cell phone towers. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A guy was recently arrested for masturbating on an American Airlines flight. Now he's trying to decide if he should get an attorney or just handle it himself. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Sea lions can go as long as 3 months without eating. They’re only one of two mammals that can do that. The other, of course, being super models. According to a recent issue of “Newsweek,” they are reporting that in Iraq, Shiites are turning on their supporters. Do you know what that means? The Shiites are really hitting the fans…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Department of Homeland Security deported 280,000 illegal immigrants last year. And they’re getting tough: they’re threatening to deport them again this year. Seven out of ten American high school students couldn’t find Canada on a map. If you want high school kids to find Canada on a map, bring back the draft. Last week was “Take Your Daughter” to work day. As you know, they started this to encourage dads to take their daughter to work to show them what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace. Actually, you want to show your daughter what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace? Cut her allowance by 40%. Last week was also National Karaoke Week. Did you know that Karaoke is a Japanese word that means “I’m drunk and think I can sing.” A study says, statistically, when women die, they tend to die within a week of their birthday. This is awful for guys – now you have to buy flowers twice in a week. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Did you know that Amtrak can charge disabled people in wheelchairs more money to ride the train because they take up more space? The ironic part: if it hadn’t been for Amtrak, they wouldn’t have been disabled in the first place. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Last weekend marked the 30th anniversary of the very first Spam email. Think about it: before Spam email, there was no way to refinance your house while enlarging your penis. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “AARP Magazine,” 19% of Americans report eating ice cream in bed. The other 81% didn’t know you were supposed to report it. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The federal government has dropped out of having U.S. students compete in the international competition that compares math and science students. They feel American students can no longer compete on the global scale. Isn’t that unbelievable? Our Asian students are just as smart as Japan’s and China’s students…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new medical study, smoking marijuana can lead to depression. The depression usually starts when you realize you’ve run out of marijuana. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to the latest report, mental illness costs Americans $193 billion in lost earnings. That’s insane. In Malibu, officials have banned all plastic bags. Plastic is not allowed now in the city limits of Malibu…unless it’s being used for eyes, lips, nose, or buttocks. NASA said they have developed a $250 million machine for the astronauts that will convert their urine into drinking water. Actually, the machine only cost $900; the rest of the money was spent trying to get people to test it. Students in England are being given bananas during final exams to help keep up their energy; and it’s working: test scores are up 23%. However, the number of teachers slipping and falling? Up 89%. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Did you see that huge fire at NBC Universal? The fire got so out of control was because firefighters had to wait three hours before they could get in. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: $4 is now the average around the country for a gallon of gas. In fact, gas is so expensive now that a lot of pumps are changing their signs to read Small, Grande, and VentI. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new survey by the Department of Energy and General Motors, 90% of women surveyed said they would rather be with a guy with a fuel-efficient car than a guy who drives a big fancy sports car. The other 10% live in L.A. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NASA was finally able to fix the toilet on the space station. The repair cost was $450 million. So apparently they use the same plumber I have. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Good news for the Smart Car; you know those cute little cars you see running around. National Highway Safety Administration did a crash test recently and the Smart Car did very well. The drivers didn’t make it…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Police in Connecticut found a pipe bomb concealed inside a raw dead chicken laying on the side of the road. It sounds like Al Qaeda is starting to have serious budget problems. I don’t think president Bush understands the problem of high gas prices. Like today, when he was told gas was an average of $4 a gallon in the country, he said, “Well, how much is it in the city?” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a new survey, 56% of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44% were models who didn’t understand the question. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In a recent Pentagon report, more than one thousand nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction. Transportation officials report a record number of traffic accidents for the first 8 days of July. You know why? The new hands-free cell phone law. People in L.A. aren’t used to driving with two hands and are over compensating. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In an effort not to offend western visitors to the upcoming Olympics, restaurants in Beijing, China have taken dog off the menu. In fact, they even had to drop one of their most popular summer treats – the pupsicle. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A Qantas airline flight had to make an emergency landing after a giant hole ripped through the underside of the plane causing it to fall 20,000 feet. Passengers said they would’ve lost their lunch, but the airlines no longer serve lunch…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Have you seen these ads on TV for the all bran cereal where they ask people to take the 10 day all bran challenge, but before taking it they advise people to consult their physician. Let me tell you something: if you’re going on a 10 day all bran challenge, you might want to consult your plumber. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Economists say the economic slowdown has caused a reduction in plastic surgery, like boob jobs and such. They say women are getting fewer and fewer breast implants. This is what they mean when they call it a sagging economy. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to MSNBC, some people really are allergic to exercise. I believe these people are called Americans. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Conan O'Brien Olympics Bonus: From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: Starbucks has come out with their own fruit smoothie, called the Vivano, which is an Italian word that means $6 Slurpee. According to the Wall Street Journal, one good way to save money in this bad economy is to make your own coffee instead of picking up a latte at Starbucks. And Starbucks said today a good say to save money is to cancel your subscription to the Wall Street Journal. According to a recent statistic, only 6% of children play outside every week. And here’s the worst part – when they do go outside, it’s just to chase down the ice cream truck. The American College of Emergency Physicians has announced there’s an epidemic of people being run over while walking and text messaging. You know who’s hitting them? People driving and text messaging…. I learned something from watching the gymnastics competition at the Olympics. Like, in Chinese, the number 13 is equivalent to our number 16. A lot of people thought that one Chinese gymnast was way too young. In fact, that was her name – Way Too Young…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Ohio, a kitten has been born with two faces, four eyes, two noses, two mouths. Do you know what you call a kitten with two faces, four eyes, two noses, two mouths? A copy cat. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: GM is developing a futuristic high-tech windshield to help elderly drivers; it combines lasers, infrared sensors, and cameras to enhance what's happening on the road so older drivers with vision problems can see better. And what could be easier for senior citizens than learning to use an infrared, laser sensor and camera while driving down the road? The Nestle food company is recalling 215,000 pounds of Hot Pockets because they may contain an unhealthy piece of foreign material. Have you ever had a Hot Pocket? It is an unhealthy piece of foreign material. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The economy is continuing to spiral: I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller. According to the “New York Post,” strippers in New York are hurting because all these bankruptcies in Wall Street mean fewer customers and smaller tips. What is this country coming to when young women with no education and fake boobs can no longer make ends meet? I’m not saying our money has lost its value, but today I dropped $5 and was charged with littering. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Give you an idea how bad the economy is: I wrote a $5 check over the weekend and the bank bounced. Give you an idea how bad the economy is: I saw a gay guy shopping at JCPenney. A murder trial in Paris, France made history when the victim’s dog was called to the witness stand. Usually if you want to see a dog getting grilled you have to go to Beijing. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Have you heard of this new website called GradeGenie.com? It’s a place where college students share study materials and you can download other student’s notes and collaborate to get better grades. Didn’t that used to be called cheating? A lot of colleges around the country are teaching a course on “positive psychology,” where they teach you to be happy, and you stay happy until you graduate and realize employers do not consider happiness a skill. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Google has now developed a new feature on Gmail that will force users to take an online sobriety test in order to send an email. It’s supposed to prevent people from emailing drunk or sending something you would later regret. So to log on, you need to answer five simple math questions. And if you can’t do it, you’re either drunk or you went to public school…. In Boulder, CO, a 46 year-old man recovering after being hit by a car while walking, 6 hours later he decided to relax by riding his bike, got hit by a train. When the police arrived, he said, “Boy, I hope I don’t miss my flight.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The chairman of the UN panel on climate change says that animals account for 1/5 of all greenhouse gas omissions. Yeah, but what can you do about that? You ever try to get animals to carpool? According to a new report, the average worker spends 25% of the working day browsing eBay auctions and visiting online dating services. You know what that means? Only 75% of the day is spent looking at porn. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Congratulations to the Clippers: they won their first game of the season; they beat the Dallas Mavericks. So…this has not been a good week for Mavericks…. According to the papers, the economy is hurting prostitutes. They say that prostitutes working the brothels in Nevada are having a hard time making enough money to pay their mortgages; business is way down, which is kind of sad. I mean, you hate to see these women just walking the streets. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Starbucks profits dropped 97% in the fourth quarter. Who would’ve believed people out of work wouldn’t pay $5 for a cup of coffee…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: (…more on the Southern California Wildfires) Congratulations to Sesame Street: they are now 36 years-old last week. Who would’ve guessed 39 years ago Sesame Street would still be going strong and Wall Street would wind up being canceled. Starbucks profits dropped 97% in the fourth quarter. It’s the second largest…I’m sorry, I mean the second Venti-est drop ever. American Express wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners’ Club. Got some bad news today: my new flat screen TV from Circuit City is being delivered by DHL. The three big domestic automakers announced they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The FDA announced that they are going to block all products from China that contain milk. I don’t want to say Chinese milk is tainted; that’s not fair, but on the Chinese milk carton when it says 2%, that’s your odds for survival. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Do you know what the actual definition of a recession is? It’s two consecutive quarters of declining productivity, or as the Clippers call it, halftime. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The United States Postal Service said that the economy is so bad that it will have its first lay-offs in the history of the post office – may lay-off 40,000 workers. Company officials said they have no idea what happened, they don’t understand why people aren’t using the mail like they used to, and they said all 40,000 workers would be notified by email. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Recently in Washington, D.C., a Secret Service agent was arrested after he propositioned an undercover police officer; tried to pay her $20 to have sex. He’s driving a marked Secret Service car, drove up to a female undercover cop, says, “Nice thighs,” and offered her $20 to have sex. I don’t know what’s more amazing: that this guy’s that dumb or that cheap. In a stunning announcement, the Office of the National Drug Control Policy reported that San Francisco now has more medical marijuana dispensaries than it does Starbucks. That’s because marijuana is a lot cheaper than Starbucks. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: NASA now installing a device in the International Space Station that will provide drinking water for the astronauts from their own recycled urine. Scientists say this is a breakthrough because now they will have an almost unlimited supply of water. Of course, the big problem now: bad breath. (…more on the astronauts) A teacher in England was fired after she told her class of 7 year-olds there was no Santa Claus; which ironically, is the same thing Congress told the auto makers. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 4,000 year-old pyramid covered in sand. Do you know how the Egyptian leaders financed the pyramids? Giant pyramid schemes. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. A Ponzi scheme is when they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors, or as we call it, Social Security…. According to a recent report by the National Retail Foundation, 41 million people have not even done their Christmas shopping. You know what retailers call these people? Men. A Delaware man has been arrested for trying to arrange the castration of his ex-son-in-law. He offered a guy $3,000 to bring him his ex-son-in-law’s testicles. But to be fair, everybody decorates their tree differently. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “TV Guide,” the creator of the show “Desperate Housewives” says he wants the show to run for nine seasons; that’ll be 4-1/2 years more. Do you know what you call “Desperate Housewives” after nine seasons? Golden Girls…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: |
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