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An Arkansas woman has just given birth to her 18th child. Today, her husband announced that they are going to stop home-schooling their children because of classroom overcrowding. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A sequel to the “Sex in the City” movie is in the works. This one is going to be called, “Sex in the City 2: The Wrath of Time.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Jet 2 budget airline in England is in trouble after they told a man who was a double-amputee that he had to pay extra to carry his two artificial legs on the plane with him. You thought your budget airline had no leg room…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A woman in Arizona was undergoing surgery for what she thought was a tumor – turned out she had a live worm in her brain. That’s when you know you’ve been drinking too much tequila. Clinique announced they’re coming out with a Regis Philbin cologne. Who’s this for? The guy who doesn’t want to be 77 years old but just wants to smell like one? From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Starbucks announced that they are laying off a thousand workers and closing more stores. Experts predict that by the end of the year, we could wind up with just two Starbucks on every corner. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A new survey shows that 95% of teenagers are online; the other 5% are 40 year-old guys pretending to be teenagers. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to a Pew Poll, half of Americans want to live somewhere else, the other 50% don’t live in New Jersey. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: In Hawaii, a billion dollar navy warship is run aground; they can’t get it unstuck. It’s name: the USS Economy. According to a recent survey, 30% of men say they buy their Valentine’s Day gift a week or more in advance. You know who these guys are? These are the guys who forgot Valentine’s Day last year. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Federal transportation officials report that Newark Airport runs next to last in on-time aircraft departure. The only thing worse than leaving Newark late…getting there early. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Paleontologists in Asia say they’ve found evidence of a dinosaur covered with feathers, which proves either that dinosaurs evolved into birds or that many of them were gay. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: Showtime is developing a new reality series which will document gay people coming out for the first time in front of their friends and family. Up to now, the only way to do this was to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: A men’s health survey of women shows that most women want a man with a flat belly, strong arms, big chest and shoulders, and a tight butt. Of course, the problem with that: most guys who look like that also want man with a flat belly, strong arms…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: According to “USA Today,” 7 out of 10 people are unsympathetic to Octo-Mom – and that’s just a poll among her children…. From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The Catholic observance of Lent started last week. How many have already given up their 401(k)s? From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: From Late Night with Conan O'Brien: From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: It was a year ago last week that Wilt Chamberlain scored an NBA-record 100 points in a single game. Just think – one man accomplished something the Clippers can’t do as an entire team. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: According to a top Russian scholar, the U.S. economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people – we thought it was going to collapse this year. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Americans lost an hour Sunday due to Daylight Savings. And two hours if you watched “Celebrity Apprentice.” Bernard Madoff, the Ponzi scheme guy, has agreed to a plea bargain with prosecutors. He’s now facing 150 years in prison. That’s how you know you’re guilty: when you plea guilty and still get 150 years. Once this guy goes to prison, he’s going to find out what insider trading really means. Bernard Madoff pleaded guilty and could get up to 150 years in prison. Now he’ll find out what it’s like to have his valuables mishandled. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Insurance company AIG has done it again: they announced they are giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. They bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they’re giving themselves bonuses. You mean what AIG stands for? Adventures in Greed. Is there anywhere else in the world where you can fail so badly, perform so poorly, that they keep paying you? Besides the Clippers. “Race to Witch Mountain” was the number one movie over the weekend, taking in over $25 million. It’s a story about a cab driver who picks up a pair of gay cowboys. I’m sorry, that’s “Race to Brokeback Mountain.” From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Astronomers say they have discovered enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that is sucking up everything in their path. They’ve named the black holes AIG 1 and AIG 2. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Researchers at the University of Exeter in the United Kingdom have found that an athlete’s on-field performance can actually be improved just by having family in the stands. I think that’s true, like whenever A. Rod has his cousin around, he’s faster, he’s stronger…. This week, eight tourists became the first westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They’re taking Spring Break in Iraq. It’s kind of like Spring Break in Florida: half get bombed, the other half get stoned. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The Octomom has a new four bedroom house. That it? Four bedrooms? Come on, her uterus held more people than that. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The economy is so bad…on Sesame Street they won’t talk about the letters, A, I, or G anymore. The economy is so bad…I was at the 99 Cent Store, I saw people browsing. The economy is so bad…women in Beverly Hills are being forced to turn to diet and exercise to look good. A West Virginia lawmaker by the name of Jeff Eldridge has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of Barbie dolls because he feels the dolls give girls unrealistic expectations. You ever see a Barbie doll? The long legs, skinny waist, big boobs. I think the dolls give young boys unrealistic expectations. According to Women’s Health magazine, two-thirds of women say they would marry for money. The other third said they would divorce for it. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: According to a new survey, many Americans are losing their religion. It’s bad enough you don’t have a job – you don’t have a prayer either. Saudi Arabia becoming even more fundamentalist: clerks in Saudi Arabia say they want women banned from appearing on television. So apparently, they get “The View” over there, too. A New Jersey man claims that a psychic swindled him out of $250,000. But in the psychic’s defense, she did predict an unscrupulous person would take his money. The world’s cheapest brand new car is going on sale in India, the Tata Nano. It’ll sell for about $2,000 and has no airbags, no radio, no power steering, none of that stuff. But it does give Kia owners something to point and laugh it. Workers at the Berlin Zoo rescued a woman who jumped into the polar bear exhibit during feeding time. She was attacked and bitten several times by two polar bears. They think she’s now bi-polar. According to the April issue of Cancer Prevention magazine, eating broccoli may prevent stomach cancer. See that? Even cancer doesn’t like broccoli. A New Jersey couple is recovering after they were driving on Interstate 80 in their minivan and a giant turkey vulture smashed through their windshield and landed in the front seat of their car. Officials say the turkey vulture is the second most dangerous bird. You know what bird kills the most people? The fried chicken. A woman in India has just set a world record by rubbing 24 hot chili peppers into her eyes. The previous record? Zero. A 78 year-old man in Russia had surgery for lung cancer – turns out the guy had a 2 inch pine tree growing in his lungs. Doctors say he’s not out of the woods yet. U.S. consumers are being warned that children books, especially children books printed in the 1980s have high-levels of lead in them. It’s a good thing kids in this country don’t read anymore. The Fox Network now planning a new “Bachelor”-type reality show featuring plus-size people trying to find women. It’ll be a lot like “The Bachelor,” contestants will go on a series of dates: lunch date, dinner date, another dinner date, dessert date, late night snack date. I read somewhere that the average person speaks 31,500 words a day. Unless you’re a guest on “The View,” then you only get to speak four or five words…. Scientists say the swine flu isn’t even “swine” flu: it’s a mixture of pig, human, and bird flu. Which is an odd combination, isn’t it? Usually the only place you find that is in a hot dog. According to Reuters News Service, the U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of the swine flu because they say it’s bad for business. They’re right: you cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh sure, you can get heart disease, obesity, hardening of the arteries, high blood pressure, but not swine flu. There are cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. You see that? NAFTA does work. In Chicago, they opened up a new fast food restaurant called Felony Franks. It’s a hot dog stand that sells hot dogs and gives jobs to former felons. It’s doing a lot better than its competitor: Pervert Burger. In Hamilton, OH, a female teacher resigned after taking 17 and 18 year-old female students to a strip club. Here’s the bad news: it was for career day. In Louisiana, a judge has ordered rapper, C Murder to remain in prison until his trial. In light of the judge’s decision, C Murder has changed his name to B Innocent. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The University of California said they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center. (more on UC’s marijuana research center….) Los Angeles Dodgers’ star Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women’s fertility drug. Some people call it a suspension – Manny’s calling it paternity leave. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The price of postage stamps went up to 44 cents this week. They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it: Nobody’s buying our product, let’s raise the price. A man in Grand Rapids, MI called police to report 5 pounds of bacon had been stolen from his house, only to discover his wife had gotten up in the middle of the night and eaten it all. I don’t know what’s scarier: a burglar breaking into your house or a wife that can eat 5 pounds of bacon. From Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: The FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They said that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there’s no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious. Catholic Church officials who work on sainthood are now investigating a possible miracle that occurred in New Jersey. It seems last Saturday in Newark, nobody was shot. Doctors in China removed a bullet from a woman’s head 42 years after she was shot. So apparently they have HMOs over there, too. According to a new Rasmussen Poll, when asked if English should be America’s official language, 85% of the people said, “Si.” According to a study at the University of Mississippi, marijuana is now the most potent it’s even been. Thousands of marijuana samples were tested at the university, some of them even in the lab. |
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